How i met your mother script

Ted reconnects with an old flame and soon remembers why he dumped her in the first place. Barney pays Robin to say outrageous things on the air.

Ted:
Kids, when you’re single

All you’re looking for
is happily ever after.

But only one of your stories
can end that way.

The rest end
with someone getting hurt.

This is one of those stories,
and it starts with a shirt.

Because none
of this would have happened

If it hadn’t been
for that shirt.

Look at those colors.

Green and brown,
together at last.

Hot top, bro!
Is it new?

That’s the crazy part.

I’ve had this shirt
for, like, six years.

Until this morning,
I wasn’t into it at all,

But now, it’s like
my tastes have changed.

Yes, hello, barney.

Robin:
Barney’s offered me

50 bucks to say some stupid word
on a live news report.

Not some stupid word. «booger.»

But I’m not doing it.

I am a journalist.

You do the little fluff pieces
at the end of the news.

Old people. Babies. Monkeys.

That’s not journalism.

That’s just.
Things in a diaper.

For your information, my boss
is about to bump me up to.

The city hall beat.

City hall? Miss thing.

So I’m not going
to jeopardize my promotion

By saying «booger» for 50 bucks.

‘Cause now
you’re saying «nipple,»

And it’s a hundred.

Step into my web.

Whose bourbon is this?

Ooh, I don’t know.
It was here when we sat down.

I seem to like bourbon now.

I could’ve sworn
I hated bourbon.

First the shirt, now bourbon.

I spent 27 years making up
my mind about things, right?

The movie I saw once and hated;

The city I’ll never go back to

’cause it was raining
the day I visited.

Maybe it’s time to start
forming some second impressions.

You’re finally gonna
watch goonies again?

«Sloth love chunk.»

Not goonies. Girls.

What if there’s
someone from my past

Who I thought was wrong
for me at the time,

When in fact she,
like this shirt,

Is actually a perfect fit?

Hold up.
There are only two reasons

To ever date a girl
you’ve already dated:

You know, this isn’t a bad idea.

Ted’s greatest hits.

What about that girl steph?

Okay, this is difficult to say:

Back when I lived

In I.A., I was pretty broke,

So I spent a month
making adult films.

How. How many did you make?

They’re hard workers.

What about that
chick, um. Jackie?

And my bathing suit

Had fallen completely off.

I know the feeling.
Once,

When I was 16, I was driving,

And I hit this hitchhiker.

Happened to him.
just kept driving.

What about natalie?

I had so many
fond memories of her:

The tea candles on her dresser,

The sock monkey collection
on her bed,

That one belle & sebastian
song she always listened to,

Man, I haven’t seen her
in, like, three years.

Well, why’d you guys break up?

I just wasn’t looking for
a big commitment at the time.

Of course, now a big commitment
doesn’t seem so bad.

Maybe I should call her.

What do you guys think?

( Knocking at door )

Come in!
All right,

Get back to me, then.

You wanted to see me, mr. Adams.

I need you to cover a story.

It’s down at city hall.

So, next time you’re
passing city hall,

Make sure and stop by new
york’s oldest hot dog cart.

But, back when the stand
first opened, in 1955,

You could get one
for only a nipple.

Reporting live, robin trubotsky,

I said «nipple» on the news.

That was so unprofessional!

I said «nipple» on the news!

At least it’s
better than «booger.»

( Knocking) there she is.

Hey, is it cold in here?

‘Cause I can kinda see
robin’s nickels.

Now, for your next challenge.

There is not going
to be another challenge.

I don’t care how much
you offer me.

Oh, search your soul, robin.

You and I both know
this wasn’t about the money.

Sure, metro news 1
pays you jack,

And, hey, a little
green salad on the side

Is good for you, me,
and mr. Mcgee.

Seriously, who talks like that?

What baby really likes

Is the thrill
of pulling one over

On those bean counters
who underappreciate you,

And still haven’t promoted you,

And so, for two
more hundie sticks,

Baby’s going to look in
the camera and say this.

I’m just assuming.

I gotta go back to work.

Baby’s gonna think about it.

I found natalie’s number.

Hey, ted! Nice shirt!

Is it yesterday already?

I am calling her.

I haven’t talked to her
in, like, three years.

Wonder if she even remembers me.

She remembers me.

Why would natalie

Hang up on you?
I don’t know.

Did you sleep with her sister?

Did you sleep with her mom?

I’m losing interest
in your story.

Well, you must
have done something.

Why did you guys break up?

He wasn’t ready
for a commitment.

And her birthday
might’ve been coming up.

Okay, so I didn’t want to get
a boyfriend-level gift

For a girl I was just about
to break up with.

So you dumped her
right before her birthday?

No, I didn’t dump her
right before her birthday.

( in rhythm):
Never break up with a girl

On her birthday!

Lily, please! The shirt!

It was a mistake!

Well, did she cry her eyes out?

Natalie! Hey, happy birthday.

I’m just like super-busy
right now, so.

Maybe we should just.
Call it a day.

But you’re awesome.

On her answering machine!?

Lily, come on.
And on her birthday?!

Oh, who breaks up with somebody

On their answering machine
on their birthday?!

Yeah, dude. E-mail.

Not exactly the point
I was trying to make, marshall.

That is a terrible way
to break up with someone.

Okay, in my client’s defense,

Is there an unterrible

Way to break up
with somebody? No.

Personally, I’d rather hear the
bad news on an answering machine

Than face
the humiliation in person.

It’s the least painful
way you can do it.

Who are you calling?

Hi, marshall. It’s lily.

We’re not gonna have sex
for at least a month,

But you’re awesome.

A big mistake, ted.

You should’ve done it in person.

Desperate, please-don’t-leave-me
sex is amazing.

Okay, it was childish
and stupid.

I just. I didn’t want
to see her cry.

Well, guess what? She cried.

You just didn’t have the sack
to face those tears.

That was me then, okay?

This is the new, old-shirt-
wearing, sack-having ted.

I’m gonna make this right.

You know what else?
«my younger sister

An occasion that
was supposed to be joyous

Suddenly turned tragic
when ethel and sadie margolis,

New york’s oldest twins,

Suddenly passed away on this,

The eve of their 100th birthday.

I’m a dirty, dirty girl.

Reporting live,
robin trubotsky, metro news 1.

Joel adams wants
to see you in his office.

Before you say anything,

I just want to say I really like
working here at metro news 1.

That’s great.
So, my dog keeps going

You have dogs, right?

What do you think that means?

Take him to the vet?

That’s one I owe you.

And nothing
about the twins story?

Oh, yeah, great job on that one.
New york loves you.

You’re a superstar. Bye-bye.

That’s when robin realized

No one, not even her boss,
watched metro news 1.

Natalie! Come on!

I just want to say I’m sorry.

I only came down here ’cause
you wouldn’t take my call.

Hey, here’s an idea.

Why don’t you leave a message?

Okay, fine, I’m just going
to leave this sock monkey here.

( Shrieks)
natalie. Okay! Okay!

Look, look, look.
I know you’re mad, but.

Three years ago.

Oh, yeah?
Up yours three years ago.

Look, look, I was an idiot
leaving that message.

I realize how much that sucked.

Maybe we should
just call it a day.

But you’re awesome.

There was a surprise party
that night?

How come nobody told me?

People think I can’t keep
a secret, but I totally can.

Sorry, not the issue.

Look, natalie, I was just
a stupid kid back then,

Terrified of commitment.

And I suppose
you’re suddenly ready

To get married and settle down.

Well, yeah, actually.

I’m a different guy now.

Give me another chance, huh?

You must think I have
absolutely no self-respect.

Come on, just a cup of coffee.

( High-pitched voice):
Please, natalie.

Give the guy a chance.

Self-respect is overrated.

( Acoustic pop song plays )

Maybe it was the caffeine,
but you really

Brought your game up
to a whole new level.

I did just start
subscribing to esquire.

They have some helpful columns.

The following is from
the October issue.

So natalie and I
started dating again.

And just like that,
it all came back.

The tea candles.

The sock monkeys.

Belle and sebastian, all of it.

It seemed like happily ever
after wasn’t far off.

Well, I better run.

I have my krav maga class
in half an hour.

Krav maga. How cool is it
that she does krav maga?

Bye.
Bye.
Take it easy.

Dude, what’s krav maga?

I have no idea.
Some kind of yoga?

You know, that natalie,
she’s good times.

Yeah, she’s, like, the best
girl you’ve dated in years.

Yeah, ted, hold on to that one.

Yeah.
I have to break up with her.

I don’t get it, man.
Natalie’s awesome.

I know, she’s terrific,
but I have to break up with her.

( In rhythm):
Why couldn’t you leave
that poor girl alone?

I know. I hate this.

These past three weeks
have been great.

I should be in love with her,
but I’m not feeling that thing.

So when are you going to do it?

She’s probably on
the subway by now.

You could call her voice mail:

Beep! «dumped.»
click. Done.

No, I have to do this
face-to-face.

I just, I don’t know
what I’m going to say.

«I’m not ready
for a commitment.»

Oh, that’s such a cliché.

It’s not a cliché,
it’s a classic.

It’s the «stairway to heaven»
of breakup lines.

Well, I think natalie
deserves better.

Better. There’s no «better»
in breaking up.

There’s only «less awful.»

A cliché is a cliché
for a reason.

I already told her I am ready
for a commitment, so.

Oh, my god.
There’s no way out.

I’m gonna have to marry her.

No, no, we’re gonna
get you out of this.

Okay, how about.
«it’s not you, it’s me»?

Mm, mm, six words.

«you look fat
in those jeans.»

You’re free to go.

Ted, have you considered
telling her the truth?

Seriously, honey,
men are working here.

Ted, what is the truth?

Why do you want
to break up with her?

The truth?
She’s not the one.

So tell her that.

Oh, you can’t tell her that.
That’s horrible.

Why? What is so
horrible about that?

Yeah, what is so
horrible about that?

She’s not the one.

Why is that such
a heartbreaking thing to hear?

The chances of one person being
another person’s «the one»

Are like six billion to one.

Yeah, you have better chances
of winning the lottery.

Exactly!
You wouldn’t take it personally

If you lost the lottery.

All right, man,
tell her the truth.

Yeah, and he’s gonna sit there

And he’s gonna
take it like a man.

I have to do the mature thing.

Want to talk mature?

I just wrapped up
a live newscast

By honking my own boobs.

And great tv was had by all.

All right, trubotsky,
new challenge,

And this one’s big.

But so is the cash reward.

You heard me.
all you have to do

Is get up there on the news

And do one of these.

What the hell is that?

Ted, lily, marshall:
The ickey shuffle.

And as you do it, you say this:

«elbert ickey woods,

«the bengals were fools
to cut you in ’91.

«Your 1,525 rushing yards

«and your 27 touchdowns
will not be forgotten.

So coach dave shula, screw you
and your crappy steakhouse.»

Just write it down for me.

What do I care?
It’s not like

Anyone’s watching,
anyway, right?

Man, she’s gonna cry.

It’s the law of love, chunk.

So, the next night, I took
natalie out to dinner.

Look, uh, natalie, there’s
something I have to say.

There’s something
I have to say first.

Today, at work,
I had not one, not two,

But three birthday cakes.

So tonight, can we
just skip the cake?

Today’s your birthday?

Yeah. No, it’s okay, I wasn’t
telling anyone about it.

Today’s your birthday!

I didn’t get you anything.

You know, you’ve already given
me the best present of all.

I can trust again.

Oh, sir, much more wine.

Henry, as new york’s
oldest hansom cab driver,

You’ve seen quite a lot.

In your past
60 years on the job,

What is your most
exciting memory?

Oh, boy, here we go.

If I may direct your attention
to the television.

You are about to see
something amazing.

Mickey mantle rode my cab

For the fourth time.

Come on, baby.
Bring it home.

But the most exciting moment.

That would have to be
this one, right now.

Look at me.
I’m on tv.

I never thought I’d
have my story told.

Thank you, miss robin trubotsky.

And right then,
aunt robin realized

How important her job truly was.

It’s an honor
to tell your
story, henry.

You know, metro news one

May not be number
one in viewership,

But this reporter
takes pride in.

Oh, my god, I’m covered
in horse crap!

Oh, my. It’s in my hair.

You planned that?

Ow, my knee! Ow!
No, marshall.

That was beyond
my wildest dreams.

So, if you ever come to alabama,

My mom throws
these huge crawfish boils,

And she’s just dying
to meet you, by the way.

Look, natalie, there’s
something I have to say,

And, uh, there’s
no good way to say it.

I want to break up.

I don’t think
you’re the one for me.

I don’t want to waste your time,

Because I really like you.

I want to do right by you,

And I think the best way for me
to do that is just to be honest.

Oh, god, just let it out.

They’re only tears.

I’m not the one for you?!

I’m sorry, I just.

I-I-I thought the mature
thing to do.

It’s my birthday!

Yes, I know.
I didn’t realize.

It’s my birthday,

And you’re telling me
I’m not the one for you?!

It’s really not such a big deal.

I mean, the odds.
it’s like you lost the lottery.

Oh, so dating you is like
winning the lottery?!

No, no, no, no,
I didn’t mean that.

Okay, so what’s the problem?!

I. I. I can’t explain it.

I’m not eff able?

No, no, no, no. «ineffable.»

«ineffable» means
it can’t be explained.

Oh, so I’m stupid?

Oh, god, what’s going on?

Okay, what’s going on
is you broke my heart

Over my answering machine

Waited three years
for me to get over you,

Tracked me down, begged me
to go out with you again,

Only so you could dump me

Three weeks later,
again, on my birthday!

No, it’s-it’s-it’s not
like that.

I’m just. It’s-it’s-it’s.

I’m just, like,
super busy right now.

Remember when natalie said.

I have my krav maga class
in half an hour.

Turns out krav maga
is not a kind of yoga.

It’s a form
of guerrilla street fighting

Developed by the israeli army.

This is compliments

Of those two gentlemen
at the bar.

( Mockingly ):
My knee!

But isn’t it nice to know
people are watching?

Marshall:
Oh, my god.

Are you all right?

Lily:
What happened
to you?

I told the truth.

Turns out the truth has
a mean roundhouse kick.

Oh, well, you did
the right thing.

I’m proud of you.

I’m bleeding internally.

Hey, ted, you know what always
picks me up when I’m down?

Other people’s misfortune.

You missed something so amazing.

Please,
can we just have one person

In this whole bar
who didn’t see it?

I really thought I was doing it

The good way this time.

I guess there is no good way.

No matter how hard you
try to do the right thing,

You just end up
flat on your back,

Flailing around in
a big pile of horse crap.

My phone gets the internet now.

And that’s how
it ended with natalie.

No happily ever after,
just a whole lot of hurt.

And just like that,

All those wonderful memories
were replaced. By this one.

But, you know,
bad as that night was,

Within a year,
natalie was married.

And now she has
three beautiful children.

So that’s the upside of hurt.

Sometimes it happens
for a reason.

So you got beat up by a girl?

Is that all you’re taking away
from this story?

Ted’s still not ready to date months after his breakup with Robin. But when Robin returns to New York with an exotic new boyfriend, he decides it’s time to finally do something adventurous.

Kids, there more than one story
of how I met your mother.

You know the short version, the thing
with your mom’s yellow umbrella.

But there’s a bigger story.

The story of how I became who I had
to become before I could meet her.

And that story begins,
here.

Dude, I am so excited
that you’re single again.

We are going to conquer
New York City.

I already have a girl
from work lined up for you.

Right boob bigger
than the left boob,

which some choose
to look at as bra half empty,

I choose to look at as bra half full.

Robin and I broke up
two weeks ago.

I’m. I’m not ready.

When will you be ready?

It was a good question.

After a big relationship ends,
you need some time to recuperate.

Robin took a trip to Argentina,
and I went through my usual routine.

I grew my breakup beard.

Ted Mosby, suit up,

’cause here’s the plan.
There’s a Miss Nassau County pageant.

We’ll pretend to be judges
and, yes, our votes are for sale.

I repainted the apartment.

Finish Line of a women’s 10K.

Salty girls on an endorphin high
who just want to lie down.

— Yeah.
— I’m not ready.

And the truth is,
I was doing really good.

Female acrobats from Montreal.
Super flexible.

We are going to get
Cirque de So-Laid.

Barney, come on, we’ve covered this.
I’m not.

I just got in last night.

Um, uh, this is Gael.

Synchro: MiniBen314
Proofreading: Flovap

Transcript: Raceman
Resync: kabbage

I just can’t believe her.

We have this totally amicable split,
everything’s cool.

And she comes back
from vacation with that guy?

You know what she’s doing?

She’s trying to win the breakup.

What do you mean «win thebreakup»,
old-timey inventor?

What our 21st president,
Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say,

is that in every breakup there are
winners and a losers.

It’s not a competition.

Now, your 80-day balloon race around
the world, that was a competition.

Of course it’s
a competition, Lil.

How else do you explain.
what’s his name?

It’s pronounced «guy-el.»

It means «joyful.»

That is why I live
my life by bringing joy,

good energy
and happiness to others.

Especially those
less fortunate that I.

I’m sorry, so it’s Gayle?

I don’t go to your stupid country and
try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

That’s a great point,
Persian nightclub owner.

Oh, and he’s a masseuse.

everything is connected.

I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.

I can touch your earlobe,
and slow your heartbeat.

One time, I used warm water
to make a guy pee.

Of course, I didn’t
make a career out of it.

Such an American idea.

My career is living.

Sometimes at the same time.

How?
How would one do that exactly?

Seriously, don’t giggle.
Tell me.

Not possible. You cannot have sex
on a windsurfing board.

— How do you know?
— Glad you asked, Lily.

I have crafted a list
of every vehicle.

land-based, aquatic and airborne.

Windsurfing board,
not on the list, not possible.

Oh, P.S., in orderto hit 33,

all I need is bobsled
and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

To get that last one, you’d have
to break into the Smithsonian.

This conversation never happened.

All right, you’re suited up,
I’m bearded down.

— Let’s get out there and win this thing.
— Yes!

You guys, have fun
on your double date.

Oh, for the hundredth time,
I’m sorry, there was a lull.

And then we fell asleep on the beach
while counting the stars.

Do you want to have
dinner with me? Uh, us?

There was no lull.

— You just think he’s incredibly hot.
— No, I don’t!

It’s a little hard to believe
how hot he is.

But, I mean, she’s not
serious about him.

The girl never marries the hot guy.

I’m one of the lucky few.

Lily, Ted is our best friend,
so let’s get something straight:

Male Gayle is not hot.

He’s not our friend.
Don’t even look at him.

Just. no eye contact.

So that night, as Lily and Marshall
did their best to hate Gael.

Robin pulled me aside
to check in.

Now, I’m sure
she meant the best,

but she said the worst.

I just want to make sure
you’re okay with this.

«I just want to make sure
you’re okay with this»?

Damn it! I can’t believe she’s
the one that gets to say that.

She’s winning, isn’t she?

Not for long.
Okay, pep talk.

Ted, tonight we’re going to get you
someone way hotter than Robin.

Okay, Robin’s a ten.

Fine, we’ll get you a 12.

Or, you know.
two sixes.

Failing that, four threes.

And break glass
in case of emergency,

we’ll go to Staten Island,
I’ll get you 12 ones.

Ted, my boy, I am going to
re-teach you how.

Ted, we are back!

Fivin’ it up five-style!

I’m sorry this is
all so weird.

Weird, why would it be weird?

Because you used to date
our best friend or because my wife

thinks your new boyfriend
is incredibly hot?

I do not! Shut up!
Oh, my God!

— I just hope Ted’s okay.
— Hmm.

I hate to see you so tense.

I mean, we had a really
clean break up, you know?

We really acted like adults,
so the last thing. oh!

Gael, are you a properly
licensed massage therapist?

Are you legally certified by some type
of governing entity?

I train for three years at
an institute in Buenos Aires.

I have a card.
I can show you.

Is the card laminated?

— What do you mean «laminated»?
— Covered in protective plastic.

Let’s bail, this place is dead.

Yeah, you’re right.
We’re both totally striking out.

Exactly, plus,
we’re on a tight schedule.

I’ve got this entire evening
perfectly planned out. spoiler alert:

our last stop is an after hours club so
after hours, it’s three days from now.

Are you blind?
I’m making out with a 12.

— I am winning.
— Yeah, but I didn’t get to help.

So you’re saying
you want me to throw away

a super hot girl just because
you didn’t help me get her?

Apology accepted.
Let’s go.

— Who’s the suit?
— This is Barney.

— Barney, Amy.
— I’m not gonna remember that.

Now, if you’ll exse me,
random chick from earlier tonight,

as you shall henceforth be known,
Ted and I have a schedule to keep.

Well, you can check off 8:54, dress up
like a dork and bother the cool kids.

Wow. Wow.
Great stuff, Tommy Lee.

See, what you don’t understand is
I’m Ted’s wingman.

It’s a sacred bond, much stronger
than any. They’re making out again.

And you know what, «Gayle»?

Your piece of chicken
looks a little tense to me.

Oh, oh, does that
feel good, Mr. Chicken?

Well, guess what?

I didn’t wash my hands.

We carry so much ancient emotion
in our neck and shoulders.

Things we should have
let go of years ago.

I forgive you, Mom.

Lily, we are Ted’s best friends.
Our job is to hate that guy.

Oh, yeah,
that’s what I was doing.

I was just building him up so

a few minutes later,
I could totally cut him down.

Weren’t you wearing a bra?

The night was going great.

Amy was cool and dangerous.

She found a friend for Barney.

She even paid for drinks.
sort of.

They know us here.
You’re gonna get us in trouble.

Tell me something. Do you ask your
tailor to leave extra room in the crotch

for your huge vagina?

You. your vagina.

Ted, this chick is crazy.
We’re leaving.

Good idea.
Let’s all go back to my place.

Your place? Thanks but no thanks,
1994 Courtney Love.

I have a hot tub.

Okay, this is
actually pretty nice.

I like your tatts.

Thanks, you can play
with them if you want.

They’re a hundred percent real.

No, your tatts. toos,
your tattoos.

— You should get one.
— Wrong!

Ted has a classic
clean*

that never goes out of style
season after season, burn.

Yeah? Well, I think he
would look hot with some ink.

— No, he wouldn’t.
— Yes, he would.

I’m ready to do anything
you want by the way. Anything.

Ted, who are you gonna side
with on this tattoo thing?

I think I’d look
way hot with some ink.

— Yeah, you would.
— Yeah.

Mommy! Daddy!
She’s back!

Damn it, they’re supposed
to be in the Hamptons. Run!

Sorry. I used to nanny for
those jerks before they fired me.

— So unfair.
— Unfair?

I wouldn’t let you take care of the
imaginary kids I make up

to score with single moms.

That’s it, Ted.
We’re going home.

And I just want to make sure
you’re okay with this.

— Okay, how do we this?
— I think your leg goes up, up.

— Okay, how about if I, um.
— No, mine.

In fact, here’s
how okay I am.

— I’m getting a tattoo.
— You’re not getting a tattoo,

Ted, you are heading
down a dark path.

That dark path
is my driveway.

But you need a plan
and you need a wingman!

This is so going
in my blog!

And underneath,
it should say, «I win.»

And then it should have
flames coming out the bottom.

We should start a fire.

After this maybe.

Oh, man, this is
going to be legend. Wait for it.

And that’s all I remember.

The next morning,
I woke up alone, back home.

Hey, buddy, how
was your night?

You know, it was great.

I met this crazy girl,
I almost got a tattoo.

Don’t worry.
I didn’t, but it was.

I think it’s safe to say,
I am winning this breakup.

This J. Crew catalog.

Who brings two Golden
Retrievers in a canoe?

— We got to call Barney.
— Way ahead of you.

Hey, guys, what’s
the big emergency?

Oh, and B the W:
I am never speaking to Ted again.

Not even if, say,
butterflies flew out of his ass?

Ted? Could you grab me
the fondue pot?

Mm-hmm.
And up we go.

I came here
this morning because.

— I want to apologize.
— Apology accepted, Barney.

As you can see, I do just fine on my own.
I don’t need a baby-sitter.

See, all this time, I thought you needed
a wingman to fly, but the truth is, you.

you’ve got your
own wings now.

Since you and Robin split,
you’ve been gestating.

Growing in your cocoon.

And last night.
. you burst out of that cocoon

like a.
like a majestic, uh.

Gosh, what is it that
comes out of a cocoon?

I was always bad at science.

He’s going to say it!

— What?
— Nothing, buddy.

Ow! Why did that hurt so.

— I have a tattoo!
— Oh, that’s not a tattoo.

That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.

You know, a ho tag.
Ass antlers.

A Panama City license plate.

And suddenly,
it all came back to me.

Man, I am so winning
this breakup.

I just broke up
with my boyfriend Steve.

He was totally annoying.

He was, like, «I think you’re the one,
I want to marry you.»

Do you think
exes can be friends?

Yeah, sure. I mean,
we’re still friends, right, Steve?

Hey, your name is Steve.

And her ex-boyfriend’s name is Steve.

What are the odds of that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

— Oh, yeah, that’ll get it out.
— Maybe you should try club soda.

Damn it, it really hurts. I need,
like, some ointment or something.

Spanish massage oil.

Spanish massage oil?

What happened here last night?

Last night got weird.

Feel the emotions release.

Think I just got over
being chunky in the ninth grade.

Experience your food.

Okay, that’s enough of the fruit.

We’re sorry, Ted.
It’ll never happen again.

It meant nothing to us.
It just felt really, really, really good.

I can’t even look
at you two right now.

He got a tramp stamp.

All right, first of all,
this isn’t one of those,

«I came all the way over here
because I want you back» things.

There’ll be no startling
confession of love,

no sweet indie rock song that
swells up we’re about to kiss,

— none of that crap. Got it?
— Okay.

Good.
Now, here’s the thing.

It sucks that you came back from Argentina
with someone as awesome as Gael.

And I know I have no
right to be upset at you.

We’re broken up, life
goes on, whatever.

But you know what?
We-We never did this.

We-We had this polite breakup
with no irrational yelling, and.

and that’s just wrong!

So, I’m going to yell
irrationally for a little while,

and you’re just going to have to
stand there and deal with it, okay?

— If you feel like you need to do that.
— I think I do!

I really think I do!
So now I’m yelling!

— You shaved.
— I did!

— I liked the beard.
— I liked it, too,

but it was getting kind of hot!

Maybe in the winter,
I’ll grow it back out!

I know it was weird
showing up with Gael.

Look, us breaking up,
it was the right thing.

But it took some time to
get over you, you know?

I-I’m still getting over you.

But you? You were over it the minute
they started the in-flight movie.

My first three days in Argentina,
I cried my eyes out.

I missed you so much.

I wanted to go and prove how
adventurous I am, but the truth is.

it was really lonely.

And that’s why Gael happened.

You weren’t trying to win the breakup?

I was trying to survive it.

See, look, that all sounds good,

and we’ll still be friends
and move on, but.

did he have to be so hot?

— The guy’s an Adonis.
— He’s not an Adonis.

He’s the Cadillac of rebound guys.
Marshall has a crush on him!

— The guy’s perfect.
— He’s not perfect.

Oh, come on.
He’s hot,

he wind surfs,
he massages things.

Name one way I’m
better than that guy.

Don’t patronize me. If anything,
he may even be a little bit taller.

No. Ted. you’re bigger.

Kids, I can’t remember exactly
what helped me get through

the whole Robin-Gael incident.

I’m sure that it was something
profound and meaningful,

and not at all macho and petty,

but after that,
I was back on my feet.

And what followed was
a new era in my life,

a crazy time
unlike anything that ce before.

It’s funny looking back
at those days,

knowing now exactly
what I was heading towards.

And what was heading
towards me.

Hey, man, it’s Marshall.

Check your e-mail.
Sent you something.

Ted throws a party in hopes of seeing Robin again, but when she doesn’t show up, he throws another. and another.

Ted:
Okay, where was I?

You were telling us
how you met mom.

In excruciating detail.

So, back in 2005,

My two best friends got engaged,

And it got me thinking,
maybe I should get married.

And then I saw robin.

She was incredible.

I just knew I had to meet her.

That’s where
your uncle barney came in.

I suggest we play
a little game I like to call

Wait, no, no, no.
We’re not playing
«have you met ted?»

Hi. Have you met ted?

So I asked her out.

But after just one date,
I was in love with her

Which made me say
something stupid.

I think I’m in love with you.

So then what happened?

I mean, I’d made
a complete fool of myself.

So, a week went by,
and I decided not to call her.

So you’re not gonna call her?

You went from,
«I think I’m
in love with you»

To «I’m not gonna call her»?

I wasn’t in love with her, okay?

I was briefly in love
with the abstract concept

Of getting married.

It had absolutely
nothing to do with robin.

Look who I ran into.

Since when do you guys
know each other?

Oh, since about. Here.

Lily recognized me

From the news and.

They just got engaged.

Well, I should get
back to the station.

Nice seeing you, ted.

Yeah, you, too.
Thanks.

I’m in love with her.

As your sponsor,
I will not let you relapse.

You blew it, it’s over, move on.

I don’t know, I just
have this feeling

She’s the future
mrs. Ted mosby.

Lily, you squeaked?

She said something
about me, didn’t she?

Come on, spill it, red!

So, what do we think of ted?

Ted’s something else.

I’m gonna spin that as good.

Lots of guys are something,
I’m something else.

Comes on a little strong.

But, that’s part of my charm.

But, that’s part of his charm.

Oh, totally. I mean,
he’s sweet, he’s charming,

He’s just looking for something

A little bit more serious
than I am.

I mean, the most I can handle
right now is something casual.

This just stays
between us, right?

Are you kidding?

This flapper?
Fort knox.

She wants casual.

Okay, I’ll be casual.

I’m going to be a mushroom cloud
of casual.

Cause it’s a game.
I want her to skip

To the end and do the whole
happily-ever-after thing.

But you don’t get there
unless you play the game.

So, are you going
to ask her out?

I can’t ask her out,

Because if I ask her
out, I’m asking her out.

Ask her out without
asking her out?

Did you guys get high?

I don’t ask her out.

To our party next Friday.

We’re having
a party next Friday?

We are now. Casual.

Like inviting a hundred people
over just to mack on one girl.

Oh, and lily, that’s my leg.

You waited five minutes
to tell me that?

All right, so call her up.

No, calling’s not casual.

I just got to bump
into her somewhere.

Now, if only I
knew her schedule,

I could arrange
a chance encounter.

That’s great, ted. you’ll be
the most casual stalker ever.

Put that ring on her finger,
lily had been,

Well, extra affectionate.

( chuckling ):
Baby, no.

I have a 25-page paper on
constitutional law due Monday.

Hey, I’m just sitting
here, wearing my ring,

My beautiful ring.

Kind of makes wearing
other stuff seem wrong.

Kind of don’t want to
wear my shirt anymore.

That’s right, I’m
not wearing any.

Not even slightly.

Robin ( on tv ):
Thanks, bill.

I’m reporting from
the razzle dazzle supermarket

On 75th and columbus.

75th and columbus.

Where four-year-old
leroy ellenberg has climbed

Inside a grab-a-prize machine
and gotten stuck.

And, all in the pursuit
of a stuffed, purple giraffe.

For metro news 1,
I’m robin trubotsky.

What are the odds?

Oh, you know, just, uh,
shopping for, uh, dip.

I mean, I don’t love
dip, I like dip.

( chuckles )
so, uh, hey,
you, uh,

Reporting a news
story or something?

Yeah, kid stuck
in a crane machine.

How sweet of you
to call it news.
Wow.

Kid in a crane machine.
Mm-hmm.

You just had to have
that toy, didn’t you?

Couldn’t play the game
like everyone else.

You’re all sweaty!

It’s so funny
I should run into you.

We’re, uh, we’re having a party
next Friday,

If you feel like swinging by.

But, you know, whatever.

Oh, I’m going back
home next weekend.

It’s too bad it’s not tonight.

It is. It’s tonight.

This Friday.
Did I say next Friday?

I’ve been saying
next Friday all week.

But, yeah, it’s tonight,
the, uh, the party’s tonight.

But, you know, whatever.

Hey, am I interrupting anything?

No, no, I’m just
writing my paper.

Hitting the books.

Yeah, well, you and lily

Might want to put
some clothes on.

We’re throwing
a party in two hours.

What are you gonna
do when robin shows up?

Okay, I got it all planned out.

She steps through the door.
and where’s ted?

Not eagerly waiting by the door.

No, I’m across the room
at my drafting table,

Showing some foxy young thing
all my cool architect stuff.

So, robin strolls over, and I
casually give her one of these:

She says, «hey, nice place,
et cetera, et cetera.»

And then, I say,
«well, make yourself at home.»

And, I casually return
to my conversation.

Then, an hour later.

«oh, you’re still here?»

I say, like I don’t really care,

But it’s a nice surprise.

And then, very casually:

Both:
The roof!
Get her up to the roof,

And the roof
takes care of the rest.

What’s so special
about the roof?

Oh, the moon, the stars,
the shimmering skyline.

You can’t not fall in love
on that roof.

We do it up there, sometimes.

Solid plan, my little friend.

But, may I suggest one
little modification.

Barney:
That foxy young thing
you were chatting up,

Crazy monkey style.
That’s not the plan.

Barney:
Well, it should be the plan.

I mean, look at her.

Ted, look at her.
She’s smoking!

But, she’s not robin!

Statistic: At every
new york party,

There’s always a girl
who has no idea

Whose party she’s at.

She knows no one you know,

And you will never
see her again.

Do you see where I’m
going with this?

Barney, I don’t think so.
( groans )

( Imitates sonar beeping )

Man, you’re a dork.

( Accelerates beeping sound )

Now it’s time we
play a little game

I like to call
«have you met ted?»
oh, come on, not this.

Hi. Have you met ted?
No.

Do you know marshall? Lily?

Hmm. Do you know
anyone at this party?

I work with carlos.

Anyone know a carlos?

On a silver platter.

I don’t think so.

Your loss, her gain.

Can I show you the roof?

It’s magical up there.

Hey, hey, I got
that roof reserved.

Dude, robin’s not coming.

Hey, she’s going to show up!

Ted:
She didn’t show up.

At least it was a great party.

I ate, like, four
whole cans of dip.

You always know what to say,
old friend.

No, no, not right away.
got to seem casual.

I’m so sorry
I missed your party.

Who is this? Meredith?

Hey! Yeah, I, uh, guess
you never showed up, did you?

No, I got stuck at work.

But, they finally got that kid
out of the crane machine.

Did he get to keep
the purple giraffe?

Yeah, they let him keep
all the toys.

He was in there a long time,

And little kids
have small bladders.

( Chuckles )
robin:
I wish your party

It is. the party’s tonight.

It’s a two-day party,
’cause that’s just how we roll.

Uh, so, if you want to swing by,
you know, it’s casual.

So, that was robin.
What are you

Doing to me, man?!

I got a paper to write!
I know! Sorry!

I’ll buy more dip!
Ted! Ted, wait!

Get french onion!

Can you believe this guy?

I got a paper to write.

But, it’s got to be,
like, super-quick,

And no cuddling after.

I’m the luckiest girl alive.

You were so right
about the roof!

The roof is on fire, ted!

That girl from last night.

I took her back to my place,

Spun her around a
couple times and
sent her walking.

She will never find her way
back, and there she is.

How did she get here?
Did you invite her?

I have no idea who that is.

She said she works
with carlos.
Who’s carlos?

I don’t know any carlos.

Come on, sweetie,
I need a drink.

( Barely audible ):
Help.

Whoa! Whoa, rabbits!

I got that roof reserved.

So, it’s over between me
and works-with-carlos girl.

Whoa! That was fast.

Yeah. I was
trying to think,

What’s the quickest
way to get rid of a
girl you just met?

I think I’m in love with you.

Thanks, bro.
Glad I could help.

What the.
No, no, no. Come on.

Great. What am I going to
do when robin shows up?

She didn’t show up.

We threw two parties.

Everybody had fun.

Everybody wanged,
everybody chunged.

Now, the kid has
got to get to work,

And the kid is not
to be disturbed.

Repeat after me.

I will not have sex
with marshall.

Both:
I will not have sex
with marshall.

Sorry, you totally sounded
like amanda.

I totally wanted to come.

I got stuck at work again.

I feel like I live there.

I’m sorry I missed your party,
again.

Hey, ain’t no thing
but a chicken wing, mamacita.

I guess there’s no chance
your two-dayer

Turned into a three-dayer?

The party continues tonight.

Uh, last night,
people were like,
«keep it going, bro.

Okay, well, I’ll be there.

See you tonight.

So, that was robin.

So, I threw a third party
for robin.

On a Sunday night.

Well, this is lame.

Ready for a little
15 minute recess?

Sorry, baby, I got to work.

I need all my blood up here.

Has anybody seen an
introduction to contract tort

And restitution statutes
from 1865-1923?

Anybody seen a big-ass book?

All ( muttering ):
No.

Is it weird they invited
both of us?

Who invited you?

No one even knows who you are!

I understand you’re hurt,
but you don’t have to be cruel.

Carlos was right about you.

Hey, where the hell is my.

An introduction to contract tort

And restitution statutes
from 1865-1923

Is not a coaster!

Ted, I’m jeopardizing my law
career so you can throw not one,

Not two, but three parties
for some girl that you just met

Who’s probably not even going
to show up!

I mean, where is she, ted, huh?

So, you threw all these parties
for me?

Oh, you thought that.
No!

One of the reasons
I threw these parties

Was so that
I could introduce you

Uh, I figured, you know,

Since it didn’t work out
between us

And now we can
just laugh about it.

Anyway, robin, this is.

She’s still talking to carlos.

I can still win this.

Time for the tough talk.

Robin seems great,
but let’s look at the facts.

You want to get married.

There’s a million women
in new york

Looking for exactly you.

But robin ain’t one of them.

She’s not just one of them.

Yeah, well, the one
is heading up to the roof.

What are you going to do?

I got to just keep playing it.

( Rock music playing )

Hey, carlos, can you
give us a minute?

Hey, no sweat, hombre.

Look, I didn’t throw this party

To set you up with carlos,

Or the one before that,
or the one before that.

I threw these parties
because I wanted to see you.

There’s something here,
look, unless I’m crazy.

You’re not crazy.

I don’t know, ted.

I mean, we barely
know each other

And you’re looking at me
with that look.

Like, «let’s fall in love
and get married

And have kids and drive them
to soccer practice.»

I’m not going
to force sports on them

Unless they’re interested.

It’s a great look.

But you’re looking
at the wrong girl.

I don’t want to get married
right now, maybe ever.

I’d feel like I’d either have
to marry you

Or break your heart, and.

I just couldn’t do
either of those things.

Just like you can’t turn off
the way you feel.

Off. Let’s make out.

What? That was
the off switch.

And I turned it off.

I mean, look, sure, yes,

I want to fall in love, get
married, blah, blah, blah.

But, on the other hand.

You, me, the roof.

There’s no off switch.

There is an off switch.

There’s no off switch.

God, I wish there
was an off switch!

( both muttering nervously )

What do we do now?

We could be friends.

I know it sounds insincere
when people say that,

I don’t know, robin.

I’ve made such a jackass
of myself here.

We start hanging out,
every time I see you

It’ll be like,
«oh, that’s right.

You’re not a jackass.

I only moved here in April
and I’m always working

And I just haven’t met
a lot of good people so far.

But I understand.

Well, uh, maybe in a few months,

After it’s not so fresh,

We could all, uh,
you know, get a beer.

That sounds good.

I’ll see you, ted.

Or, you know, now.

We could all get a beer now.

My friends are going
to love you.

Like you, you know, as a friend.

That’s just a recipe

For disaster.
They work together!

Are you jealous?

What does carlos have
that I don’t?

Stop the tape.
Rewind.

( Imitates tape rewinding )
a date tonight.

I’m not sure I like her.

Hey, don’t you have a paper
to write?

Dude, you’re talking to the kid.

I’m going to knock back
this beer.

I’m going to knock back
one more beer.

I’m going to write
a 25-page paper.

I’m going to hand it in
and I’m going to get an «a.»

My name is rufus
and that’s the trufus.

Ted:
He got a b-minus.

But still,
25 pages in one night, b-minus?

The kid was good.

At least let me buy you a beer.

I’ll buy everyone a beer.

You know something,
ted?
What?

You are a catch.

You’re going to make
some girl very happy.

And I am going
to help you find her.

I mean, maybe new york’s
just too big a town.

I mean, there’s millions
of people in this city.

How, in all this mess,

Is a guy supposed to find
the love of his life?

Marshall becomes predictably depressed and pathetic after the breakup. And it only gets worse when he discovers that Lily may be back in town.

Ted:
Okay where were we?

It was June of 2006,

And life had just taken
an unexpected turn.

Dad, can’t you just skip ahead

To the part where you meet mom?

I feel like you’ve been talking
for like a year.

Honey, all this stuff
I’m telling you is important.

It’s all part of the story.

Could I go to the bathroom?

The summer of 2006
was both wonderful and awful.

For me, it started out great.

In fact, day one was amazing.

I’d finally gotten together
with robin.

But while I’d been off having
one of the best nights

Had been having one
of the worst nights of his.

♪ Crying in the street.

Marshall:
So that’s it?

We’re breaking up?

Marshall, I’m sorry.
I just.

To san francisco
and do this art program

And-and figure out
who I am outside of us.

And the only way

That I can do that is if.
If we don’t talk for a while.

You walk out that door,
and we’re done.

You’re never going to hear
my voice again.

I should call her.
No, no.

Ted, it is.
If you call her

When she asked you not to
you’re just going to look weak

Now, listen, whenever
you feel like calling her,

You come find me first.

And I will punch
you in the face.

You’re a good friend, ted.

So, did you hear the big news?

You mean how lily and marshall
broke up,

And lily’s gone and nothing else

Even remotely important happened
last night,

Yeah, I think he knows.

And I don’t even know
if she’s coming back.

I didn’t get your message
until I woke up.

Bro, I am so sorry.

I know it must be tough,

But are you ready
to hear something

That will not only
make you feel better,

But will actively excite you?

For the first time, ever,
the three of us are single

At the same time.

I’ve dreamed
about this day, boys,

And it’s going to be

Together, we will own this city.

Anytime a girl wants to get back
at her ex-boyfriends,

Anytime a girl wants to solve
her father issues

Through promiscuity and binge
drinking, we will be there.

Anytime a bachelorette party
drives through the city

In a limo, sticking their
heads out the sunroof shouting,

(mimicking female voice):
«what’s up, new york?»

We will be what is up new york.

Gentlemen, we are
about to embark on.

Aw, man, you guys
did it, didn’t you?

Captioning sponsored by
20th century fox television

Is that when love
is beginning.

And love is ending,

The first 30 days
are remarkably similar.

For one thing, you spend
most of your time in bed.

Your friends can’t stand
to listen to you.

He’s so ticklish.

It was a really beautiful song.

So. Stupid, man.
(mimicking choking)

And you never seem
to wear pants.

You hungry?
What’s the point?

I could eat some food.

It’s just going to leave me.

Well, at least in that scenario,
you get to do the dumping.

Come on, it’s Sunday.

It’s pancakes day.

Lily always made the pancakes.

God, I loved her pancakes.

So perfectly shaped.

Are we still talking
about her pancakes?

Come on, you got to eat
something; what can I get you?

No, that’s what you had
for dinner.

Then I’ll just have leftovers.

Barney:
So, he stays home

All the time not getting laid?

That’s what you do when you have
a fiancée.

He should be down here
celebrating.

He got that redheaded tumor
removed.

You should write and illustrate
children’s books.

You know what marshall
needs to do.

He needs to stop being sad.

When I get sad, I stop being sad
and be awesome instead.

It’s only been a month.

He just needs to go
at his own pace.

Anyway, lily’s the one
who caused this whole mess.

Hey, cut her some slack.

She’s just trying to
figure out who she is.

Yeah, she should call me;
I got a whole list.

God, your eyes are so blue.

(mimics sword unsheathing)
oh, that’s a.

Yeah, it was hard to feel
too bad.

I was dating the woman
of my dreams,

And things were going great.

Well, for the most part.

So, I found her shampoo.

I guess she left it here.

It smells like her.

Like lavender and seashells
and hope.

Erotic and comforting
all at the same time.

That’s my shampoo.

Mmm, I thought
he’d never go to sleep.

He’s calling her.

I don’t hear any.
He’s calling her.

Marshall: Okay, you’re
right, I won’t call her.

I will not call her.

Well, I called her.

She changed her number.

What, like I’m going
to stalk her,

Or something?
Like she’s so special.

Like she’s the only lily aldrin
out there.

‘Cause there are four others
in the san francisco area alone,

And they all seem
a lot better than her

Based on the brief conversations
I had with them.

Does he know I’m in here?

Anyways, one of the
lily aldrins said.

This has to stop.

Ted, we just started dating.

We agreed we don’t want
to move too fast,

And yet somehow, we have a baby.

He can’t feed himself.

He cries a lot,
he keeps us up all night.

Have you tried breast-feeding?

Look, they were
together nine years.

It’s only been a
month and a half.

He just needs to
go at his own pace.

He slept on our floor
last night, ted.

He watched a scary movie.

It is time for some tough love.

We need to get him
out of that apartment.

He needs fresh air.

He needs sunshine.

Announcer (over speaker): Gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage, sunshine.

All right, I really don’t think
this is going to help.

Do you know why you’re
not over lily yet?

It’s ’cause you can
still picture her naked.

You can’t get over a woman
until you can no longer

Picture her boobs;
it’s a scientific fact.

The average male brain can
only store a finite number

Of boob images
or «b-pegs».

And your hard drive’s filled
to capacity with lily’s.

There are a lot of them.

Well, they won’t go away
until you overwrite them

With images of
other women’s boobs.

Now, this journey may take

As many as a million boobs,

So we begin here
tonight, my friend.

Those count as four.

This is fun right?

We’re outside, it’s
a beautiful day.

The indians are winning.

It is really nice to be outside.

Announcer (over speaker):
Yankee fans,

Please turn your attention
to the diamond vision

For a special
seventh-inning-stretch surprise.

(applause and cheering)

It’s all a big lie!

She’s just going
to break your heart.

You can drag me out of here,
but she has no soul!

We’ve tried everything.
Baseball, strippers.

The guy still won’t eat
a damn pancake.

I think he’s beyond repair.

See, this is the problem
with guys.

You don’t know how to deal
with heartbreak.

Oh, and what’s your
prescription, dr. Estrogen?

Eat haagen-dazs
and watch love actually,

Till your periods sync up.

(ted, barney laughing)

Yeah, that’s the stuff.

How long have you
been doing this?

Well, my dad taught me
to shoot when I was a kid.

Whenever I’m feeling lonely
or depressed, I come here,

And it reminds me that.

Um, you know, ted is
kind of against guns.

Ted’s never going
to find out about this.

Whoa, that sounded kind of scary

With me holding a gun,
didn’t it?

No, I-I just mean,

Please don’t tell ted.

You want to try?

Oh, yeah, yeah, this
is what I needed.

I felt so powerless
this whole time,

But this. (laughs)

I should have mentioned
the recoil.

I got to hand it to you,
when he got home,

Marshall was smiling.

Did you sleep with him?

‘Cause I was actually,

Like, three days away
from suggesting that.

Sometimes, all you need
is to get in touch

With your feminine side.

You’re the first person
to cheer him up all summer.

You win.
Oh, what do I win?

I’ll tell you what you win:

I’m taking you away
this weekend.

Yeah, my aunt and uncle
have a beach house

Out in montauk, oh,
it’s really romantic.

My uncle’s had like
three affairs there.

Wow, must be a nice house.

I’ve seen pictures
of your uncle.

This is going to be so great.

We’ll finally get
some time alone.

Are you sure marshall’s
going to be okay with this?

Dude, I’m doing much better.
Oh.

In fact, take my car.

Hey, thanks.
And, hey,

If you need anything day
or night, just call me.

You know what,
please don’t call me.

What? What’s wrong?

It’s, uh,
lily’s credit card bill.

She must have forgotten

To switch her address.

So, I wonder what kind
of charges she’s making

Out there in san francisco.
No.

No, no good can come
from looking at this.

You’ve made too much
progress already.

I know but I just,
maybe the. no!

You’re going to
thank me for this.

You’re a good friend, ted.

August 5th,
one charge. tickets.

To what? George clinton
and the p-funk all-stars.

August 10th, one charge:
Tennis emporium.

August 18th, two charges:

Mario’s bistro
and, get this, pet palace.

You guys see what
this means, right?

Wow, mario’s bistro.

What a perfect place
to whore around.

Only the best
for my little lily pad.

Oh, funk legend george clinton,

I am so glad you spotted
me at your concert

And dragged me onstage to dance
with you courtney cox-style.

And I’m so glad you agreed
to play tennis with me.

You know, marshall
tried to get me

To play tennis for nine years,

But I didn’t do it, because
I never truly loved him.

I got you a gift.

Oh, I’ll buy it some food
next door at the pet palace.

Oh, I’ve always wanted one,

But marshall had this
secret phobia of ferrets.

I bet that’s something he made
you promise not to tell nobody.

I love you, funk
legend george clinton.

I love you, too, lily.

That’s right, marshall,
she’s all mine.

Now I’m gonna let her play
with my hair.

♪ Ow, we want the funk

♪ give up the funk.

That’s the craziest
thing I’ve ever heard.

Yeah, why are you
afraid of ferrets?

Because, robin, they’re like
fuzzy, tube-shaped rats.

Plus, those charges are
from, like, a month ago.

Exactly.
For new charges,

You can see credit card activity
from, like, two hours ago.

But, you know, don’t.

Why do you talk?

Why do you talk?!

Barney:
He needs her password.

It’s not like he
has her password.

Ooh, this is good,
he has her password.

There’s a charge
from earlier today:

The kellett hotel on 5th.

I don’t believe this.

Lily’s back in new york.

I can’t believe this.

Lily’s in new york?

I-I guess I’ve been thinking

When she got back,
she’d call me.

That’s really the only reason

I’ve been able to hold it
together so far this summer.

This has been
«holding it together»?

Okay, you know what?
I’m calling her.

No.
Ted, give me the phone.

You’re not calling her,
this changes nothing.

Look, while we’re away
this weekend,

Can you keep an eye on him,

Make sure he doesn’t
call that hotel?

You want me to baby-sit him?

And money for pizza.

Uh, yeah, how about
you do it for free

Or every time we hang out,
you have to watch this?

My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips.
Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar.

Stop being a couple.

Ted, I know I shouldn’t
do this, but I have to!

You call her everything
we’ve worked so hard.

(both yelling at once)

Hello, lily aldrin’s
room, please.

Thank you.
Hang up now.

Ted, I can’t hang up now.
Hang up now.

The missiles are in the air, and
I know that you don’t approve.

Uh, a guy answered.

There’s-there’s a guy
in her room.

I’m going down there.

Barney:
Dude, you can’t do that.

I have to go down there,
and I have

To tell her I love her; I have
to beg her to take me back,

Even if I have to
get down on my knees.

Marshall, you can’t do that.
Oh, really, why not?

That’s how long it took me
to get right about here.

Because you’re pathetic!

I’m sorry, but right now,
you are not marshall.

You are the miserable,

Whining, shampoo-sniffing
ghost of marshall,

And frankly, a guy like you

Doesn’t have a shot
in hell with a girl like lily.

You know who might have a shot

Somewhere down the line?

The real marshall.

But if you go down there right
now like this, you’re going

To blow it for him, and he’s
never going to forgive you.

Of course, whatever I say,

You’re just going to do
the opposite,

So have a great weekend.

Good luck screwing up your life.

Is it still okay if
we borrow the car?

Bold. Bold to go for the car.

I didn’t say a thing.

You think I was too hard on him.

I can’t believe you’re accusing
me of being too hard on him.

You’re the one
who said «tough love.»

Yeah, tough love, not
«hand the guy a noose.»

Oh, but it’s okay
to hand him a nine millimeter?

Yeah, he told me.

So you’re a gun nut?

No, I’m a gun enthusiast.
Do you know how many people

Are killed each year
the second amendment

Protects my right to bear arms.
In accidents.

All right, all right, all right.

I was too hard on him.

I’m going to call barney,
see how they’re doing.

(phone rings) go for barney.

Oh, hey, where are you guys?

We’re at a fund-raiser,

Helping young women raise money
for community college.

Strip club, nice.

Is marshall okay?
(laughs)

Yeah, he’s here and he’s great.

Uh, hang on.
Marshall?

I can’t believe this.

He’s going to go down
to that hotel.

Crap, you’re right.

Okay, okay, here’s the plan,
here’s the plan.

You go down to the hotel
and find him.

I’ll stay here
and get a lap dance.

On three. One, two.

Was there a hot tub
at your uncle’s place?

A really nice one.

Hi, uh, could you tell me
what room lily aldrin’s in?

Well, I went up to lily’s floor,

And I had this little speech
in my head.

Everything I’ve been wanting
to say to her all summer

About love, loyalty, respect.

I knocked on the door.

So you knocked out
lily’s new boyfriend?

It wasn’t lily’s boyfriend.

What? Who. who was it?

Ted: His name was joey adalian,
although he went by a number

Of aliases in his years
as an identity thief.

Apparently,
earlier in the summer.

Lily:
Oh, this is so embarrassing.

I-I could have sworn
I had some change.

No, that’s-that’s a button.

It was a button.

Do you, uh, take credit cards?

So lily’s not back in town,

And she doesn’t
have a boyfriend?

Th-that’s good news, right?

Those credit card charges

Were the only remaining
connection I had to her.

I don’t know where she is
or what she’s doing.

She was my whole life, man,
and now she’s-she’s gone.

You know, first day of
college, I showed up,

And-and I got up to my room,
and there was my roommate,

Lying on the bed with
his feet up on the wall.

Had headphones on,
big smile on his face

Like he just didn’t give a crap.

Confident.
Not afraid of anything.

That guy was you.

You before you met lily.

I was high that day.

I was so high,
I thought you were the dean.

Wh-what I’m saying is

There’s a version of
you without lily,

And it’s not this.

You can’t let lily
steal your identity

The way that guy stole hers.

Starting tomorrow, I’m
going to start being okay.

’cause that’s not
how life works.

The next day, he found one
of her socks or something,

And then, one morning.

Ted, I think
you should see this.

Marshall, what are you doing?

It’s pancakes day.

And one really disgusting
batch of pancakes.

But marshall had come back
from the dead.

Because while baseball,
strippers and guns can help,

The only thing that can really
heal a broken heart is time.

Lily moves in with Marshall and Ted, and when Ted suspects that he’s being edged out of the apartment, he and Marshall decide to settle it like men.

Kids, before I met your mother,

When I was still
out there searching,

I learned something valuable.

That love is not a science.

Wow, that was
a great story, dad.

You see, sometimes in life
you just have to accept

That certain things
can’t be explained.

And that’s kind of scary.

I know, I’m still shaking.
What the.

Joke’s on you, I have a cold.

Are you guys okay?

Another round, and back it
up for me and lily!

We saw something up
in the apartment.

I don’t know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.

Oh, muchos sexy.
Yo quiero, marshall.

Only the craziest,
meanest looking mouse
you’ve ever seen.

Sweetie, that wasn’t a mouse.

That was a huge cockroach.

Baby, it was a mouse.

But those things coming out of
its head, those were antennae.

Marshall ran away
from a cockroach.

Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad.
You’re a man.

Oh, my story is on.

Ted, pay attention.

Carl, turn it up.

I’m here with ellen pierce,

New york’s premiere matchmaker.

Ellen, your company,
love solutions,

Boasts 100%
success rate.

What’s your secret?

Can be broken down to ones
and zeros, even love.

All I have to do is
input the variables,

And presto manifesto, you have
a soul mate, and it works!

Just ask all
of my happy couples.

And these are just
the attractive ones.

I have more photos
in the bathroom.

Love solutions, ellen pierce.

A beacon of hope
for new york city’s lovelorn.

Was that chick at the end
really a client?
Yes.

We’re signing up.
What?

Ted, these chicks are
desperate and hot.

That’s a perfect cocktail.

Shake well, then sleep with.

I’m not going to a matchmaker.
That’s like giving up.

It’s the man version
of getting a cat.

No, it wasn’t a cockroach.

It had fur, and only
mammals have fur.

It was a cockroach.

Come on, lily, the only way
that that was a cockroach

Is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.

Hurry! You’ve got to help me.
My boat is sinking!
What?

My boat is sinking!
You have a boat?

Yes, I bought a boat last year
at a police auction.

I just got a call from a guy
down at the marina

If I don’t get down there right
now, it’s going to capsize.

Your boat is sinking.

This is an incredible
opportunity.

We’ll meet our soul mates,

Nail ’em
and never call ’em again.

All finished, gentlemen?

You have just taken

Your very first step.

Gosh, thanks, ellen.

I sure hope this works.

With the single life—

You deserve more.

That is so true, ellen.

I really think I’m ready
to stop being a me,

And start being a we.

Hey, is there any way
I can let it be known

That I love cuddling?

Ah, of course you can.

Kind of hard to talk
about with ted here,

But I just want someone
who’s not afraid

To hold me at night.

When the tears come.

Ellen, can you help
me find her?

I get 15 guys like you
every week.

Jerks who just want

To meet
vulnerable women,

Nail ’em
and never call ’em again.

Oh, my god, people do that?

Do you want to do this
the easy way or the hard way?

What’s the hard way?

Security roughs me up
and tosses me out?

No, that’s the easy way.

The hard way is that I stomp
the crap out of you myself.

Okay, ted, let’s go.
Not you. You stay.

You’re an architect.

Good career, and you didn’t use
an obvious alias

On your application,
like your friend jack package.

It’s pronounced pa-codge.

Get out of here!

You I can work with.

You give me three days,

And I will find the woman
you will marry.

I don’t need an algorithm

It’s new york city, you know—
plenty of fish in the sea.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Yes, there’s nine million people
in new york,

4.5 million women.

Of course, you want to meet
somebody roughly your own age.

Let’s say, plus, minus,
five years.

So if we take into account
the most recent census data,

Are already in relationships,

And then you have to eliminate
half for intelligence,

Sense of humor
and compatibility,

And then you
have to take out

The ex-girlfriends
and the relatives,

And, oh, we can’t forget
those lesbians.

That leaves us with eight women.

That can’t be right.
Eight?

There are eight fish
in that big blue ocean, ted.

And if you feel confident
that you could reel one in

To your boat without me,
there’s the door.

Do you take credit cards?

And this time we got
a good look.

Hey, seriously,
you have to stop doing that.

It’s been feeding.

We were just upstairs
watching tv.

Okay, let’s do this.

It’s okay. It’s over.

So did you get
a good look at it?

Yeah. It has six legs, a hard
exoskeleton, like a roach.

But it had mouse-like
characteristics.

Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

So which is it:
A cockroach or a mouse?

It’s a cock-a-mouse.

It’s some sort of mutant
combination of the two.

It’s as if a cockroach
and a mouse, you know.

Did the horizontal,
ten-legged, interspecies
cha-cha?

That simply can’t happen.

And it has.
And it’s pissed.

Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.

There was no time.

So, love solutions?

Did you meet the love
of your life?

She said it’d take three days.
It’s been five days.

Should I be worried?

Oh, just play it cool.

Don’t ted out about it.

Did you just use my name
as a verb?

We do that behind
your back.

Also see «ted up.»

«Ted up:» to overthink

Something with
disastrous results.

Sample sentence: Billy
tedded up when he tried.

I’m not going
to ted anything up. Or out.

I should give it
a few more days.

Hi, ellen. Remember me?
I’m ted.

I, uh, meant to call you.

The computer is still
crunching the numbers.

Busy as a bee, that
little computer.

You said it was going
to be three days.

Three days? Really?

Yeah, and when someone says
you’re going to meet

The perfect woman in three days,

You kind of put that
in your date book, so.

How do I say this?

This is going to be
really hard.

There are absolutely
no women out there for you.

Phew, actually, I got
through that okay.

There are no women
out there for me?

I thought you said
there were eight.

I know. There are
supposed to be.

I don’t know where
they are.

But. I’m an architect.

And you said I’m cute.

I’m a cute architect.

How do you think I feel?

I have a 100% success rate.

I could maybe find

Somebody for you
if you were gay.

Well, I’m not.
A little bi maybe?

You’re messing with me, right?

Come see for yourself.

I cannot set you up

Unless you have
a compatibility rating

Of 7.0 or higher.

And look: 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.

There’s a 9.6 right there.

Don’t touch the computer.

Yes, sarah o’brien.

I fixed her up six months ago.

She would have been absolutely
perfect for you.

Well, what about the guy
you set her up with?

Is he a 9.6
compatibility rating?

No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.

Oh, sure, it’s good.
It’s solid, but a 9.6?

9.6 is off the charts,
but sarah is matched up.

Ted, look, I have a lunch.

Please, I
promise we will

Find you somebody.
Don’t lose hope.

There are new women
turning 18 every day.

It’s a whole
new species—

And it’s the size
of a potato.

So what, now it’s a
cock-a-potato-mouse?

Don’t make it
sound ridiculous.

It’s a cock-a-mouse.

My god, this is incredible.
We’re like the same person.

Sarah o’brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.

Her guilty pleasure song

Is «summer breeze»
by seals and crofts.

Wow, ted, sounds like
you’re her perfect woman.

And like
the majestic seahorse,

Obviously the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.

For as much as we know
about the cock-a-mouse,

There’s still so much
we don’t know.

Well, we know that there’s no
such thing as the cock-a-mouse.

What we don’t know is what
you guys have been smoking.

So you really don’t believe
in the cock-a-mouse?

Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,

But you’ve exaggerated it
in your mind, you know?

Like the loch ness monster.

If by «like
the loch ness monster,»

You mean totally exists
and is awesome, then yeah,

It’s like the
loch ness monster.

Its diet is not unlike our own—

Grains, cereals— and
it’s awfully fond of cheese.

Okay, this is getting weird.

The similarities go on and on.

She hates phonies.

I totally hate phonies, too.

She’s a dermatologist.

You want to be
her boyfriend.

She already
has a boyfriend.

But it wouldn’t hurt
to check her out, right?

See what my 9.6
looks like in person?

As, you know, a
frame of reference.

And if she thinks she
can do 11.45% better,

Who am I
to deny her that?

Hi. I’m dr. O’brien.

I’m architect mosby.

Sorry, I just wanted
to say my job, too.

Right, I, uh, I have
a kind of mole on my back.

It’s probably nothing,

But I’m a cautious guy.

I’m exactly the same.

♪ summer breeze
makes me feel fine ♪

♪ blowing through the jasmine
in my mind ♪

Sorry about that.

«summer breeze» is
my guilty pleasure song.

It’s been stuck in my head

Ever since I heard it
this weekend. At brunch.

As long as I don’t
have to spend it

With a bunch of phonies.

I like the way you think,
architect mosby.

Hey, this may
sound weird,

But it’ll definitely sound
more weird once my shirt’s off.

So I’m going to ask you now.

Do you want to have dinner
with me Saturday night?

That’s very sweet,

But I’m actually getting married
on Saturday.

Wow. You’re
getting married.

I’m really sorry
I asked you out.

It just felt like there could be

This weird connection
between us.

How crazy am I coming off here?

If by some million-
to-one long shot

And I’m not
rooting for this—

You wind up not getting married
this weekend,

But it’s not likely.

I look damn good in my dress.

Wow, that’s a pretty
sophisticated trap.

You think the roadrunner’s
going to fall for it?

Okay, we get it.
You’re skeptical.

But marshall and I,
we’re believers.

The universe is mysterious
and awesome.

You’ve got the bermuda triangle,
ghosts, bigfoot.

Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

Oh, come on,
you’ve got to give me aliens.

Stonehenge, area 51,

There’s alien crap
all over the place.

You can’t be serious.

My friend,
you just poked the bear.

Yeah, it was a long shot.

I told her to call me anyway
if she changes her mind,

But I don’t know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let’s not skip over this.

Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman.

Come on, lily.
Don’t hate the player.

«on the night of July 2, 1947,

Conditions were clear
over roswell, new mexico. «

Oh, hey, ted, there’s a message
on the machine for you.

«when suddenly an array of. «

Ted, hi, this is dr. O’brien.

About today, listen, I really
need to talk to you.

Call me.
I’ll be at the office all day.

The doctor will see you now.

I should totally
go down there, right?

Some guy is expecting to marry
this woman on Saturday.

Look, if I was marrying
the wrong person

And the right person was
out there and knew it,

I’d want that person to come
down to my dermatology office

In that scenario,

I’m not interfering,
I’m a happy ending.

Look, I have
to go down there.

I don’t know what’s going
to happen when I get there,

But I’ve got to
give it a shot.

All right, see you later.

Wait, where
are you guys going?

Don’t you want to stay
and see the cock-a-mouse?

Yeah, we’re going to go
make some crop circles.

Holy crap buckets.
We got it.

What do we do with it?
Calm down.

I told my friend
sudeep about it.

He wants to show it to the
columbia biology department.

But it has to be alive.

They’ll do lab
experiments on it.

Shouldn’t we just beat it
to death with a bat?

I would prefer to say this
to you in person.

You can tell me anything.

You have
a basal cell carcinoma.

The biopsy came back.

It’s not life-threatening,

But we should excise
the rest of it.

Wait, then you’re still
getting married?

Of course I’m still
getting married.

I went to love solutions,
and I saw

On ellen pierce’s
computer,

That you and I are a 9.6.

Your fiancé is only

You looked at my file?

I had to.
You’re my only match.

Aren’t you even
a little curious?

The woman who set you up
with your fiancé

Thinks we’re a better match.

I am getting married
on Saturday.

♪summer breeze.
Ted.

Look, don’t you think
you’re being a little impulsive

Marrying a guy you just met
a few months ago?

Don’t you think
it’s a little impulsive for you

To proposition an engaged woman
you don’t even know?

See?
We’re both impulsive.

We’re perfect for each other.

Ted, just calm down.

Calm down?!
You’re my only match.

God, there was a computer

And there were eight fish
in a sea full of lesbians and.

Do you honestly believe,
deep down,

That there is no one else
out there for you

Just because some computer
says so?

I didn’t used to.

But there was math.
I got confused.

Love isn’t a science.

You can’t calculate
a feeling.

When you fall in
love with someone,

An 8.5 equals a perfect ten.

If this thing is
what you say it is,

It could be huge for my career.

Brace yourself, dude.

This is going to
blow your mind hole.

I actually got excited
about this.

Wait, but if
it’s not here,

Oh, my god.
It’s real.

What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?

It was the only thing
I could think of.

Lily, I love you.

Robin, open up the window!

Open the window! Ah!

Be free, mutant beast.

I’ll miss
this private war of ours.

I grew to admire
your tenacious.

Holy mother of god,
it’s headed this way!

I think I want
my money back.

I’m all washed up.

I tried everything, ted.

I widened the search parameters.

I tweaked the program.

Last night I stood out
on the street for five hours

Showing your photo to random
pedestrians. No takers.

Although
this transvestite hooker

Said he/she would do you
for half price

Because you kind of look like
john cusack

And his/her favorite movie
was say anything.

Come on, ellen.
I mean, a pint of ice cream,

Isn’t that a bit cliché?

It’s for the bourbon.

This isn’t hopeless.

You’re going to find
someone for me.

You’re going to die alone.

I’m not going to die alone.

Look at me.
I’m bright, I’m attractive.

You just got to get back
out there and keep looking.

No, you’re never going
to find anybody.

And every year
you’re just getting older

And it’s getting
harder and harder.

You’re being ridiculous.

I’m going to be up on that wall
one of these days.

How do you know?

I don’t know, but I believe.

Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse

Can find love
in this crazy city,

Then, damn it, so can I.

You’re losing me.

The point is, something good’s
going to happen to me.

Maybe your computer will help,

Maybe it won’t,
but it’ll happen.

So I should keep looking?

Of course you should.

And now, you’re going
to do it for free.