How to deal with anger

How to deal with anger?

You don’t know how to control anger? Read useful tips below.

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Probably, everybody has experienced such unpleasant phenomenon as anger at least once in his/her life.

An angry person starts yelling, feels irritated and is eaten up with negative emotions, but tell me, what is the point of all that?

In most cases our “righteous anger” is completely unreasonable.

Anger is a common reaction to certain situations and circumstances which surely must not become our everyday emotion.

Keep in mind that if you are accompanied by anger, you should expect worsening in every sphere of your life – career, personal life, relationships with family and friends, etc. I’m sure that nobody would like that!

That’s why you should learn how to control your anger!

Psychologists discovered that people, who suffer from negative emotions and don’t know how to deal with anger, often fall ill.

Their body doesn’t function properly and they have problems with their gastrointestinal tract and liver.

You should NEVER try to restrain your anger because it can lead to the long-lasting depression.

How to control anger: causes of its occurrence

Do you often feel anger, indignation and fury?

You have to determine whether it is a slight irritation or a real rage. Where do these negative emotions even come from?

The most common reason for anger is pain. When a person is seized with pain, he/she loses control over himself/herself and over the situation, and becomes totally uncontrollable.

Anger may also be caused by gossip, betrayal, jeers or broken promise.

Such circumstances provoke the so-called “righteous anger”, and its occurrence shouldn’t be considered unreasonable.

However, it is also accompanied by fury, which sometimes occurs out of nowhere, and takes place only due to the fact that the world was not meant for one person only.

In this case anger is aimed at everything around.

Anger increases or becomes uncontrollable because of the following reasons:

Sometimes the feeling of anger resembles a stressful situation, that’s why the overall condition of the person’s health is worsened.

How to deal with anger: its symptoms

If you notice having some of these symptoms, try to calm down and pull yourself together. Obviously, it is easier said than done. You may ask me how to start controlling your own emotions.

I’d say that it’s about time to say “NO” to anger! And I’ll help you with that.

Ways to control anger

«Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you’re doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you.»
Joel Osteen

You may experience some difficulties trying to follow these recommendations in the heat of passion, but it’s worth trying.

However, you should keep in mind that these actions can only restrain anger for some period of time, but it cannot totally eradicate it.

In order to calm down you have to let off steam.

There are different ways to do it: you can engage yourself in some kind of sport, hit a punching bag, or beat your carpets from dust with a mop or a broom.

It really helps, I can tell you from my own experience! 🙂

The most important thing is to gather all your accumulated anger and apply it to something useful in order to get rid of this disgusting negative emotion!

I wish all of you to be always in high spirits and keep your pecker up!

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

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We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Table of Contents

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways [1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance. If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

8 ways to deal with anger

First up, anger isn’t a ‘bad’ emotion. It can actually help you to be honest or to stand up for something you believe in. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling angry. What matters is how you cope with and express your anger.

If you learn anger management skills, you’ll look less like this…

and more like this…

We’re not guaranteeing you won’t still be in a bad mood, but you’ll be less likely to act in a way you might regret.

Here are our tips for the best way to control your anger.

1. Recognise the warning signs

If you can recognise when you’re starting to feel angry, you’ll be in a good place to try some of our tips before you get really worked up or lash out. You can then try a few of the strategies below. Some warning signs are:

Acknowledging that you feel angry and identifying the emotions you’re feeling can sometimes help to reduce the intensity. Saying «I’m angry right now» or «I’m feeling frustrated and annoyed» can be the first step in understanding and resolving your feelings of anger.

2. Work out why you’re angry

There’s lots of reasons why you might be angry. It’s a normal or understandable response in some situations, such as when you or someone else is being treated unfairly. If you’re not sure why you’ve just snapped at someone, though, think back through your day and try to pinpoint what set you off.

Some other reasons why you might be feeling angry include:

If you work on first recognising and then dealing with your anger, it won’t have such a damaging effect on your relationships, body, mind and emotions.

3. Write it down

Sometimes, writing stuff down can help you work out why you’re feeling angry and how you might be able to deal with it. Try drafting a letter to someone to explore what you think is making you angry, how you’re responding to the situation and how you want to address your feelings. Take a pause before sending it and read back over your letter. This method will allow you to express your feelings, while reading over your words will help you to put things in perspective. You may find you don’t need to send the letter as your feelings subside after writing, or writing it down may help you find the right words that you can use in a discussion.

4. Count to 100

This one seems pretty basic, but it works really well for anger management. Thinking about something other than what’s making you upset for 100 seconds can help you avoid blowing a fuse. It gives you a chance to gather yourself and your thoughts before you do anything else.

5. Press pause

When you feel angry about something, it’s almost impossible to deal with the situation in a productive or helpful way. If you feel yourself losing your cool, just walk away from the situation for a while. You’ll deal with it better when everyone, yourself included, is feeling calmer.

6. Move your body

Exercise is an awesome way to let off steam. You could take a walk around the block, go for a run, or do something really high-energy like boxing.

7. Talk to someone

Talking to someone you trust about how you’re feeling can take a weight off your shoulders as well as your mind. That could be a trusted adult, friend or family member. You could even join ReachOut’s Online Community and talk with other young people who get how you’re feeling and can share their own anger management strategies.

If your anger is getting out of control, or you think you or someone in your life meets the criteria for a personality disorder, consider seeing a mental health professional. Watch our video to find out why talking helps.

8. Take time to relax

If you know what helps you to relax, you’ll find it really useful whenever you’re feeling angry. Take some time out to do something you enjoy, it could be:

How To Deal With Anger: Your Gentle Guide To Removing Anger For Life

This article series is available for download as a free PDF ebook. Click the button below to download.

This is part 4 of a 5-part series on anger where I share my history with anger, how to let go of anger, and how to deal with angry people.

How To Deal With Anger: A Gentle Guide

Most people would think of anger as an emotion that’s part and parcel of life. That, hey, it is normal to feel angry once in a while. And that it is okay to be angry when things don’t go your way.

I beg to differ though. Having grown up in a household of anger, and having experienced life as a highly angry person, I have come to realize that anger doesn’t have to be part of life. While there is nothing wrong with being angry (after all, there is no right or wrong emotion), anger doesn’t have to be an option. Just as you choose to be angry, you can choose not to be angry. And you can resolve problems just the same, if not better, without anger being in the picture. At all.

In today’s guide, I’ll teach you conscious methods on how to deal with anger, such that you will become an angerless person. This guide is not about anger “management” or anger “control”, which are short-term solutions. This guide is about permanent anger resolution, because long-term solutions, not quick fixes, should be our aim in life.

Step 1: Recognize When You Are Angry

Contrary to what most might think, anger isn’t just limited to moments when you lose your cool and fly into a rage. Anger starts the moment you harbor negative emotions about something or someone. As you feel more and more unhappy, your anger compounds… Eventually you snap when your anger hits a certain threshold and you can’t hold it in any longer.

For example, before I resolved my anger issues, I would be easily irked and frustrated. I would rarely fly into a rage, unless I was at home and dealing with my family members, who had anger issues of their own and with whom I had compounded grievances against. I thought I wouldn’t be considered an angry person since I would hardly lose my temper at others.

However, I was wrong. As I unraveled my anger issues in the past year, I realized I was quite an intensely angry person. I realized that irk and frustration are forms of anger. They are just lesser forms of anger. They are, in fact, the inducting states of anger.

This means if you often feel irked or frustrated, there is actually an angry soul in you waiting to be unleashed. You are no different than a ticking time bomb waiting to go off any minute. All it takes are (a) the right stimulus and (b) sufficient irk to be compounded before you fly into a rage at someone or something.

Here’s an anger index I’ve created to help you gain consciousness of your anger. Can you recognize the different anger states?

What levels do you hover around on a usual day? How often do you enter each level? What is the highest level you have hit before?

Regardless of your answer for each question, you should endeavor to reach Level 0, because that is your natural state of being. None of us are born with anger in our souls. The only reason we even have irk, frustration, anger, or rage in our system is because of (a) past, unprocessed anger that is stuck in our souls, and (b) faulty paradigms of thinking. It’s about (a) processing those unprocessed anger through Steps 2 to 4, and (b) correcting those faulty paradigms through Step 5.

Step 2: Know Your Anger Triggers

Do you know your anger triggers? What makes you angry? What ticks you off? What can you not stand?

For the next two minutes, make a list of things that (a) irk or frustrate you (e.g. late public transport, bad customer service, negative people, or inconsiderate people), (b) infuriates you to no end (e.g. injustice to the weak, molesters / rapists, or hypocrites), and (c) instantly pisses you off (e.g. screeching of chalk against a blackboard).

Now, for the rest of today, observe your reaction to everything that happens. Whenever you observe yourself feeling irked or angry, note the trigger and add it onto your list. Spot as many anger triggers as you can.

My Experience Uncovering My Anger Triggers

When I did this exercise, I did it over the span of a week. I uncovered many triggers which I was previously unconscious of. Majority were day-to-day occurrences which I never gave much thought to. Things like unsolicited phone calls, running late for appointments, delayed public transport, and noise disturbances. I wouldn’t be overtly angry, but those events would most definitely irk me to some degree.

Beyond day-to-day occurrences, I also identified deeper anger triggers. I realized I had little tolerance for insincere and/or unauthentic people. I would be heavily repulsed by people who were unauthentic in communication and/or approach personal relationships with a hidden agenda. I also had a disdain for lazy people; people who skive and take the easy way out in life. As a person with excellence as my top value, I could not stand that.

Doing the list was eye-opening. It made me recognize trends to things which would make me angry—usually of things which impeded my agenda or went against my core values (excellence, passion, courage, truth, and authenticity). It helped me to anticipate situations which would set me off, hence pre-empting anger situations so I could deal with them consciously.

Step 3: Drill into Your Anger Triggers

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” — Carl Gustav Jung

After creating your anger triggers list, drill into each anger trigger to uncover its root cause.

Using the digging exercise to find out why your anger triggers make you angry. For each trigger, ask yourself “Why does this make me angry?”. Pen down the answer and repeat the question until you reach an aha moment (surrounding your anger). This would be the root cause of your anger (at least for that particular trigger).

For example, say after doing Step 2, you realize your anger triggers are (a) talking to rude people, and (b) seeing old people being mistreated. Let’s drill into them one at a time.

Example #1: Talking to Rude People

Here, you find out that your anger to rude people is linked to your childhood when you were rudely treated by your schoolmates. This is the underlying driver for your anger in this case.

Example #2: Seeing Old People Being Mistreated

Here, you found out that your anger with people mistreating old people is linked to times when you did not receive help even though you needed it. This is the real reason why you are angry at old people being mistreated (above and beyond the other reasons you uncovered).

For more on how your anger triggers are interrelated with your inner self and your past, read Day 22: Mirror an Annoyance of Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program. It comes with an exercise which will help you release your external annoyances from within.

Anger Triggers and Past Events

As you drill into each anger trigger, you may wind up tracing it to a past event, as we did in the two examples above.

If so, it suggests that you still hold resentment and anger over that past event. This resentment and anger was never properly processed, which is why you continue to feel angry over related situations today, even though that original event is long over. This brings us to the next step, which is…

Step 4: Let Go of the Anger

“Choose Love. Surrender the desire to hurt.” — Sanaya Roman

Having uncovered the root cause of your anger trigger, it’s now time to let the anger go.

For example, let’s say your friend broke a promise to you a year ago and you remain resentful about it today. Why? What are your grievances about that episode?

Perhaps you are angry that she did not live up to what she had promised. Perhaps you are angry that she did not fulfill the expectations you had of her. Perhaps you are angry that she is not the person you thought she was. Perhaps, just perhaps, the real reason you are upset with her is because you thought both of you shared a special bond and you wish she had placed more importance in the friendship to remember and honor that promise.

If you are angry with your friend for not living up to your expectations, ask yourself: Why do you have such expectations of her? Why are you evaluating her by those expectations? Is she a bad person or a bad friend just because she didn’t conform to your expectations? Are you being fair to her by measuring her against those expectations?

If you are angry with your friend for not valuing you enough as a friend to live up to the promise, ask yourself: Is it true that she did not, does not, value you as a friend? Or was that just your conclusion? How do you think she truly views the friendship?

Challenge your assumptions and beliefs as you work through your grievances. Most grievances are the result of faulty thinking or simply missing the bigger picture. If you can uncover the missing link, you will no sooner be liberated of your unhappiness.

(Be sure to also check out Day 25: Forgive Someone of Be a Better Me in 30 Days Program. It’s about letting go of anger in the context of self-forgiveness, including a step-by-step exercise on how you can go about doing it.)

Step 5: Stop Generating New Anger (by Letting Go of Attachments)

As you process the “old” anger from your past, make a pact not to create new anger in your consciousness.

This means if you ever come across incidents or people which violate your expectations, don’t be angry. Accept that things aren’t the way you want them to be, at least at this moment. Embrace the disparity between reality and what you want. Then, focus on finding, or even creating, solutions.

Example: Making the Decision to Stop Being Angry at Unauthentic People

I used to get very angry at unauthentic people. For example, people who say something but do something else. People who approach relationships with ulterior motives. People who do not live up to promises. People who do not make an effort to maintain friendships. I would not lose my anger at these people, but I would resent them and cut them out of my life.

The reason of this pet peeve was because of an unpleasant history I had with someone back in primary school. This person, a good friend then, would be sweet and saccharine when around me. However, she would turn on me and badmouth me when my back was turned. I only knew about her antics through common friends. The incident left a mark in my consciousness and made me resent unauthentic people. (In retrospect, it was ridiculous junior school drama and is not even something I care about today.)

However, after doing Day 12: Forgive yourself in the Kindness Challenge, and making the conscious decision to forgive unauthentic people I encountered before, I realized that I might have been missing something all this while. I realized that perhaps I had misunderstood the people whom I perceived as unauthentic—that perhaps they were simply being them and not trying to oust me. I realized that perhaps it was their right to be whoever they wanted to be—even if it meant being unauthentic—and I had no right to judge or put them down just for that side of their character.

So I decided to stop being angry at said unauthentic people. I decided to stop bearing grievances against them. I decided to remove the biased lens I had used to perceive these “unauthentic” and to give them a fair chance at making an impression.

Interestingly, as I released my anger at these people, I felt lighter. Happier. Released. Almost as if… the only person I had been trapping all this while (of feeling resentful towards the unauthentic people) was myself, not the unauthentic people.

It made me realize that the only person I had been hurting the whole time was actually myself. I thought I was protecting myself and I thought I was “punishing” those “unethical” people by resenting them, but really, I was just hurting myself.

Anger in Life

The same goes to everything else that we tend to get angry about. We may think that we are justified in feeling the anger (and we probably are), but the point is that the anger isn’t necessary to begin with. That there is a third path (beyond being angry and ignoring our anger) which involves no anger at all.

When you are angry, you are like a mad man wearing a straitjacket that is laced with kerosene and set on fire. You flap around trying to hurt others with the flames of your jacket (and you probably do end up hurting one or two people in the process), but really, the person you end up hurting the most is yourself.

To permanently remove anger from your life, you have to make the conscious decision to stop being angry (as you work through your past anger). This means letting go of attachments. This means not expecting people to conform to expectations. This means being okay when things don’t match your expectations. This also means learning to embrace life’s little quirks and idiosyncrasies.

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Roll with the punches. Step out into the sun. Learn to laugh at yourself. And learn to dance in the rain.

I made the decision a month ago to stop being angry (which then sparked this series), and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. How about you? Are you ready to join me in living an angerless life? I’ll be here waiting.

After much demand, I’ve written a part 5 on how to deal with angry family members. Read here: What To Do When You Live with Angry People: 7 Tips

This is part 4 of a 5-part series on anger where I share my history with anger, how to let go of anger, and how to deal with angry people.

How to Deal With Your Anger

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She’s also a psychotherapist, the author of the bestselling book «13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,» and the host of The Verywell Mind Podcast.

Cultura / Matelly / Riser / Getty Images

We all experience anger. When managed correctly and kept in check, anger can be a positive thing—a red flag that something’s wrong, a catalyst for change, a good self-motivator. But if not handled properly, anger can turn destructive and negatively impact your health and relationships.

Because anger is such a powerful emotion, dealing with it can be both challenging and confusing. Here are some proven anger management strategies to help you stay calm.

Determine the Cause of Your Anger

The first step to dealing with anger is to know what set you off in the first place. You may be irritable because of life stress, a lack of sleep, or hormonal changes. Feelings of anger can also stem from an underlying mental disorder such as anxiety or depression.

Identify (and Avoid) Anger Triggers

More often than not, something specific is triggering your anger. Everyone has their own triggers for what makes them angry, but some common ones include situations in which you feel:

Being able to predict what situations will provoke you is key to keeping your temper under control. You may not be able to eliminate everything in your life that causes you anger and frustration, but cutting out what you can will go a long way.

Stop Venting

Many people view venting as a good way to release pent-up anger and frustration. But venting may not be as helpful as you think.

Research shows that instead of helping you let off steam, venting just fuels the fire of your anger. It’s hard to forget an annoyance if you’re constantly talking about it. And the more you talk about it, the angrier you’ll become.

If you find yourself wanting to talk a lot about what is making you angry, it might be a good idea to schedule a few sessions with a therapist, who may have some effective ideas on dealing with anger.

Trying to solve a problem is a good idea, but stewing in your anger is not. Mindfulness meditation is a proven strategy for minimizing rumination.

Start an Anger Diary

Journaling is a great way to vent in a healthier way. Research shows that writing when you feel angry not only helps release negative emotions, but can also reduce physical pain. It can help you see or understand an anger-provoking situation in a different light. Putting your feelings on paper is also a simple way to track those things that really «push your buttons.»

Research on the benefits of journaling supports the effectiveness of writing down your feelings and working through them on paper. The written expression of anger allows you to actively do something with your anger rather than just letting it make you feel bad.

A Word From Verywell

If you’re struggling to manage your anger, or if your anger is causing problems in your life, you may want to consider professional help. Sometimes, mental health issues like depression or anxiety can contribute to anger management problems. Talk to your physician about a referral to a therapist or even an anger management class.