Fact: While there are health benefits that come with being in a solid relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being single, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in.” Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. And nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.

Fact: This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.

Fact: Women and men feel similar things but sometimes express their feelings differently, often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.

Fact: Love is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones, but emotion often influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion can become stronger over time.

Fact: You can’t change anyone. People only change if and when they want to change.

Fact: It’s never too late to change any pattern of behavior. Over time, and with enough effort, you can change the way you think, feel, and act.

Fact: Conflict doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. With the right resolution skills, conflict can also provide an opportunity for growth in a relationship.

Expectations about dating and finding love

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. Retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

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Consider what’s really important

Distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not.

Wants include things like occupation, intellect, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits seem crucially important at first, over time you’ll often find that you’ve been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more important to find someone who is:

Needs are different than wants in that needs are those qualities that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at a bar before last call.

What feels right to you?

When looking for lasting love, forget what looks right, forget what you think should be right, and forget what your friends, parents, or other people think is right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship feel right to me?

Dating tip 1: Keep things in perspective

Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.

Remember that first impressions aren’t always reliable, especially when it comes to Internet dating. It always takes time to really get to know a person and you have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations. For example, how well does this person hold up under pressure when things don’t go well or when they’re tired, frustrated, or hungry?

Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has flaws, and for a relationship to last, you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person they think you should be. Besides, what you consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and appealing. By shedding all pretense, you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to an honest, more fulfilling relationship.

Tip 2: Build a genuine connection

The dating game can be nerve wracking. It’s only natural to worry about how you’ll come across and whether or not your date will like you. But no matter how shy or socially awkward you feel, you can overcome your nerves and self-consciousness and forge a great connection.

Focus outward, not inward. To combat first-date nerves, focus your attention on what your date is saying and doing and what’s going on around you, rather than on your internal thoughts. Staying fully present in the moment will help take your mind off worries and insecurities.

Be curious. When you’re truly curious about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll come across as far more attractive and interesting than if you spend your time trying to promote yourself to your date. And if you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there’s little point in pursuing the relationship further.

Be genuine. Showing interest in others can’t be faked. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, your date will pick up on it. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. Rather than helping you connect and make a good impression, your efforts will most likely backfire. If you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there is little point in pursuing the relationship further.

Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.

Put your smartphone away. You can’t truly pay attention or forge a genuine connection when you’re multitasking. Nonverbal communication—subtle gestures, expressions, and other visual cues—tell us a lot about another person, but they’re easy to miss unless you’re tuned in.

Tip 3: Put a priority on having fun

Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services like speed dating are enjoyable for some people, but for others they can feel more like high-pressure job interviews. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.

Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to expand your social circle and participate in new events. Make having fun your focus. By pursuing activities you enjoy and putting yourself in new environments, you’ll meet new people who share similar interests and values. Even if you don’t find someone special, you will still have enjoyed yourself and maybe forged new friendships as well.

Tips for finding fun activities and like-minded people:

Tip 4: Handle rejection gracefully

At some point, everyone looking for love is going to have to deal with rejection—both as the person being rejected and the person doing the rejecting. It’s an inevitable part of dating, and never fatal. By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less intimidating. The key is to accept that rejection is an inevitable part of dating but to not spend too much time worrying about it. It’s never fatal.

Tips for handling rejection when dating and looking for love

Don’t take it personally. If you’re rejected after one or a few dates, the other person is likely only rejecting you for superficial reasons you have no control over—some people just prefer blondes to brunettes, chatty people to quiet ones—or because they are unable to overcome their own issues. Be grateful for early rejections—it can spare you much more pain down the road.

Don’t dwell on it, but learn from the experience. Don’t beat yourself up over any mistakes you think you made. If it happens repeatedly, though, take some time to reflect on how you relate to others, and any problems you need to work on. Then let it go. Dealing with rejection in a healthy way can increase your strength and resilience.

Acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to feel a little hurt, resentful, disappointed, or even sad when faced with rejection. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings without trying to suppress them. Practicing mindfulness can help you stay in touch with your feelings and quickly move on from negative experiences.

Tip 5: Watch for relationship red flags

Red-flag behaviors can indicate that a relationship is not going to lead to healthy, lasting love. Trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel. If you tend to feel insecure, ashamed, or undervalued, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Common relationship red flags:

The relationship is alcohol dependent. You only communicate well—laugh, talk, make love—when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances.

There’s trouble making a commitment. For some people commitment is much more difficult than others. It’s harder for them to trust others or to understand the benefits of a long-term relationship because of previous experiences or an unstable home life growing up.

Nonverbal communication is off. Instead of wanting to connect with you, the other person’s attention is on other things like their phone or the TV.

Jealousy about outside interests. One partner doesn’t like the other spending time with friends and family members outside of the relationship.

Controlling behavior. There is a desire on the part of one person to control the other, and stop them from having independent thoughts and feelings.

No one-on-one time. One partner only wants to be with the other as part of a group of people. If there’s no desire to spend quality time alone with you, outside of the bedroom, it can signify a greater issue.

Tip 6: Deal with trust issues

Mutual trust is a cornerstone of any close personal relationship. Trust doesn’t happen overnight; it develops over time as your connection with another person deepens. However, if you’re someone with trust issues—someone who’s been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond—then you may find it impossible to trust others and find lasting love.

If you have trust issues, your romantic relationships will be dominated by fear—fear of being betrayed by the other person, fear of being let down, or fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is possible to learn to trust others. By working with the right therapist or in a supportive group therapy setting, you can identify the source of your mistrust and explore ways to build richer, more fulfilling relationships.

Tip 7: Nurture your budding relationship

Finding the right person is just the beginning of the journey, not the destination. In order to move from casual dating to a committed, loving relationship, you need to nurture that new connection.

To nurture your relationship:

Invest in it. No relationship will run smoothly without regular attention, and the more you invest in each other, the more you’ll grow. Find activities you can enjoy together and commit to spending the time to partake in them, even when you’re busy or stressed.

Communicate openly. Your partner is not a mind reader, so tell them how you feel. When you both feel comfortable expressing your needs, fears, and desires, the bond between you will become stronger and deeper.

Resolve conflict by fighting fair. No matter how you approach the differences in your relationship, it’s important that you aren’t fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe to express the issues that bother you and to be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on being right.

Be open to change. All relationships change over time. What you want from a relationship at the beginning may be very different from what you and your partner want a few months or years down the road. Accepting change in a healthy relationship should not only make you happier, but also make you a better person: kinder, more empathic, and more generous.

Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Lawrence Robinson, and Greg Boose

Last updated: December 2020

Get more help

Relationship Search Tips for Singles – Ideas for where to meet other singles and find love. (Nancy Wesson, Ph.D.)

Building a Healthy Relationship from the Start – Aimed at college students but universally applicable. (UT Counseling and Mental Health Center)

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships – Aimed at college students but applicable to others. (University of Washington)

How to Find Love at 50

This article was co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master’s in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he’s the author of Married Roommates.

There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 60,663 times.

Finding love at 50 may feel like it’s a challenge, but it can be deeply rewarding with the right person. You may have had past relationships, or gone through a divorce, and now you’re wondering what’s ahead. There are still opportunities to start fresh, trying new things, and find love along the way. Learn how the right frame of mind about love at 50 can help you to navigate dating in the modern world and find a more meaningful connection.

15 Ways to Find Your True Love

They say there are three kinds of cherished love: first love, which is usually called puppy love; great love, which would sweep you off your feet; and true love, which may not be as magical as first love nor as thrilling as great love, yet the one that makes your heart at home.

True love is what everyone needs. It is unconditional, reassuring, and secure. It may not be perfect, but it completes the person who has it.

Finding true love

The next time you enter a relationship, see to it that it will be with your true love already. This would save you from heartaches due to being with the wrong person. So, how will you find your true love?

Here are 15 ways to draw you closer to the right person.

1. Start praying for the right person.

Personally, I believe God is the greatest writer of love stories. If we allow Him to guide us in our love life, we can avoid falling for the wrong person. For this reason, I believe that praying for wisdom in this area can help a great deal.

2. Prepare to meet the one by reaching your highest potentials.

You want to end up with the best person, right? Well, ‘best’ is relative, since different people have different concepts of ‘best’. What you need to find is the person who can be best for you.

Of course, that would be unfair if you would expect your true love to be the best for you, but you do not make any effort to be the best for him/her. Therefore, strive to be the best version of yourself. Reach for your dreams and work to improve your weaknesses. This way, it will be easier for you and a prospective partner to determine whether you are perfect for each other or not.

3. Make yourself attractive.

Let us face it. Before you can feel romantic love for a person, you get attracted first. Therefore, making yourself presentable can make it easier for your true love to find you. First, you have to look and smell clean. Next, accentuate your assets or the best parts of your body or face. Then, be creative in improving or at least accepting your flaws (in contrast to hiding them).

4. Find out what you really want in a partner.

Creating a list of the traits that you want your true love to possess will help you assess what kind of partner would suit you. Just bear in mind that there is a big chance you cannot find them all in one person—because no one is perfect, right?

Photo by 7000920

5. Enlarge your circle of friends and acquaintances.

You get a higher chance of meeting your true love when you constantly meet new people. That is why you need to be more sociable if you are a home buddy. Attend parties thrown by your company or organization. Hang out with your friends as often as possible. Join clubs and organizations too.

6. Be with the right company.

Being at the right place and with the right kind of people will help you meet the right person for you. For this reason, be wise in choosing your circle of friends. Their environment determines the kind of person that surrounds them.

For instance, if you do not like the party-animal kind of partner, then avoid hanging out a lot with party-animal friends. Friends of the same feather flock together, remember?

7. Stop basing your standards on movies or novels.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but true love in real life is not as overwhelming as when a rich guy falls in love with a poor girl in movies or novels. Real persons in the real world are less grand than main characters in fiction. Therefore, you should stop setting standards that are too good to be true.

8. Do not focus on physical appearance.

Pure love is unconditional. That means you do not base it on how good-looking a person is. Do not look for a handsome or beautiful face—it is just a bonus. Instead, look for a person with whom you can be comfortable and secure sharing life. Personality, character, and values should be your primary concern.

9. Find a person whose personality complements yours.

If partners have clashing personalities, the relationship could end because of ‘irreconcilable differences’. Therefore, it is best if your future partner has a personality that matches well with yours. Your personality should be balanced.

What the other has should supplements what the partner lacks. For example, one of the couples may have brilliant business ideas, but s/he lacks the willpower to take action. His/her partner should have the determination and capabilities to turn those ideas into real business ventures.

10. Look for a person whose set of priorities is the same as yours.

Aside from personality, priorities can also affect a relationship. If the couple does not share the same perception about what goes first, it could create a big problem. For instance, a husband may put family as first on his priority list, but if the wife is more of a career person, they could have difficulty understanding each other.

11. Find someone who respects you.

It is not enough that a person makes you smile and feel loved. Look for a person who knows how to respect individuals regardless of their age, status, or relationship with him/her. Why is this important? A person who is sensitive to the rights and feelings of others is more likely to be selfless. That means s/he would be careful not to do anything that could hurt you. You are secure with this person.

Photo by 7000920

12. Consider the judgment of your family or friends.

Before jumping into a relationship, it is better if you will introduce the person to your family and friends. The problem when you are in love is you are head over heels. You cannot think straight. For this reason, let the people close to you give you the pieces of their mind.

If your family or friends do not like the person you like, then you have to ask why. Try to see the individual from their point of view, and see if from there you are still eager to pursue the budding relationship.

13. Meet their family and friends.

You will only know the person better if they are in their natural habitat. That means when they are surrounded by the people close to them. Take time to meet their family and friends. Observe how they treat them, and vice versa.

If you see a warm and comfortable relationship between the person and their loved ones, it could mean they are good at treating them. If the relationship seems cold and distant, then it is something to think about.

14. Test it with time.

Nothing tests love better than time. After the attraction period, which usually lasts for a year, affection between couples is normally tried by conflicts due to the decreased excitement and show differences. This dilemma could last for up to three years.

In the next years, the relationship could be boring and monotonous, because you have known each other and been together for a long time. That is why many are tempted to look for someone new. If your relationship survives and remains strong after all the years, then it must be real love.

15. Do not let your emotions cloud your decisions.

Like what I mentioned in the previous tip, you cannot think straight when you are in love. Remember, true love is beyond feelings. Do not immediately decide to accept a person into your life. You have to base your decision on many factors. You can refer to the previous tips, and see if the person fits the true love criteria.

Let love find you.

These tips can only help you increase the chance of finding the right person for you. However, there is no formula that can create true love. It just happens beyond conscious effort, and if handled well, it will surely last.

Do not try too hard on finding your true love. Let love find you, instead. And while waiting for it to arrive, focus on loving yourself.

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