How to forget something

How to Purposefully Forget Things

This article was co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD. Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

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Some memories can be so painful that you just want to forget them. While it is not possible to erase memories from your mind, there are strategies that you can use to make a memory less prominent. You can also do things to change the way a memory makes you feel and to replace unpleasant memories with new pleasant ones. Keep in mind that it is not always possible to forget a memory, so you may want to consider talking to a therapist if unpleasant memories are interfering with your life.

How to Forget Someone

This article was co-authored by Julia Yacoob, PhD. Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

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We’ve all been there: even though you parted ways with someone, it feels like the person is still haunting your mind. When you break up with someone or end a friendship, it can take months or even years to get the person out of your head. If you don’t take action to replace those thoughts with something positive, memories and «what ifs» will run circles in your mind without stopping. By letting go of the past, changing the way you think and making new memories, you can forget the person who is causing you to feel empty, sad or angry. See Step 1 to start forgetting.

How to Forget Things On Purpose

Shaheen Lakhan, MD, PhD, is an award-winning physician-scientist and clinical development specialist.

Verywell / Laura Porter

There are many reasons you might want to forget a memory. Some memories can make you cringe with embarrassment, while others may be more distressing or traumatic. Maybe you just don’t want to be reminded of certain people or things from the past as you go about your day.

For some, memories fade away with time. However, especially if you have an anxiety condition such as social anxiety disorder (SAD) or a trauma-related disorder such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it may feel like you’re constantly reliving moments from the past that you’d rather forget. For some, the sudden reappearance of certain memories can be deeply disturbing or even debilitating.

This article discusses some of the steps you can take if you want to forget a memory—or lessen its impact, at least.

How Does Memory Work?

The basic functions of memory are encoding, storing, and retrieving. Encoding is the process of learning information. Then, our brain stores information, either in short-term memory or long-term memory.

While short-term memories don’t last long in the brain, some are passed along to our long-term memory, where there is limitless space. Retrieval is the process of recalling our memories. Sights and sounds in our environment can trigger our brain to retrieve a long-term memory, even if we’d rather not remember it.

While we tend to forget mundane information, our brains are more likely to store information that is attached to strong emotions. For instance, a series of studies found that participants were more likely to recall information that was tied to either negative or positive emotions better than they were able to recall neutral information.

Shaheen Lakhan, MD, PhD, FAAN, board-certified neurologist and member of the Verywell Mind Review Board, explains that forgetting a memory has more to do with processing the emotions attached to the memory.

Shaheen Lakhan, MD, PhD, FAAN

Many techniques to ‘forget a bad memory’ stem from gradually disassociating the memory from its negative emotional basis.

Researchers have long been seeking ways to help people intentionally forget. While it is not likely that you’ll be able to remove unwanted memories from your brain, you can employ strategies to prevent the memory from disrupting your life.

How to Forget Things on Purpose

There are steps that you can take to lessen a memory’s emotional impact and make it less intrusive. Remember that it takes time and practice to fade a memory, so don’t become discouraged if it doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like.

Coping With Unwanted Memories

As you follow the steps to forget a memory, it’s helpful to delve deeper into the work behind forgetting. There are practical tips you can follow that make your unwanted memories feel less intimidating and much more manageable.

Address Memory Triggers

Does the unwanted memory tend to crop up in specific situations? Or are there certain things, people, or settings that remind you of this memory?

Once you understand when the memory comes up most often, you can start taking steps to address the issue. While it might be tempting to simply try to avoid those triggers, finding realistic ways to cope when you are faced with your triggers is often a more effective and realistic solution in the long run.

Social Triggers and SAD

Letting go of memories can be difficult for many people, but it can be particularly challenging for people with social anxiety. It may feel as though you’ve built up a «memory bank» filled with all of the social situations you remember as being shameful and embarrassing.

Use Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of therapy that works to change the negative thoughts that contribute to psychological problems. You can utilize some of the strategies used in CBT on your own to help change how your respond to your memories.

One form of CBT known as exposure therapy can be particularly effective when you are dealing with a memory. The idea behind exposure therapy is to gradually and progressively expose yourself to the thing that you fear.

For example, if you have a memory of being bitten by a dog as a child, you may have developed a fear of dogs. By gradually exposing yourself to dogs in a safe and controlled manner, the memory that triggered your fear will gradually become more bearable.

Utilize Relaxation Techniques

Using relaxation techniques can be another effective tactic that can help reduce the negative impact of memories. Such techniques may include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, and guided imagery.

Pairing these strategies with gradual exposure to your triggers can also help you learn new ways to calm yourself in response to those memories.

Practice Mindfulness

You could also try to practice mindfulness when memories come back to you. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment without worrying about the past or future.

Instead of allowing yourself to become engrossed in the memory, try bringing your attention to something in the present moment such as a sight or smell. Grounding yourself in the present moment can take your focus off of the memory and minimize its effects on your emotions.

Try Self-Acceptance

Perfectionism can sometimes make memories seem more distressing. If you have a need to always be seen as perfect, the memories of past mistakes can make it difficult to move forward.

If your memories center around times you have made mistakes, try making mistakes and doing things wrong on purpose. In time, if you are out there seeking to embarrass yourself, memories of those situations will have a different flavor.

Tell yourself that you deserve acceptance now, at the moment, rather than at some future time when you have become the «perfect» person. Practicing self-acceptance can help blunt the impact of those memories.

Develop Other Coping Strategies

When past experiences contribute to feelings of anxiety, it makes sense that the elimination of memories of these events would help to lessen your symptoms.

If you tend to have flashbacks or «cringe attacks» about shameful situations from the past, it may be helpful to keep a journal in which you record happy or positive events as well. Anytime you remember a negative memory, try to follow it up with a positive one.

In response to flashbacks, you could also have a few phrases that you repeat to yourself, such as «that event does not define me.» Reminding yourself that your bad memories don’t control or define who you are now can help reduce their power.

Above all else, don’t use negative strategies to forget bad memories, such as using drugs or alcohol.

Why Emotional Memories Are Hard to Forget

Emotional memories are often difficult to forget because of the involvement of an area of the brain that plays an important role in controlling behaviors that are important to your survival, including feelings of fear.

Emotional memories are more memorable because of a structure in the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala plays an important role in how emotions and memories are processed and encoded. Research suggests that different parts of the amygdala are responsible for positive and negative memories.

Memories tend to be more memorable because when they are accompanied by intense emotions. Research suggests that the more intense the memory is, the more vivid the resulting memory of that event will be.

While being able to remember feelings of fear can be adaptive in some cases, it can become a problem when it leads to lingering memories that make it difficult to function in normal everyday life.

While letting go of old associations can be difficult, learning new ways to control these memories can help you feel less distressed when they come to mind.

Impact of a Negative Memory

Negative memories can impact behavior in a variety of ways. Sometimes you might go out of your way to avoid situations that might trigger a negative memory. In other cases, you might experience full-blown flashbacks where you feel as if you are re-living a traumatic event.

Some other ways that a bad memory might affect how your feel, think, or behave include:

When to Get Help

While there are a number of things you can do to help forget a memory or lessen its impact, there are times when you should consider seeking professional help. If memories are contributing to other symptoms such as depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or feelings of panic, you should talk to your doctor.

A health professional can make a diagnosis based on your symptoms and recommend treatments that can help. They may recommend psychotherapy to help you learn new ways to cope with your memories. They may also prescribe medications that can help you manage associated symptoms of anxiety and depression, if appropriate.

New treatments for memory problems may also be on the horizon. Research has shown that a brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) gene variation is related to fear generation. BDNF gene therapy could be used in the future, by altering genes that contribute to fear and anxiety.

In the same way, the Tac2 gene pathway has been shown to reduce the storage of traumatic memories. As a result, a medication that blocks the activity of this pathway could prevent the storage of traumatic memories in the first place.

While this approach would be most useful for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this type of research may also eventually inform negative memories in SAD.

Recap

You can’t erase a bad memory, but you can learn new coping strategies that will lessen its power. Talk to your healthcare provider if bad memories are affecting your ability to cope.

A Word From Verywell

Thinking back on the past is normal, but when memories disrupt your everyday life, it can impact your mental health. If you notice your unwanted memories are becoming more frequent and unmanageable, consider consulting with your doctor. In particular, meeting with a therapist who specializes in CBT may be helpful to generate strategies to better cope with unwanted memories.

Is It Possible?: How To Make Someone Forget Something Instantly

Sometimes we slip up and say or do something that we wish could be forgotten. We immediately regret it and want to take it back, but the damage is done. For what seems like ages, we agonize over what happened and try to do anything we can to fix it or make them forget it.

Although you can’t entirely erase a person’s memory, you may be able to distract them from the event and interfere with their ability to hold on to that memory, preventing it from becoming an issue. Trying to distract someone or get in the way of retaining the memory will not completely remove bad memories, but could help you and the person you hurt or offended move forward.

People tend to hold on to hurtful or negative memories more tightly than pleasant ones. It’s unfortunate, but it is our way of avoiding being hurt again in the future. Whether you want someone to forget a negative or positive event, you can use these tips for how to give someone a gentle nudge on the path to forgetting.

How To Make Someone Forget Something Positive

While you may not necessarily feel that you have done something wrong, you may still have your reasons for wanting to make someone forget something you did or said. You may want to make someone forget about an exciting event that is coming up. Perhaps you have a surprise for them, and you want to make them stop thinking about the special day.

One of the most effective things to do is clear away any visual reminders of the event. Don’t write it on a shared calendar, and put away objects that are related to the occasion.

The other person may still be thinking about the upcoming date, depending on how excited they are. If they bring it up to you, you will need to switch topics without making it obvious that you are avoiding the subject. Here are some tips:

How To Make Someone Forget Something Negative

Just like making someone forget a positive event, making them forget a negative one is also about distraction. The best thing you can do is to attempt to make the unpleasant memory less prominent in their mind by changing the focus to more pleasant topics. For instance, if you hurt someone’s feelings, you can make an extra effort to do something nice for them to get them thinking less of the negative memory of you. Although this is not necessarily the best strategy to remedy the issue, it can help ease some of the pain associated with the painful memory you left behind.

The longer you replace that negative memory with more and more positive ones, the more the bad memory should fade. You can use these tips to help the hurtful memory fade from the other person’s mind:

Sometimes, the person may not be able to forget. They may hang onto what you said or did (or didn’t do), and you fear that you’ll never move past it and get your friendship or relationship back on track. If you find that this is the case, here are a few more tips to help you amend the situation:

If this isn’t the case, it could be time to ask someone for help—someone impartial, who can offer you a different perspective regarding what is going on or provide some fresh ideas as to how to keep communication alive, and salvage relationships beset by trouble and resentment. As difficult as it may be to admit, being the source of extremely positive feelings and extremely negative feelings can have a lasting impact, even if you did not intend to do so. The good news is that you can get help, learn to forgive yourself, and rebuild your relationship with the other person by talking to a professional therapist. Online therapy is a great way to work on your interpersonal relationships. With the help of a therapist, you may learn to let go of past hurts, forgive others, and forgive yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

Can You Erase A Memory?

Not exactly. There are many things you can do—medically reviewed and substantiated things—to improve emotional reactions and ties to memories. Far from suppressing memories, these methods intend to improve emotional responses to memories, and thereby ease some of the pain, fear, and anxiety surrounding them. Behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and other forms of trauma and cognitive therapy can help ease some of the negative experiences associated with long-term memory banks teeming with trauma, pain, and anxiety, which may be just as good as erasing a memory.

How Do You Get Rid Of A Bad Memory?

If you’ve held onto a bad memory for a long time, life can feel helpless. Whether the memory in question is simply unpleasant, or is a manifestation of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), there are numerous medically reviewed and approved ways to work through bad memories, and improve general health (both in the short-term and long-term outlooks). Although an article online cannot provide medical advice, mental health professionals can, and many mental health professionals support and encourage the use of exposure therapy as a method of improving symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

How Do You Help Someone Forget Bad Memories?

There are no medically reviewed and supported ways to help someone forget bad memories; instead, the medical response to conditions such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) centers around therapy designed to improve coping skills, work through existing traumatic memories, and learn how to integrate traumatic memories into your own existing memory banks. Traumatic memories can interrupt the natural process of encoding memories, and can make trauma stand out and cause overwhelming symptoms, such as hypervigilance or hyperarousal, intrusive thoughts, and mental or behavioral changes. Exposure therapy is just one medically reviewed trauma therapy used to improve symptoms of PTSD and other mental illnesses and disorders borne of trauma.

Although therapy cannot help someone forget bad memories, it can do a lot to help people live with the memories they have, while easing symptoms PTSD, anxiety, and depression. If you forgot unwanted memories, you would still have residual feelings and experiences in their absence; the purpose and goal of healing is not to forget the memories, but to learn how to live with and work through the emotional upset, fear, and overwhelm they bring.

How Can I Forget Something Quickly?

While you cannot forget something quickly (though most people do forget things slowly, over time), you can take steps to manage your memories and the sensations they bring with them. From your doctor’s advice to Healthline media articles, to related articles on mental health and general wellness, the consensus is clear: forgetting is not the same as healing, and the path to healing involves sorting through symptoms, causes, and reactions, and finding healthy ways to cope with the cards that have been dealt.

It may be tempting to try to forget experiences, whether they are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things—mispronouncing a word in a business meeting, for instance—or enormous, no matter the scope of things—suffering abuse from a loved one, perhaps—but mental trauma has a function, and it lets you know what in your brain continues to stand out, and what continues to cause suffering, pain, and distortion. Forgetting the memory cannot bring healing, but learning how to cope with the consequences of the memory can.

How Do You Forget Something That Is Bothering You?

While intentionally forgetting bad memories or unpleasant conversations might seem like a superb skill to have, there is not a medically reviewed, psychologically acknowledged means of doing so. Although one study suggested that actively trying to push away the minutiae of the memory (the smells around you at that moment, for instance, or the sounds accompanying the memory) was effective in erasing words the study participants had just been exposed to, this did not identify whether or not emotionally-charged memories were just as easily forgotten—a distinction that could matter a great deal in determining how easy something actually is to forget.

Although you may not be able to effectively forget a bad memory on purpose, there are plenty of things you can do to ease anxiety (medically reviewed and supported methods, mind) associated with a particular memory, and there are numerous ways to redirect your focus, in favor of something more logical, productive, or pleasant. These methods will not effectively remove memories, but they may help you stop thinking about it or obsessing over it.

The first method to try to “forget” something that is bothering you is distraction. If you were recently turned down by a romantic interest and you cannot seem to stop thinking about the moment they said “no,” try distracting yourself with something else. Think about the time a romantic interest said “yes,” or think about the first animal you had growing up, and hold tightly to the feeling of joy you felt in those moments. This can help ease some of the pain of the new memory.

If that doesn’t work, you can actually allow your brain to wander directly into the memory you are struggling to avoid; although it may seem counterintuitive, it can actually make your brain focus more on a memory if you are actively trying to banish it. Letting the memory come to mind, and breathing deeply and letting yourself feel sad, embarrassed, horrified, or stressed while you breathe and ground yourself using your five senses can help essentially integrate the memory, so it is no longer sticking out like a sore thumb, and continually leaping to the front of your mind. This is a form of exposure therapy, but can be helpful in alleviating some of the more intense symptoms of recalling bad memories.

How Can I Forget My Past Trauma?

While it may be tempting to forget traumatic memories—or even just bad memories—there are no legitimately, medically reviewed methods to effectively purge negative or traumatic memories from an individual’s mind. That is not to say there is no hope for people with PTSD, or people who have experienced other types of traumatic situations or who harbor other types of traumatic memories. Rather than forgetting traumatic memories, the goal in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) treatment and other trauma treatment programs is to work though the source of the trauma, soothe the trauma response, and create healthier ways of coping while healing existing trauma. This can be done in a myriad of ways, ranging from exposure therapy, to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), both medically reviewed and useful forms of treatment.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and corresponding traumatic memories can take a powerful toll on an individual’s life, and the desire to simply erase those memories is legitimately strong. However, because there is no real way to simply erase memories and the associated trauma, the only way to work through PTSD is to train your brain to heal itself, potentially using medication and other therapeutic interventions along the way, while actively working to address the source of trauma and implementing healthier, more consistent coping skills.

Working with a therapist who is well-versed in trauma therapy, or who has worked with a specific situation before (complex PTSD, for instance, or spousal abuse) can help ease some of the fears associated with working through trauma, as these individuals may have a track record you are able to look over, in order to see that others have found help and healed (or at least effectively managed) the symptoms and side effects of having experienced or having been exposed to trauma.

How Can I Clear My Mind Of Unwanted Thoughts?

Clearing your mind of unwanted thoughts has something of an unconventional journey. Rather than focusing your attention and energy on getting rid of unwanted thoughts (which can make them far more persistent), many people encourage you to actually allow your thoughts to come along unimpeded, and allow yourself to feel the sensations they create, without fear, judgment, or the immediate urge to “fix” the problem. Doing so in a safe, controlled environment can help you realize that the thoughts cannot actually do you any harm; they are only thoughts. Whether you read an article on mindfulness from Healthline media to help you on your way, or you learn how to ground yourself with mindfulness techniques with a mental health professional, learning how to recognize your thoughts for what they are is a vital skill in clearing your mind of unwanted thoughts. When you no longer fight the thoughts and resist them, you realize that they do not control you, and you have the ability to move on.

Of course, there are some factors that can prohibit this. Mental disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder might make simply allowing thoughts to come and go difficult (or it may even feel impossible), and may require more substantial intervention. If thoughts persistently overwhelm and overtake you, clearing your mind of unwanted thoughts may be on the other side of targeted mental health intervention and treatment.

Can Doctors Erase Your Memory?

Although it would likely garner a great deal of attention and acclaim, apart from performing ill-advised and illegal surgery, doctors are not equipped with protocols designed to erase memory. Made popular by movies such as “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” the notion of being able to erase bad memories, or get rid of unwanted memories holds a lot of interest for people; after all, memories can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and a single bad experience can come back to haunt you for years. Nevertheless, it is not possible to simply remove a painful memory, or traumatic event.

That being said, there are instances in which the brain is guilty of suppressing memories. People with PTSD, for instance, might have essentially blocked out painful memories or memories of trauma, but this is a protective mechanism, and is not a willful occurrence. Pot Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a legitimate mental disorder, medically reviewed and recognized. Rather than erasing a painful memory, people with PTSD experience generalized memory loss, and may find themselves not only unable to recall traumatic memories (or recall them in only small, erratic bits and pieces), but also unable to recall unrelated memories. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can even cause difficulty with new memories, as the brain’s processing faculties are not functioning properly, and fragmenting memories, bringing painful memories to the fore without warning.

How To Make Someone Forget Something

There are times in life where we say or do the wrong thing and wish it had never been. We regret what was said and want to take it back. Still, the damage is generally done. And when this happens, we all think about it far too much and agonize over what was said or done.

We wish those things that we told people would instantly disappear from existence. But what if there were ways to make those people forget what was just said? There are plenty of success stories out there where someone managed to make a person forget something instantly.

Then again, some success stories hide some of the unpleasant details. These stories all succeed in making it seem like the entire process was seamless, and no damage was done. These stories hide the realities of situations like this, making these stories into something that they really are not.

And the deception isn’t like one of those “agree to our cookie” settings that you see on a website. No, these are reader stories that are presented as success stories. This gives a false representation of these situations where something is said or done that causes damage to a relationship.

So, instead of running an essential deception – like those “agree to our cookie” sites – what if reader stories were actually success stories that clarified the repercussions that can still be felt? What if they were honest stories of success in making someone forget something instead of making it seem like a magic trick?

After all, it is not about making someone forget for our own benefit; it is about taking that negative memory and replacing it with a more pleasant one. After all, we tend to hold on to those negative or hurtful memories far longer than we do the pleasant ones. It is our nature.

So, how can you turn a negative situation into a positive one and make someone forget something? Here are a few helpful tips.

How to Make Someone Forget About Something

When we figuratively put our foot in our mouths, we want a distraction to take away the embarrassment or regret of the situation. Thankfully, a distraction is what is needed to make someone forget what just happened.

Keep in mind that you’re unlikely to make them completely forget about what just happened. The goal here is to lessen the blow, to make that memoryless unpleasant, and less prominent so that they won’t think back to it frequently.

There are plenty of situations where stories hide reader feedback that isn’t positive to make them look like stories. And some success stories hide success if the stories people told didn’t hit the exact narrative they wanted. You need stories that will help you, not ones that fit that narrative.

In situations where feelings are hurt, doing something extra nice can be beneficial. It acts as an apology and can help soften the memory to be less negative when they think back on it. Plus, you can make someone forget about something over time. Whenever that memory comes up, doing something nice can help to erode the negativity of that memory slowly. If you want to avoid professional assistance like that offered by ReGain, there are a few things to try.

Try removing any objects or reminders of the unpleasant topic. If there are reminders in the periphery, that person will likely recall that negative memory on a far more frequent basis. They may never forget that negative experience, but it may not hold in their consciousness so firmly.

Perhaps try to remind that person of a more enjoyable part of the memory or try to analyze the situation to lessen its impact. If you can get them to associate that memory with something more positive, it can either flip the situation or get them to forget that memory.

But in most cases, the person won’t forget. For better or worse, they will hang on to the situation, analyzing what you did or didn’t do and how you could have acted differently. This can really hinder a relationship and make it a focus that never shifts.

When this happens, you need to apologize. Don’t let it fester and build. Sure, an apology won’t make that incident go away, but it will show that person that you did not mean to hurt them intentionally. While the negativity of the experience may persist, it can be lessened if the person knows that there were not negative intentions behind it.

If you express that you are truly, genuinely sorry, that person will likely understand that it wasn’t anything more than a mistake. Just knowing that wrong-doing intention can be enough for the person to move forward, putting that negative experience behind them.

You can also try to explain yourself. We know our thoughts and intentions; how we present them makes it have a potentially negative impact. Let that person know why you said what you said or did what you did. It may not make the situation go away, but they may better understand why it happened. That alone can provide the necessary understanding to move forward.

If all else fails, try to move on from the subject. That person might still be furious about what happened and not willing to listen to an apology or an excuse. And that is fine; we can’t tell someone else how to feel about something.

Try to give them some space and approach the subject later. Pushing the subject can put additional strain on the relationship, potentially fracturing it further. After some time, it may be okay to approach the subject further and try to reconcile the situation if possible.

Making Someone Forget About Positive Things

Believe it or not, there is a use for this. Not all situations are negative and require a magic trick to make that person forget. Let’s say that something is exciting coming up. Maybe a person is making plans for their birthday, but you have a surprise in store.

To keep that surprise intact, you need to get that person to forget about the thing they are excited about. Maybe they are really excited about that special date, and you need them not to be so excited to preserve your surprise.

There are basic things that can be done. They might bring that date up to you, and you can try to change the subject. Perhaps you can subtly take away reminders of the upcoming event, like a note on a calendar or objects relating to the event, so that it can slip out of their immediate consciousness.

But what about when they bring it up to you? You will have to switch the topic of conversation but have to do so in a way that isn’t obvious. If you are in a group, join others in the conversation. When others are talking about something, the topic will more than likely veer from the original topic.

If you are in a one-on-one situation, try excusing yourself. It can be as simple as saying you need to use the restroom. Give it a few minutes before coming back. When you return, start a new topic. When the conversation is paused, it makes it far easier to change the topic entirely than it would right in the middle of a conversation.

Another trick for changing the topic without making it sound obvious is choosing a close topic to what you’re talking about. Maybe take a small detail from something they said and try to tie it into a different point, topic, or story.

Try changing locations. This can be difficult to do subtly, but moving to a different space can distract the topic at hand. It can also offer a potential opening to change the topic entirely. Again, it is easier to change the topic if you are not right in the middle of a discussion with someone.

Lastly, be honest. There will be instances where you can’t dodge the conversation regarding that event or situation. When this happens, ask politely to move on to something else. You don’t have to divulge that you have a surprise planned, but let them know that there are things that you want to keep to yourself so that both parties can continue to enjoy the excitement and anticipation that day offers.

We are only human. We say things that upset others, even if we don’t mean to do so. Understanding these situations and working to rectify them is the best that we can do. There is no universal solution, and you may not be able to fix the situation entirely.

But making an effort to find a solution can be enough to allow for reconciliation and moving forward. And so long as the relationship is saved and you can get back on good terms, that is all that matters in the end.

It would be great to make someone magically forget an unpleasant situation forever, but that isn’t likely to happen. Soften the blow as best you can and work to make it something they won’t harp on for the rest of their lives.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Can you erase someone’s memory?

No, you can’t completely erase someone’s memory. Even when doctors perform procedures that sometimes cause memory problems, no one can guess which memories will be diminished. So, if you want someone to forget the words you said or kindly want them to forget unwanted memories, it’s very unlikely you will succeed completely.

However, there are some things you can do to minimize the things that are harder to forget. First, allow them to express their feelings. After all, trying to forget traumatic words and incidents that you haven’t acknowledged can magnify their importance. Even if they seem to forget the memories of unresolved emotions, the memories will likely be repressed and may lead to anxiety, depression, or other mental health problems.

Then, once they acknowledge their feelings and learn how to manage them, you can use tactics like shifting the subject or making it up to them with kind words and actions. They probably won’t forget the memory altogether, but it may diminish to the point that it doesn’t affect them or your relationship much anymore.

Is it possible to purposely forget something?

Intentionally forgetting rarely, especially when the memory to be forgotten is emotional memory. That’s because if you try to forget things on purpose, your mind will be focused on the memory as you’re trying to forget it. One study compared subjects being asked to forget neutral memories with subjects being asked to forget emotional memories. The results showed that the emotional content seemed to “short-circuit” the intentional forgetting process. For example, if someone told you about something boring that didn’t apply to your life in any way, you might have no problems trying to forget the words. But to forget the words that someone said to you in a hurtful way might be much less likely.

Yet, there are things you can do to redirect your thinking from these traumatic or negative incidents. If you want to forget traumatic things, you need to start by addressing them directly. Then, once you’ve come to terms with any pain and loss associated with the event or words, you can begin to explore means of getting your mind on other things.

One technique is to stop yourself from thinking about the incident repeatedly. When the thought comes up, say in your mind, “Stop!” Some people suggest saying, “Cancel! Cancel!” Anything you can do to halt that train of thought and stop thinking about it might work. Then, have a positive thought ready to replace it with. Some people memorize a verse of scripture or a famous quote, and they use those words to replace the negative thought.

If you need to learn more ways to set negative thoughts aside, a therapist can teach you many techniques for managing your thoughts more effectively. If you asked to forget something, your therapist would likely explain that it’s not going to happen. However, they can help you diminish those memories and move on to more positive memories and thoughts.

How long does it take for someone to forget something?

Someone can forget the words you said to them almost immediately. That usually happens when they weren’t paying much attention to you or didn’t have any interest in what you had to say. Then, when they are asked to remember, they have little or no idea of what you were talking about. But if they were fully present with you and focused on what you said, it’s much less likely that they would forget the words you said. If they were asked to remember, they would easily repeat your meaning, if not your exact words.

Forgetting something over time is another story. Usually, long-term remembering happens because something refreshes your memory again and again. Maybe someone brings up the subject often. Or you are troubled by upsetting emotions about it. Perhaps you aren’t moving on with your life, so you stay focused on the past. In all these cases, you aren’t likely to forget. However, if the opposite is true – that no one brings up the subject, you have no emotional reaction to it, and you’re moving on with your life, the memory can fade much more quickly.

How can you make someone forget the past?

While you probably can’t make someone forget the past, there are things you can do to soften the memory and make it less significant for them. Start right now by making better choices about the way you treat them and talk to them. Be kind, gentle, and considerate whenever you interact with them. Do something for them that is so special that they will appreciate it and never forget it. Be your best self when you’re with them, and you will make new memories that will supersede the old, painful ones.

Do we block out bad memories?

Yes, sometimes our minds work to forget traumatic memories. This is a protective function of our brains that keeps us from psychological harm during times of stress. However, a time will come when you need to deal with those memories. After the intense situation is over and you are beginning to heal, you will need to remember what happened so you can experience, accept, and express your emotions about it. This is a situation in which a therapist can help you immensely. You will be asked to remember these traumatic events, and your therapist will support you and guide you as you learn to understand and deal with what happened. Only then can your healing be complete.

How do I know if I have repressed memories?

There could be several signs that you have repressed memories, such as:

Is it possible to not remember a traumatic event?

Some experts believe that you can forget a traumatic event without repressing it. There may be no definitive proof to show whether you repressed it, intentionally buried the memory, or simply forgot it. The most important thing to remember is that any time you have emotional problems you need to address, it may be helpful to explore the possibility of things that happened in your past, whether you remember them easily or need some help doing so.