How to get along with classmates

A Beginner’s Guide to Getting Along With Your Roommate

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Unless you attended Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, or shared a room with a sibling growing up, college is probably the first time you’ve ever had a roommate. Whether you’re literally sharing a bedroom with another person, or just sharing an apartment, living with a roommate is a whole new world compared to living with your parents.

And, really, it’s not something anyone ever talks about until you get to college. Sure, there’s the odd glimpse in college movies or maybe a weird story from one of your parents, but nothing can truly prepare you for the experience of coexisting in close quarters with someone who’s quite possibly a complete stranger.

I can’t pretend I can take the mystery and uncertainty out of the roommate experience. But after living with roommates for three years of college, I can tell you what did (and didn’t) work for me.

My hope is that by the end of this article you’ll have a better idea of how to, at the very least, get along with your college roommate. Even if they’re a total rando. Who doesn’t shower for weeks. And leaves anchovy/pineapple pizza under the couch cushions (may or may not have happened to me).

So find a comfy spot somewhere your current roommate isn’t reading over your shoulder, and let’s get started!

How NOT to Pick a Roommate

Assuming that you can choose your roommate (which isn’t always the case your first year of college), I really have only one tip: Don’t room with your best friend from high school.

Living with your best friend sounds like a dream come true. But much like moving in with a romantic partner, living together can reveal some, well, less savory aspects of people’s personalities. And personal hygiene.

I’m not saying that rooming with your best friend will be a disaster, but often it can put a strain on the relationship at the very least. To paraphrase a popular joke about marriage, rooming with your best friend is like a month-long sleepover.

So although your friend’s messiness may never have bothered you when you spent the night at their house every couple of weeks, now it’s right there in your personal space. And the fact that they stay up till 4 am every night chatting with their significant other on Skype–that’s suddenly very relevant to your sleep schedule.

All this is to say, if you want to room with your best friend, hold off for at least your first year of college. Living with your friends can be great, but I’ve also seen it destroy friendships. Don’t let that happen to you.

How to Get Along with Your Roommate (Random or Otherwise)

Throughout my time in college, I lived with two random roommates, as well as a couple others that I barely knew. So I learned a lot about how (and how not) to live harmoniously in small spaces with strangers. Here are my most important takeaways:

1. Make a roommate agreement

Repeat after me: always make a roommate agreement. Even if things seem great now. Even if you’re BFFs. Because as fallible, illogical humans, it’s inevitable that some kind of disagreement will arise. And the moment you have a disagreement is the worst time to decide to draw up some house rules.

Now, a roommate agreement doesn’t have to be a formal, notarized, watermarked document. It doesn’t have to be long, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. All it needs to include are a few standards the two of you agree to abide by, as well as the procedure for handling disagreements or violations of the standards.

That second part is the key. Don’t just make a list of what you should and shouldn’t do–make a plan for what you’ll do when things go wrong.

Here’s an example:

2. Inform each other of overnight guests.

3. Take turns taking out trash when it’s full.

4. When conflicts arise, we will first talk about them with each other. If that doesn’t work, then we’ll ask for the help of our RA to mediate..

5. We’ll be open, honest, and polite when the other person does something that bothers us.

YOUR ROOMMATE’S NAME

Your RA will probably have some kind of template you can use for this, and there are of course dozens floating around online. Above all, what matters is that you make the agreement.

Ignore this tip at your own peril.

2. Treat it like a business partnership

In the same vein as making a roommate agreement, be realistic about the roommate experience. Despite what you see in movies, there’s no need for the two of you to be best friends or hang out a bunch (although having dinner together every so often can be good for keeping open communication).

Having a roommate is, at the end of the day, a way to make efficient use of limited living space while also saving money for both of you. It is, in essence, a business arrangement. As long as the two of you respect each other and live together pleasantly, that’s all you need.

3. Be aware

If you’ve never lived with someone before, it’s easy to take for granted that yours is the only way of doing things.

Your different lifestyle, however, could be a source of potential discomfort or annoyance for your roommate. Because of this, it’s important to remain aware of how your actions might affect your roommate. In practice, this is pretty simple stuff.

For example, if your roommate is trying to study, don’t blast heavy metal. If you come back and find them asleep, don’t turn on all the lights. Simple stuff, but it goes a long way towards getting along.

4. Practice empathy

It’s easy to get mad at your roommate and think that they’re some kind of villain put in your life to torture you. But no matter how incompatible the two of you are, no matter how much you may disagree, remember that your roommate is still a person with feelings, hopes, and dreams.

Practice empathy, and recognize that from their perspective you’re the one who’s in the wrong (which, in many cases, you probably are, at least partially).

Here’s a quick primer on empathy from Brené Brown:

5. Address disagreements openly and respectfully

Honest communication is built on truth and integrity and upon respect of the one for the other.

Roommate problems are a lot like a cold. If you address it early and give it the attention it deserves, it’s no big deal. But if you ignore it for too long, you could end up with bronchitis or even in the hospital.

The keys to resolving disagreements with your roommate are respect and open communication.

The respect part is especially key. Respect means being honest without being a dick. It’s the difference between “Hey, can you get your stupid dirty underwear off the floor?” and “I know you’re really busy with class and school, but you keep leaving your underwear in the middle of the floor. Could you find a different place for it?”

(Tone is also really key here. The second statement can still come off the wrong way if you say it sarcastically).

And if your roommate doesn’t understand your request, don’t get mad. Just explain how you feel.

Obviously, this goes both ways. Don’t brush off anything that your roommate brings up. In essence, follow the Golden Rule.

6. Appeal to a third party when necessary

If you and your roommate can’t work out a disagreement, don’t be afraid to go to your RA (or, if you live in an apartment, a trusted impartial third party). Sometimes it can be tough to work out a sensitive issue together, and these are cases when having an impartial mediator to hear both sides of the argument can make a world of difference.

Again, there’s a right and a wrong way to do this. Your RA is not the police or the teacher watching the playground. Don’t go to them for every single little problem that comes up.

And if you do have to approach them, don’t accuse anybody of anything. Just explain your problem as objectively as you can and listen to their advice. They (hopefully) have training in how to mediate conflicts, so be sure to actually let them help you.

7. Treat it as a learning experience

Some of the most important learning that you’ll do in college happens outside the classroom. College is kind of like practice for being an adult but with a large support system and safety net. And one of the most valuable skills you can learn is how to get along with other people, especially people who are very different.

Your roommate experience, for better or worse, is a chance to learn about conflict resolution, empathy, and how to have a sense of humor when life gets weird or unpleasant. This is a tricky thing to do in the moment, but it’s key to making your life a lot less stressful.

Having a roommate in college is inevitable for most people. I hope this article has given you a better idea of how to get along with your roommate, as well as some perspective on what a healthy roommate relationship should look like.

That being said, my roommate advice is heavily rooted in my own experience at a small, private liberal arts college in the Midwestern U.S.

To get some perspective on what things are like at a larger university, have a listen to the CIG Podcast episode How to Live With Roommates Without Losing Your Mind. And for more tips about how to live on your own, read this next.

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How To Get Along With Others (With Practical Examples)

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“I don’t know how to get along with people. When I try to talk to others, the conversation never goes anywhere. I can’t turn superficial interactions into meaningful connections. I’d like to know how to be better with people, but I have no idea where to start.”

Connection with others is essential, but what do we do when we don’t get along with people? It can be hard to know how to get along well with others without feeling like we’re wearing a mask or losing our sense of identity.

How do you get along well with others?

When you show people that you like them and are willing to listen, they will be more inclined to like you in return. Take a genuine interest in others and try to see the best in everyone.

Can you get along with everyone?

You can learn to get along with most people, at least on a superficial level. Sadly, some people will be defensive, disagreeable, or take a dislike to you despite your best efforts.

Sections

Reasons why you may be struggling to get along with people

You may have problems getting along with others if you are defensive, easily offended, or argumentative. Another reason could be that you’re trying to relate to people on a practical or logical level when they’re looking for empathy or vice versa.

Being negative

Others may struggle to be around you if they feel that you are draining their energy. Being around someone defensive, angry, or who shares about their problems without listening in return can be very challenging.

Find a therapist from BetterHelp’s network of therapists for your everyday therapy needs.

Take a quiz, get matched, and start getting support via phone or video sessions.

How can you deal with this if you’re depressed or going through a tough time? Sometimes we have to say something like, “I’m going through a tough time,” and let that be enough. In time, we will learn when it’s appropriate to share. Make sure to have several avenues for support (like support groups, therapy, journaling, exercise, and several people in your life you can talk to) so you don’t end up dumping too much on to one person.

Having Aspergers or a mental illness

Mental illness and Aspergers can make it hard to get along well with others. Just talking to someone can be a challenge if you have social anxiety, depression, or another mental illness. Aspergers can also make it difficult to pick up on social cues or imagine what other people are going through or thinking. [1]

There’s also a high comorbidity rate with Aspergers, which means that people with Aspergers are more likely to have another kind of psychiatric disorder like depression. [2]

If you have Aspergers, read our dedicated article about Aspergers and making friends. If you’re struggling with social anxiety, read our article on what to do if your social anxiety is getting worse.

If you want to improve your social skills, self-confidence, and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1-minute quiz.

You’ll get a 100% free custom report with the areas you need to improve.

Not being considerate of others

We like people who like and respect us. For example, when a coworker frequently takes the last piece of cake without checking that others have eaten or makes us wait when we set a time to meet, we may feel that they are selfish and don’t care about getting along with others.

Being on time, sharing your snacks, and giving compliments can go a long way in getting people to like you. Practice generosity without expecting anything in return. Note that this doesn’t mean being taken advantage of or giving people presents so that they will like you. Being generous doesn’t have to cost anything at all. It can be as simple as opening the door for someone, telling them that you like their shirt, or that they did a good job.

Being disagreeable

Agreeability is one of the “Big Five” personality traits that are present from birth. Someone high in agreeableness is generally polite, cooperative, kind, and friendly. Someone low in agreeableness may be more selfish and less altruistic.

However, our agreeableness isn’t set in stone. It changes throughout one’s life; for example, teenagers are generally less agreeable than adults. [3] We are less agreeable when we are tired, hungry, or stressed. And most importantly, we can learn to become more agreeable. Reading fiction books, for example, can help improve empathy and Theory of Mind (the ability to understand that others have beliefs and feelings that are different than our own). [4]

Practical tips for getting along with anyone

1. Recognize your specific issues and triggers

“Not getting along with people” is a broad phrase that can describe many different underlying issues.

Once you’ve identified your specific issue, you can work on it. For example, if you tend to look down on others, you may need to work on becoming more accepting. Or, if your jokes offend people, you may need to learn how and when to use wit.

Journaling can help you reflect on the social interactions you’ve had. Ask yourself some questions:

For example, you may find you get overwhelmed when you’re surrounded by a lot of noise. You can ask people to meet one-on-one in quiet locations or not to place loud music around you.

The better you understand your specific challenges, the better you’ll be at overcoming them. It may help to read social skills books for adults to brush up on social interaction basics.

2. Ask yourself if something needs to be said now

There is a saying that goes, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”

Sometimes when we’re talking to someone, we catch them saying something that isn’t exactly accurate. We then have a choice: we can correct them or let them continue their story.

Other times, we may be trying to start a discussion or debate. We want to provide the other side of what our conversation partner is saying. But they might find our playing “devil’s advocate” inappropriate.

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Take this quiz and see how you can improve your social life

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should betray your ideals or pretend to be someone else to get someone to like you. It’s just about learning the right time and place to share your views.

For example, philosophical discussions may be great when you’re with a group of close friends but perhaps not fitting in the workplace.

3. Work on noticing and “mirroring” others

Mirroring is when we unconsciously mimic the movements and behaviors of others around us. Studies show that this type of mimicry increases the chances people will like each other when they interact. [5]

For example, the person you’re with may be speaking more slowly than you. Fast-paced speech and jumping from topic to topic may make them feel overwhelmed. Speaking at a similar pace can make them feel more comfortable.

Another good rule: when someone smiles at you, smile back.

If you struggle with body language, read our article on how to look more approachable and friendly.

4. Try to be more positive

We would never recommend pretending to be someone else to get someone to like you. But you can naturally increase your positivity, which makes you more pleasant to be around.

A straightforward way to train yourself to be more positive is by writing down three good things that happened each day. Even if you had a terrible day, write down something positive that you did or that happened. It may be that lunch was delicious, the weather was good, or that you did a chore you’ve been struggling with recently. If you do this consistently, you will notice more positive things to remember to write down later.

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What type of social overthinker are you?

5. Pause before responding

Learn to take a moment before you react automatically. When someone says something that upsets you, try taking a deep breath for the count of 4, hold it for the count of 4, and then breathe out for the count of 4.

While you breathe, remind yourself that others’ reactions are often not about you. We tend to take things personally, but this can lead us into trouble. Giving yourself some time before responding can help you decide how you want to act.

6. Don’t gossip about other people

Speaking negatively about people behind their back can make people wonder if you’re doing the same to them. If another person’s name comes up, try to refrain from saying negative about them.

What should you do if someone is gossiping about others to you? Let’s say that you’re talking to a classmate who is talking negatively about another classmate. For example, “I was doing a group project with Maria, and she did nothing. We were at her house, and her room was a complete mess. She’s such a disgusting slob.”

In this situation, try to focus on the feelings of the person who is speaking. You can say, “it’s so frustrating when the work we do feels so unbalanced. I can relate to that.”

Sometimes, you will come across people who are intent on putting you or others down. Try to cut down interactions with them as much as possible. You will free up your time to find kinder people to have in your life.

7. Focus on similarities, not differences

A study on the interactions of more than 1,500 pairs found that similarity made them more likely to interact again. [6]

When you find yourself talking to someone, make it a game to see what you have in common. Perhaps you’re studying completely different things in college but like watching the same TV show to unwind. What values do you share? Perhaps you had the same type of upbringing? Focusing on commonalities makes it easier to bond.

8. Ask questions and listen to the answers

Sometimes when we talk to people, we can get caught up trying to think of what we will say next. The problem is we might miss some of what our conversation partner is saying. We become less attuned to their body language because we are so in our heads.

The next time you talk to someone, practice active listening. Focus on what they are saying. You can show that you’re listening by giving positive signals like nodding or saying “Yeah” as they are speaking. Make sure that they are finished talking before you reply.

To stand out as a great listener, follow up on things they’ve shared with you before. For example:

Them: Hey, how are you doing?

You: I’m pretty good. I just got out of class. How did your test go? You mentioned you were pretty nervous about it.

Consider online therapy

Online therapy allows you to speak to a licensed therapist in the comfort of your home.

Them: I think it went well. I was worried I wouldn’t have time to study, but I got someone to cover my shift. I think it went well.

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If you want to improve your social skills, self-confidence, and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1-minute quiz.

You’ll get a 100% free custom report with the areas you need to improve.

You: That’s great. When are you getting your results back?

9. Work with a therapist or coach

A therapist, counselor, or coach can help you recognize your specific challenges in getting along well with others. They can help you learn new tools and come up with solutions to problems you may be having.

To find a good therapist, ask people you know for recommendations, or try using an online directory like the one on Psychology Today. In your screening call, let the therapist know which issues you’d like to work on. Pay attention to how you feel about the therapist. Sometimes it can take a while to find an available therapist we connect with.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist’s office.

References

David Morin is the founder of SocialSelf. He’s been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

How To Get Along With Your Roommate In College

Posted on April 8, 2016

You’ve started college or university, everything is new and shiny, everything is exciting, you’re going to meet so many new people!

Of course, one of those new people is likely to be your new roommate, someone you are going to be sharing a lot of time and space with over the coming year or so.

You need to get along with this person, so how can you do it?

Well, hopefully you find someone who is like you in terms of personality, someone who shares common interests and can support you in difficult situations. But don’t be desperate if not.

Here are a few tips on how to get along with your college roommates, as well as a few pointers on how to set house rules in your dorm room.

Don’t Expect Miracles Straightaway

Rome wasn’t built in a day they say, and it’s true in many cases in life. Everyone is going to be a bit nervous or even a little defensive when they start college or university. Some people take a little longer to settle in than others. If you find your new friends in college are a little shy, then they may come across as defensive or cold, but that’s not to say they are that way in reality, they’re just finding their feet. Give it a little time, and don’t expect everything to be roses straightaway; in a week or two, you’ll be getting along like a house on fire, although not literally, of course!

Be a Little Sociable

Suggest a night out or a few social activities in the first week of moving in, so you can enjoy relaxing time away from the house and away from college. When dealing with college roommates, you need to find common ground, and being sociable and relaxed is the ideal way to do this. You will probably find that your new friends are wanting to get out and experience the place just as much as you are, but they’re probably waiting for someone else to make the first move.

Set a few House Rules

Whilst you want it all to be fun and relaxed, it’s important to set a few house rules for college roommates, so you know you’re all on the same page, and you’re not treading on any one’s feet, so to speak. If someone wants to share food cupboards, but someone else wants to have private ones, you need to find common ground and set a rule. You also need to have rules regarding cleaning, so nobody is going to get resentful of doing more than the others.

Appreciate That Everyone Needs Space

Not everyone wants to talk all the time, and some people may need a little space away from everyone, in order to get their work done, to speak to friends and family at home, and to basically chill out and have a little ‘me’ time. This is perfectly normal, so don’t get offended if your new roomie decides to lock themselves away for an hour or two; appreciate everyone’s need for space and you should get along fine.

Sort Out Arguments and Bickers Quickly

One of the best pieces of advice when dealing with college roommates is to sort out any problems quickly, and not to let them fester. You’ve been thrown together, when perhaps you wouldn’t have chosen to live together otherwise, so of course, there are going to be differences in opinion or problems that occur from time to time. Sit down and talk about them, and don’t turn the smallest thing into a slanging match – this means you will be able to smooth out any choppy waters, without it turning into World War Three.

Getting along with your new roommate is about give and take – you need to recognise differences. Of course, it’s not going to be plain sailing all the time, but the key is to be adult about the situation and see it as the great opportunity to gain a lifelong friend.

How to Get Along with Friends

This article was co-authored by Amber Rosenberg, PCC. Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 13,951 times.

Movies and TV shows would have you believe that friendships just fall into place effortlessly, without much conflict. In real life, though, friendship takes a lot of work and can be complicated sometimes! By building a strong foundation for your friendship and working to reduce conflict, maintaining your relationships with friends will become a whole lot easier.

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Tip: You don’t need to keep secrets that would put someone’s well-being at risk. If your friend admits that they want to hurt themselves or others, for instance, it’s okay to talk to someone who can help⁠—like a school counselor or mental health professional. [10] X Trustworthy Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness Go to source

How important is it to get along with your classmates during Pharmacy School??

GrapeSoda

Full Member

PharmDstudent

Full Member

Senior Member

are you moving for either program? If you already have friends/family in that location I’d pick the better program.

I didn’t know anyone when I moved here and I hang out with some classmates but I spend most of my time with my boyfriend.

program prestige really doesn’t matter but it depends on what you want out of the program.

Drug Doc

Full Member

Twins fan

Aspiring Rock Star

I think the importance of «getting along with your classmates» would depend somewhat on the size of the class. For instance, UNMC (in Omaha, where I am going) has class sizes of only 65. From what one of the student ambassadors told me at the interview day it is pretty important to get along with all of your classmates whether you like them or not. He said that in a way it was just like going back to high school (for those of us who grew up in rural areas at least.) This aspect (of seeing the same people in class almost every day for three years) might be a bit different if you had a class twice that size. just depends on the school.

Another thing to consider. are you thinking about a state school or a private school? Of course these are generalizations, but a private school is more likely to have a geographically diverse student body than a state school, which is a big positive for some people. For me, I tend to gravitate towards other fellow midwesterners (in my admittedly limited life experiences thus far, I find them to be easier to get along with than say someone from NY or Cali. no offense meant at all to anyone, I promise ), so this was a very attractive aspect of two of the schools I was accepted to, the University of Minnesota and UNMC. I interviewed and was accepted to MWU-CPG as well, but that school had a much different feel to it and I didn’t see myself fitting in as well there.

Of course only you can decide for you. as was already said, go with your gut. Personally, I feel that earning your PharmD will give you fantastic opportunities no matter where you get it from. you might as well go to the place that feels like the most comfortable fit.

JimblyUK

Full Member

I disagree with others, and don’t think this should be an important consideration. For a start, you never really know what people are like until you spend a lot of time with them face-to-face (as opposed to on facebook). Learning to get along with people, regardless of whether you like them or not is an important skill to learn. During your career, you are going to work with a lot of people you don’t like, so get used to it!

GrapeSoda

Full Member

here is some clarification:

I would be moving for both programs.

I do not have any family or relatives near either school

I think the importance of «getting along with your classmates» would depend somewhat on the size of the class.

Another thing to consider. are you thinking about a state school or a private school?