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How to Get Better

Therapy, journaling, and meditation have all been shown to improve mental health. When you look a little closer, they all share one thing in common.

Note: This was originally written for my weekly newsletter. You can sign up for it here.

Welcome to another Mindf*ck Monday, the only weekly newsletter where the ideas are as good as the jokes are bad. Each week, I send you three potentially life-changing ideas to help you be a slightly less awful human being. This week, we’re talking three popular ways to “get better”—1) therapy, 2) journaling, and 3) meditation—and why I believe they’re all actually kinda the same thing.

Let’s get into it.

Table of Contents

Therapy

Why Does Talking to Someone About Our Problems Make Us Feel Better?

Therapy, as a whole, has a great and reliable track record as a tool to help people. Most people who stick with therapy for more than a few months, reliably increase well-being and show fewer symptoms of anxiety/depression. What’s more, the longer people stick with therapy, the greater they tend to benefit. The research is overwhelmingly in therapy’s favor. It works. It helps people.

But… here’s the plot twist: we still don’t really know why it works.

Psychology has produced as many forms of therapy as Adam Sandler has cheesy rom-com movies. The field is an alphabet soup of modalities. You’ve got CBT, AEDP, DBT, IPT, ACT, CPP, SFBT and REBT. You’ve got gestalt, existential, schema, Jungian, interpersonal, Rogerian, humanistic, regression, psychoanalysis, and, of course, everyone’s favorite, family therapy.

Each of these modalities offers a unique framework and its own philosophy. Each one constructs a unique view of the human mind and creates its own approach to attacking pathology and mental illness.

With so many approaches to therapy, a few decades ago, researchers rightly became curious about which therapies were the most effective, which ones worked. So they ran hundreds of experiments to measure which therapies produced the best results. And the answer will probably surprise you.

All of them did.

All of them work, to some extent. Pretty much every modality produces, on average, relatively similar results. All of them work decently but not perfectly. Some may work slightly better for certain problems than others (i.e., CBT seems to be marginally better for anxiety). But on the whole, just the fact you’re doing therapy has way, way, way more impact than the type you choose to do.

This is kind of stunning. Because it suggests that for all of the theorizing and frameworking over the last 150 years, from Sigmund Freud to Dr. Phil, the content of the therapy itself isn’t that important. In fact, dozens of studies have struggled to find much measurable benefit to the therapist’s training or credentials. Many studies show that people benefit speaking to amateurs just as much as they do professionals. So, not only does the modality seem to not matter, but the therapist’s credentials don’t even seem to matter that much either.

What’s important is simply getting a person in a room regularly to talk about their problems to another human being who is thoughtful and listens well. That’s the 1% that drives 99% of the results. The value of therapy isn’t the therapy. It’s the context. It’s the environment. You’re paying to have a place to go where you can sort out your shit in front of someone trustworthy and not be judged for it. Everything else—the fancy acronyms and degrees and frameworks—seems to merely be an excuse to get you into that room and into that social context.

Journaling

Why Does Writing Down All Our Crazy Thoughts Make Us Feel Better?

So, if most of the value of therapy is merely getting into a room and critically discussing your own thoughts, ideas, and emotions, couldn’t we reproduce that in other ways? Couldn’t you simply call up a trusted friend and do that?

Sure, many people do. But there’s another way that maybe isn’t so obvious.

For most of human history, journaling was not something you did for mental health or self-care, it was simply something any educated person did to help themselves think. Benjamin Franklin, Charles Darwin, Leonardo Da Vinci, Marie Curie, and Winston Churchill were just a few of history’s avid journalers.

It wasn’t until the 1960s and 70s that psychologists considered the idea that journaling may offer therapeutic benefits. Many started to experiment with the practice with their patients. The research caught up and showed that indeed, journaling is very effective at promoting mental health and well-being. Today, many therapists and counselors actively encourage their clients to journal as a supplement to their sessions.

The mental health benefits of journaling likely mirror the benefits of talk therapy—there is something mysteriously powerful about verbalizing your thoughts and feelings; it somehow causes them to lose their power over you.

But let’s go one layer deeper. Why does verbalizing our thoughts and feelings somehow make them have less of a grip on us? If you’ve read my shit for a long time now, you probably already know what I’m going to say:

I’ve got a theory.

Meditation

Why Does Sitting on the Floor and Counting Our Breaths Make Us Feel Better?

I remember the first time I meditated, it was this kooky “eastern spiritual” thing that one of my high school teachers thought would be cool to show us. It was the late 90s and back then, meditation was still an exotic novelty, a weird thing reserved for hippies and mystics. No one I knew took it seriously.

Twenty years later, meditation has gone mainstream. It’s now regularly practiced in board rooms, conferences, seminars, prisons, schools, and churches. Meditation apps have taken off and become a multi-billion dollar industry. Today, meditation is not only normal, but it’s hip. It’s something you kinda brag to people about the way people used to brag about going to the gym.

So far we’ve covered that therapy works because you are verbalizing your thoughts and feelings (therefore loosening their grip on you) and receiving non-judgmental feedback from another person. Journaling works in a similar way—it allows you to verbalize your thoughts and feelings to yourself and then respond to them nonjudgmentally.

I would argue that meditation is effective because it does the exact same thing, it just skips the verbalizing.

The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer wrote that consciousness consists of two parts: the subject and the object. Think of the subject as “the seer” and the object as “the seen.” Both aspects are required in consciousness—there is always something being “seen” and always something doing the “seeing.”

Generally, we are the subject of our consciousness and some external thing is the object. This keyboard I am typing on is currently the object of my consciousness. The food I will have for dinner tonight is the object of my consciousness. The buzzing of my phone is the object of my consciousness.

As long as *I* am the subject and some external thing is the object, then all of my thoughts, feelings, impulses, and desires are bundled up into some intangible subjectivity known as “I” that is not analyzed or considered. This unexamined subject is often referred to as “ego.”

It’s only when we turn our focus on ourselves and make our thoughts and feelings the object of our consciousness that we are able to differentiate them and put them into perspective.

“Oh, I’m feeling sad today and didn’t realize it.” What was once subject (my feeling sad) is now the object of my consciousness, and is thus separated from me. Once separate from me, I can consider my sadness as though it were not me. I can ask why it exists, towards what purpose, is it useful, do I care? This practice of turning one’s subject-base consciousness into the object of one’s consciousness is how self-awareness is formed.

So what do therapy, journaling, and meditation all have in common?

All three are techniques to help us convert what is usually the subject of our consciousness into the object of our consciousness.

They are three tools for building self-awareness and chipping away at the ego. Therapy does this by some thoughtful person inviting us to express our thoughts and feelings. Journaling does this by eliciting us to write about our thoughts and feelings. Meditation does this by teaching us to observe our thoughts and feelings as though they are separate from ourselves.

This is how to get better. To turn the subject into object. To transmute the implicit into the explicit. To shift the internal into external. To move from subjective to objective.

And then, once our thoughts, feelings, and impulses are separated from our “I”—from our ego—we can choose whether we want to keep them and reintegrate them or to simply let them go.

Get a Handle On Your Emotional Bullshit

Emotions make life richer and more fulfilling—and they also make us do the stupidest shit sometimes. Find out how to get a handle on your emotional shit once and for all. Put in your email address in the form below to receive my 47-page ebook on emotions.

You’ll also get my monthly newsletter, lovingly called Mindfuck Monthly. You can opt out at any time. See my privacy policy.

How to Get to Know Someone Better

This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples’ relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book «Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids» and also wrote «Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband». Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 80% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status.

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Relationships are an important part of any person’s life. From friends to love interests, coworkers or even someone you just met, you may feel a connection with an individual and want to get to know the person better. But it can be difficult to figure out how best to deepen your relationship without coming across as rushing it or being overbearing. By establishing interest, opening up to the person, and deepening your relationship, you can get to know someone better.

A Simple Strategy for Getting Better at Things

How often do you catch yourself saying, “I wish I were better at _____.” Maybe you want to be better at exercising regularly, your relationships or your work. Maybe you’d like to be more artistic, athletic or multilingual.

Getting better at things requires work. It doesn’t happen too often that you can immediately get better at something with a trick or gimmick. However, I think a lot of people don’t improve simply because they don’t know how.

In this article I want to outline a simple strategy to get better at anything. It does require work. But it can help simplify the process of thinking about improvement.

Is it a Habit or a Skill?

Most of the things you want to get better at are largely habits, skills or some mixture of the two.

Exercising is a habit. Although there is some skill in exercising well, that’s not the weak link for most people. Most people know *how* to run, move or work out, they just don’t do it as much as they’d like. When you find yourself wanting to do something more regularly or consistently, you’re trying to improve a habit.

Speaking another language is a skill. You may need a habit of practicing, but it’s not enough to just will yourself to speak French or Japanese—you need to learn how to do it first. When you don’t know *how* to do something, or don’t know how to do it well enough, what you’re trying to improve is a skill.

Most things you’ll want to improve will have a mix of habits and skills. Maybe you want to read more books. On the one hand, reading is a habit—you need to read more. But it’s also a skill—vocabulary, fluency and subject familiarity all influence how quickly and deeply you can read.

The first step is deciding whether what your trying to improve is mostly a habit or mostly a skill. A good rule of thumb is that if your main problem is with doing something you already know how to do, but doing it consistently, that’s probably a habit. If your main problem is not knowing how to do something well enough, that’s probably a skill.

How to Get Better at Habits

Improving a habit has three main parts: formulating the desired behavior, conditioning the habit and maintaining it once it has formed.

Step One: Picking the Habit

The first step is to clearly articulate what you’re trying to improve. You want to replace the vague sense of unease that maybe you should be better at something with a decision to improve something specific.

A good habit should be something you do regularly. It should happen either every day or after a particular context or trigger (right after work, every time you speak to someone, when you wake up). If it’s a habit of absence (quitting smoking, giving up junk food) it should include some concrete alternative to fill the vacuum.

Some examples of vague improvements turned into concrete habits:

Step Two: Conditioning the Habit

The next step is to stick with the behavior long enough that it becomes automatic. This requires effort in the beginning, but, if you do it right, should become easier and easier until you no longer think about doing it.

Most suggestions for making habits will pick a time period that’s easy to commit to, but long enough that the conditioning work will be largely finished. Some people recommend 21, 30 or 60 days. One study suggested that the average habit takes 66 days to condition to automaticity, but that there was a great range in habits and participants (from 30 to over 200 days).

My suggestion is to pick an amount of time that seems reasonable. Ironically, harder habits are probably better with smaller commitments. This is because they often become easier faster, so you might not start a difficult habit to exercise once every day if you know you have to maintain it perfectly for 90 days, but you might keep it up for 30 days.

Step Three: Maintain the Habit

Most habits are metastable. That means that they can endure for a long time, but if something pushes them out of balance they will fall back to an easier behavior. Exercise is an example of a metastable habit because even if it is automatic for you, it does require time and energy. A prolonged illness, vacation or overtime at work can break the habit without you realizing it.

For metastable habits like these, it’s important to monitor it, and if you see yourself slipping, reinforce it with another small commitment. A good rule of thumb is that the commitment should be at least equal in time to the loss of habit. So if you’ve stopped exercising for a week, you should commit to follow your habit for at least a week to get back to an equilibrium. If you’ve stopped for more than two months on a daily habit, you should probably treat it like conditioning a new habit.

How to Get Better at Skills

The best strategy for getting better at skills is deliberate practice. A good way to work on this is to divide it into three parts: practice, feedback and focus.

Step One: Practice

The first step to get better at something is to use the skill. If you want to get better at writing, you need to write. If you want to get better at speaking a language, you need to speak. If you want to get better at talking to women, you need to talk to women.

There’s two styles you can approach this with. The first is to improve the skill via a selected project. This works well for skills that need a lot of time to focus on, or that you can’t easily inject into your daily life. You might work on the skill on your own, or follow a particular course or self-improvement program to guide you.

The second style is to treat your practice just like any other habit. Define it clearly, condition it and maintain it. This is most useful when you’re trying to master something over a longer period of time.

Step Two: Feedback

Improving skills is a loop: first you attempt something, then you notice how your attempt differed from the ideal, then you adjust what you did and attempt again. Tighter feedback makes the loop work faster, causing you to learn more rapidly. An absence of feedback can break the loop, causing you to learn slowly or not at all.

You can get feedback directly from the environment, or by soliciting feedback from other people. Asking for feedback often has problems. If the feedback giver isn’t good at the skill themselves, asking how you can improve is often a bad idea. Instead, you might use subtler metrics (Writing:Do people finish reading your entire essay? Languages: Do people understand what you’re saying?).

Step Three: Focus

Complex skills are made up of simpler components. Writing is about research, storytelling, description and organization of ideas. Languages are vocabulary, grammar, pronunciation and prosody. Drawing is about seeing relationships, pencil techniques, shading and shapes.

You can accelerate your improvement by focusing on the component skills separately. This has two effects. First, it allows you to devote more of your cognitive resources to getting good at them, allowing you to master the component skills more quickly. Second, it lets you spend more time on your weak points, so you can selectively improve whatever is holding you back.

To do this, break down the skill your working on into parts. Then make drills which will focus you on improving the aspect that you’re missing. Remember to always do some general practice alongside your drills or it is easy to get really good at a component but not be able to use it in real situations.

Getting Better at Things

First decide whether what you want to improve is mostly habit or skill.

Although the things you might want to get better at are incredibly varied in life, I’ve been surprised how many break down into these two categories and can be resolved by some version of these three steps.

What would you like to get better at? Write down your habit or skill, along with what you plan to do in the comments!

Texting 101: 11 Great Ways to Get to Know Someone Better

This article was co-authored by Joshua Pompey. Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert with over 10 years of helping people navigate the online dating world. Joshua has run his own relationship consulting business since 2009 at a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.

There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 52,470 times.

If you’ve ever wondered how you can crack the surface of someone to find out what’s going on inside of their heads, you’re not alone. Fortunately, getting to know someone over text can be a simple, pressure-free way to do it. With the right strategy and approach, you can find out what makes another person tick without having to talk to them face-to-face. To help you do it, we’ve put together a list of tips and ideas you can use to make it happen.

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How To Get Better At Valorant: 14 Best Tips & Tricks

Tired of hearing “git gud” over and over, and you’ve just had enough? Say no to being told “noob” and become a better Valorant player than ever using this tailored guide. With a spot-on game plan to follow and a bunch of instructions to keep you going in the right direction, you’ll get there in due time.

Valorant employs players in a hero-centric, rapid-paced, full-of-life 5 vs 5 situation with each character boasting its own set of unique abilities. Tactical gunplay, diverse maps, and a whole lot of guns are what that best define the free-to-play genius of Valorant. The game has a steep learning curve and requires aspiring players to pay attention if they ever want to make it to the big leagues.

One of the first things that you can do to get some truly desirable results in is playing the game the right way. And that is only when you’re optimizing the title to get maximum Valorant FPS. With that said, we’ve rounded up some of the best tips and tricks out there for you to learn from and become better as a Valorant player. Let’s dive right in without any further ado.

Best Tips and Tricks to Get Good At Valorant

We have come up with the 14 best tips and tricks for you to become an ultimate player in Valorant. So, start implementing them in your playthroughs and you’d begin winning more than losing in the game.

Hone Your Skills in the Practice Mode

Always stay one step ahead of your enemies by putting in the work beforehand. Valorant’s Practice Mode is flawless if you intend to do just that. You get to pick the operators of your choice, try their abilities, acclimate yourself to the overall movement, and even face off against the AI to get a hint of the real deal.

We know how irresistible it is to get right into a match, but spending half an hour and then some practicing will pay off exceptionally well. From getting used to the crosshair placement to experimenting with different operators before you buy them, the Practice Mode welcomes everyone who’s eager to improve.

The saying, “Practice makes perfect” isn’t so widely circulated without a good reason. However, most players aren’t willing to put in the work and just want to dive right into the action. Sure, but don’t expect favorable results coming in that way.

It’s only for the greater good that you make Valoran’t Practice Mode your best friend if you ever want to be the top 1% of Valorant’s players. The nice part is that there are a wide variety of ways you can improve when you train. That is to say, you don’t have to succumb to a single blatant way of practicing in Valorant.

The following is a screenshot that illustrates four different ways of playing the Practice Mode of Valorant. We fare the second one—Shooting Test—as the most important out of them all. Acknowledging how to get good at Valorant starts from here, so dive right in without any further ado and see yourself getting better at aiming gradually.

Exercise Effective Communication

Valorant emphasizes communicating with your squad and working the battle out together. You can use this game mechanic to your advantage by providing an idea of your foe’s whereabouts to your teammates, even when you die. The game lets you ping locations on the map using the Z key which has been set by default.

Moreover, you can also open the map yourself whenever it’s safe enough to know exactly where you stand in-game. You can then proceed to communicate with your team and employ the grace of teamwork to win faceoffs like never before. Exercising effective communication is a definite way of improving at the game whenever you’re playing with a squad. If you tend to gun solo for most of the time, however, keep on reading for other fixes.

Utilize the Portals Properly

This may come as a surprise, but the portals in the game aren’t just a one-way route to the other side. Instead, you can also throw in your grenades, rockets, smokes, and other character abilities to wipe out the enemy in the opposing end.

If done properly, this technique could fritter your opponent’s self-esteem and insinuate them to get good, period. This is why we advise you to adopt critical thinking and strategize your way in the murky arenas of Valorant.

Be Wary of Your Spending

Valorant implements a buy system in the game where at the start of each round, you can buy and upgrade your arsenal of deadly weapons using an in-game currency. If you’re the Rambo of shooters and are bagging in the most kills/bomb defusions, you won’t struggle with the money.

But if you’re like some of us and not all rounds go booming for you, consider saving up for those important times when the best gear could help you determine the match’s outcome.

More From Exputer: Brax Valorant Settings

Increase Accuracy by Standing Still

Gunning your way through hordes of enemies might be pretty cool in a zombie game, but we’re talking about Valorant right now where doing that will get you nowhere except the respawn screen. When engaging with the opposition in a 1v1 fashion, do take your cover, but try standing still while shooting to increase your accuracy by leaps and bounds.

While you should also study the spray patterns of your most used weapons, shooting motionlessly is sure to best your opponent before they do. A bonus tip here is to keep your aim somewhere around the head height.
Additionally, here are some more extra tips for you.

How to Get Better at Aiming in Valorant – Aim Down Sights More

This is more of a general FPS tip rather than a Valorant specific one, but an exceptionally effective one nonetheless. Whenever you turn a corner or are entering a new area in which you’re unaware of the enemy’s presence, always begin entering with your weapon aimed down the sights.

Doing so will almost always give you the upper hands in bouts, meaning that you’re already prepared to gun down any forthcoming threat and are basically one step ahead of the competition. Not only will you have more time to adjust your aim before going for the kill, but you’ll also be able to do it more effectively with the enemy caught by surprise.

However, you need to tell the difference between when to aim down sights more and when not to. Tons of weapons in Valorant have terrific hip fire potential which are better off firing without using the sights. This is what brings us to our next tip on how to get good at Valorant.

Get to Know Your Weaponry

Valorant has 17 weapons in total that you can choose from, purchase, and even unlock by ticking off Contracts. Each weapon is different in many ways. Apart from the obvious damage-dealing statistic, each weapon, depending on its class, has its unique recoil and spray pattern.

Therefore, weapon categories range from pistols, SMGs, shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, and heavy weapons. For instance, the Vandal assault rifle is a fairly tricky weapon to main in Valorant. It is popularly known to get crazy with the recoil when you spray the gun all the way down to the last bullet.

In the other corner of the ring, we got Phantom – another tip-top rifle that’s popular among the high rankers of Valorant. Its recoil differs substantially from that of Vandal’s. When you unload the clip on a target in Practice Mode, you’ll find that the spray pattern tends to go up and left near the end of the magazine.

Therefore, this is all what “Get to know your weaponry” is about. If you’ve found a weapon that seems to be working wonders for you, walk the extra mile with it and hop on the Practice Mode. Train its recoil and learn its spray pattern. This is one of the best ways how to get better at Valorant, so dive right in!

Learn Movement

We seriously cannot stress this enough, but mastering your movement is key if you want to thrive in Valorant. Some professional players such as ScreaM regard movement as even more important than aiming, and that’s basically saying a lot about this game element.

Movement is willing to go as advanced as you’re willing to take it, with advanced techniques factoring in to give you like-minded results. For instance, an expert-level movement skill called counter-strafing is definitely the one to learn if you want to know how to get better at Valorant.

Strafing is basically moving left and right with your “A” and “D” keys respectively. However, counter-strafing not only implies moving opposite to your enemy but also increasing the accuracy to a deadshot level. It revolves around moving left and right quickly with simultaneous shooting in-between.

This automatically allows you to get better at aiming in Valorant and makes you a harder target to focus on. The following is an overview of how counter-strafing can be learned in the game, so do check it out for an in-depth visual explanation.