How to make friends and influence people
How to make friends and influence people
How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age
This article was co-authored by Christy Irvine, PhD and by wikiHow staff writer, Megaera Lorenz, PhD. Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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In 1936, Dale Carnegie published his famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. While the world has changed a lot since then, his basic advice still holds true—be friendly, be honest, and show genuine interest in others. Although interactions look a little different in online from the way they do in person, you can still build genuine connections with others by following these same common-sense rules.
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How to Win Friends and Influence People
You can go after the job you want. and get it! You can take the job you have. and improve it! You can take any situation you’re in. and make it work for you!
Since its release in 1936, How to Win Friends and Influence People has sold more than 15 million copies. Dale Carnegie’s first book is a timeless bestseller, packed with rock-solid advice that has carried thousands of now famous people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives.
As relevant as ever before, Dale Carnegie’s principles endure, and will help you achieve your maximum potential in the complex and competitive modern age.
Learn the six ways to make people like you, the twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking, and the nine ways to change people without arousing resentment.
288 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1936
About the author
Dale Carnegie
Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (originally Carnagey until 1922 and possibly somewhat later) (November 24, 1888 – November 1, 1955) was an American writer and lecturer and the developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking and interpersonal skills. Born in poverty on a farm in Missouri, he was the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936, a massive bestseller that remains popular today. He also wrote a biography of Abraham Lincoln, titled Lincoln the Unknown, as well as several other books.
Carnegie was an early proponent of what is now called responsibility assumption, although this only appears minutely in his written work. One of the core ideas in his books is that it is possible to change other people’s behavior by changing one’s reaction to them.
Born in 1888 in Maryville, Missouri, Carnegie was a poor farmer’s boy, the second son of James William Carnagey and wife Amanda Elizabeth Harbison (b. Missouri, February 1858 – living 1910). In his teens, though still having to get up at 4 a.m. every day to milk his parents’ cows, he managed to get educated at the State Teacher’s College in Warrensburg. His first job after college was selling correspondence courses to ranchers; then he moved on to selling bacon, soap and lard for Armour & Company. He was successful to the point of making his sales territory of South Omaha, Nebraska the national leader for the firm.
Perhaps one of Carnegie’s most successful marketing moves was to change the spelling of his last name from “Carnegey” to Carnegie, at a time when Andrew Carnegie (unrelated) was a widely revered and recognized name. By 1916, Dale was able to rent Carnegie Hall itself for a lecture to a packed house. Carnegie’s first collection of his writings was Public Speaking: a Practical Course for Business Men (1926), later entitled Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business (1932). His crowning achievement, however, was when Simon & Schuster published How to Win Friends and Influence People. The book was a bestseller from its debut in 1937, in its 17th printing within a few months. By the time of Carnegie’s death, the book had sold five million copies in 31 languages, and there had been 450,000 graduates of his Dale Carnegie Institute. It has been stated in the book that he had critiqued over 150,000 speeches in his participation of the adult education movement of the time. During World War I he served in the U.S. Army.
His first marriage ended in divorce in 1931. On November 5, 1944, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, he married Dorothy Price Vanderpool, who also had been divorced. Vanderpool had two daughters; Rosemary, from her first marriage, and Donna Dale from their marriage together.
Carnegie died at Forest Hills, New York, and was buried in the Belton, Cass County, Missouri cemetery. The official biography fro
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie: Summary and Lessons
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Rating: 9/10
Table of Contents
How to Win Friends and Influence People Short Summary
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a self-help classic that reads as a life manual. The core idea is that you can change other people’s behavior simply by changing your own. It teaches you the principles to better understand people, become a more likable person, improve relationships, win others over, and influence behavior through leadership.
Executive Summary
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Six Ways to Make People Like You
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment
Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Most people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
Criticism is futile and dangerous. It puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. And it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
People learn faster and retain knowledge more effectively when rewarded for good behavior than punished for bad behavior. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Anyone can criticize, condemn and complain. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
The only way to get a person to do anything is by giving them what they want. What do most people want?
This desire is what makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children. If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.
How do you make people feel important? By appreciation and encouragement.
‘I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.’
Know the difference between appreciation and flattery. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
Flattery is selfish and insincere. It’s cheap praise. You tell the other person precisely what he thinks about himself. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good.
Appreciation is unselfish and sincere. It happens when we stop thinking about ourselves and begin to think of the other person’s good points.
Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,’ and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime – repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Of course, you are interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
In the words of Henry Ford:
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
This does not mean manipulating someone so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.
Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
If you only try to impress people and get them interested in you, you won’t have many true friends. Real friends are not made that way.
If you want to make friends, put yourself out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.
We are interested in others when they are interested in us.
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street – both parties benefit.
Principle 2: Smile.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.’
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
Force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy and that will tend to make you happy.
Control your thoughts. Happiness depends on inner conditions, not outward ones. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. Shakespeare said it best:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill and brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.
“Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell – it and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.”
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds.
A simple technique to memorize names:
A name is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… and nobody else. It sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.
From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as you deal with others.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
To be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested.
Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Remember people are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
People like to talk about themselves. A particular topic is the things that they enjoy.
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
“Roosevelt knew that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
There is one all-important law of human conduct: always make the other person feel important.
If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble.
Give to others what we would have others give to us. How? When? Where? All the time, everywhere.
Most people you meet feel superior to you in some way. A sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance sincerely.
“‘Talk to people about themselves,’ said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. ‘Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.’”
Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Most arguments end with each person more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
You can’t win an argument. If you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
When you win an argument, you make the other person feel inferior. You hurt his pride and he will resent your triumph. In the words of Ben Franklin:
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.”
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’
Tell people they are wrong and you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, pride, and self-respect. You won’t make them want to change their minds and they will never want to agree with you.
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly. As Galileo said:
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
When someone makes a statement that you know is wrong, say: ‘Well, now, look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.’
There’s positive magic in admitting you could be wrong. It’s hard to object to such phrases.
“You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.”
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not when the other part belittles us.
Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Use a little diplomacy. It will help you gain your point.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, it’s far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves. It’s easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips.
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before that person has a chance to say them.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit your errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness but often helps solve the problem created by the mistake.
“When you are right, try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking. When you are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if you are honest with yourself – admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.”
This technique will produce astonishing results as well as being more fun than trying to defend oneself. As the proverb goes: ‘By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.’
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
To win someone to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.
Friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
Remember the words of Lincoln: ‘A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.’
Principle 5: Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
When talking with someone, begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree.
Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying ‘Yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep them from saying ‘No.’
A ‘No’ response is the most difficult handicap to overcome. All your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it.
The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of ‘Yes’ responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.
When tempted to tell someone he is wrong, ask a gentle question – a question that will get the ‘yes, yes’ response.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. Ask them questions.
When you disagree with them, don’t interrupt. Listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.
La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said:
‘If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.’
When our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
People have more faith in ideas that they discover for themselves than in ones handed to them.
Don’t try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people. Instead, make suggestions and let other people think about the conclusion.
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn but instead try to understand them.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Find that reason and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Put yourself in his place. Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.”
Always ask yourself: ‘Why should he want to do it?’ This will take time but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
A magic phrase to stop arguments, eliminate ill feelings, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively: ‘I don’t blame for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’
An answer like that will soften anyone. And you can say that and be 100% sincere, because if you were the other person you, of course, would feel just as he does.
Most people you meet want sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.
You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.
To get things done, stimulate competition using the desire to excel.
‘All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.’
The one major factor that motivates people is the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looks forward to doing it and is motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. The desire for a feeling of importance.
Part Four: Be a Leader
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word ‘but’ and ending with a critical statement.
For example: ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.’
Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but.’ It makes him question the sincerity of the original praise. It seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies. This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’
Like this: ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.’
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations. Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.
People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face.
We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride.
Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting! Let’s remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote:
‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.’
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’
Praise even the slightest improvement to inspire the other person to keep on improving.
The use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F. Skinner’s teachings. The great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.
Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants flattery.
Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life. Talking about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said ‘Assume a virtue, if you have it not.’
And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.
But use the opposite technique – be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Some guidelines when you want to someone’s behavior:
The Best Summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People
A brief, no fluff, summary of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Techniques in Handling People
Six ways to Make People Like You
Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
That’s not all the book had to offer. Here are the other points Carnegie makes worth noting.
Criticism
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. …. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
That reminds me of this famous quote by Thomas Carlyle: “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”
People are Emotional
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
The Key to Influencing Others
[T]he only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
The Secret of Success
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
Like our weekly newsletter, Carnegie’s book is full of timeless wisdom and insights that you can use at work and home.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. – Dale Carnegie
The Book that Changed How We Relate to Others
Dale Carnegie once wrote a book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. This book is often listed as one of the most influential books of all time. Some say that it spawned the multi-billion dollar personal development industry we know today; that it transformed how we relate to others and changed the game of professional relationship building.
If you question the impact that Dale Carnegie’s book has had on millions of individuals and groups around the world, then simply conduct a Google search and you will discover firsthand the widespread popularity and impact that How to Win Friends and Influence People has had on the world.
For the purpose of our discussion today, I will merely and briefly outline the main concepts and elements discussed within How to Win Friends and Influence People. This by no means does justice to the text, and by no means should it replace the book. Instead, the article and accompanying mind map should be used as a reference guide that helps overview the masterpiece written by Dale Carnegie in 1936.
So without further delay, let us begin our overview of the book.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. — Dale Carnegie
How to Handle People
Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain
One of the primary areas that Dale Carnegie focuses on is our ability to handle people effectively under different conditions and circumstances. He points out that we must never criticize, condemn or complain. The moment we indulge in these destructive verbal habits is the moment we begin to lose the trust and respect of others.
Nobody likes to be criticized or condemned for doing or not doing something — and as much as we might not like to admit it when we hear others complaining we often roll our eyes the other way.
Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment. — Dale Carnegie
Arouse an Eager Want
In order to influence people to our way of thinking, Dale Carnegie points out that we must arouse in them an eager want. In other words, we must determine what motivates and inspires them to take action or make a specific decision, and then focus our efforts on bringing these things to the surface.
For obvious reasons, it’s difficult to imagine that we could consistently build strong relationships with people by complaining and criticizing them whenever they don’t agree with our point-of-view. However, when we arouse within them an eager “want” and focus on the things that will help motivate them to take action, then at that moment the game changes and we begin to gain influence over their decisions and actions.
Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation. — Dale Carnegie
Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
Give the other person consistent honest and sincere appreciation for their efforts, time, energy and skills — even for the smallest of things.
When others feel that they are appreciated long-term, they exude a different zest for life. This new found motivation subsequently moves them to take action and helps us to better influence their choices and decisions. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between honest and sincere appreciation and downright flattery.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. — Dale Carnegie
How to Make People Like You
It’s difficult to build strong bonds and relationships with people long-term if they simply don’t like you. Sometimes people get off on the wrong foot and can’t get along, while at other times they tend to click the instant they meet. Why is that? How does this work? Dale Carnegie has a few answers.
Remember to Smile
First of all Dale Carnegie points out that a smile can win over just about anyone’s heart. When we smile we will often receive smiles in return because others see us as being friendly and approachable. Likewise, a sincere smile can also help us gain the trust of others. It is, in essence, the first step towards personal influence.
I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace. — Dale Carnegie
Use a Person’s Name Often
Another important component Dale Carnegie discusses that helps us build a sense of trust and respect while conversing with others, is our willingness to use the other person’s name during the conversation.
Have you ever been to a room full of people absorbed in a one-to-one conversation, when suddenly you hear someone from the other side of the room faintly call your name? Immediately your attention leaves the conversation and instead focuses on the name you think you heard. The reason this happens is that your name is your calling-cards. It’s an “attention grabber” that focuses you on what’s most important.
Dale Carnegie points out that we should use another person’s names throughout our interactions with them on a consistent basis. However, it’s also important to remember not to overdo a good thing. 😉
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. — Dale Carnegie
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage. — Dale Carnegie
Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
It is said that the person listening and asking the questions controls the conversation. In fact, Dale Carnegie points out that by simply listening, by asking questions and encouraging the other person to speak, that he could within a very short period of time gain their trust and respect.
Dale Carnegie also points out that the key to listening is derived from our genuine show-of interest in the lives of other people. This is important, because if you come across as being insincere during the conversation, then the other person will pick this up, and you will, therefore, lose favor in their eyes.
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. — Dale Carnegie
Always Make People Feel Important
Another way to improve your “likeability factor” is to make people feel important. Dale Carnegie points out that you can do this very easily by talking about people’s interests, then congratulating them on their accomplishments, successes, and victories. You can even make another person feel important when they talk about their problems and concerns. Simply help shift their perspective and encourage them to see that their failures are at the same time their greatest opportunities for success.
When you make a person feel important, a wave of confidence floods over their entire body and as a result your “likeability factor” increases.
In reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air. — Dale Carnegie
How to Win People Over to Your Way of Thinking
Winning others over to our way of thinking isn’t about persuasion. It’s rather about the subtle influence that arouses in the other person certain feelings that naturally allow them to be influenced by what we do or say.
See Things from People’s Point of View
Influence often begins when we start seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Many times we can become so absorbed in our own opinions, beliefs, values, attitudes, and perspectives that we fail to see through the fog of our own thinking. We interpret what others are saying based on our own psychology and patterns of conditioning. As a result, we fail to really understand the other person.
To avoid this trap, we must begin seeing things from the other person’s point of view; we must step into their shoes and understand the situation from their perspective. Only then can we begin to build long-term rapport.
Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” — Dale Carnegie
Admit When You Are Wrong
We are all human, and as human beings, we tend to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and as a result, we tend to distrust those who seem a little too good to be true. This likewise affects how we view others and how much of our trust we give them. On the other hand, when we see people being real, making mistakes and learning from those mistakes, we tend to appreciate their transparency and this helps us relate to them on a deeper level. We must therefore occasionally take time to admit our mistakes and point out to others the lessons we have learned as a result of these errors.
An argument would have begun to steam and boil and sputter — and you know how arguments end. Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in. — Dale Carnegie
Avoid Arguments at all Costs
One thing I have learned over time is that arguing with another person rarely (if ever) leads to positive relations. After an argument, there is always some remorse and some tension on both sides of the fence — even when people have forgiven each other.
It is said that the weak man chooses to argue, while the wise man chooses instead to find common ground. This “common ground” is what builds the foundations for agreement.
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? — Dale Carnegie
Don’t Tell People that they are Wrong
When trying to relate to someone it’s important to be aware of resistance triggers. These are things that you say or do that automatically make another person feel uncomfortable within your presence. One of these triggers is telling someone that they are wrong. This immediately puts the person on the defensive and destroys any rapport you may have built over time.
We must realize that everyone makes mistakes. Therefore should it be our responsibility to point these mistakes out? How will that affect our relationship with them? Is their opinion worth challenging? Or is it irrelevant and unnecessary? These are questions we must continuously keep at the forefront of our minds while conversing with others.
You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words — and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. — Dale Carnegie
Get the Other Person Saying “Yes”
Finally, one of the sneaky techniques that Dale Carnegie brought up in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People is to begin a conversation in a friendly way and then get the other person saying yes… yes… yes… immediately by asking questions. By getting a person into a positive frame of mind helps to build long-term rapport, trust, and agreement.
Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. — Dale Carnegie
Influencing People Through Leadership
How to Win Friends and Influence People is not only about building relationships, it’s also very much about being an effective leader of people. This type of leadership stems from our ability to gain the trust and respect of those who follow us. This naturally begins when we start applying everything discussed thus far within this article.
Do Not Give Direct Orders — Ask Questions Instead
One of the core fundamental techniques that I give a lot of attention to as a life skills coach is the process of asking effective questions.
Knowing how to ask effective questions is as important to life coaching as it is to our interactions with other people. In fact, Dale Carnegie points out that while delegating we must not give direct orders, but instead ask questions that will help encourage others to do as we ask.
Carefully crafted questions will help the person see the importance of the task at hand, and will encourage them to take action and responsibility for their assignment.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. — Dale Carnegie
Give People a Fine Reputation to Live Up to
Another important element that Dale Carnegie discusses is to give people a fine reputation to live up to. This becomes critical when we hear that people tend to live up to the expectations of others. Therefore when we raise our expectations of those who follow us, we tend to also raise their level of confidence in themselves and their own abilities, which subsequently tends to improve their results, effectiveness, and efficiency throughout the day.
Praise the Slightest Improvement
Finally, Dale Carnegie mentions that it’s important to give the other person feedback about the improvements they’ve made over time — no matter how small or insignificant they seem on the surface. Yes, they might have made mistakes along the way, however, as a leader, you show people that their weaknesses and errors are actually only temporary and easy to correct in the long-run. Better yet, talk about your own mistakes and inadequacies first, and show them that even people in positions of power aren’t perfect. This helps build rapport and trust while showing the other person that errors of judgment can be easily corrected if we learn from our circumstances.
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain spect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. […] And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned. — Dale Carnegie
Concluding Thoughts
I could easily keep discussing each point in detail, however, nobody says it better than Dale Carnegie himself. I, therefore, encourage you to either read How to Win Friends and Influence People book or listen to the audio version (the narrator’s voice in the audio version is mesmerizing). Either way, I am confident that you will be pleasantly surprised and encouraged by the stories, techniques and the positive message behind the words.
For more information about influence and persuasion, please read the following three articles:
Finally, here is a great resource that delves into more detail on How to Win Friends and Influence People. They provide a point-form summary of the entire book. 🙂
I hope you enjoyed this article and mind map. Please share your comments and feedback, and by all means please feel free to share the mind map with others.
Time to Assimilate these Concepts
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Gain More Knowledge…
Here are some additional links and resources that will help you learn more about this topic: