How to manipulate people
How to manipulate people
4 Ways To Psychologically Manipulate Someone
Michael shares about tips on self-development and happiness on Lifehack. Read full profile
Ever thought about using psychology to your benefit your everyday interactions with others? You don’t need a psych degree, nor do you need any mind-reading abilities. In our countless interactions with friends, coworkers, and superiors, we have the ability to manipulate the situation and capitalize on these social exchanges.
When I say manipulate, I don’t necessarily mean it in a negative sense. Manipulation can be used for good — convincing someone to take a vacation or doing everything possible to get that promotion at work. Below are several ways in which a mere awareness of the psychology behind our interactions can help benefit us more than we would ever expect.
1. Use Body Language To Your Advantage
The way the brain stimulates physical movements and reactions during day-to-day interactions is almost uncontrollable. This type of movement can signal a lot to those around you. What does that mean? It means that you can use body language to understand things that words won’t tell you, or even influence someone with more than just words.
I’m sure you’ve heard that 90 per cent of communication is non-verbal (hard to believe, but it’s actually 93 per cent), meaning that so much in our interactions can be lost just because we asked for that promotion with our arms crossed while looking at the floor.
Learning to read body language is just as important as properly conveying it — it’ll tell you if someone is genuinely agreeing with you, actively engaged in what you’re saying, or even if they think you’re a complete idiot. Persistently picking up on the body language of others will help you improve your own abilities and identify opportunities as well as dead ends for every interaction.
Doing things like mimicking postures, gestures, and movements can help get someone to like you or agree with you. Nodding your head “yes” when you really mean “no” can incriminate you — interrogators rely on body language to determine culpability on a regular basis. We’re all animals and behave as such when stripped away from our more sophisticated form of communication, the trick is to use this subconscious interaction to your benefit.
Some interesting facts about body language:
2. Change The Perspective
Cloak the reality of those you’re attempting to manipulate with a reality that you’ve weaved — go matrix on their minds. This one’s about tact, cunning ability, and most importantly, rhetoric.
“My car only has x mileage, never you mind the rust spots…”
“My bad grades and academic probation in sophomore year, contrasted to the better grades in my senior year, show how much I’ve improved since then.”
And the classic: “This home is a real fixer-upper — think of the potential.”
We do this every day — turning half-empty glasses on their sides. A lot of the time, perspective can really mean a world of difference in the way that someone looks at something. This perspective itself can be influenced by your descriptions. Rhetoric is a crucial factor that underlies this notion as it encompasses so many aspects beyond just what was said and how it was said. It relies on tone, content, and appeals to reason, character, or emotion. Use rhetoric to be as persuasive as possible, exaggerate when practical, and shift focus where necessary.
Put thought into how your arguments are structured and delivered, whether they appeal to someone’s emotion or logic. Do you sound like you know what you’re talking about even when you don’t? If you can’t convince someone to stop wasting paper because of environmental reasons, can you convince them with a flawlessly logical argument as to how less paper means less work? Thinking outside the box and re-framing a perspective on any given situation can do you good in how you see things for yourself and can also build on the efficacy of any argument you put forward.
Some facts to put this into perspective:
3. Leverage Your Knowledge Of Others
Rely on people’s psychological needs and use them as a pressure point. This might be a need to conform, to be accepted or included, or the complete opposite — the need to stand out and swim against the current. The risky decision maker can be goaded into making a poor decision, the quiet crowd dweller can be discouraged from pursuing anything that would lead them astray from the comforts of conformity.
Their weakness is your strength, it’s just a matter of figuring out how to harness that to your advantage. Are they prone to overconfidence that can cause them to stumble? Are they insecure about something that can help you make a convincing point? Everyone has their kryptonite.
The more you learn about someone’s psychological tendencies, modes of thought, and characteristics, the more of an advantage you can gain over their thoughts and your overall influence on said thoughts. The key to success here is knowledge. Like every other point, it may be more crucial to understand your own pressure points. A solid defence includes an acknowledgement of your own insecurities and vulnerabilities
Psychologist Jim Sniechowski details the how-to’s of emotional leveraging whilst also shining a positive light on the subject in his article: Emotional Leveraging: It’s Really Not Manipulation? In it, he provides three basic guidelines to achieve utmost success when using someone’s emotions against them:
4. Be Aware Of Proper Timing and Opportunity
The jaguar is an effective and calculated hunter. Ancestral legacies of success and failure have given it the biological ability of great timing. It knows when to pounce, when to strike hardest, and when to abort its chase.
Know when to make your moves. This is something we learn from a young age (don’t tell mom what you want for your birthday when she’s in a bad mood). The trick is to actively maintain an awareness and have your eyes constantly scanning for opportunity. For instance, try asking for certain favors when someone is tired or preoccupied (they’re less likely to put in the energy to disagree or refuse you).
Don’t force opportunities, instead welcome them and keep your eyes open. If you’ve been waiting to throw a pitch at your boss, don’t force the conversation. This may require waiting for weeks before you get a good opportunity, but once you do, don’t blow it. When we encounter someone with, say, a proposal, half the battle can already be won or lost depending on their mood in the moment.
Fact: Recently, a study of more than a thousand court decisions found that judges, who ought to be our rational-thinking exemplars, are just as susceptible to this notion as anyone. The study confirmed that prisoners are much more likely (up to 65 per cent more likely) to be paroled early in the day or shortly after a lunch break.
Endless Possibilities
The wonders of psychology are endless. It’s a field worth exploring, but is only useful by first putting in the effort to learn and implement. The above-mentioned ways to exploit psychology barely scratch the surface and require little more than mere awareness to employ.
Each of the above factors are immensely useful in and of themselves. For instance, kinesics (the study of body language) can turn you into a walking lie detector if you care to be. If you don’t care to pick up on the impulses or tendencies of others, don’t care to expose situations to your benefit, don’t become aware of the body language that you exert and that others send your way, then you’re blinding yourself to a very interesting way to maximize on your exchanges throughout life.
Как правильно манипулировать людьми
Женщины хотят манипулировать мужчинами, мужчины хотят манипулировать женщинами, политики народом, начальники подчиненными, а остальные люди между собой. Если не манипулируешь ты, то манипулируют тобой. Как дергать людей за невидимые ниточки и управлять ими, когда тебе это нужно?
Как правильно манипулировать людьми
1. Страх для манипуляции людьми
Как манипулировать людьми? Страх — это основной метод в мире. Для достижения цели человека надо хорошо напугать. Этим пользуются продавцы, страховые компании и телевидение, которые косвенно пугают человека. Если ты не купишь, не застрахуешь и не сделаешь что-то, то многое потеряешь. Твою машину украдут, а ты не будешь востребованным, успешным, модным, красивым и сексуальным. Начальство пугает снижением премии, выговорами и увольнением. Ищи рычаги воздействия на людей, слабые места и как можешь их запугать. Чаще это не прямые угрозы, а намеки.
2. Ложь для манипуляции людьми
Как манипулировать окружающими? Сложно заставить человека во что-то поверить? Тогда обмани его. Утаивание, искажение, ложь и преувеличение. Средний человек врет дважды в день. Рано или поздно ложь всегда раскроется? Обычно нет. Научившись правдоподобно врать, можно достичь невероятных высот. Достаточно посмотреть на современных политиков. Ложь делает жизнь намного проще, спасает от неприятностей, делает тебя лучше в глазах других, что позволяет эффектно манипулировать людьми.
3. Доверие для манипуляции людьми
«Доверие нужно нам для того, чтобы манипулировать людьми» Доктор Хаус
Как манипулировать людьми используя ощущение доверия? В английском языке человек, который манипулирует людьми, переводится как «игрок на доверии». Когда человек считает тебя близким, гораздо проще добиться чего-либо. Подражание, отражение жестов, откровение, дружеские отношения и психологическая подстройка, позволяет стать ближе. Этим часто пользуются мошенники, продавцы и психологи.
4. Жалость для манипуляции людьми
Как манипулировать людьми? Дави на жалость. Есть такой принцип не бить лежачего. Почти все люди милосердны и не будут довивать того, кому плохо. Умение вызвать жалость и страдание, поможет в нужной ситуации. Для манипуляции можно попросить помощи. Люди любят чувствовать себя благодетелями и покровителями. Девушки используют для манипуляции слезы и природную слабость. Мужчины тоже могут пользоваться жалостью женщин. Женщины любят спасать мужчин от их самих. Прекрасный пол достаточно сердоболен, что с удовольствием поможет мужчинам.
5. Гнев для манипуляции людьми
Гневом манипулятор запугивает собеседника, в затем подчиняет его. Грубая речь, крики, ворчание и злость. Когда собеседник боится, манипулятор может вертеть им как угодно. Многие люди создают репутацию сурового и злого человека. Это позволяет сламывать сопротивление заранее и без боя. Скверный и склочный характер может дать много плюсов, когда это надо. Гнев часто используют в любовных отношениях. Когда один партнер любит устраивать шумные разборки и плохо сдерживает гнев. Тогда вторая половина старается уступать и быть мягче.
Как еще манипулировать людьми? Используй ум. Побеждает тот, кто продумывает на большее количество шагов вперед.
How to manipulate people: 11 techniques
Do you want to know how to manipulate people? Read popular techniques of manipulation here.
After receiving numerous requests from my readers, I decided to write about a very delicate topic – «How to manipulate people?»
At first, I’d like to warn you that I’m not trying to teach you the skills of manipulation, no way!
Obviously, I hope that you’ll never encounter with a manipulator and won’t have to deal with his/her manipulative techniques. However, nowadays these people are everywhere, and I want you to learn to prevent the negative influence of a manipulator.
There are many ways to recognize manipulators around you. Maybe, you’ve even fallen victim to their manipulative behavior already, but didn’t know about the ways to deal with it. Today I’m going to explain you main principles of revealing a manipulative person.
My primary goal is to teach my readers to recognize manipulators at first glance, protect themselves from negative influence of such people and deal with their manipulative provocations!
However, I realized that in order to identify manipulators, I needed to try out some techniques of manipulation myself!
Hopefully, everyone knows the following saying: “These who cannot lie, cannot discern liers!” The same concerns manipulating other people and revealing manipulators in real life.
My goals here are quite noble: I want to teach you to identify and neutralize manipulators on real life examples. Besides, we’ll discuss several methods of dealing with manipulative techniques.
Moreover, I think that every person should learn to manipulate others and grasp all nuances of this behavioral principle. One cannot survive without such skills in modern world, especially if we are talking about manipulation business sphere! Manipulative behavior can be found everywhere around nowadays, thus I want to teach you to deal with manipulative people!
Manipulation is a special technique with the help of which one is able to influence others. It has the following outcomes: an object of manipulation changes his/her opinion or way of behavior, or even fulfills the orders of manipulator and suffers from numerous manipulative methods of influence.
11 ways to manipulate people
How to manipulate people. Tip # 1: Manipulation through love
There exist 3 love schemes:
Actually, the first scheme is very effective and it is very popular nowadays! It’s been widely used by manipulators everywhere!
A manipulator in the 1 st scheme is the one who is being influenced upon! Actually, an individual in love realizes that he/she is being manipulated upon, but cannot do anything about it because his/her feelings seem more important!
The 2 nd scheme of manipulation is the following: “Do you really love me? Then go there and do that!” I guess, such type of manipulation should not even be reviewed and discussed, it’s quite obvious.
The 3 rd scheme somehow resembles the 1 st one. In this case manipulative people act quite organized, and you may have difficulties dealing with them.
First of all, a manipulator sets a goal: e.g, meet an old millionaire, marry him, and then start acting according to the 1 st scheme. Such strategy is typical for girls who attend night clubs in order to hunt for rich men. 😉
How to manipulate people. Tip # 2: Manipulation through sympathy
«The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.»
Philip K. Dick
If you want to deal with manipulative people, you have to keep in mind that losers like being sympathized.
When we feel pity towards a loser, we are able to twist him/her around our little finger! Always be careful with people who feel sorry for you. Obviously, it doesn’t refer to all people in the world, but you have to be aware! Usually manipulators choose weak people and then practice their manipulative behavior on them. In order to deal with a manipulator you have to keep calm and firm.
Imagine such conversation with your colleague: “What have you done? Ok, you shouldn’t worry so much! Everybody is sinful, and we all error sometimes! Nobody is perfect, remember it! Come here, I’ll give you a hug!” When you say these words to your colleague, you win his/her respect and trust, thus, it will help you to make him/her do whatever you want! To some extent, you yourself become a manipulator!
How to manipulate people. Tip # 3: Manipulation through lies.
This type of manipulation is, probably, the most popular one.
Is it possible to make somebody believe in something? Well, there is no need to invent extraordinary ways to deal with manipulative people when you may simply lie to others.
Example: “Mom, somebody stole 100 dollars which you had given to me in the morning”. What do you think a mother will do in such case? Of course, she is going to give her beloved child more money, and thus, the child deceived mother by lying.
How to manipulate people. Tip # 4: Frequent repetition
Such method of manipulation is also very popular nowadays.
Probably, everybody knows the following saying: “Keep calling somebody a pig, and one day he’ll grunt!”
What about our favorite Zombie-set (TV-set)? This device has a great power of manipulation! Have you seen the following ad: “Buy your cell phone at “Hello” – get the best you’ll ever know!” It’s been shown thousand times per day, and what is the result? One day your cell phone breaks and you have to buy a new one. You start wandering from one store to another in search of a new phone when you finally remember that only “Hello” sells the best and the most reliable cell phones ever! It may sound silly, but this ad has actually affected you! Real professionals know the principles of being good manipulators, thus you should learn to avoid their manipulative influence.
Or we may go through another example: “Study well at school in order to enter the university, study thoroughly at the institute in order to get a highly-paid job, and then you’ll be happy for the rest of your life because you’ll have a job!” It vividly illustrates the way used by most parents in our country in order to deal with their children through manipulation. It is considered to be normal, but because of such norms most families are called average. Haven’t I told you about negative effect of manipulative behavior?
Such attitude leads to inability of children to act on their own, because they are afraid of their parents’ disapproval.
How to manipulate people. Tip # 5: Manipulation through care
This is another nuance which you need to know in order to deal with a manipulative person. Is there anybody who has not encountered with a following situation?
“I’ve washed the dishes and vacuumed the carpets to please my wife. Let my beloved have a rest, it’s her weekend, and she truly deserves it! Then I’ll hug my wife, kiss her and whisper on the ear: “Honey, I’d like to go to the sauna with my colleagues and relax a bit, because I’m so tired after today’s hard work!”
Keep in mind that if somebody takes too much care after you for no evident reason, something is wrong! It looks like somebody tries to manipulate you!
You may also notice a bunch of billboards all over the city with such words: “We are the most reliable company ever! We care about you, you’re our number one!” However, if you read between the lines, you may see the following: “Buy, our dear clients, buy more! Don’t let our efforts and money for this ad to be spent in vain!” Try to ignore such advertisements if you don’t want to fall victim to well-planned provocations of manipulators.
How to manipulate people. Tip # 6: Manipulation through seduction and temptation
I’m guess, everybody has been seduced at least once in a lifetime, am I right? Even if we know that we’re being manipulated upon, we cannot resist the influence of a manipulator.
Let’s review such example:
You’ve set a goal to clean your kitchen as soon as you’ll get home from work. And then your working day is over, you return home thinking only about your kitchen… and suddenly your manipulative friend calls and says: “Hello, dear, would you like to go the restaurant and have a glass of wine? I have so much to tell you!” At first you are trying to get out of the invitation: “I’m so sorry, Lena, but I have so much work to do! Besides, I’d like to go to bed earlier; I haven’t had a good sleep in a while already…” And then everything collapses, because your friend says smiling: “Come on, it’s my treat! By the way, I’ve already booked a table at the restaurant, so I’ll come for you in 10 minutes! Get ready quickly!”
Have you ever fallen victim to such trick? It is exactly what I’m talking about! After such conversation with your friend you’ll decide that your kitchen may wait for a week or two, and your sleep… well, you’ll be able to catch up on it when you retire! You aren’t able to resist the request of manipulator, thus you’re becoming a victim of manipulative behavior.
Besides, people are highly affected by such 101% effective slogans and attractive offers of manipulators: “Only today you can get 60% off! Only here! Don’t waste your chance!”
In order to deal with manipulative people and avoid their bad influence, try to have a firm answer to all their requests or reproaches.
How to manipulate people. Tip # 7: Manipulation through blackmailing
It is another method of manipulating people, and it’s used very frequently!
Here’s a simple example which illustrates the method of blackmailing children by their parents:
“You won’t receive your candy until you finish your breakfast!” Do you recognize such situation? Have your parents manipulated you by these words? Have you figured out the way to deal with such manipulative attitude?
I know another silly example, which is very frequently used.
A girl tells her boyfriend: “Well, when you buy me a diamond ring, I’m going to be yours. Until then you cannot even dream about me!”
How to manipulate people. Tip # 8: Manipulation through irritation and hysterics
Such principle is one of the most complicated ways to manipulate people; however, you should get acquainted with it if you want to deal with manipulators.
It consists in the intention of shattering a person’s composure. Obviously, an angry person has difficulties controlling his/her emotions and may say anything without giving it enough thought.
Keep in mind: the more somebody tries to quieten you after a conflict, the more vulnerable to manipulation you become.
The scheme is very simple: you drive a person crazy, and when he/she reaches a peak of irritation, you stop. Then you should start soothing your interlocutor. As soon as he/she feels OK again, you should start offering your own decision of the problem. In most cases given method is extremely effective! In order to deal with manipulative people, you have to foresee their next actions and try to prevent their manipulative provocations.
How to manipulate people. Tip # 9: Manipulation through flattery
It works greatly with people who have a high self-esteem. However, there is also one disadvantage about the method – it can be easily recognized!
How to manipulate people. Tip # 10: Manipulation through a person’s fears
The aim of the method of manipulating people is to find your victim’s fear and start using it for your own benefit. A person who is afraid of something cannot control his/her emotions well, and thus becomes too overwhelmed by his/her emotions and falls victim to manipulators.
Let’s review a real life example from business sphere:
We can persuade somebody that he/she will soon become a bankrupt, and thus should invest all money into somebody else’s developing business!
How to manipulate people. Tip # 11: Manipulation through the feeling of guilt
It is a principle which is frequently used by manipulative parents towards their children. As you know, parents are actually great manipulators!
For example, if a child does something bad, parents make their son or daughter stand in the corner. Doing this, they hope to avoid the repetition of the conflict, because their child will be ashamed of standing in the corner when everybody is watching.
The best object for manipulation is a person who feels ashamed of something, keep it in mind! The knowledge of that fact will help you to deal with a manipulative person.
How to deal with manipulative people: 6 methods
Every day we encounter with different manipulators, and it doesn’t really matter whether these manipulators are represented by the advertisements on TV, our boss or even by the member of our own family. On the contrary, very few of us know the ways to deal with manipulative people and foresee their next provocations.
How to deal with manipulative people. Method # 1: “A broken record”
Everybody who is aware of his/her own weakness and can easily fall victim to manipulator if he/she dares to start an extended conversation with a manipulative person. Then the manipulator won’t have difficulties finding your weak sides and get the best use of them. “A broken record” method will turn you into an invulnerable robot whose decision is firm and cannot be changed. If you follow this technique, you’ll confuse a manipulator right away.
When you recognize a manipulative person, you have to use only one phrase, and you should repeat it clearly for several times without changing its content. Besides, you should also keep the same friendly intonation and calm facial expression. It is a very important factor: whenever you expose your weakness or lose confidence, your interlocutor is going to carry the day. Thus, you have to do your best and hide your weakness from a manipulator.
“Masha, tomorrow we are going to the countryside, we need to trim our garden”. — “Mom, I’m sorry but I have important plans for tomorrow and I won’t be able to go with you”. — “What kind of plans? I’m not going to lug heavy loads on my own!” — “Mom, I’m sorry but I have important plans for tomorrow and I won’t be able to go with you”. — “Stop harping on the same tune! Don’t you have any mercy on your mother? I don’t want to hear anything about your plans!” — “Mom, I’m sorry but I have important plans for tomorrow and I won’t be able to go with you”. Sooner or later your conversation will come to a logic end. Usually manipulators give up when their manipulative methods of influence fail. Obviously, your mom may feel offended, but you’ll get rid of the necessity to lug heavy loads and visit your countryside cottage. Thus, you’ll avoid the influence of the manipulator and prevent his/her manipulative behavior.
How to deal with manipulative people. Method # 2: “True feelings”
People, who are ready to warn the manipulator that they have foreseen all their provocations, and don’t plan on giving up. Manipulators rarely express their true feelings, and it can be easily noticed if you take a closer look at the body of a manipulative person. Usually such people’s gestures and movements are uncoordinated; e.g., a manipulator may smile with fists clenched together.
When a manipulator tries to have his/her way, honestly express your feelings. You may say “I don’t believe you” or address to other people around you in order to reveal a manipulator and prevent him/her from using manipulative techniques.
“Katya, I don’t have a slightest clue what this document is about. Will you help me to translate it? Everybody knows about your great language skills!” — “Nina, I don’t believe that you don’t understand this text. You’ve got perfect knowledge of English!” — “But Katya, I’m not feeling well today, I cannot understand a word!” — “Girls, I think Nina wants me to do all the work instead of her! No way, you cannot make a fool of me!” Revealing a manipulator to your colleagues you’ll teach them to deal with manipulative behavior.
How to deal with manipulative people. Method # 3: “Walking through the mist”
Everybody, who has to work, live or communicate with manipulative people, and to deal with their critical attitude.
When somebody is trying to criticize you, don’t try to argue with this person, otherwise you may be covered with the avalanche of his/her reproaches. Try to agree with words of manipulative people, but only with those statements which you consider to be true. And only afterwards you may explain your own opinion to the manipulator.
“You come home late every single night! Yesterday we wanted to have dinner together with you, but couldn’t wait till you return home. Then we planned to host a party, but you weren’t there either! When we started to rent this apartment, we were thinking about a more friendly and hospitable neighbor!” — “Well, yes, I didn’t come in time for dinner or party. Moreover, tomorrow I’ll be late again; I have a date, so I’d recommend you to start dinner without me”.
How to deal with manipulative people. Method # 4: “Look at this bird flying by!”
People who can easily deal with manipulators and even enjoy playing the so-called game named “try to manipulate the manipulator”. However, in this case your goal is not to become a manipulative person yourself, but to protect yourself and other people from such provocations.
If a manipulator demands something from you, pretend that you don’t have a clue what he/she is talking about. You can use the following response: “I don’t understand what you mean. Can you explain one more time?” Those manipulators, who have certain problems with logic, usually give up immediately when asked to repeat their demand or reproach. If you don’t want to continue the conversation, you’d better end it right away – it’s the simplest way to deal with a manipulative person.
“Yulya, I’ve been trying to reach you over the phone for six times today! You won’t believe me; I’ve just spoken with him! You won’t guess how he has talked to me! His attitude is disgusting!” — “Well, honey, your beloved is surely not easy to deal with! As for me, I’ve just bought myself a new skirt! It’s so cute, it has ruffles and it’s crimson!” — “You won’t guess, what he told me! He said that he cannot stand me anymore!” — “And I found a matching belt as well. It’s a very nice thin belt of light-pink color! What shoes would you recommend me to wear with it?”
How to deal with manipulative people. Method # 5: “Stop-go”
Everybody, who is able to recognize manipulators, but doesn’t know how to deal with them. If we try to find a similar type of behavior in real nature, we’ll see that animals also use the position of standing still when they see a bigger opponent.
If it is possible, try to avoid communicating with a manipulative person. If you aren’t able to do that, just ignore such people.
“Oh, aren’t you the sweetest thing in this office? My name is Alexander; I’m your new colleague. We have a tradition that all new girls at our office make me coffee. Come on; make me a cup of coffee, quickly!” No reaction. “Are you out of your mind? Make me a cup of coffee, please!” No reaction. “Well, then, can I at least get to know what are you doing right now?” — “I’m preparing important documents at the moment; I’ll give them to you in ten minutes”. — “And what about coffee?” No reaction. Obviously, the manipulator will not get the message immediately, but he’ll surely start making coffee himself. Thus, you won’t have to deal with his/her manipulative attitude anymore.
How to deal with manipulative people. Method # 6: “You will be okay”
Kind-hearted but strong people, who won’t allow anybody to manipulate them and will try to protect everybody else from such provocations as well.
You should convince a manipulative person that you want him/her to feel comfortable and properly treated, but you won’t allow him/her to make use of your hospitable attitude.
“Oh, God, what a trouble I got myself into! I have to clear up a whole bookcase, full of documents! I don’t have a clue where to start and the way to deal with it!” — “I’m very sorry for you, but I think that after you have some rest, you’ll manage to fulfill this task. Let’s go, I’ll make you a cup of tea”.
Keep in mind: manipulators can be found practically everywhere, thus you have to do your best in order to reveal a manipulative person and deal with his/her provocations.
When you are able to prevent manipulative behavior, you’ll never fall victim to these dishonest people.
Hopefully, you’ll make use of all recommendations above and learn to recognize a manipulative person, deal with his/her attitude and prevent possible provocations from manipulators! Good luck with it!
Manipulative people: 6 things they do (and how to handle them)
There’s no denying that relationships are complicated.
Whether you are talking about friendships, family relationships, or romantic encounters, the relationships in our lives can either enrich our experience on earth, or make it terrible.
When faced with a manipulating person, it can feel like you are trapped.
Manipulating people can be hard to spot, and even harder to deal with because they have a knack for making you feel like you are the problem.
If you have found yourself in the presence of someone who is manipulating you, or you suspect they might be, here’s how you can tell.
1) They believe their approach is the right one.
Someone who is hell-bent on manipulating another person is going to stand their ground, no matter what.
They tend to be very vocal about how their approach to a particular problem or situation is the only one that will work and they need everyone to get on board.
There are several reasons for this; particularly, manipulating people need to control the situation and what people see in order to remain in control.
If they are lying about something or they are trying to cover something up, staying in control is the best way to ensure they are not found out.
According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today, manipulative people “truly believe that their way of handling a situation is the only way because it means that their needs are being met, and that’s all that matters.”
If you feel like you are dealing with someone who never gives you an inch even if you give them a mile, you might have a classic manipulator on your hands.
2) They cross lines in your relationship.
Manipulators will do everything in their power to get you to feel small and unworthy of their attention and love.
They’ll cross lines that make you question your sanity and you’ll end up feeling like the demise of your relationship is your fault.
Sharon Martin says in Psych Central that “people who are manipulative, narcissistic and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries.”
Manipulators cross boundaries to get their own way.
And if you don’t have boundaries yourself, then you might be a prime target for a manipulative person.
If you have people in your life who are trying to manipulate you, then you simply have to learn to stand up for yourself.
Because you do have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is Ideapod’s extremely powerful free masterclass on love and intimacy.
In this 60-minute masterclass, world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you to identify manipulative people in your life so that you can be empowered to make a change. Most importantly, he’ll also teach you a powerful framework which you can start applying today to truly free yourself from them.
The thing is, Rudá Iandê isn’t your typical shaman.
While he does spend time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, sing shamanic songs and bang his drums, he’s different in an important way. Rudá has made shamanism relevant for modern day society.
He communicates and interprets its teachings for people living regular lives. People like me and you.
A word of warning. The teachings Rudá landê shares in this masterclass aren’t for everyone. He doesn’t help you to avoid your fears or sugarcoat what’s happening in your life.
This masterclass is for you if you appreciate honest and direct advice and want to be honest with yourself about what’s needed to change your life.
3) They blame you for their problems.
If you are dealing with someone you think might be manipulating you, consider how many times you walk away from a conversation with them feeling bad about yourself or feeling guilty about making their situation worse.
This is known as “gaslighting” where manipulation is used to get people to question themselves and what they did wrong.
Therapist Sharie Stines says in Time that if you’re being gaslighted, you might feel a sense of guilt or defensiveness – like you’ve done something wrong.
In reality, this is what Stines calls “manipulators blame” because “they don’t take responsibility”.
If you are dealing with a manipulator, both of these statements will be true. Manipulators have a way of skirting blame and pointing fingers at other people.
They’ll blame you and other people for everything from why they don’t make enough money in their jobs to why they couldn’t get concert tickets on Saturday night.
They are master artists when it comes to ensuring that they have no responsibility for their own lives.
4) They play on your emotions.
Manipulative people are cunning and sly and can work a situation or a work with a sense of confidence that makes you feel icky.
Not only do they undermine people right in front of them, but they also have a tendency to make you feel bad about your emotions.
When you feel sad, they have a cunning way of making you feel sad that you feel sad.
According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP in Health Line, if you’re upset, a manipulative person may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings.
They may use phrases like “If you really loved me, you’d never question me” or “I couldn’t take that job. I wouldn’t want to be away from my kids so much.”
They make you feel guilty when you try to talk to them about their ways and they make you feel less worthy of things you already have and relationships that otherwise felt like they were going well.
If they know you are an emotional person, they’ll use that against you in order to get the upper hand.
5) It feels like you are talking to a brick wall.
Manipulative and conniving types are hard and fast in their thinking. It’s a defense mechanism, but it is also a tool that they use to gain control of the situation.
If you approach someone who you believe is manipulating you and you try to talk to them, they’ll shut down.
Preston Ni M.S.B.A. says in Psychology Today that manipulative people tend to partake in the “playing dumb game”:
“By pretending she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do, the manipulator/passive-aggressive makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat.”
Often, they’ll turn the conversation on you and make you feel like a bad person for even bringing it up in the first place.
They’ll just sit there looking smug and be short with you, saying things such as, “yup, okay, fine, great, mmmhmmm.”
It’s annoying and makes you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere with them.
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6) What they say and what they do don’t match.
The best way to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you or is a manipulative person, in general, is to watch their actions.
If they say one thing and do another, it’s likely that they are trying to hide something or are not true to their word.
According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today to spot a manipulative people you should “characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. Always remember that what a person says and does are two very separate things.”
We can’t always understand why people do the things they do, but one thing is for sure: if someone is lying to you about where they are, what they have been doing, or who they have been with, something’s not right.
The hard part about being manipulated is that you are left reeling from being taken advantage of, and at the same time, you are left trying to deal with someone who doesn’t live up to their word.
(Manipulative and toxic people can only ruin your life if you let them. Learn how to stand up for yourself by embracing your inner beast. Find out how in Ideapod’s free masterclass)
Take Back Control: How to Deal with Manipulative People
It takes all kinds of people to make this world an interesting place.
Respecting and loving each other is always the goal, but sometimes, we counter people who seem to be doing things on purpose so that we’ll neither respect them, nor love them.
People who have a tendency to manipulate often don’t have close relationships, but the ones they do have are lived on eggshells and the tension is palpable.
If you are trying to deal with someone who is manipulating you, you’ve got a few choices. The first is to decide to do something about it.
The second is to be willing to walk away from whatever situation that is in order to ensure your safety.
Manipulation is about power, control, and in some cases, cruelty.
Here are 5 tips to help you deal with manipulative people:
1) Get angry
Here’s a piece of counter-intuitive advice if you want to break free from manipulative people: get angry with them.
I think getting angry can be an excellent catalyst for making real change in your life. Including moving on from manipulative people.
Before I explain why, I have a question for you:
How do you deal with your anger?
If you’re like most people, then you suppress it. You focus on having good feelings and thinking positive thoughts.
That’s understandable. We’ve been taught our whole lives to look on the bright side. That the key to happiness is simply to hide your anger and visualize a better future.
Even today, positive thinking is what most mainstream personal development “gurus” preach.
But what if I told you that everything you’ve been taught about anger is wrong? That anger — properly harnessed — could be your secret weapon in a productive and meaningful life?
Shaman Rudá Iandê has totally changed how I view my own anger. He taught me a new framework for turning my anger into my greatest personal power.
I recently took this masterclass myself where I discovered:
Taking charge of my anger and making it a productive force has been a game changer in my own life.
Rudá Iandê taught me that being angry isn’t about blaming others or becoming a victim. It’s about using the energy of anger to build constructive solutions to your problems and making positive changes to your own life.
Here’s a link to the masterclass again. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached.
2) Level the playing field.
When it comes to dealing with someone who is manipulating you, the first step in dealing with them is to make sure you are in a safe place.
Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP, offers some great advice in Psychology Today:
“If you need to disengage, be sure to set physical limits: Leave the room, exit the apartment, or lock the door. Stop the car, or refuse to drive with the other person. Spend time with the person only when a third party is present. Stop reading his or her emails or texts. Set limits that will preserve your safety, as well as your peace of mind.”
Before you confront someone who is manipulative, make a date to go to a local coffee shop or restaurant where they can’t get overly outrageous and freak out on you.
This kind of atmosphere will also help to keep your own emotions in check because once you let the floodgates go, you might be overcome with rage or frustration.
It’s best to ensure that your conversation happens in a place where you can speak frankly, but without making a scene.
If your manipulator is physically hurting you, this is also the safest way to deal with them.
Classic manipulators and abusers don’t look like they would hurt a fly, but behind closed doors, others are not safe.
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3) Avoid blame.
When you sit down to talk about how you have been feeling and what you have been seeing, be sure to not blame them for their actions.
Sure, they need to take responsibility for the way they treat you, but you don’t need to blame them to get them to own up to it.
According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP in Health Line “don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t play this game.”
The truth is that if someone knows they are manipulating you, they’ll be very unlikely to stop. If, however, you suspect that this person has no idea how they are treating you, ensuring you don’t place blame can go a long way in reopening the relationship.
Not all manipulators set out to hurt people. Many just work with what they have to turn the situation in their favor; a conversation about how you feel can help turn the tides back to an equal playing field.
4) Hold your ground.
If, of course, you find yourself confronted with a true manipulator who is going to great lengths to make your life miserable, you’ll need to hold your ground when you confront them about it.
This means that no matter what happens, you will stand up for yourself and be clear about what you will and will not put up with.
Preston Ni M.S.B.A. in Psychology Today offers some great advice:
“The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights.”
It’s tricky to advise on what is the right answer about how people should be treated because everyone needs something different, so if you feel like what you are getting is not good enough or is hurting you in some way, say it.
And then stand your ground. Don’t let them twist and turn the situation so that you look like the bad guy – classic manipulator moe.
Don’t stand for that kind of treatment. Decide ahead of time what the consequences are for this person choosing not to obey your requests.
[Holding your ground is a key aspect of mental resilience. To dive deep into how to be more mentally tough, check out Hack Spirit’s eBook on how to be more mentally tough here]
5) Be clear about what you believe is happening.
An important part about dealing with someone who has manipulative tendencies is that you need to be very clear about what they are doing that is hurting you and how they are doing it.
You don’t need to try to explain it away, and you don’t need to ask them questions about why they do the things they do.
You do, however, need to make sure you can give examples of how they have been treating you and how you would prefer to be treated.
It’s not an easy conversation to have and the likelihood of them attacking you as a way to protect themselves is quite high.
When it comes to dealing with a manipulative person, you need to be clear about what you want, need, and expect from them. If they can’t deliver, it might be time to move on.
When you’re talking with a manipulative person, Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP reminds that it’s important that you stick to our original point:
“If the other person tries to pivot to another topic, confuse the issue, or shift the responsibility onto you, don’t be distracted. In confrontations like these, you’re very likely to be emotionally provoked or overstimulated, but try to stick to your original point.”
If you want to learn more about the signs of manipulative people and how to deal with them, watch this video we made on traits of a conniving person and how to deal with them.
You may also like reading:
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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Written by Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.
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