How to self suck
How to self suck
How to suck your own dick: everything you need to know
By Screen Shot
Oct 31, 2020
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Let’s be honest here, if you have a penis (or even for those of you who don’t) you must have wondered if it was possible to suck your own dick, and if so, how to do it. Perhaps you even tried it once or twice in a desperate attempt to taste the forbidden fruit; achieve the unachievable; reach for the stars—you get where this is going—but never succeeded. Well, don’t worry about it anymore. Here are the best tips on how to suck your own dick.
Some men are born with the gift of self-pleasure, also called autofellatio or self-fellatio. Yes, you read that right, there are some men out there who actually bridge that gap and who aren’t even contortionists or over enthusiasts who went through surgery to take out a few ribs in order to fold in half as many people on Reddit speculate about Marilyn Manson.
Relax, loosen up
We’re not saying you need to be a renowned yogi to suck your penis but we can’t stress the importance of stretching enough. Before trying anything near your fella, make sure to stretch your neck. Try to spend a week working on figuring out how far you can stretch your torso and your neck. Some people also recommend having a warm bath beforehand so you can really loosen up those tense muscles.
Being thin makes it easier
We don’t do body-shaming here, but here are the facts: it’s much easier to reach your penis if you don’t have a belly blocking the way. Dick size doesn’t matter that much but body type helps.
Pick a position beforehand
According to some autofellatio pros, picking the right position is crucial in attempting this. Some prefer to lay on their back and lift their heels in the air, others prefer a seated position where they bend at the waist and bring their head down. Try different positions in order to find the one that will bring you to the promised land of penis sucking.
Get hard
The harder, the better. Maximum rigidity is necessary for someone to close the gap. Whatever you need to do, keep your stiffy saluting even if your neck hurts. No pain, no gain as you know.
Get someone to help
We know, it’s weird enough to attempt this on your own, so asking your mate or your partner is even weirder (it might even be very offensive to the one who usually does the work for you). But a gentle push in order for you to reach the finish line might be the one thing you’re missing. This step is not necessary but keep it in mind if you get really desperate.
Be prepared for the aftermath
If you succeed, which we believe you will, there are strong chances that you won’t be able to keep it to yourself. Keep in mind that as soon as you let your friends know of your newly found talent, they undoubtedly will demand you show them your trick at any given occasion.
Another aftermath you should be prepared for is quite evident: reaching climax and therefore cumming, probably in your mouth. Most straight guys haven’t experienced this before, so it might be surprising. Nothing to worry about though.
Enjoy
That’s it from us. Start stretching, open a new PornHub tab, and good luck!
How To Stop Sucking and Become The BEST Version of Your Self
How To Be a YOU You’re proud of…
I once asked my husband Jonathan Chew that age-old question,
“I think it’s really all about one thing. One thing only. We have to learn to become the best version of ourselves…”
Ahhh. Life would be kind of meaningless without growth, without learning, without setting goals.
Without bettering ourselves and others, we’d simply be unchanging blobs of consumerism and waste…
We would really suck.
Stop Consuming. Start Doing.
“We no longer live life. We consume it.” ― Vicki Robin
Have you ever had one of those days?
…You know which ones I’m talking about…
You slip into your comfiest of sweatpants, order a pizza, and lounge on the couch for the day, watching reruns of shows on Netflix…
Don’t get me wrong, in small doses, days like this can be a clean break and a well-needed rest from our routines.
But I would argue that we never really feel good after a day like this, at least not in the same way as it feels to graduate top of our class, or help out a friend in need…
Because I believe humans weren’t meant to be consumers.
Humans were meant to be doers. They were meant to be achievers. They were meant to be learners and growers and helpers.
They were meant to be more than just blobs.
Set Goals that Focus on Growth, Not Outcome
Want to know the real destination of our goals, the real result we get from them?
It’s not about the things we obtain, it’s about the journey we go on!
Tony Robbins argues that we don’t really pursue goals to get things, we pursue goals to get a better version of ourselves…
“The only reason we really pursue goals is to cause ourselves to expand and grow. Achieving goals by themselves will never make us happy in the long term; it’s who you become, as you overcome the obstacles necessary to achieve your goals, that can give you the deepest and most long-lasting sense of fulfillment.” — Tony Robbins
Tony Robbins often tells people to try and set goals that focus on purpose rather than outcome. For example:
The goal to make a million dollars
will never be as fulfilling to us as:
The goal to be financially free
What we can really take with us, wherever we go, no matter what happens to us, is what we’ve learned, who we’ve become.
We may as well start becoming the best version of ourselves now…
Surround Yourself with People you Want to be Like
“People can poison people; people can also promote people. People can push people up; people can also pull people down. Don’t just follow people cheerfully; follow people carefully!”
Have you heard it before? I know I have:
If you don’t have 5 great people to be around physically in your life, there are so many other ways and resources to spend time with the greats!
It’s never too late to pick up a biography, or watch a TED talk, or read an interview involving the person you look up to!
When we start to mirror successful people’s patterns and attitudes, they become our own. When we surround ourselves with the people we want to be like, we naturally become like them.
And it works the other way around too…
In her book Profit From The Positive, Margaret Greenberg goes on to explain this more with something called Social Contagion Theory — which basically explains that emotions circulate!
Humans are hardwired to mimic each other (in facial expressions, in mood, in every kind of behavior.) That’s why something like a bad mood can seem to spread like a plague…
We have to be careful. We have to cheat the system. We have to overcome this.
We can surround ourselves with the people we want to be like. We can find the people who have already solved the problems that we have now.
It works on a subconscious level. We simply surround to become.
“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards. They either help us to become the best version of ourselves or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves. We become like our friends. No man becomes great on his own. No woman becomes great on her own. The people around them help to make them great.”
― Matthew Kelly, The Rhythm of Life: Living Every Day with Passion and Purpose
Do Things For You. Not your Newsfeed.
In his book Happiness: Lessons from a New Science, Richard Layard talks about how a lot of people in the world have never had it better than they have it now. The average income has double in the US since the 1950s… but happiness has not.
We have more depression, more alcohol consumption, more suicide, etc…
“External effects are everywhere. Almost every major transaction we make affects other people who are not a party to the transaction. When someone buys a Lexus, he sets a new standard for the street. When a firm advertises a Barbie doll, it creates a want that was not there before.”
Unfortunately these external effects are incredibly magnified even more with our digital presence and social media nowadays.
Everyone is next door. Everyone is on our same street. The pressure is on.
When it comes to social media, not only is there a pressure to post, but there’s also a pressure to keep up with the Joneses, who just did this or just went there…
When we buy into this idea, we seek to replicate only the shiny parts of someone’s life, not the reality.
It’s as if we’re looking at a Photoshopped picture of someone in a magazine and expecting our bodies to look the same way.
We do this with our daily lives, our daily actions, and it’s killing us…
Be Unapologetically YOU
“ Don’t dilute yourself for any person or any reason. You are enough! Be unapologetically you.”
Never be ashamed. Never think you’re not enough…
By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before.
“Your life is your party. You get to choose how you invite people and experiences and things into it.”
It’s your life! No one can live it but you!
Sincero goes on to name a few more things we can do to make our life the best party for ourselves, how we can embrace our own inner badass:
“You are magic. Don’t ever apologize for the fire within you.”
It’s Never Too Late…
“Once upon a time, began the story of you.
Many perilous, wonderful, harrowing, brilliant, delightful, profound things happened.
And yet — the most exciting twists and best turns are yet to come. And it absolutely does not matter how old or young you are.
Like a bright carpet of wonders, enjoy the unrolling of your story.”
Call To Action
As Maya Angelou once said,
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
There’s a difference between surviving and thriving in life. To become the best version of yourself is to go on a lifelong journey. One filled with growth, learning, and hope…
As long as you’re moving forward, even if it’s in baby steps, that means you’re growing. You’re living. You’re one step closer to becoming the best version of yourself.
One last thing…
If you liked this article, click the 💚 below to help spread the message.
solosuck forums!
Hi! Welcome to the Auto-Fellatio Kingdom Self-Suck Bulletin Board. I hope people will use it make connections and initiate discussions on one of the most pressing topics of our day; solo cock-sucking. If this is your first visit, please read «Guide for newcomers» below. Enjoy! Al Eingang
Post by StrategicSS » Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:40 pm
Hey guys (and gals, this is for you too. Just read on, and you will see why!),
This is my first post, and I’m a new member as well. But I’m not new to self-sucking.
When I was 15, I could only lick the tip of my head (which obviously doesn’t count). I gave myself a minor back and neck strain (which only lasted a few hours), which made me afraid of breaking my neck. So I quit. Then when I was 23, I thought I would try again. I’m 30 now, and have learned quite a bit about how to get down with hardly any pain. I need to also mention that I am only 6.5 to 6.75 inches fully erect. But even if I was only 4 inches, I could still get all of me inside my mouth because I can touch my #2 trimmed pubic hair with my lips when I’m warmed up enough to have fun.
I will note that I am not in any way flexible naturally. My body has a hard time holding on to minerals, which puts me at a huge disadvantage to the more privileged. I also do NOT encourage people to do excessive yoga exercises, as they are really ineffective compared to proper nutrition. They can be useful, but most stretches I have seen are not only unnecessary, but they can actually make your back too sore to actually go down on yourself and enjoy it when the time comes. If you «go straight for it», taking nutrients along the way to loosen yourself up, you can not only reach your goal, but you can have longer sessions and not burn out from pain or tiredness because you did so many fancy stretches beforehand. You can do the hard work, (mostly) pain-free in a relatively short period of time (compared to what you are used to, if you are experienced—this is not your first time to falsely think that if you cannot suck it with a few tries, then you give up.)
Has anyone ever considered taking vitamins and minerals a few hours before or even during a session to help their body naturally contort into the desired position? Because that’s my main strategy. (Hence my username.)
Yes force and stretches are always involved, but the idea is that, as you are stretching, a certain part of your back is stiff. You take a supplement, and then magically within 30 seconds, that part of your back has loosened up. (See note (*).) To then stretch again (this time, your mouth is closer to your treasure) and find that ANOTHER part of your back is stiff. Stubborn thing! But soon enough, you are at the closest you have EVER gotten. Then if you have a partner to assist you or if you know how to force more distance, then you will be closer than ever before! Don’t get me wrong, every day is a building block. This takes TIME, but it can be done safely with little to no pain.
*You may find it hard to believe that taking a nutrient works so quickly, but if you have strong stomach acid and a good digestive system, then this will be the case. If you don’t have strong stomach acid, then there are ways (supplements) to make it so. Of course, it’s important to not only not eat several hours before a session to decrease the size of your belly, but also to absorb nutrients quickly. (In addition, if you don’t have strong stomach acid, then you need to look into getting some for your overall health. In addition, suddenly getting back your full fill of stomach acid can cause gastritis, so you probably would have to look into gut health remedies and the like BEFORE you seriously think about doing any of what I am hinting at. In (my) theory, I figured that someone who has overall physical health should be able to self-suck without any physical shocks. So, if your cortisol shoots through the roof when you self-suck, something is off and you need to fix it. If your digestive system is weak, you need to fix it because without the ability to ABSORB what you take, you cannot create a healthy back for this type of contortion. You risk serious injury not only to your spine, but to your nervous system, muscles, tendons, etc. But if you get that right (or are healthy), then this statement applies (will apply) to you.
(The only «pain» you experience is the brief moments in which you are discovering which parts of your back are stiff before you give yourself the proper nutrient to relieve that stiffness. So the idea is to not force it if you have pain. If you have neck pain, STOP the session. Wait a few days and rethink your positioning. If you have back pain, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end the session. If that pain is in fact just the result of stiffness, then that «pain» will not be felt again, once that stiffness is relieved with the respective nutrient(s). If this concept is new to you and you are having trouble with excessive back stiffness, then it’s very possible that your back needs some repair. These nutrients will do the trick, but you have to endure a few sessions of not getting any real sexual gratification. They will function as your own physical therapy sessions. But the good news is, unlike regular disaster sessions which don’t bring you any sexual gratification, these will enable you to get some pretty soon. But rest in between sessions and being smart about not lifting on heavy things in between those sessions will help you to build yourself up.)
I get it that we have stressful days and STIFF days, but I claim that, as long as your belly is small enough, you haven’t eaten (anything moderate to heavy) within 5 hours of the start of your session, you can pretty much take different nutrients to go from completely stiff to completely loose. (Obviously, you shouldn’t be injured either. However, by using this strategy, you can possibly use self-sucking/self-licking as physical therapy if you have a minor injury which can indeed be cured with proper nutrition and physical therapy.) I regret to say that I have never tried warm baths (I hate baths, so yeah. But taking warm showers doesn’t help me nearly like what I am proposing.) to loosen myself up, but I am betting that my strategy is more effective than any external stimulation. (Sure, if you live in North Dakota and it’s February, you might want to make sure your environment is wam enough that you’re not thinking how cold it is, LOL.) But combine my strategy with those strategies, and maybe the sky is the limit. I’m still learning myself (I want to eventually be the first to lick my own asshole, but I know that if it is possible, I still have some work to do!)
In addition, even if you are loose enough and flexible enough and have not eaten any food for 5 hours (or more), good old gastro reflux can also get in the way. Well I figured out how to prevent that obstacle as well. (And I’m not suggesting to take antacids. it’s quite the opposite, for those who don’t know about nutrition. I have NEVER taken antacids for this.) And even if you get gastro reflux during a session, it can be neutralized within 10 minutes or less by taking certain nutrients and taking a short break.
I guess my audience is more geared towards those who wish to simply self suck with little to no pain, given that they already forced the ability from taking serious pain in the past. However, given that how stiff and sore I am some nights from the start to how I end with being able to lick my taint in the end, I believe this strategy could do wonders for those who can just currently lick the tip of their head. It can also give them a chance to greatly reduce their chance of injury, pulling muscles, etc. to not experience the immense pain that I did (even back when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. of which I have pretty much gotten rid of with the very natural supplements that I use to self-suck with little pain.)
And then also there is the real bitch. the aftermath! Like, getting serious muscle cramps the next day. Well, I also know of how to use some of the same nutrients to minimize that so that you can go about your next day relatively easily. (I’m hinting that it’s smart to do this before you go to sleep, not in the beginning or middle of the day! I’ve also heard somewhere that we are all more flexible at night, but my strategy is fortunately not contingent on this fact/myth. It’s just common sense that when you do something this intense, you should allow your body to repair itself IMMEDIATELY. It also is common sense to do this on a night of which you are off from work the next day.)
And I’m talking about nutrients. no pain killers, no ibuprofen (I haven’t taken even Tylenol in like 15 years), etc. Completely natural. The idea is to not just have a one-night stand. But to protect the body so that one can have meaningful self suck sessions 7-10 times a month. (No, you cannot do this everyday. you need to give your body time to repair. Like all contortion, you are literally lengthening your muscles. So you need to get enough protein and rest in between sessions! The more time in between sessions, the easier it is to not FORCE it. But with my strategy, you can definitely «force it» on days when you know you should not be stiff or sore, but are for no good reason. My strategy enables you to «make the conditions right» as you know they ought to be if you took care of yourself from your last session.)
I also use a few «props» to help me out as well.
All in all, if I was a girl, I am positive I could lick my own clit by using this strategy. This strategy «gives you the confidence/guts» to push yourself far beyond what most (sane) people would do because you are giving your body support to do what you want it to do at the very moments in which you want to do it. Very little abuse. I have actually become healthier from my nutrient-forced sessions. My back has actually gotten straight (thank this age with computers with the tendency for forward-head posture), etc.
If no one has done this before, should I start a new topic on the subject (since this is a mega thread)?
Post by Phoenixedger » Thu May 09, 2019 4:59 pm
Post by StrategicSS » Thu May 09, 2019 10:14 pm
I just wrote (typed) the following on to anatomy images from iStock photos (to avoid any copyright issues).
Post by Phoenixedger » Fri May 10, 2019 5:38 pm
Post by StrategicSS » Fri May 10, 2019 6:22 pm
It depends on what’s getting in your way. So the short answer is, yes and no.
Note:
Please read the entire list, because what you might think is «pain» might just be «tightness». You have to be very in tune with what your body needs.
Whatever supplement you choose to try, if it’s a capsule, please OPEN the capsule and either pour the contents in a glass (with very little water) or pour the contents directly into your mouth mix it with your saliva and swallow it (for maximum and quick absorption). Also, I generally (personally and generally) prefer my minerals in tablet form, as I absorb them better for some reason that way.
Nutrients compete with each other for absorption. An abnormal amount of any nutrient can cause the level of other nutrients to deplete. I have expressed this in the above list with Taurine & B6, Vitamin B1 & bamboo silica, calcium & magnesium, manganese & iron, copper & zinc, DHEA & zinc, l-histidine & zinc & copper, etc.
This is a real issue, so TAKE CARE, DO YOUR RESEARCH, and have fun!
In short, I am not responsible for any side effects or injuries which you may experience.
Self Suck
Can a guy self suck & still be straight?
Let’s just say that he’s bi-flexible. What guy—straight or gay—hasn’t tried to suck himself more than once, just to see if things have improved since the last self-suck failed attempt?
Some of us were suck-cessful.
Ok, it was 50 years and 50 lbs ago, but I could do it.
Most of us blame being unable to self suck on not being flexible enough.
However, boys, the real reason is that our dicks just are not long enough.
R4 = Intellectually gifted
Of course, why not? It’s just a more athletic form of masturbation.
Man, was I drink last night. my back hurts, too.
of course they can be straight. It’s a form of masturbation. Not every guy who jacks himself off is gay. I know, sucking oneself probably seems particularly gay, but still, I don’t doubt that if a straight guy could suck himself out, he’d do it regularly and enthusiastically and not for one moment want to do the same to another guy, just like he doesn’t want to jerk off another guy.
Not being able to self suck is a cruel joke inflicted upon men by Mother Nature.
I lost my virginity to myself at age 16. It was wonderful and it tasted and felt SO damn good! Love the cock forever!
What if you could self rim!
What about self-fucking? Gay?
I would hope so. It would be such a shame to not.
Maybe he is just a solosexual.
Does anyone know where this is from? It is really hot! The link is NSFW
That dude is really talented, R17. He appears to be texting with the other hand!
Speaking of self-fucking, presenting the AMAZINGLY HOT Jason Crew.
There’s a HOT Arpad Miklos (RIP) self-suck video on the ‘net. He spooges all over his face, and neck, and then goes to a mirror and licks the cum off on it.
Hot blue collar worker sucking his own cock. Don’t strain your neck watching the vid, though! 😉
Arpad Miklos & Ricky Martinez (for R22).
Now I’m wondering if he can still do it. I’ll ask him about it. He’ll get a laugh out of me bringing it up.
Check out this hot stud
If you keep a slim waist and keep your body limber, you’ll have no problem with this.
If anyone on here is on Englishlads, check out the Aaron Read videos from around 2009 or 2010. He was a supposedly straight self sucker. But when given the chance he couldn’t get his mouth on another guy fast enough. The videos were nothing special, but the hot thing about the first one where he sucked with Kev was how he absolutely looked like he NEEDED Kev’s cock. He really nursed it, and then when Kev took it out to cum Aaron looked heartbroken, like a baby who dropped his lolly. LOL
I dreamed about being able to do this when I was a teenager.
This is like asking if a guy can masturbate and still be straight.
[quote]If you keep a slim waist and keep your body limber, you’ll have no problem with this.
Too many guys just let themselves get out of shape so they can’t enjoy this.
This thread needs to gain more traction.
The HOT blue collar guy at R23 is gone! NO.
Can a person be too stupid to live?
[quote]Most of us blame being unable to self suck on not being flexible enough. However, boys, the real reason is that our dicks just are not long enough.
A lot of people say being fat is caused by eating too much. However, the real reason is they people is not doodooing enough.
R25, did you ever ask your brother about it?
One of my good friends in high school could do it (he proved it to us one drunken night)
So can any of these self-suckers reach the base of their cocks? It would be kind of a tease, I guess you could say edging, to be able to suck the shaft but not be able to reach the base, or especially to suck the tip but not the shaft.
Is this really a question we need answered?
I used to be able to.
I could get the head in my mouth when I was a thin teen, sucked out many loads like that.
Eww! Not only are you a Janet Jackson hater, but you’re a perv as well!
Go finger yourself as u lay by yourself listening to Rhythm Nation
[quote]If you keep a slim waist and keep your body limber, you’ll have no problem with this.
If only that was the case. I’ve never been able to self suck even though I was very thin and was very flexible due to practicing yoga when younger. I couldn’t get my 7″ even close to my mouth and I guess even with a 9″ it wouldn’t have been possible.
A friend, not that limber straight dude, sucked his own 7″ a lot when younger. He claimed to have stopped it in his early 20s but I’m not sure I believed him. He thought it was a bit embarrassing although the only thing I felt about it was jealousy. And tbh he’s quite a hottie so thinking about him sucking his own cock was pretty hot.
Most of us just can’t do it. If it only took being slim and some stretching there’d be no fat men around.
It’s like trying to tickle yourself. Doesn’t work.
R49, that doesn’t sound true really. Like I said I can’t self suck but I’ve seen enough videos of guys doing it and seeming to enjoy it immensely. And we obviously can feel all the lovely stuff we do to our own dicks so why sucking yourself would be any different?
I’ve understood the biggest obstacle for pleasure is the awkward position you’re in since it might make your neck and back hurt quite a bit.
This guy, Al Eingang, has a website devoted to self-sucking. He can get his entire cock (a big one) in his mouth. He also sucks and fists himself.
There was a guy named Dr. Infinity who specialized in self-sucking. Link is to some photos from a 1977 issue of CLUB magazine with a couple of pix of him, also featuring John Holmes, Jamie Gillis, Casey Donovan, and some ladies. NSFW.
Here’s someone else who practices the art.
Ron Jeremy also did some self sucking on film back in the day.
Self-Sabotage: Why You Do It and How to Stop for Good
Self-sabotage can seem mysterious and complicated, but it doesn’t have to be.
As a psychologist and therapist, it’s something I help my clients work through every day.
In this guide, we’ll walk step-by-step through how to think about self-sabotaging behavior and what to do about it.
Okay, let’s dive in!
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is one of those terms you hear thrown around a lot, but understanding what people actually mean by it is tricky—in part because a lot of people don’t really know what it means!
In the rest of this section, I’ll give you a concrete definition of what self-sabotage is. Then we’ll look at some specific examples of what it looks like in real life and where it comes from.
Self-Sabotage: A Simple Definition
Here’s the best, most useful definition for self-sabotage I’ve found:
Self-sabotage is when you undermine your own goals and values.
In other words, you acknowledge that there’s something out there you genuinely want and believe is good for you (e.g. keeping off those 20 pounds you just lost), but then you do things that directly conflict with that goal (e.g. late-night fast-food runs).
Importantly, self-sabotaging behaviors can be both conscious or unconscious depending on how aware you are of them:
Of course, there are endless ways we all fall into self-sabotage. So before we move on to understanding what causes it and what to do about it, let’s take a look at some practical examples of what self-sabotage might look like in your own life.
Examples of Self-Sabotage
Everybody engages in self-sabotage from time to time.
For some people, it’s an occasional thing with relatively minor consequences. But for others, it’s a chronic pattern that leads to major problems in their life, work, and relationships.
Here are a few of the most common forms of self-sabotage:
Of course, there are many more examples of self-sabotage, but these are some of the most common.
But remember, all of these things are normal and not signs of a major issue necessarily. We all procrastinate from time to time, for example. Just like we all use food or other substances for emotional—rather than strictly nutritional—reasons occasionally.
However, when these things become consistent patterns with significant negative effects, that’s when it’s worth looking at more carefully.
Where self-sabotaging behavior comes from
Just like self-sabotage can take an almost infinite variety of forms, there are many, many ways that it develops and takes root.
It’s important to understand this:
There’s no one reason why self-sabotage happens.
And looking for a simple answer is often a sign that you don’t fully understand what self-sabotage really is and what it takes to work through it.
For example, in my clinical practice, I’ve been working with two different clients who both struggle with the same form of self-sabotage: They consistently get into romantic relationships with people they don’t respect because it makes them feel better about themselves.
It’s self-sabotage because the way they’ve learned to fill their need for confidence and self-esteem is by fostering relationships that don’t really work but make them feel superior and confident. Obviously, this gets in the way of their long-term goal of having a healthy romantic relationship, but they keep falling into it because self-esteem is so low and they don’t have a better way of addressing it.
I bring these two clients up as examples because they each developed an almost identical pattern of self-sabotaging behavior in very different ways:
The behaviors and results are the same but they come from entirely different origins.
Of course, this isn’t to say that there are no common patterns when it comes to what causes self-sabotage.
In fact, there is one common theme I see over and over again with people who have developed major issues with self-sabotage:
People who chronically self-sabotage learned at some point that it ‘works’ very well.
I put works in quotations because it works in a short-term sense but usually has the opposite effect in the long-run.
Here are a few examples:
The fact that self-sabotage ‘works’ on some level—or at least it did at some point—is absolutely fundamental and is the starting off point for changing your self-sabotaging behaviors for good.
Before you can undo an unhealthy behavior, you have to understand the function it serves.
How to Stop Self-Sabotage for Good: A 5-Step Plan
If you want to stop self-sabotaging, the key is to understand why you’re doing—what need it’s filling. Then get creative about identifying healthier, less destructive ways to get that need met.
Here’s a straightforward way to identify your self-sabotaging behaviors and start fixing them for good:
1. Understand the need your self-sabotage fills
Most people who try to stop self-sabotaging make the mistake of approaching it with a “getting tough on myself” attitude. They tell themselves that this is the time they’re finally going to get their sh!t together and stop all this nonsense.
But being “tough” on yourself is itself a form of self-sabotage because, while it feels good in the moment, it usually leads you to miss the most important first step in overcoming self-sabotage: understanding what need the self-sabotaging behavior feeds. And you can’t do that without some self-compassion.
Before you get tough on yourself and commit to changing, get compassionate with yourself and commit to understanding.
In order to recognize that your self-sabotage is serving a purpose, you have to be able to suspend judgment about the ultimate negative consequences of the behavior, and be understanding enough to see that it is serving a function that, at least in a limited sense, makes sense!
Here are some examples:
It’s only when you understand the need your self-sabotage is filling that you will be able to cultivate alternative behaviors to fill that need. And it’s only when you get that need met in another way that you’ll be able to give up the self-sabotage for good.
2. Identify alternative healthy behaviors that fill that need
Once you’ve got a clear understanding of what need your self-sabotage fills, the next step is to generate ideas for alternative behaviors that address the need but in a way that doesn’t also hurt you.
Often, just getting clarity on what the underlying need is will be enough to trigger ideas for alternative behaviors. But sometimes it takes a little more discovery and research…
One of the best ways to develop alternative behaviors for your self-sabotage is to study other people like you.
First, come up with a shortlist of other people you know with similar circumstances. For example, if binge eating junk food as a way to alleviate work stress is the behavior you’d like to find an alternative to, make a list of other people you know with high-stress jobs.
Next, reach out and do some research. Ask them how they handle the stresses of work. Collect all these ideas you find in a list.
Finally, after you’ve done research with at least a few people and generated a list of possible alternatives, find the two or three that seem like a good fit for you and try them out. Experiment with one for a week or two and see how it goes. If it seems to help, double down on it. If it doesn’t seem all that helpful, go down the list and try the next one.
3. Anticipate and plan for obstacles
Even if you’ve identified the underlying need and a healthier set of behaviors to address it, you still need to anticipate potential obstacles to using those new behaviors.
If your alternative behavior to stress eating after work is to have a small healthy snack instead of binging on junk food, what might get in the way of that new behavior?
It’s easy to stick to new behaviors and good intentions when the conditions are just right. But if you want to eliminate self-sabotage for good, you also need a plan for when times are hard.
Here are some examples of anticipating obstacles and developing a plan for addressing them:
It’s not enough to have good alternative behaviors to self-sabotage. You also need contingency plans for the inevitable obstacles that will arise when you first start to implement them.
4. Boost your tolerance for uncomfortable feelings
No matter how well you strategize and execute on your new alternative behaviors, it will be emotionally hard at times:
Letting go of self-sabotage isn’t merely an intellectual problem of planning and strategy. It’s an emotional tolerance problem.
In order to form any new habit or set of behaviors, you have to be able to tolerate discomfort—especially emotional discomfort. And this is just as true for replacing self-sabotaging behaviors with alternative healthy behaviors.
The best way to practice building up your emotional tolerance is to start small:
Remember: Just because an emotion feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad. And while sometimes uncomfortable, emotions are neither dangerous nor morally wrong.
5. Clarify your values
This isn’t the most necessary step in letting go of self-sabotage, but it is the most powerful.
When you clarify your values and aspirations—the things that truly matter most to you in life—and then connect your new, healthier behaviors to them, it’s far easier for them to take root and grow, leaving the old self-sabotaging behaviors far off in the distance.
The key to clarifying your values is to get beyond superficial forms of values and connect with the visceral form of your values. Here’s what I mean…
Let’s say you want to give up the self-sabotaging behavior of watching the news as soon as you get home from work because it is a time suck and leads to you not accomplishing more meaningful goals.
And let’s say the alternative, healthier behavior you’d like to replace it with is going for a walk in order to get some exercise.
Now, if I asked you Why do you want to go for a walk instead of watching the news when you get home from work? you might respond with something like, Because I want to get in shape.
Now, getting in shape is a value, but it’s not a very compelling one. It’s not visceral or specific—it’s vague and abstract. But if you want your values to help motivate you toward your new behaviors, they must be compelling. And the way you do that is by forcing yourself to get more specific.
So, I might follow up with Well, why do you want to get in shape? To which you might reply, Because I want to feel more energetic and less tired all the time.
This is definitely more specific and compelling, but we can do better… What would you be able to do if you felt more energized and less tired each day? After hearing this, your eyes might light up a little and you’d say You know, since college I’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar and be in a band. I know it sounds silly—I’m 43 years old—but I get excited every time I think about it. And I think if I just wasn’t so exhausted all the time, I could actually make it happen.
Bingo. Now that is a clarified value. It’s a value that’s got teeth. It’s a value that’s got gravity. And because it’s got gravity, it will help pull you toward your goal and new behavior, which is key if you’re trying to resist the gravity of an old, self-sabotaging behavior.
All You Need to Know
Self-sabotage isn’t as mysterious or complicated as it sounds: It simply means chronically doing something that undermines your own goals or values.
If you want to stop self-sabotaging for good, the key is to understand what need it serves and then develop alternative behaviors that fill the same need in a healthier and more productive way.
There are 5 basic steps to doing this: