How to start a conversation

100+ Best Conversation Starters & Conversation Tips

In social circumstances, we meet other people and need to begin conversing with them. Doing so can be very difficult. After all, here you are with a complete stranger and you are supposed to start a conversation with him or her. Additionally, when you want to get to know someone, you need to get them talking about themselves. When meeting someone for the first time or trying to get to know someone better, you need to know some good conversation starters.

What do we mean by a “good conversation starter”? Good conversation starters engage the other person and illicit a response. They relax those conversing and lead to longer and, perhaps, deeper conversational topics.

Table of Contents

How to Start a Conversation

Before you attempt to begin a conversation:

There are a few things to remember when you start a conversation. It is best to build a conversation on something you know the person likes or something you have in common, so choose your conversation topic carefully. Add intimacy by saying the other person’s name occasionally throughout the conversation. Use questions and respond to what your listener says appropriately. Also, consider the time and place. You probably do not want to use a funny conversation starter if you are at a funeral or after a sad movie.

Choose Your Conversational Topics

Say the Other Person’s Name

Doing so helps you remember the person’s name and often puts then at ease. It also adds a sense of intimacy, so is a good tool to use when talking about personal subjects.

Try Asking an Open-ended Question

An open-ended question cannot be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No,” but needs an explanation. Using the words who, what, when, where, why, and how cause the person to elaborate about their thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Illicit a Response to Your Comment

Talk about something that is of interest to you, and then ask a question related to what you said. For example, share the title of your favorite movie, then ask the name of theirs.

Answer a Question with a Question

When a person seems hesitant to talk about him or herself, they may ask you several questions. You can deflect the question(s) with your own question(s). For example, if they ask, “What did you think of the music awards the other night?” you could respond with, “What did you think?”

Use Words That Appeal to the Senses

Words such as “feel,” “appear,” and “hear” encourage your listener to not only pay attention, but also remember the conversation. Describe colors, sounds, tastes, and feelings to paint a visual picture of a place or event.

Respond Naturally

Smile and laugh when someone is funny. Use facial expression to denote gratitude, empathy, and curiosity as appropriate for the conversation’s content.

How to Start a Conversation with a Girl

When you start a conversation with a girl, the key is sincerity. Most girls can tell if you are a player, just using flattery to get and keep their attention. Often beginning a conversation talking about you puts a girl at ease and opens the door for sharing thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes it is best to practice on a female friend or family member. Your sister, if you have one, will be brutally honest if your conversation starter misses the mark. Mothers and other older female relatives may also be able to give some advice as to what works and what does not.

Remember to really look at her. Flattering comments dealing with appearance are always good conversation starters. Do you like her hair or eyes? Tell her. Is she wearing your favorite color? Let her know.

Here are some specific conversation starters to interest a girl and get her talking:

This conversation starter can lead to recounting anecdotes about job experiences you have both had, you favorite jobs, and what job you want in the future>

This open-ended question works to start a conversation about siblings, grandparents, and funny family vacations and experiences.

Asking this question and listening carefully to the answer gives you some foundational information upon which to build an interesting conversation.

Embarrassing moments are usually humorous, so this topic will help her relax and feel comfortable talking to you.

Favorites always work well as conversation starters. Remember to pause while sharing yours so she has a chance to speak.

You may find out you have the same or similar plans, which can lead to sharing some time together.

Girls love talking about their pets. If she does not have any, ask what animal she would like to have as a pet.

A good key to finding out her personality type. If she goes for casual clothes, future dates to sporting events, movies, or a local burger joint probably will appeal to her. If she loves to dress up, consider a date to the fancy restaurant.

If she likes to do something with her friends, she will probably enjoy doing it with you as well.

Another good way to find out what is important to her – money, helping others, etc.

Girls like to be taken seriously and when you ask your opinion, she gets the idea that you have respect for what she thinks.

You can follow up by asking for your new friend’s phone number or email address.

How to Start a Conversation with a Guy

The key to starting a conversation with a guy is knowing his interests. Check out his Facebook page, if he has one, to see if he likes cars, fishing, sports, etc. Usually a leading question about his favorite pastime will get the conversation going. If you do not know some of the terminology he uses, ask him to explain. Additionally, a sarcastic or funny comment can get the conversation going.

Practice starting a conversation with your father, brother, other male relative, or a male friend. Since you are practicing with someone you know, you can relax. Make sure you ask them how well you are doing at starting a conversation and for any tips they may have.

Continue the conversation by asking about his dream car. Ask if he has any pictures of vehicles he likes or vehicle shows he has seen.

Ask him if he has at least one scar from some activity or mishap. Ask he responds positively, ask if you can see it (if it is not someplace inappropriate), and what the story is behind the scar.

If you like his shirt, tell him so and why – it is your favorite color, you like the style, etc. you can also comment on his hair.

If he has none, ask if he would like to have a tattoo. If he responds positively, ask of what.

Guys tend to be daredevils. Asking this question is a good way to get him to talk about his daring deeds.

It should not be hard to get him talking about a recent game or his favorite player.

Funny Conversation Starters

You may not think of yourself as a funny person. However, it is not difficult to start a conversation with humor. Doing so gets the other person to relax, the first step in building a good conversation. You do not have to get belly laughs each time – a simple smile is sometimes enough to get your listener in a good state of mind. Funny conversation starters work well at parties and to break a gloomy mood caused by a cloudy day or unexpected circumstances. Try one of the following:

Conversation Starter Questions

Conversation questions work well, as most people feel that they must answer, no matter what you ask. Try one of the following questions:

How to Keep a Conversation Going

Once you get a conversation started, the next thing is to keep it going. Doing so helps you find out more about the other person and begin building a relationship. Our four tips will help you keep the conversation rolling.

Tip #1 – Maintain the Conversational Momentum

An ideal conversation consists of both individuals contributing about equally. Look for the following to keep the conversational momentum moving:

Tip #2 – Listen Actively

Pay attention to what the other person is saying, so that the conversation moves smoothly and you are aware when a response or comment is appropriate. You may be able to use what you hear to ask additional questions or make comment to keep the other person talking.

Tip #3 – Encourage with Conversational Cues

Acknowledging what is being said with single words, such as “Oh,” “Wow!” or a nod or shake of the head helps move the conversation along.

Tip #4 – Draw on Previous Conversations

Think about any previous conversation you may have had with or about the person. For example, if you had a brief conversation previously about a school project, ask for more details. If you know the person’s favorite movie or song, discuss the acting or the singer and their most recent album.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with a Girl

Most girls like to share their feelings – about clothes, their friends, and their families. Finding a topic that is of interest to a girl can get her started talking and keep the conversation going. Ask a girl about her pets or animals in general. Then share information about your pets. Liking animals and talking about them is a great way to keep a conversation going.

Remember to be sensitive to feelings. Make sure the girl you are talking to is comfortable with the topic you have chosen. Be thoughtful and stay away from topics that may be too personal, such as previous relationships or the death of a family member.

If necessary, talk about simple things. Simple, everyday topics, such as the weather, are non-threatening and can lead into longer conversations. For example, talking about the weather (“It sure is hot today.”) can lead to a longer conversation about ways to stay cool (“But it is great weather for swimming. Do you swim often?”) Simple subjects keep a conversation relaxed and usually avoid controversy, making it possible to find things you both like. Stay away from deep or controversial topics until you know each other better.

Choose the right questions. Avoid anything romantic, very personal, or sexual in nature, as you do not want to scare her away. Use our list of Conversation Starter Questions or Funny Conversation Starters to get her to relax and talk about herself. When she seems to be talking about a subject of particular interest to her, use questions to keep the conversation going. Avoid questions that can be answered with just a “Yes” or “No” as much as possible unless you can follow her answer with a “Why,” “Why Not,” “How,” or another suitable query.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with a Guy

Although it sometimes is difficult to start a conversation with a guy – especially with one you have an interest in – it can be even more difficult to keep the conversation going. Consider making a comment on where you are or what you are doing. For example, comment on the room, the food, or the lighting and ask him what she thinks about each. Any topic that leads to a string of questions and answers will keep the conversation moving.

However, if you follow these tips, you will achieve success.

Get Him to Talk About Himself

Use questions to get him to open up and talk about himself. After all, the goal is to get to know him, and if you talk only about yourself, you will end up knowing nothing about him and appear self-absorbed.

Build a Conversation What He Says

Watch for clues that he is talking about something that really interests him and continue asking questions or making comments to keep him talking. If you agree with him, say so. If you do not understand something he says, ask him to explain.

Stay Focused on What He Says

Use facial expressions and phrases to indicate you are paying attention and to encourage him to keep talking. Do not interrupt with long comments of your own unless there is a pause. Let your facial expression convey your reaction to what he is saying. If he says something funny, laugh.

Use Compliments

Men do not get compliments often. Think about it; men do not compliment men. Therefore, a simple mention of liking something he is wearing, participates in, or his hobby goes a long way. Just do not go overboard with compliments, as that becomes creepy!

Although it is not always easy to start a conversation and keep it going, the more you converse with others, the easier it will become. Soon you will find beginning a conversation with someone comes naturally and without much effort. Once you learn how to start and keep a conversation going, you will make more friends and have more opportunities for socializing. Get out there and meet people, using what you have learned in this article to be a great conversationalist!

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Susan majored in English with a double minor in Humanities and Business at Arizona State University and earned a Master’s degree in Educational Administration from Liberty University. She taught grades four through twelve in both public and private schools. Subjects included English, U.S. and world history and geography, math, earth and physical science, Bible, information technologies, and creative writing.

Susan has been freelance writing for over ten years, during which time she has written and edited books, newspaper articles, biographies, book reviews, guidelines, neighborhood descriptions for realtors, Power Point presentations, resumes, and numerous other projects.

How To Start a Conversation with Anyone (Go-to Guide)

Craig is an editor and web developer who writes about happiness and motivation at Lifehack Read full profile

The hardest part of socializing, for many people, is how to start a conversation. However, it is a big mistake to go about life not making the first move and waiting for someone else to do it (in conversation or anything).

This isn’t to say you must always be the first in everything or initiate a conversation with everyone you see. What should be said, though, is once you get good at starting conversations, a lot of other things will progress in the way you want; such as networking and your love life.

According to a research study by the National Library of Medicine, social interaction is a great contributor to good health and longevity. [1]

Starting a conversation doesn’t have to be purely physical. Thanks to rapid technological advancement and the pandemic, people have embraced online communication. Here are a few simple tips on how to start a conversation.

Benefits of Learning How to Start a Conversation

The first thing is you should acknowledge why it is a good thing to be able to initiate conversations with strangers or people who you don’t know well:

You can only learn so much alone, and I’m sure you’re aware of the benefits of learning from others. Being able to distinguish the ‘good from bad’ amongst a group of people will help in building a suitable network, or making a fun night.

All people are good in their own way. Being able to have a good time with anybody is a worthy trait and something to discuss another time. However, if you have a specific purpose while in social situations, you may want to stick with people who are suitable.

This means distinguishing between people who might suit you and your ‘purpose’ from those who probably won’t. This can require some people-judging, which I am generally very opposed to. However, this does make approaching people all the more easier.

It helps to motivate the conversation if you really want to know this person. Also, you’ll find your circle of friends and peers grows to something you really like and enjoy.

The Rules

I don’t have many rules in this life, for conversation or anything; but when it comes to approaching strangers physically or learning how to start a conversation online, there are a few I’d like to use.

Who To Talk To?

How do you start a conversation with someone? I’m of the ilk that likes to talk to everyone and anyone. Everyone has a story and a good personality. Some are harder to get to than others, but if you’re on a people-finding excursion like I usually am, then everyone is pretty much fair game.

That said, if you’re out at a function or on social media and you want to build a network of people in your niche, you will want to distinguish those people from the others. Find the ‘leaders’ in a group of people or ask around for what you’re looking for.

In a more general environment, like at a bar, you will want to do the same sort of thing. Acknowledge what you actually want and try to distinguish suitable people. Once you find someone or a group of people online, that you want to talk to, hop to it.

Think of a few things you might have in common. What did you notice about their dress sense?

Building Confidence

The most important part of starting a conversation with someone you don’t know physically or virtually is, arguably, having confidence. It should be obvious that without any amount of self-esteem you will struggle. Having confidence in yourself and who you are makes this job very easy.

If you find yourself doubting your worth, or how interesting you are, make a few mental notes of why you are interesting and worth talking to. There is no question you are. You just have to realize that.

What do I do? What is interesting about it? What are my strong points and what are my weak ones? Confident people succeed because they’ve learned the art of starting a conversation with strangers and using their strengths.

Across the Room Rapport

This is rapport building without talking. It’s as simple as reciprocated eye contact and smiles etc. Acknowledging someone else’s presence before approaching them goes a long way to making introductions easier. You are instantly no longer just a random person.

In my other article, “How Not To Suck At Socializing – Do’s & Don’ts,” there are things you can do to make yourself appear approachable. This doesn’t necessarily mean people are going to flock to you. You’ll still probably need to initiate conversations.

People notice other people who are having a blast. Studies have shown that emotions have a great influence on how humans think, act, and behave. [3]

If you’re happy and having fun, someone will acknowledge it and will make the ‘across the room rapport’ building a breeze. If you’re that person that is getting along great with their present company, others will want to talk to you. This will make your approach more comfortable for both parties.

The Approach

When it comes to being social, the less analytical and formulaic you are the better. Try not to map out your every move and plan too much. Although we are talking about how to initiate conversation, these are really only tips. When it comes to the approach, though, there are some things you should keep in mind.

Different situations call for different approaches. Formal situations call for something more formal and relaxed ones should be relaxed.

At a work function, for instance, be a little formal and introduce yourself. People will want to know who you are and what you do immediately. This isn’t to say you should only talk about work, but an introduction and handshake is appropriate.

If you’re at a bar, then things are very different and you should be much more open to unstructured introductions. Personally, I don’t like the idea of walking directly to someone to talk to them. It’s too direct. I like the sense of randomness that comes with meeting new people.

However, if there is rapport already established, go for it. If not, take a wander, buy a drink and be aware of where people are. If there is someone you would like to talk to, make yourself available and not sit all night, etc.

When someone is alone and looks bored, do them a favor and approach them. No matter how bad the conversation might get, they should at least appreciate the company and friendliness.

Briefly Approaching Groups

When integrating with an established group conversation, there is really one thing to know. That is to establish the ‘leader’ and introduce yourself to them. I mentioned that before, but here is how and why.

The leader of a group conversation is probably the more social and outgoing. They will more readily accept your introduction and then introduce you to the rest of the group. This hierarchy in a group conversation is much more prevalent in formal situations where one person is leading the conversation.

A group of friends out for the night is much more difficult to crack. This may even be another topic for discussion, but one thing I know that works is initiating conversation with a ‘stray’. It sounds predatorial, but it works.

More often than not, this occurs without intention. But if you do really want to get into a group of friends, your best bet is to approach one of them while they are away from the group and being invited into the group.

It is possible, like everything, to approach a group outright and join them. However, this is almost an art and requires another specific post.

Topics Of Conversation

Other than confidence, the next thing people who have trouble initiating conversations physically or online lack is conversation! So here are a few tips to get the ball rolling:

Exiting Conversation

Although I’d like to write a full post on exiting strategies for conversations you don’t want to be in, here are some tips:

Likewise, you could start another conversation.

Conclusion

Starting a conversation is one of the best ways to develop your communication skills and build your network. You can only learn so much alone. So the next time you find yourself in a room or online group full of strangers, find someone who looks open and friendly, and simply say, “Hi! How are you doing?” Then confidently steer the flow of conversation between the two of you. You just might find yourself networking with a key player in your profession or making a new friend.

If you’d like to learn more tips about starting a conversation, this guide maybe useful for you: How to Talk to Strangers Without Feeling Awkward

How to Start a Conversation the Right Way

Kendra Cherry, MS, is an author and educational consultant focused on helping students learn about psychology.

Some people just seem to have a knack for making conversation while others struggle to make small talk. Knowing how to start a conversation is a useful social skill. Whether you want to impress a potential client, strike up a conversation with a love interest, or just chat with a new acquaintance, knowing how to initiate a conversation can help you feel more comfortable and confident in a wide variety of social situations.

Press Play for Advice On Communicating Better

Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, featuring best-selling author Celeste Headlee, shares how to have better conversations. Click below to listen now.

Before You Begin

If a room full of strangers is your idea of a waking nightmare, the idea of going to a party or work event can be incredibly daunting. These sorts of social situations can be especially difficult if you tend to be introverted, shy, or socially anxious.

One way to ease anxiety is to prepare in advance. Mentally review what you want to talk about and even consider practicing with a friend. The first step toward becoming an amazing conversationalist is to be prepared.

If you are nervous about starting a conversation, try these three simple strategies before you begin:

Conversation Killers

While it should go without saying, there are a few things you should avoid unless you are very familiar with the person with whom you are speaking.

While political commentary, gossip, complaints, and offensive jokes might be how your uncle starts conversations during your family get-togethers, it is probably not an example you should try to emulate in your day-to-day life.

Anything offensive, controversial, or uncomfortable should be avoided as you are initiating conversations.

There is a time and place to express your opinion or even try to persuade others, but make sure that such topics are welcome before you launch into an impassioned debate.

Some research suggests that when it comes to conversation openers, your best bet may be to stick to comments that are fairly innocuous. In one study, participants were asked to rate the effectiveness of a number of opening lines that might come from a potential romantic partner: flippant «pick-up» lines, open-ended, innocuous questions, and the direct approach. 

Few respondents appreciated the pick-up line approach, but responses tended to be split when it came to preferences for the other two opening styles. Women tended to prefer the innocuous questions («What’s your favorite team?») while men favored the more direct approach («I’d like to buy you a drink!»).

The authors of the study suggest that it is best to err on the side of the innocuous approach when choosing a way to initiate a conversation with a stranger. This type of conversation opener tends to be less threatening, yet encourages the other person to provide some type of response.

Keep It Positive

Try to start your conversation on an upbeat note. Stay away from launching into complaints or making negative observations. No matter what the situation is, you can find something positive to say.

Comment on the weather, the food, the company, or the event itself. Saying something as simple as you are having a good time and hoping that your conversation partner is having a pleasant experience as well is a good way to get a conversation rolling. Even if the situation itself is not perfect, try to put a positive spin on it.

Comments to Lead With

People tend to respond better to a positive comment rather than a negative one. It helps show that you are a pleasant person who pays attention to what’s going on. Staying positive also helps put others at ease. As a result, people will be more interested in continuing a conversation with you.

Start Simple

Not every great conversation needs to begin with a deep, philosophical, earth-shattering observation. Simple icebreaker comments or questions are a great way to begin.

Commenting on the weather, the room, or the food might seem cliche, but there is a reason why this sort of icebreaker works so well. It’s a simple, easy way to get a conversation rolling, offering a bit of common ground between two strangers. Talking about inconsequential things can lead to further conversations about personal preferences, backgrounds, hobbies, and deeper topics that can help forge social bonds between people.

What the Research Says

In one study published in the journal Psychological Science, researchers performed naturalistic observations on participants to record both small talk and deep conversations over a period of several days. 

What they found is that people who engaged in deeper, personal conversations also had higher levels of happiness. This might mean that happy people are more likely to engage others in meaningful conversations—but it also might mean that such substantive conversations may actually lead to greater happiness. The researchers suggest that “the findings demonstrate that the happy life is social rather than solitary and conversationally deep rather than superficial.”

Not everyone loves making small talk, but it can be an important first step that can lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations.

While starting a conversation often begins by focusing on small, trivial things, research suggests that having more deep conversations may be linked to greater happiness and well-being.

Learning how to start a conversation can help lead you into these more consequential social connections.

Ask for Help

Asking a question is a great way to start a conversation. Doing this not only gives you a reason to engage the other person—but it also gives them a chance to be helpful.

When using this approach, start with something simple that can be accomplished without a great deal of effort. For example, you might ask someone if they know what time a workshop begins or directions to a particular location.

Conversation Starters

One of the benefits of this approach is that asking a simple question can lead to further conversation about other topics. Once you have posed your question and the other person has offered their assistance, it creates something of a reciprocal social contract between you and your conversation partner.

Since they have offered their assistance, it is now up to you to give your thanks and introduce yourself. This can serve as an opportunity for you to ask more about the other person—who they are, what brings them here, and other questions that are relevant given the setting and situation.

Body Language

Sometimes what you don’t say is just as important as what you do say. As you strike up a new conversation, it is important to pay attention to your nonverbal communication.

Body language can be used to convey interest and emotion. A friendly expression, comfortable stance, and good eye contact, for example, can help show that you have a genuine interest in learning more about another person. Slouching, looking away, and frowning, on the other hand, might make your conversation partner feel that you are bored or disinterested.

Encouraging nonverbal signals include:

Listen and Express Interest

It can be intimidating to try to talk to someone when it feels that you have little in common. In these situations, getting the other person to talk about their own interests, work, or expertise can be a useful way to start a conversation.

Ask a question about what the other person does, then focus on really listening to what they have to say. People often enjoy talking about things they are passionate about, so expressing a genuine interest in the things that other people enjoy can be excellent fuel for a great conversation.

Strike a Balance

A good conversation does not rely on just one approach.

The best discussions involve a mixture of asking questions, listening to what other people have to say, and sharing things about yourself.

A simple conversation might start by:

You may also find it helpful to ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple «yes» or «no.» For example, you might ask «How did you like the speaker?» instead of «Did you like the speaker?»

Learning how to start a conversation is an important skill that can help you build social connections in a wide variety of contexts. It can be difficult initially, particularly if you struggle with shyness or social anxiety, but gaining plenty of practice is the key to become more comfortable talking to other people.

Try to think of every one of these interactions as a practice session. The more often you initiate discussions with others, the stronger your conversational skills will become.

A Word From Verywell

Forging strong social connections is critical for both physical and mental health. Research has found that forming social relationships is linked to a stronger immune system, increased longevity, lower anxiety levels, greater empathy for others, and better self-esteem. By learning how to start a conversation, you will be better able to forge the social connections that are so critical to health and well-being.

How to Start a Deep Conversation

This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples’ relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book «Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids» and also wrote «Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband». Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 73,539 times.

Most anyone can start a simple conversation, but you may want something more. Begin building skills to have deep conversations so that you can introduce a topic or share your interest in something. Find the right people to talk to and make sure the setting is appropriate. Tune into an opportunity to bring up deep topics and go for it. Share something personal and be open to showing part of who you are. Keep the conversation going by listening well and responding thoughtfully.

How to Start a Conversation (+ Non-awkward Examples)

By David Morin & Daniel Wendler, Psy.D. | Last updated: August 25, 2021

The complete guide on how to start talking to someone in everyday life, at work, in school, over text, or online.

A few years ago, I had no clue how to start a conversation with new people. I committed to reading books on how to make conversation, learning from socially savvy people, and spending thousands of hours socializing.

Today, I teach social skills for a living. Perhaps you’ve seen me in Business Insider and Lifehacker.

In this guide, I’ll share everything I know about talking to people.

Conversation starters

Here are several examples of good conversation starters for different social settings:

Party conversation starters

Dinner conversation starters

Work conversation starters

Group conversation starters

Conversation starters for dating/asking a guy/girl/crush

Conversation starters for friends

For most situations, you’re better off starting a conversation with a friend based on the situation rather than using a memorized line. The remainder of this guide will cover how to do this.

How to start a conversation

1. Ask something about the situation

The easiest way to initiate a conversation is to draw inspiration from your surroundings

Examples of day-to-day situations where you might want to strike up a conversation

Don’t ask direct questions in day-to-day life

At social events, which we talk about here, the norm is that strangers present themselves to each other. In day-to-day life, on the other hand, you can’t be so direct.

Ask a simple question about the situation rather than the other person

To ease into a conversation, we can ask a question about the situation we’re in.

That gives us a reason to start talking, and it’s not too direct.

It helps to ask something that you already have on your mind. But if you don’t, you can use your surroundings or the situation for inspiration.

If you want to improve your social skills, self-confidence, and ability to connect with someone, you can take our 1-minute quiz.

You’ll get a 100% free custom report with the areas you need to improve.

An example of a day-to-day conversation from last week

Last week I ended up next to someone on the train.

I’d been wondering if they served snacks on board. It was a natural conversation starter because it was already on my mind and related directly to my surroundings.

I asked her, “Excuse me, do you know if they serve snacks here?”

She responded with something like, “Hmm. Yeah, they should!”

It was natural for me to ask a follow-up question: “Good, I forgot breakfast today.” (Both of us smiled) Me: “Do you take this train often?”

Let’s go through some common worries about starting a conversation, and then I’ll talk more about follow-up questions.

2. Know that you don’t have to be clever

You don’t need to ask a deep or meaningful question. What you actually ask isn’t important. [1] You don’t have to try to come off as unique or smart in your first interaction. The best conversation starters are usually simple.

Asking a question is a way to signal that you’re friendly and open to social interaction. [2]

In reality, small talk is often mundane, and people are OK with that. Small talk is just a warm-up for more interesting conversation.

3. Look at the direction of their feet and gaze

When you know what to look for, you can tell from someone’s body language whether they want to talk to you. See this article for more tips: How to see if someone wants to talk to you.

It’s normal to just get a short “yes” or “no” answer to your first question. It doesn’t mean that people don’t want to talk to you, just that you have to give them a few seconds to switch over to “social mode.”

But if they only give short answers to your follow-up questions, it’s usually a good idea to say “Thanks” or “Nice chatting with you” and move on.

Look at the direction of their feet and the direction of their gaze. If they look away from you a lot or point their feet away from you, it’s often a good sign that they want to end the conversation. [3] You might have lots of interesting things to talk about, but the other person might not be in the mood for social interaction. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, so try not to take it personally.

Make sure your body language is friendly and open

Your body language needs to match your words; it should signal that you are relaxed, trustworthy, and happy to talk.

For more advice on how to improve your body language, see this guide.

4. Ask follow-up questions

To signal that we’re interested in talking to someone, we can ask follow-up questions.

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In the example with the train, I asked: “Do you take this train often?” That’s a simple follow-up to my question about whether there were snacks available on board.

Rather than asking a series of general questions like, “Where are you from?,” “How do you know people here?,” and “What do you do?,” you can use follow-up questions to dig deeper.

You could ask, “Where are you from?” followed by, “What was it like growing up there?” and then, “What do you miss the most about it?”

Digging into a subject like this rather than asking superficial questions tends to make the conversation more interesting.

5. Mix asking questions with sharing about yourself

How to keep a conversation you start interesting and balanced using the IFR method

We don’t want to ask too many questions in a row or talk too much about ourselves. So how do you find the balance? Use the IFR method.

Inquire: Ask a sincere question

Follow up: Ask a follow-up question

Relate: Share a little bit about yourself that relates to what they said

You can then start the loop again by asking a new sincere question (Inquire).

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What type of social overthinker are you?

The other day I was talking to someone who turned out to be a filmmaker. Here’s how the conversation went:

Inquire:

Me: What kind of documentaries do you do?

She: Right now, I’m doing a movie on bodegas in New York City.

Follow up:

Me: Oh, interesting. What’s your take away so far?

She: That almost all bodegas seem to have cats!

Relate:

Me: Haha, I’ve noticed that. The one next to where I live has a cat who always sits on the counter.

And then I inquire (IFR repeat):

Me: Are you a cat person?

You want to make the conversation go back and forth. They talk a little bit about themselves, we talk about ourselves, then let them talk again, and so on. [4]

6. Use open-ended questions

An open-ended question is a question that requires more than a “Yes” or “No” in response. By using open-ended questions, people often feel inspired to give a longer answer.

Examples of closed-ended questions:

Did you like school?

What’s your job title?

Are you going to take a vacation this year?

Examples of open-ended questions:

What was school like for you?

What sort of things do you do at work?

What would your ideal vacation be like?

However, this doesn’t mean that all closed-ended questions are bad. For example, if you initiate a conversation in day-to-day life, an open-ended question can feel too abrupt, while a close-ended question is more natural:

For example, “Are you done reading that magazine?” is more natural than “What did you think of that magazine?”

7. Know that tone is more important than words

The impression you make on other people depends partly on what you say, but it mainly depends on how you say it.

Many people focus too much on what to say rather than their delivery.

You want to speak in a friendly and relaxed tone of voice. If you do, you don’t have to worry about the exact words you use.

You don’t need to BE confident to sound friendly and relaxed. I used to practice by talking to myself in the mirror, and recommend that you do the same.

Note that the examples in this guide aren’t “scripts” or “magic words.” Use language that feels natural to you.

Examples of how to start a conversation in day to day life

Rather than fabricating questions, you can ask about things that are genuinely interesting or at least relevant to the situation (like I did on that train). Don’t worry about asking obvious questions. If you sound friendly and relaxed, the questions will sound natural.

When sitting next to someone on a train or plane:

You: “Do you know how to make the seats recline?” (Question about the situation)

They: “You have to press the button to the right.”

You: “Thanks! Are you also going to Denver?” (Closed follow up-question)

They: “Yes, I am! I’m going to visit my family.”

You: “Nice, me too. I haven’t been home in 6 months. Where do you live now?” (Sharing about yourself and asking an open follow-up question)

When having to socialize during lunchtime with someone from another department at work:

You: “What kind of fish is that?” (Question about the situation)

They: “I don’t know actually.”

You: “I’m no fish expert either, haha. But it looks good. What department do you work in?”

(They explain where they work)

You: “Okay, nice, I work at (explains). How do you like it over there?” (Sharing something about yourself and asking an open follow-up question)

Waiting with someone else in the corridor for class to start:

You: “Is this the physics lecture hall?” (Question about the situation)

You: “Great. How do you feel about the test?” (Open follow-up question)

They: “I hope it’ll go well. I felt like I grasped the material better yesterday when I went through it again.”

You: “Yeah, same here, even though I didn’t have time to check out the last chapter. How come you chose this course?” (Sharing something about yourself and asking an open follow-up question)

8. Make a positive remark

Use the Positive Remarks method to effortlessly start a conversation with someone you’ve said Hi to before.

This is my go-to method with people I’ve only had short interactions with before, like a “Hi” or a “How are you?”

Because you know each other a little bit, you can be a little bit more direct than you can be with complete strangers.

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Examples of situations where you can use this method:

In these situations, I make a positive remark about something in the environment.

Examples of positive remarks:

“The salmon looks delicious!”

“This place looks great since they renovated it!”

“It smells wonderful in here! I love the smell of freshly roasted coffee.”

(I don’t make positive remarks about them, e.g., “I like your dress,” because this type of remark can feel too personal if you are only acquaintances.)

When you say something positive, you’ll come off as more friendly. After all, they don’t know you yet, so their first impression of you will be based on the first few words they hear.

You can now continue the conversation, as I showed in these examples.

9. Use your five senses

It tends to be harder than usual to think in social situations, and sometimes it’s difficult to come up with anything to say about our surroundings.

The five senses exercise can help. By tuning into your senses and noticing what is going on around you, you can get the inspiration you need to begin a conversation with anyone.

It also acts as a grounding exercise that helps reduce your anxiety. Instead of focusing on your anxious thoughts, you’re fully present and living in the moment. [5]

Use each of your five senses to notice things in your environment.

Have you found five things? Great!

Can you choose one or two things and say something positive about them? Or, if you want a real challenge, can you find something positive to say about all five?

You can use this method whenever you want to start a conversation.

Here’s what I came up with when I did this exercise. They are all good examples of good questions to start a conversation:

“I like indoor plants. It makes the room much nicer.”

“That’s a great design for a kitchen.”

“You can see really far from here.”

“I love the coffee smell.”

“I wonder if coffee tastes good just because it makes me feel good, or if I actually like the taste of the coffee itself?”

“I like it when the evenings get a bit chillier.”

But David, you might be thinking, these are just meaningless statements!

What we’re doing here is signaling to people, “I’m not a threat, and I’m open to making conversation if you are.”

It’s not about what you say – it’s about what you convey. [6]

That’s why it’s important to make positive remarks. It shows that we’re friendly. [7] You can find more conversation openers here.

10. Ask a few “Getting To Know You” questions

Use the Getting to Know You method if you’re in a situation where you’re expected to engage with new people and learn more about them. This includes dinners, parties, mingles, whenever you have to meet people as a new employee or student, or when welcoming someone who is joining your school or place of work.

In day-to-day life, we need to break the ice before we can start interacting with someone.

But sometimes, we’re expected to talk to people. In these situations, you can start the conversation by asking a question about them. I call this the Getting To Know You method.

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Examples: Starting a conversation by asking these “Getting To Know You” questions

These questions can be used to get to know someone new at work, in school, at a party, mingle, or dinner.

“Hi, Nice to meet you! I’m David…”

“… How do you know people here?”

“… Where are you from?”

Pro tip: I’ve memorized these questions, so I can fire one off if I run out of other things to say to start a conversation.

Here are some examples that also illustrate how you can use follow-up questions to keep the conversation going:

You, at a writing workshop: “How do you know people here?”

They: “I know Becka over there.”

You: “Nice, how do you know each other?”

You: “OK, I see. I know Jessica. She and I are friends from college. She loves writing, so she asked me to come, and now I’m very happy I did. How did you and Becka get into writing?”

You, at a friend’s party: “Where are you from?”

They: “I’m from upstate New York.”

You: “Cool, do you live in NYC now, or do you commute?”

You: “I’m from Sweden originally but moved here a few years ago. How do you like it here?”

You: “Hi, I’m David. Nice to meet you. What brings you here?”

They: “I’m here because I always wanted to learn more about photography.”

You: “Me too! What do you like most about photography?”

You can then tell them what you like most about photography, and then you can ask a follow-up question: “What’s it like shooting analog compared to digital?”

As you can see in these examples, you want to share a little bit about yourself in between asking questions. I talk more about this here.

Summary

11. Pick up where you left off last time

In this step, I show you how to start a conversation with someone you talked to before by referencing a previous conversation.

Let’s say that it’s a new day at work or at school. You’ve met your classmates or colleagues the day before, but you still feel awkward about talking to them again. What should you say?

In these situations, you can pick up where you left off by mentioning something you talked about last time.

Only ask about something if it’s likely you both remember talking about it.

From there, we can talk about their cold or their trip or their bike, or completely change the subject.

An exercise for picking up where you left off

12. Mention newsworthy topics

Use these conversation topics when you can’t think of anything to say

An example showing you how these starter topics can keep a conversation going

Friend: “So yeah, that’s why I avoid gluten.”

You: “Oh, makes sense…”

You: “By the way, have you heard the latest update on that big hurricane?”

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(Conversation can continue)

Topics to avoid

When you’re learning how to make conversation with people, one of your first questions will be, “What are good topics to talk about?” However, it’s also important that you know what subjects are best avoided when you’re talking with a stranger.

You can talk about these subjects when you have built a relationship with the other person, but it’s safer to avoid them when you are just getting acquainted.

Summary

Keep up to date with a few popular topics and draw on them when the conversation runs dry.

Here’s what my conversation looks like when I want to get to know someone.

The end goal of small talk is to find a mutual interest. This is something that BOTH of you love to talk about. When you find a mutual interest, the conversation stops being boring!

You might get some initial inspiration from these small talk questions.

How to start a conversation online

13. Starting a conversation with someone online, over text/DMs, or on Instagram/Twitter/ Facebook/Snapchat, etc.

To start talking to someone over text/DMs, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, or similar social networks, follow these three steps.

In Step 1, I’ll cover how to contact someone out of the blue. In Steps 2 and 3, I’ll talk about how to keep in touch with someone you’ve talked to before.

Step 1: Make sure you have a logical reason to contact a new person

When you text someone new or someone you barely know, you need a clear REASON why you are contacting them. (Even if you just want to form a connection.)

Examples of online messages with a clear reason:

“I saw your dog on Instagram and would love to know what breed it is?”

“Amanda in our office told me that you’re also into edible plants. Which ones are your favorites?”

“I saw that you also have an electric motorcycle, so I thought I’d reach out to you. Are you happy with yours?”

If you’ve already talked in real life:

“Sorry to bother you, but what pages do we need to study for Monday?”

“Is this your blue beanie? Someone left it in the hallway.”

“Do you know what time we start tomorrow?”

Even if you only get a short response, you have now established contact. This is important because it feels natural for you to stay in touch from now on!

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Here are a few examples of the type of message you should not use to start a conversation online or over text:

“Hi. How was your day?”

“Good morning 🙂 I’m so bored at work right now. Just wasting time on Facebook.”

“I saw your status on Twitter. It was funny.”

These messages are not specific enough, and they might leave the other person wondering what kind of response you want, especially if you don’t include a question.

Step 2: Follow up with something you’ve talked about on a previous occasion

Make a comment or ask a question that relates to something you’ve already talked about. Pick a topic that you think will interest them.

For example:

“Hi, I saw this article about Russian authors, and it made me think of you!”

“You were saying how much you like electric cars the other day. Have you seen this new model?”

“I know that you like nineties country, have you heard this song?”

Here’s how I make sure that I’m not bothering people: If the person doesn’t come back to me, I try sending something else a week later. If they still don’t reply, I don’t write to them again.

Step 3: Keep the contact warm by sending easy to digest texts

This doesn’t apply to everyone, but MOST people don’t like to make neverending small talk over text or chat.

Rather than trying to keep a long conversation going online, message people as a way to keep the connection going until you can meet up.

You can do that by sending memes, interesting links, or songs you know someone might like. If you’re talking on WhatsApp, you can send them audio messages to mix things up, but keep them short.

Here’s my text conversation with a friend. As you can see, it contains almost no small talk, only easy-to-digest fun links.

Step 4: Ask to meet up in person

Group activities or events are good because you don’t need to talk all the time, and it feels safer for both of you if there are other people around.

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How much small talk should you make online?

I asked several of my closest female friends how much they talk to their friends online.

In general, it seems that girls make a bit more small talk online, and guys are more to the point — less communication overall, and more interesting or funny links.

Chatting to people on Bumble/Tinder/other dating sites

Treat everyone on these sites as though they were any other stranger. If you won’t say something to them in person, do not say it online. Keep your messages respectful.

When writing a first message, ask a question that shows you have paid attention to their profile. This will set you apart from most other people on dating sites. Be brief.

If the conversation goes well, ask to meet up in person sooner rather than later. Suggest a low-key meetup, like getting a coffee and browsing an interesting local market or strolling around an art gallery. For safety, always meet in a public place.

Ghosting is common in the world of online dating. Don’t take it personally if someone stops replying to your messages after a good conversation or even a couple of dates. Try to see every conversation you have on a dating site as a practice round.

How to start a conversation with someone you’re attracted to

When you talk to a guy or girl you like, make conversation as you usually would

Talking to someone you like isn’t about finding the “magic words” to say!

Rather, it’s about daring to talk to your crush in the first place.

One time, a friend and I were out walking. Two girls stopped us and asked us if we had a pen. We started talking and ended up hanging out.

Later, they revealed that they had just asked about a pen because they wanted to flirt with guys.

Do you see how they used the method of asking a sincere question I explained in Step 1? This stuff works!

Also, notice how simple it is to start a conversation with someone by asking a basic question.

When you’ve asked your question, you can follow up with another question, as I explained in Step 1.

Here’s a common mistake to avoid when talking to a guy or girl you find attractive: Raising the stakes and thinking that you need to say the “right thing.” Thinking like this will make you nervous and stiff, and you might end up saying nothing at all.

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Don’t treat someone you have a crush on any differently to your other acquaintances and friends. Just practice making normal conversation when you talk to them. That will take you far.

Here’s another secret to remember when talking to someone you like:

It’s not about what you say, but how you say it. You want to be able to have a relaxed and easygoing conversation. That leads us to…

How to be less nervous when you start a conversation

Here’s how to stop being nervous when you talk to someone: Focus on THEM and THE CONVERSATION. In this step, I’ll show you how to do that.

Whenever I had to go up and talk to someone, it was like every cell in my body screamed, “NOOO!”

I became self-conscious. I started worrying about what others might think of me.

I would start having thoughts like:

– “What should I say?”

– “What if they don’t like me?!”

Suddenly, I would feel nervous and miserable.

Here are my tricks for getting out of this rut:

Practice focusing on the conversation to feel less self-conscious

I focus my full attention on the person I’m about to talk to and ask myself questions about them.

In one study, half of the participants were asked to focus on the conversation when talking to someone else. The other half were asked to focus on themselves.

Those who focused on the conversation reported they were half as nervous as those who focused on themselves. [9]

“But David! If I focus on the conversation, how will I then be able to come up with stuff to say? I need to be in my own head so I can come up with questions!”

Here’s the thing: When we focus on someone or something other than ourselves, that’s when questions pop up in our heads!

We become less self-conscious, and it’s easier to come up with what to say.

Let’s imagine that you want to talk to a new colleague at work.

We’ll call her Lisa. Here she is:

The first step is to walk up to her and say, “Hi.”

After you’ve exchanged greetings, what would you ask her?

If I focus on that photo of Lisa, I can come up with the following questions:

I’m sure you can come up with more questions. You wouldn’t have to ask all these questions out loud. You can keep them in the back of your head and fire them off to keep the conversation going and avoid awkwardness.

When you focus on someone else or something else than yourself, that makes you less self-conscious and more confident.

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If you tend to overthink, ask yourself what a confident person would do

If you overthink a lot, it could be that you worry too much about making social mistakes or being judged. [8]

Here it can help to think, “What would a truly self-confident person do?”

Often, when we ask ourselves this question, it can help us figure out if it’s fine to say something or not. If a confident person can say it, so can we.

You can even have a specific person in mind. Ask yourself, “What would Michelle Obama do?” or “What would the Rock do?” (Or think of any other confident person you know.)

I’ve written more about this in my guide on how to not be nervous when talking.

Have a mission

As soon as we want to talk to someone who’s attractive or someone we have a crush on, we tend to get more nervous than ever.

Here’s where I use the “Mission Trick:”

Have a clear mission of what you want to talk about. In Step 8, I told you how two girls started talking to me and my friend by asking us for a pen. Their mission? Find a pen.

Consider online therapy

Online therapy allows you to speak to a licensed therapist in the comfort of your home.

When you ask your question, keep a couple of backups ready to go.

For example, in the hallway before the physics lecture:

You: “Sorry, but do you know what time it is?”

You: “Great, thank you. Do you study physics too?”

You: “Nice! It’s fun, but I found this class to be really hard. How do you like it?”

(In this kind of situation, I can keep the conversation balanced using the IFR-method I explained here.)

References

Comments

Thank you very much, David. I can’t express in words that how much it’s helpful to me. Because of your article David, I am opening my inner self. I have been chained by social anxiety, overthinking, self consciousness while talking to other people but now I am improving day by day.

I have learned so much from your article.
Thank you very much.

Hi, David. I love this content and thanks for equipping my social skills. I usually do not comment on people’s works but I must say this article wowed me. Great job.

Hi David and Daniel: this is a really thoughtful, well written article. Thank you for sharing!

This has been and will continue to be helpful for me and my thinking too much. Another personal accomplishment I see more clearly now coming toward the end of this year and that has aloud me to grow more confidence overtime, is not drinking. In the short term I had convincing evidence that the alcohol would snuffle out my nervousness. But I started noticing that it was sometimes slow and lethargic in the mornings, which would carry over to some degree often later in the day. I had a traumatic brain injury in 2002, and realize that these affects are probably more personal than average affects, but I do hope maybe some can relate to and understand that it can cloud the mental scope sometimes. And may we still find and grow more personal connections, which is often even more critical during these tough times of physical distancing, separation, and isolation.

Awesome article and insanely useful tips! Thanks

Was a great article. I learned a lot from it. Thank you so much

I can’t even believe that you left this here for free. Thank you for putting this awesome content together! Very helpful.

In-depth piece, I love it

Social skills are definitely that– skills. I’ve been developing them for a few years now, and everything I tend to do now is exactly what you have written on here. Feels amazing, and I get along with people like never before. It was absolutely horrid in the beginning.

There is a lot of great information here, and it’s articulated very well.

THANK YOU for this article. Ive been going to therapy for years, trying to let them know that I need social skills training but they just say they cant help me because Im not autistic. This is the kind of information Ive been wishing they would give me. So this is so helpful so seriously thank you.

This article is FILLLLED with value.

Thank you so much, really.

So much useful stuff I wrote down!

How have you been?

wow. this article is insanely detailed.

Well written article. One good tip I can tell is whenever you want to start a conversation, have a purpose and don’t be vague. It will put off the other person. When there are questions involved listen to the person carefully and follow up with more questions. This will make the other person more interested to talk to you.

Awesome article and insanely useful tips! Thanks

your work is great and really helpful

Thanks for sharing this Great article
I appreciate the valuable time you have used to share this.