How to talk so kids will listen

How to talk so kids will listen

Джоанна Фабер, Джули Кинг

Как говорить, чтобы маленькие дети вас слушали: руководство по выживанию с детьми от 2 до 7 лет

Joanna Faber & Julie King

How to Talk So little kids will listen. A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

Copyright © 2017 by Joanna Faber and Julie King Originally published by Scribner, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© Фатеева Е., перевод на русский язык, 2017

© Оформление. ООО Издательство «Э»,2017

Из этой книги вы узнаете, что делать, когда ваш ребенок:

– не хочет чистить зубы

– не желает вставать и одеваться утром

– бесится в супермаркете

– разбрасывает книги в библиотеке

– никак не может заснуть

Человек всегда человек, даже если он маленький!

Голос, которым мы разговариваем с детьми, становится нашим внутренним голосом.

Я заметила первые симптомы увлечения, которое впоследствии привело к созданию этой книги, когда наступила моя очередь отвозить ее будущих авторов в начальную школу.

Посадив в машину свою дочку Джоанну, я проехала дальше, подобрала Джули, а еще через два квартала – Робби. Теперь все трое, пристегнутые на заднем сиденье, весело болтали друг с другом. Внезапно атмосфера изменилась, и разгорелся ожесточенный спор:

Робби: У него не было причины плакать! Его даже не задели.

Джули: Может быть, задели его чувства.

Робби: Ну и что? Чувства – ерунда. У тебя должна быть причина!

Джоанна: Чувства не ерунда. Они так же важны, как причина.

Робби: Ничего подобного! Причина точно должна быть.

Я слушала и дивилась этому маленькому народцу. До чего же просто определить, почему они так говорят. Мама Робби была серьезной, отнюдь не сентиментальной женщиной. Мама Джули, учительница музыки, с удовольствием обсуждала со мной открытия, которые я делала для себя на семинарах для родителей под руководством знаменитого детского психолога доктора Хаима Гинотта. Нам всегда было о чем подумать и что опробовать на своих детях.

Отголоски наших дискуссий появились на страницах книги, которую мы с Элейн Мазлиш решили написать. Каждая из нас испытала глубокие перемены в жизни, и мы были свидетелями столь удивительных трансформаций в жизни других людей, что было бы ошибкой не поделиться всем этим со многими и многими родителями. И что самое замечательное, мы получили благословление доктора Гинотта. Он прочитал первые черновые наброски книги и предложил нам услуги в качестве редактора.

Прошло двадцать пять лет. Наша первая книга «Свободные родители, свободные дети» получила премию Кристофера за «литературные достижения, подкрепляющие высшие ценности человеческого духа». За этой книгой последовало еще семь. Книги «Как говорить, чтобы дети, слушали, и как слушать, чтобы дети говорили» и «Братья и сестры: как помочь вашим детям жить дружно» стали бестселлерами, опубликованными более чем на тридцати языках.

Те маленькие девочки, которых я возила в начальную школу, выросли, вышли замуж, и у каждой родилось по трое детей. Они живут в разных частях страны, и они получили образование в разных областях. Я до сих пор не могу удержаться от улыбки, вспоминая, как Джули рассказывала мне о первом впечатлении, которое получила в качестве юриста-практиканта в адвокатской конторе. Она работала с судебным иском, который, казалось, был основан на простом отсутствии взаимопонимания.

– Можем ли мы пригласить стороны для разговора? Я уверена, что, выслушав точку зрения друг друга, они придут к согласию.

Начальник Джули был возмущен ее наивностью.

– Мы этого не сделаем. Вы не можете общаться с противоположной стороной.

По словам Джули, в этот момент она усомнилась, что правильно выбрала профессию.

Также я улыбаюсь, когда вспоминаю телефонный звонок от Джоанны, ее голос, торопливый и прерывающийся после сложного дня работы в классе, где у каждого ученика были «индивидуальные особенности».

– Эти дети не прекращают драться. Не класс, а какой-то бедлам. Я не могу вести урок! Что мне делать?

– Ну, ты знаешь, что я обычно делаю в таких случаях, но…

– А, ты про решение проблем. Хорошо, спасибо. Пока! – И она отключилась.

Джоанна тут же приступила к делу, буквально на следующее же утро, и мы с Элейн с воодушевлением описали потрясающие результаты ее тактики в нашей книге «Как говорить с детьми, чтобы они учились».

Так уж вышло, что и Джули, и Джоанна оказались вовлечены в деятельность семинаров для родителей: Джоанна на Восточном побережье, Джули – на Западном. Помогая родителям, многие из которых имели маленьких детей с различными проблемами, они решили объединить усилия и выпустить собственную книгу:

Мы с Элейн надеемся, что вы получите удовольствие и ценные знания, путешествуя по страницам этой книги.

Как все начиналось, Джули

Мой двухлетний сын помочился на коврик в манеже… опять! Что делать? Мое образование в области государственной политики и права оказалось бесполезным. Я была потрясена, насколько быстро меня бросило на колени маленькое существо – слишком маленькое, чтобы водить машину или даже завязывать собственные шнурки.

Я не планировала делать карьеру в качестве учителя для родителей. Я представляла себя мамой постольку-поскольку, и вовсе не думала забрасывать профессиональную карьеру. Но когда мне сказали, что мой первенец значительно отстает в развитии, как потом и второй ребенок, я поняла, что воспитание детей больше не может быть для меня «побочной деятельностью». Выяснилось, что я должна бесконечно консультироваться с медицинскими специалистами и психотерапевтами и отстаивать интересы детей с проблемами нейропсихического развития.

К счастью, я выросла вместе с лучшей подругой, Джоанной. Ее мама, Адель Фабер, сначала посещала, а потом и вела семинары для родителей с великим детским психологом, ныне покойным Хаимом Гиноттом. Мама Джоанны и моя мама тоже близкие подруги, и они проверяли все свои воспитательные стратегии на нас. Я не знала, что эти стратегии буквально спасут мне жизнь спустя много лет, когда я столкнусь с проблемами воспитания троих собственных детей.

Джули и Джоанна в детстве

Когда в подготовительной школе моего сына искали кого-то для организации родительского семинара, я вызвалась вести его, основываясь на книге Адель «Как говорить, чтобы дети слушали». Мой первый восьминедельный семинар имел такой успех, что все просили продолжить и вести его следующие восемь недель, и еще… В итоге мы закончили семинар через четыре с половиной года! Узнав о семинарах через «сарафанное радио», провести занятия стали просить другие родители, и так далее и тому подобное. О такой карьере я никогда и не мечтала.

Мы с Джоанной продолжали дружить. Во многих смыслах, мы совершенно разные. Она любит прогулки и собак (в этой книге вы найдете множество ссылок на собак), а мне нравится играть классическую музыку на фортепиано (поэтому рассуждения Джоанны о популярной музыке часто оказываются выше моего понимания). Тем не менее я всегда чувствовала, что могу говорить с ней на любые темы, Джоанна действительно слушает и понимает меня. Несмотря на то что мы теперь живем в разных концах страны, весь последний год мы трудились вместе и в результате написали эту книгу.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

Recently I’ve read a book about parenthood. I liked it a lot and I keep practising their recommendation. Also, the book’s concept is around pieces of advice in specific situations so it felt to me it would be easy to create a cheat-doc. This is what the doc should be about.

Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

Here are some ways to help children deal with their feelings.
1. I nstead of half-listening, listen with full attention. It can be discouraging to try to
get through to someone who gives only lip service to listening. It’s much easier to tell
your troubles to a parent who is really listening. He doesn’t even have to say
anything. Often a sympathetic silence is all a child needs.
2. Instead of questions and advice, acknowledge with a word — “Oh … Mmm … I see.” It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her. There’s a lot of help to be had from a simple “Oh … umm …” or “I see.” Words like these, coupled with a caring attitude, are invitations to a child to explore her own thoughts and feelings, and possibly come up with her own solutions.
3. Instead of denying the feeling, give the feeling a name. The child who hears the words for what he is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged his inner experience. (“That sounds frustrating!”)
4. Instead of explanation and logic, give a child his wishes in fantasy. When children want something they can’t have, adults usually respond with logical explanations of why they can’t have it. Often the harder we explain, the harder they protest. Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear. (“I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”)

Engaging Cooperation

Some of the methods most commonly used by an adult to get children to cooperate are:

There are other ways.

1. Describe. Describe what you see, or describe the problem. It’s hard to do what needs to be done when people are telling you what’s wrong with you. It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when someone just describes it to you. (“There’s a wet towel on the bed.”)

2. Give information. Information is a lot easier to take than an accusation. When children are given information, they can usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done. (“The towel is getting my blanket wet.”)

3. Say it with a word. Children dislike hearing lectures, sermons, and long explanations. For them, the shorter the reminder, the better. (“The towel!”)

4. Talk about your feelings. Make no comment about the child’s character or personality. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful. (“I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”)

5. Write a note. Sometimes nothing we say is as effective as a written word. (“Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel.”)

Alternatives to Punishment

To punish or not to punish? What could I do instead?

1. Express your feelings strongly — without attacking character (“I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”)

2. State your expectations. (“I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.”)

3. Show the child how to make amends. (“What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”)

4. Give the child a choice. (“You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.”)

5. Take action. (Child: “Why is the toolbox locked?” Father: “You tell me why.”)

6. Problem-solve. (“What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”)

✓ Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.

✓ Talk about your feelings and needs.

✓ Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.

✓ Write down all ideas — without evaluating.

✓ Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

Encouraging Autonomy

1. Let children make choices. It must be very hard to be an adult who is forced to make decisions about career, lifestyle, mate without having had a good deal of experience in exercising your own judgment. (“Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants?”)

2. Show respect for a child’s struggle. When a child’s struggle is respected, he gathers the courage to see a job through himself. (“A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.”)

3. Don’t ask too many questions. Too many questions can be experienced as an invasion of one’s private life. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it. (“Glad to see you. Welcome home.”)

4. Don’t rush to answer questions. When children ask questions, they deserve the chance to explore the answer for themselves first. (“That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”)

5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. We want our children to know that they’re not completely dependent upon us. The world outside the home — the pet shop, the dentist, the school, an older child — can all be called upon to help them with their problems. (“Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.”)

6. Don’t take away hope. By trying to protect children from disappointment, we protect them from hoping, striving, dreaming, and sometimes from achieving their dreams. (“So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”)

Praise

Instead of evaluating, describe.

1. Describe what you see. (“I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.”)

2. Describe what you feel. (“It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”)

3. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behaviour with a word. (“You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens, and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!”)

Freeing Children from Playing Roles

To free children from playing roles:

1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself. (“You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!”)

2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. (“Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?”)

3. Let children overhear you say something positive about them. (“He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt.”)

4. Model the behaviour you’d like to see. (“It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations!”)

5. Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments. (“I remember the time you…”)

6. When your child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. (“I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.”)

Get Your Kids to Listen to You + Strengthen Your Bond With Them at the Same Time.

Learn how to talk so kids will listen while also maintaining a strong bond with them.

This post contains affiliate links, see my Disclosure Policy.

“That’s not fair!” my youngest daughter shouted. Fists clenched, eyes glared, and smoke practically billowing from her ears as she accused her sister.

“She’s had four of those chocolate cookies and I’ve only had three!”

Here we go again, I thought – attune to the sound of sibling rivalry.

I tried to reason with her:

“Don’t you remember, you had your fourth cookie after dinner yesterday while your sister was at basketball practice?”

She pounded her feet on the floor and her face turned a shade of red just before yelling, “That’s not true!”

The battle line was drawn and tension rising.

“Please calm down.” I said as I continued my line of reasoning.

“No!” she screamed and made a face at me.

My back tensed at the rude gesture while a wave of hopelessness came over me.

Nothing I said seemed to change her mind – she wasn’t backing down.

And that’s when I realized I was going about this all wrong.

When I was a new mother I was desperate to get my kids to listen to me while also maintaining a strong bond and open communication with them. Was that even possible?

As I watched my tiny infants emerge into speaking toddlers, all of a sudden they were voicing opinions. Following on its heels was the dreaded temper tantrum that inevitably erupted when things didn’t go their way.

Suddenly, I found myself feeling the need to keep my kids in line, let them know the right way to behave, and who was in charge.

I was worn out and increasingly felt that not only were my discipline methods ineffective but that the bond between us was growing thin.

Then one evening I slumped on the sofa and was on the verge of tears when a book caught my eye. I had forgotten about this one: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

“Yes”, I thought. “That’s exactly what I need!”

I devoured that book in just a few hours. The insights were simple and made so much sense.

Instead of simply lecturing and telling kids how to behave, the authors emphasize that parents will be more successful if they help kids understand their feelings through active empathetic listening.

Why?

That sounds great and everything but…

How do you listen to a kid who’s screaming and yelling because you said you wouldn’t buy him a matchbox car in Target?

And really? I’m just supposed to acknowledge their feels when my daughter blatantly disobeys me by running away when I told her we need to leave the playground?

It goes against every fiber of our instinct not to yell, be firm or to present our kids with consequences for their bad behavior. But empathizing with kids has the magical effect of making kids feel safe, trusted, and understood which ultimately leads to – open communication and cooperation – the end goals we’re after.

But there ’s a catch. Simply listening to your kids won’t get you the results you’re after.

Practice makes perfect (or ‘kind of perfect’)

Holding back our own emotions when kids speak out can feel like a betrayal of what we want to be – strong parents who are in charge.

And trust me, there WILL be times when you’ll find yourself not able to hold back.

But trying to incorporate even a few active listening techniques and acknowledging kids’ feelings will begin to lessen some of the all-out wars that can erupt if we’re not careful.

We’ve all been kids before. We know what it feels like – our feelings are intense and often confusing, the world is strange and doesn’t make sense, and what we want more than anything is to feel accepted and know that we’re on the right track.

Having an adult – and especially a parent – who sends a message of empathy and understanding adds to the security kids yearn for. Which not only reduces the frequency and intensity of confrontations but strengthens our relationship with our kids.

What happened next was golden

In her embattled state, I picked up my daughter, carried her to the stairs away from her sister and sat down next to her. Looking her in the eyes I asked: “You’re pretty mad, huh?”

Out rushed all the emotions she was feeling. Her sister always gets more than her and she honest-to-goodness didn’t have four cookies. As she spoke, I kept my mouth shut, shook my head and acknowledged that she was pretty darn angry.

At that intense moment, I didn’t mention the yelling, the way she almost hit her sister or the rudeness of her tone. I just acknowledged what she was feeling.

What happened next was magical.

My daughter began to calm down. The anger over the cookie simply went away. She gave me a hug and said, “Sorry, Mom.” and walked back into the kitchen with her sister.

Later, when the dust settled, I discussed the yelling, almost hitting and rude tone of voice.

“Would you like it if I spoke to you that way?” I asked.

“It’s OK, to have strong feelings,” I said. “But it’s not OK to pretend to hit your sister or speak to me in a rude tone.”

This wasn’t the first or last confrontation that’s happened in our house. And helping our kids understand the respectful way to express their emotions is most certainly a work in progress (as is my consistent use of empathetic listening!).

But as with all of parenting, we aim high and ultimately end up somewhere in the middle – hoping for greatness but in reality just doing the best we can.

>>>To read more about the ideas in this post, you must, must, must read the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, Listen so That Kids Will Talk. I love this book so much I give it out as a present at every baby shower I attend.

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

A must-have resource for anyone who lives or works with young kids, with an introduction by Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, the international mega-bestseller The Boston Globe dubbed “The Parenting Bible.”

For over thirty-five years, parents have turned to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for its respectful and effective solutions to the unending challenges of raising children. Now, in response to growing demand, Adele’s daughter, Joanna Faber, along with Julie King, tailor How to Talk’s powerful communication skills to children ages two to seven.

Faber and King, each a parenting expert in her own right, share their wisdom accumulated over years of conducting How To Talk workshops with parents and a broad variety of professionals. With a lively combination of storytelling, cartoons, and fly-on-the-wall discussions from their workshops, they provide concrete tools and tips that will transform your relationship with the young kids in your life.

What do you do with a little kid who…won’t brush her teeth…screams in his car seat…pinches the baby. refuses to eat vegetables…throws books in the library. runs rampant in the supermarket? Organized according to common challenges and conflicts, this book is an essential emergency first-aid manual of communication strategies, including a chapter that addresses the special needs of children with sensory processing and autism spectrum disorders.

This user-friendly guide will empower parents and caregivers of young children to forge rewarding, joyful relationships with terrible two-year-olds, truculent three-year-olds, ferocious four-year-olds, foolhardy five-year-olds, self-centered six-year-olds, and the occasional semi-civilized seven-year-old. And, it will help little kids grow into self-reliant big kids who are cooperative and connected to their parents, teachers, siblings, and peers.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: Summary & Review

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen provides parents and educators with the knowledge and techniques to communicate with children in a way that reduces frictions and tantrums and improves the children’s behavior.

Bullet Summary

Full Summary

About the Authors : Elaine Mazlish (1925 – 2017) was an American parents’ educator and author. Adele Faber studied theater and drama before earning her master’s degree in education. She then studied children’s psychology and made a professional career in the field.

Introduction

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” says that blaming your children for your parenting woes is the wrong approach.
Instead, you should focus on improving your communication with them.

With better communication, you can improve their behavior, your relationship with them, and very possibly even improve their future.

Faber and Mazlish propose a model based on listening, sharing your feelings, and respecting your kids.
Here are a few takeaways from “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen”:

Acknowledge Their Feelings

The authors say that many times children don’t listen because parents fail to acknowledge their feelings.

Imagine for example you’re shopping at the mall and your 5 years old begins to complain he is hungry.
You tell him to wait and he gets louder:

I am hungry. I want food now

As the kid raises his voice many parents would raise their voice back telling him to be quiet.
But most kids won’t listen and only get noisier.
The authors say that much of children’s behavior is tied to how they feel, and when we fail to address it he feels ignored and spurned. He cannot understand why he should behave when he is feeling bad and you fail to address his concerns.

Instead, address the underlying cause of his misbehavior:

I can understand you are. It’s been a while since breakfast, eh?

Remember that the same rule of honesty applies to communication with children. Don’t pretend you understand it is tantrum if you don’t.

How to Acknowledge Their Feelings

A mistake many do in communication is to minimize people’s feelings. Telling them it’s nothing, that it’s OK, that they can get it replaced or that they will smile about it tomorrow.

This is bad practice with adults already, and it’s even worse with children.

Instead, you want to take people’s feelings seriously. Pace their own reality. If they cry because a sticker got unstuck don’t tell them it’s nothing, but try something like this:

It’s terrible. One of your favorite sticker ripped. And now your album is not a perfect album. Sure, we can get another sticker on top, but right now it’s broken. I can imagine how upsetting it is. If I would get a scratch on my new car I would very upset as well.

When you can make kids feel understood they won’t have as much a need to keep crying and misbehaving.

But remember: all feelings can be accepted but certain actions must be restricted.

Steps to Acknowledge Kids’ Feelings

Explain the WHY

Sometimes children will throw tantrum against your rules.

Imagine your kid is resisting the bedtime rule and wants to stay up for longer.
The first thing you would do is to explain the reason behind the rule:

When you stay up late you will be tired in the morning

Then you can offer more information as to why that’s a bad thing. For example:

When you are tired in the morning you will not have energy for school and you will find it difficult to focus and concentrate

But what do you do when your child refuses to listen?

Don’t Punish but Enlighten and Instruct

The authors say that punishment leads to an escalation of anger.

Your child is also more likely to grow bitterness towards you, making it more unlikely he will listen in the future.
And in some cases, children fail to see the connection between punishment and wrongdoing. When that’s the case, punishment is utterly useless in helping them learn.

My Note: It’s potentially harmful, not just useless
Continuous punishment when the kid fails to see the connection between punishment and wrongdoing can lead to learned helplessness

Here is a better approach the authors recommend with the example of a child coming home late:

Let Them Make Their Own Mistakes

It’s uncomfortable seeing our children doing mistakes and struggling when we feel we know better or we could help them quickly.

Yet it’s often best to let them find their own answers and solutions.
The authors say that you shouldn’t always intervene when you see them struggling to tie their own shoelaces.

In extreme cases of children wholly dependent on you, they will grow a feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. The children of overbearing parents feel infantilized and violated. Like they are not allowed to be themselves.

Here are a few ideas the authors propose:

How to Praise Effectively

The authors offer a few pointers on how to give effective praise:

The danger with negative labels is that the children will start believing in them and they will never manage to shake them off.
Labels can also become self-fulfilling prophecies when children start believing in them. Wouldn’t it be a pity if your child started living up your label of “lazy”, “slow learner” or, worst parenting of all, adjectives such as “stupid”?

Video-Summary

I particularly liked this summary on Youtube: