How to talk to anyone leil lowndes

How to Talk to Anyone: Summary & Review

How to Talk to Anyone (1999) is a social skills book redacted as a collection of 92 conversation and social skills.
Different people at different levels of interpersonal skills from beginner to advanced may find something in Leil Lowndes’ list of techniques.

Bullet Summary

Summary

About The Author : Leil Lowndes figures as “psychologist” in the new “Google card search result”, but I could not find any source to corroborate her educational background.
She certainly is a best-selling author though and a well-known figure in the “people’s skills” book circuit.

Part I: How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word

Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though as anyone who walked into your life would be the beneficiary.
Instead, look at their face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. And then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood your face and overflow into your eyes.
The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.

You can look at one person even while another person is speaking. This conveys a powerful “I care, I like you” sensation.
To soften the edge you can still look at the speaker most of the times but go back to the target when the speaker has just finished a point.

When you get introduced, turn body fully towards the new person and smile.

Treat someone you’ve just met as an old friend.
My Note: this is a very good technique and will make your whole body language follow naturally.

Visualize and imagine yourself as a very important person. That way all your verbals will fall into place automatically.
My Note: this is the same suggestion Jeanne Martinet in The Art of Mingling. It’s very useful, just make sure you don’t come across as stuck up.

Part 2: Small Talk

If a convo is dying and you want to let it continue without much effort, repeat their last words.
Example:

Her “and then I went to see match and it was amazing”
You “see the match?”
Her “yes, bla bla bla”

To get a bargain, learn the lingo of the sellers: it will make you sound like an insider

To get a new acquaintance talking, ask about her day, preferably about the last 5-6h.
She’ll love it because it’s so close to her experience.

Ask “how do you spend most of your time”.

Part 3: How to Talk Like a VIP

Don’t jump in with “me too” which seems over-excited. Let them finish first instead, and the longer you wait to share your commonality, the more impressive it will sound.

My Note:
This is the opposite as what Boothman suggests in “How to Make Someone Love You“. I say it depends. If you want to sound excited or go along with an overly excited mood, jump in. If you want to seem calmer and more powerful, wait.

Her: On rainy weekends, I usually go to a movie. In fact, just last week I saw one called..
You : I sure hope it doesn’t rain next Saturday because I have my next horse riding lesson..
OR
You : I pray it does rain next weekend so rather than taking the missus shopping I’ll have an excuse to stay home and work on the new rec room..

Listen to people and let them finish before you get to the facts and ask questions

How to Talk to Anyone recommends the readers to start every appropriate sentence with “you”, it immediately grab your listener’s attention.

rather that “I think that suit looks great”.

Rather than “there’s this great Italian restaurant, do you wanna try it with me?” say ”

There’s this great Italian restaurant, YOU will love it, wanna try it with me this evening?“.

In an email, “I really enjoyed myself at the party” becomes “You really threw a great party the other night“.
You save people the step to translate it in their head “hmmm he says it’s great, but will I like it?”

Part 4: How to be an Insider in Any Crowd

When entering a party in a place where you don’t know anybody, just wave at space between people and smile.
Or wave at someone you think you like: people will think you are super popular and will later gravitate around you.

My Note:
Hillary Clinton was using this technique and it often looked very unnatural.

Do something new and different, try many things out. Just doing something will give you 80% of the words and stories you need to relate to anyone who’s an expert/professional in that field

Part 5: How to Sound Like You’re two Peas in a Pond

When someone is talking to you don’t just nod or say “uhu”, use full sentences. Such as “oh that’s a lovely thing to say

Ask what they’d like written on their tombstone (or what they love the most about them) and then tell them you appreciate them for exactly that quality they’d like engraved.

My Note:
it’s easy to make this one an awkward moment. You need a bit more rapport and serious talk or you’ll across as a weirdo.

Notice the words they use, and use the same ones. Match their speaking speed and tempo as well.

Part 6: Praise VS Flattery

Most people revel with bad news and gossip, but as also the 48 Laws of Power say, people associate us with what we say and talk about. Jump on good news and share good news instead

Search one attractive and very unique quality they have and, at the end of the conversation, mention their name, look at them in the eyes and deliver it.

Part 7: Direct Dial Their Heart

Part 8: Work a Room Like a Politician

Similar advice I read in other Leil Lowndes books: if you don’t know anyone go early and you will small circle of early birds by the time the party swells.

Remember and then refer to people’s minor and major events in their lives.
En.: you keep a file and note down people information. I do so.

Avoid sentences like “I’ll be honest with you”, “frankly” or “I will tell you the truth”: people will suspect all the rest you’ve been saying wasn’t true.

Part 9: Break the Glass Ceiling

Leil Lowndes righteously warns against mentioning business when you bump into someone by accident. That’s not the right time for that and they will respect you for giving them their space.

Pretend nothing’s happened when someone makes a mistake.
If a coffe is spilled, keep talking while you drain it with a napkin. If a waiter spills your order, make it’s nothing.

When there’s someone whose service you value, make a compliment, ask who the supervisor is and then send a letter-mail to the supervisor.

Be the first one to applaud or to congratulate the person giving a speech you agree with. Lead the crowd into acceptance.

Leil Lowndes Power Moves Tips

This is a collection from all that I’ve read from Leil Lowndes, not necessarily from “How to Talk to Anyone” and that seem very befitting to the spirit of this website:

Sit at the right side of the most powerful person in the room.
Men are uncomfortable sitting where they don’t see the door and want “their woman” to be on their right while they put a friend to the left.

“How to Talk to Anyone” makes no reference to the pope but recommends choosing the highest seating in the room.
The highest chair is more important than being at the right of the host.
Example of a businessman who used to screw down all the chair in the meeting room except of his, so he’d sit the highest.

When you agree with someone you know by lowering your chin.
Do the opposite, move your chin upwards instead. But be aware of blending it with warm body gestures or it can come across as arrogant (see McGregor using the Nod Up:

If you’re late to a meeting, don’t demean yourself with an excuse as soon as you walk in but find an unflustered way to allude honestly at the problem you had later on.
You will come across as sincere and secure and not obsessed with what other people think of you, two important big cats traits.

WHEN ACCUSED AND GUILTY

To add frosting to the cake, thank your accuser for the opportunity to tell him.

Bonus:

This is actually the two very best tips I got from another book of Leil Lowndes, “How to Instantly Connect with Anyone”.

When you hug a person you like and he/she pats you on the back, they are sending friendly signals. And unluckily that means there’s no sexual interest, try someone else Romeo ;).

My Note:
I do not pat, not even male friends. Not patting is not necessarily sexual and it’s much, much warmer. I have noticed indeed that people who pat and/or withdraw very quickly tend to be either homophobes or not very comfortable in their skin.
Indeed in my experience patting too obviously sends a message of distance and discomfort.

Emotional prediction is what differentiates the winners from the losers.

Example 1 :
the CEO at the end of a difficult experiment tells the experimenter “glad that was over, it must have not been easy for you ”.
Most people would have said, “That was difficult, I am glad it’s over”.

Example 2 :
In an interview: “I hope for you this is the last interview, you must have had a grueling long day“. When going out she added, “I guess your real work starts now“.

Packed restaurant, the waiter is swamped. He finally gets to you with bated breath:

Him: Sorry the delay sir, what would you like to drink?
You: All good, I can see it’s super packed, you must be going crazy

Boom, now you’re his favorite customer and you just made the world a little more caring and human place.

Leil Lowndes describes the CEO as if it were obvious that the top man has the highest emotional intelligence.
But that’s not true. Data shows that CEOs have lower emotional intelligence.
Also read: Corporate Manipulations.

Lacking a focused topic it’s normal Leil Lowndes “tricks” tend to fall a bit all over the place.
And just as a note, the “little tricks” format can be dangerously misleading: if you want to get good at anything, drop the easy fix mentality (John Maxwell).

There are, of course, quit a few known and common sense “little tricks” in How to Talk to Anyone, but on the other hand, they can serve as a refresher.

How to Talk to Anyone Review

“How to Talk to Anyone” is a lovely book and you can see Leil is a master socialite.

But she’s also very good at weaving all her tips in an entertaining, pleasurable narrative you will likely gobble up in a single session.

If you are reading this summary to improve your social skills make sure to also read my blog section on social power.

And if you enjoyed this summary please consider getting the book through this link and help me keep this website running:

Book notes: How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes book summary review and key ideas.

Synopsis:

“What is that magic quality that makes some people instantly loved and respected? Everyone wants to be their friend (or, if single, their lover). In business, they rise swiftly to the top of the corporate ladder. What is their “Midas touch?”

What it boils down to is a more skillful way of dealing with people.

The author has spent her career teaching people how to communicate for success. In her book How to Talk to Anyone, Lowndes offers 92 easy and effective sure-fire success techniques – she takes the listener from first meeting all the way up to sophisticated techniques used by the big winners in life. In this information-packed audiobook you’ll find:

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Opening thoughts:

I don’t remember exactly how I cam across this book but I imagine it might’ve been through Audible recommendations. It’s been on my list for a while now but it seemed like a great book for this month since I’m actively learning and applying sales and customer service in my new job. I presume the the principles and tips I’ll learn in this book will be extremely useful in my life right now.

Key notes:

Part 1: How to intrigue everyone without saying a word

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”

Part Two: How to Know What to Say After You Say Hi

Part 3: How to Talk Like a VIP

Part 4: How to be an insider in any crowd

Part 5: Instant rapport

Part 6: How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery

Part 8: How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room

Main ideas / Themes:

Closing thoughts:

To be honest, I really didn’t like this book. Not only was there only really 2-3 good nuggets in the book, but a solid 80% of the book could have been edited down and saved the reader a ton of time.

Perhaps it’s just my preference, but I really did not like all of her flowery and seemingly superfluous language. For example “How to differentiate the power of praise from the folly of flattery.” And this happens more often than I’d like.

About 1/3 of the way through, I was thinking, “omg, how much longer is this book?? I’m already over it!

Content wise, there isn’t anything in here that you couldn’t find in bigger and more popular self-help books in the same realm. There’s just so much fluff, and the tips that were actually of value were merely quick fix tactics, and not long term strategies or powerful mindsets. Half of the time, I felt like doing some of these things will make me feel manipulative.

Regardless, I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. I’d recommend they read one of the online book reviews for this book. (Even if its not mine, as long as you get good information out there).

One Takeaway / Putting into practice:

One of the things I have been putting into practice since reading this book was saying “what do you spend most of your time doing?” instead of “what do you do for work?” which I think sounds a lot better and open ended to allow them to talk about something they’re passionate about.

That being said, my one takeaway for this review would be:

This shouldn’t be too hard, but I’ll definitely try the “tombstone technique” on people when the time is right.

Nutshell:

92 Little Tricks on how to be less socially awkward, but only 20 of them are actually useful or worth internalizing.

Similar books:

Rating:

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How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes: Visualized

Learn the main ideas of ‘How to Talk to Anyone’ at one glance and master communication

Chapter 1

1 / 20

Not a single book or communication guru ever avoided the topic of a smile. Indeed, all this smilemania was started by Dale Carnegie in his 1936 epic How to Win Friends and Influence People.

2 / 20

But Leil Lowndes, the author of How to Talk to Anyone, says that we are now doing our poor half-smiles so often and so quickly that they don’t mean as much.

3 / 20

One day, Leil was at a party where she chatted with a recently divorced friend who had lost her job. In need of new contacts, this friend reacted to all males with a slight nod and a split-second smile.

4 / 20

But then a small kid, son of the hosts, came to them. Leil’s friend turned toward the child, touched his elbow, and greeted him with a warm and full-blown smile.

5 / 20

Leil asked her divorced friend to do the same to the grown-ups. After some hesitation, her friend greeted a new guest in the same way. Needless to say, she left a party with a new boyfriend.

6 / 20

According to Leil, it was a combination of two techniques: Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot.

7 / 20

The Flooding Smile means we look directly at the subject of our interest, don’t rush, wait for a second and, when sure we are noticed, allow for a big, warm wave of a smile to capture our whole face.

8 / 20

The delay lets our partners understand that our smile is addressed strictly to them.

KEY IDEA: Don’t limit yourself with quick half-smiles.

9 / 20

The Big-Baby Pivot, on the other hand, tells us to treat all grown-ups like Big Babies: our full-body turn towards them screams, “I think you are very, very special.”

10 / 20

Next in our communications-must checklist is eye contact, and rightfully so. In one experiment, the participants were tricked into looking into their peers’ eyes to count their blinks in a conversation.

How To Talk To Anyone Summary

1-Sentence-Summary: How To Talk To Anyone is a collection of actionable tips to help you master the art of human communication, leave great first impressions and make people feel comfortable around you in all walks of life.

Read in: 4 minutes

Favorite quote from the author:

Table of Contents

Video Summary

One of the greatest things about knowing yourself well is that you can tell other people how you function. Give them an instruction manual, so to speak. One of the worst things about doing so is that they then tend to box you in. Whenever I tell people I’m an introvert, they somehow expect me to never leave the house. That’s nonsense, of course.

Human behavior lies on a spectrum. Always. And besides each situation being different, you can also train yourself to change. Like Leil Lowndes, who turned from a shy school teacher into a flight attendant, actress, cruise director, and later even coach, talk show host and speaker! How To Talk To Anyone is one of her many books on communication, highlighting 92 of her best tips for being successful in human relationships.

It’s a very practical how-to guide, so let’s see some of the specific advice she has to offer:

Ready for a rapid-fire session of quick communication hacks? Let’s get to it!

How To Talk To Anyone Summary

Lesson 1: Smooth introductions tend to turn into good conversations.

The part we sweat the most when meeting new people is always the first ten seconds. Often, that’s the only part we’re sweating. If you’ve ever talked to a stranger, you know this is true. Once you’ve gotten over that initial hurdle, things usually go just fine. That’s why Leil suggests simply skipping that first, potentially awkward part. How? By getting an introduction!

If you’re at an event, ask the host to introduce you. You’ll both know them, which makes for an instant connection. Another option is to ask the host for a few details about the person, which you can use to strike up a conversation. Or just linger close by and observe their other conversations until you can drop in. Introverts could also bring a flashy conversation starter, like a dashing outfit or a gimmick, as well as smile, nod, and wave.

And if you’re trying to replicate this online, email introductions work well, if a mutual acquaintance makes them. I use them all the time. There, you can even use whatever information you find to show you’re prepared, which is called the briefcase technique. Oh, and if you’re the host, make sure you help your guests do the same!

Lesson 2: Mimicry and companionship are two powerful ways to form a connection.

The easiest way to get people to like you is to keep them talking about themselves. But while it’s nice that you don’t have to say all that much, eventually it’ll be your turn, or maybe you love to talk too. So what else can you do once the introduction is made? Two powerful tools, Lowndes says, are mimicry and companionship. Here’s what she means:

First, people will subconsciously feel comfortable around you if your and their movements are the same. If they use their hands a lot, use yours too, and so on. Another thing I tend to do naturally is to use the same words to describe the same things. What’s more, if you know they like something, use vocabulary from that area, for example call them “mate” if they enjoy sailing.

Second, showing people you’re on the same page goes a long way. I tend to interject affirmations like “yes” and “uh-huh,” but Leil suggests full sentences are better at achieving the same. If you can refer to you and your conversation partner as “we” and “us,” that’s also a win. Saying “how do you like our new cinema” puts you on the same team, an in-group, if you will. This will also lead to in-jokes quickly, which are one of the best ways to strengthen bonds over time.

Nothing like a running gag to keep spirits high, ain’t that right?

Lesson 3: The better you know someone, the more specific you should be in your praise.

One of the most common tips to get along well is to give people compliments. That’s true, but according to Leil, there are some misconceptions around the idea of praise, especially when it comes to when and how to deliver it. As a rule of thumb, the more you know and appreciate someone, the more detailed and frequent you can be in telling them.

For example, if you’re working together with someone for the first time, tell a mutual colleague to let them know they did great. If you do it personally, make it indirect, for example by stating their achievement as a fact and then asking them how they did it. Or ask for their opinion, which is something that makes us feel valued every time.

If you know someone well, like a close friend or someone you’re keen on dating, you can commend them for their performance right after an important event. And for the most special people in your life? Highlight their best, specific traits you admire. Maybe it’s their sense of humor, maybe it’s their humility, but life is short, so let those closest to you know why you love them in many ways.

How To Talk To Anyone Review

As you can tell from my summary, How To Talk To Anyone is very practical, focused on little tricks you can try today. It’s important to not overdo it on books like these, because you’ll drown in tactics you’ll never employ, but the occasional experiment is very useful indeed. Give some of what we discussed a shot and if you feel ready for more, consider getting a copy of the book.

Audio Summary

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Who would I recommend the How To Talk To Anyone summary to?

The 16 year old high schooler, who’s a few nights away from prom, the 32 year old real estate agent, who’s income depends on her relationships, and anyone who butchers compliments all the time.

This book has an average rating of 4.2 based on 24 votes.

How to Talk to Anyone at Work: 72 Little Tricks for Big Success Communicating on the Job

From the bestselling author of How to Talk to Anyone comes a book dedicated to helping business professionals at any level communicate for success on the job


You face tough communication challenges every day at work, both in person and online—a toxic boss, backstabbing coworkers, office politics, and much more. Here are immediate, effective, eye-opening actions you can From the bestselling author of How to Talk to Anyone comes a book dedicated to helping business professionals at any level communicate for success on the job


You face tough communication challenges every day at work, both in person and online—a toxic boss, backstabbing coworkers, office politics, and much more. Here are immediate, effective, eye-opening actions you can take to resolve those infuriating problems. You will find stories and examples drawn from corporate communications consultant Leil Lowndes’s more than 20 years of training business professionals, from entry-level new hires to CEOs. To succeed today, you must exhibit these crucial qualities, the 5 Cs:

CONFIDENCE
10 ways to show your boss and colleagues you are 100 percent self-assured and can achieve whatever you want—and reinforce this image throughout your entire working relationship

CARING
14 strategies to demonstrate you care about your colleagues and the company because «people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care»

CLARITY
12 techniques to get your ideas across clearly—and ensure you understand everybody you work with

CREDIBILITY
14 methods to win the trust and respect of everyone at your company—and impress people who find you on the web

COEXISTENCE (WITH CRUEL BOSSES & CRAZY COLLEAGUES)
21 tactics to confront the number one workplace nightmare and come out shining

Plus one final astonishing technique to guarantee success and happiness in your professional life. After you’ve mastered the unique «bag of little tricks» in this book, you will know How to Talk to Anyone at Work!

Get A Copy

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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Takeaways

Introduction
1. ***The dynamics of the workplace is different from real life. You can’t simply treat your colleagues like how you would treat anyone outside the office; you must factor in their position, prejudice, boss, and relationship with anyone in the company.
2. ***Your work can be either a dream job or a nightmare depending on your ability to communicate effectively with everyone in your place of employment. You can change the way people treat you and boost your chance of getting Takeaways

Introduction
1. ***The dynamics of the workplace is different from real life. You can’t simply treat your colleagues like how you would treat anyone outside the office; you must factor in their position, prejudice, boss, and relationship with anyone in the company.
2. ***Your work can be either a dream job or a nightmare depending on your ability to communicate effectively with everyone in your place of employment. You can change the way people treat you and boost your chance of getting ahead by practicing this learnable skill.

Confidence
1. 55% of your impact on your coworkers comes from your stature, your movements, and your expressions; only 38% from the sound of your voice and 7% from your spoken words. This is the reason why the first glimpse your colleagues have of you becomes the image they remember and influences all of their subsequent interactions with you.
2. ***Greet your colleagues by their names. Hearing your name from someone else’s lips activates the pleasure center in your brain. But don’t overdo it.
3. Take long brisk strides wherever you walk at work. When you have a walk that’s full of life and energy, everyone thinks you are more involved in your work.
4. Whether sitting or standing, fill your entire personal space by fast, spread-out gestures. Massive movements hint at big thoughts and complete confidence. Small, hesitant gestures will not make you look like a leadership material.
5. ***Practice upright posture a lot to make it your natural position. Upright posture increases our testosterone (confidence hormone) and decreases our cortisol (stress-inducing hormone).
6. Shrink your distance from someone who intimidates or irritates you. They’ll never know if you’re afraid or angry. Stepping closer is an excellent way to mask insecurity or hostility.
7. Avoid using weakening words and phrases to sound confident in e-mail or instant messaging. Substitute all of them with something stronger:
• ***Do not put your desires in the past tense («I wanted to know»). It makes you sound embarrassed about them. Put them in the present.
• There’s no need to say «I’m sorry,» when you’re not guilty of anything.
• Steer clear of these phrases: «I’ll try,» «I think,» «I just want to ask,» «just a thought/question,» «sorry to bother you,» «I might,» «I can’t,» «sort of,» «I’m wondering if.»

Clarity
1. Repeat silently what the speaker is saying, but put it into your own words. In this way, you’ll understand the message more clearly and remember it longer.
2. ***If you want to be sure if your message was received with comprehension, wait for the «I got it» receipt. Keep talking until you are 100% sure your listeners grasped exactly what you were saying. Good communication starts with stating something clearly and making sure it’s understood.
3. When you show you don’t quite understand something, people won’t think you’re slow. On the contrary, they’ll realize you are wise for wanting the exchange to be completely clear. Your coworkers want to know if you’ve fully grasped what they’ve said, so help them out.
4. Encourage feedback and get your listeners to ask questions to know if they really got your message clearly. Say things like: «That sounds very complicated. You must have questions.» Or, «Does that make sense? Please tell me.»

Credibility
1. The first thing most people do when they want to find out more about an individual, whether for professional or personal reasons, is jump online. What you put online must grab the kind of attention and express what you want to communicate about yourself.
2. ***Never let even the smallest lie creep into your communication. Tiny truths add up, and when the pile gets high enough, your credibility topples.
3. Stories engross and passion sells. When trying to bring someone to your way of thinking, consider more than just the facts. Other than delivering your points with passion and excitement, grab your listeners’ attention by telling a story.
4. ***Search for solutions before reporting problems. Even if you don’t find a resolution to a problem at work, searching for one, instead of whining, increases everyone’s respect for you.
5. A cluttered cubicle or office makes you less respected. A clean desk broadcasts, «I am organized in my work and in my thinking.»