How to win friends and influence people pdf

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (Book Summary + PDF)

How to Win Friends and Influence People was first written by Dale Carnegie in 1937. Since then it has sold over 15 million copies and become one of the most successful and influential business books of all time.

He wrote the book because he found out that the ability to communicate and deal with people properly is a HUGELY important business and life skill.

He claims that the amount of money we earn doesn’t necessarily reflect our technical knowledge (how-to stuff), but much more our ability to deal with people and our ability to lead people. If we want to earn more, get a promotion, or increase our business, it pays to learn how to effectively deal with people. (This claim is backed by science.)

This is what this book is all about. And it will not only help you in business, but truly in any area of life where people are involved. It will help you solve or most of the time even completely avoid conflicts. It will help you convince people of your ideas and opinions. It will make you a better leader. It will turn you into a conversation master. It will help you win friends. It will help you influence people more easily.

And most of all, it will make people LIKE you A LOT. Seriously. People will LOVE you if you apply the principles of this book. They will enjoy spending time with you and being around you. All because you will be only one of very few people who know how to deal with people in a nice, genuine, understanding, and successful way.

To achieve all of the aforementioned things and more, Carnegie teaches us a total of 30 principles divided into 4 parts:

We will be discussing each of the 30 principles separately.

There’s a lot to cover, a lot to learn, and a lot to read (it’s absolutely worth it though, I promise); so let’s jump right in with part 1 and principle 1.

Don’t have time to read the whole thing right now?

No worries. You can download a free PDF version by clicking the button below.

PART 1: Fundamental Techniques in
Handling People (3 Principles)

Welcome to part 1!

There are three fundamental techniques for handling people. They are kind of basic and unspecific, but MASSIVELY important whenever we’re dealing with people.

These simple techniques will be repeated throughout the book.

In fact, many techniques will constantly be repeated in different principles. I’m pretty sure that Dale Carnegie did that on purpose to make things really clear and truly hammer these techniques into our mind through constant repetition. So, if you sometimes feel like you’ve already heard something before, that’s how it should be.

Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn Or Complain

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

Criticism is dangerous. It puts a person on the defensive, makes him want to justify himself.

Criticism also arouses resentment, and hurts that person’s pride, feelings, ego, and sense of importance.

If we criticize someone, that person will usually almost immediately start to resent us. “Who do you think you are?! Do you think you’re better than me?! You couldn’t have done it better either. Next time I will criticize you, too, you little know-it-all.” This might be something they’re thinking.

Another thing that happens is that the person who gets criticized will start to justify himself. He will invent all kinds of reasons why it wasn’t his fault, why he couldn’t have done anything else, and that he tried everything he could. At best, that’s the start of a hefty dispute, nothing else. That’s leading us exactly nowhere. Even if someone KNOWS that he’s probably wrong, he will still justify himself.

What a HUGE waste of time and energy that could have been spared if a better way of handling such a situation had been used (we’ll learn many better approaches in this book).

Think about the last time you’ve been criticized for something.

Didn’t you immediately start to justify yourself? Be honest. You probably did, right? We all do it naturally. Another question. Did you like the person for criticizing you? Or did you resent the other person? Resentment, right? Again, this is our natural inclination. It’s just how it works…

Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return

Ultimately criticisms will always come back to us in the form of resentment and condemnation.

What we should do instead of criticizing is try to understand the other person. Be understanding and forgiving. Try to figure out why they do what they do. Try to see the situation from their perspective. This approach breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness instead of resentment and justification.

Criticizing, condemning and complaining is easy. To be understanding and forgiving takes self-control and character.

(By the way, studies completely back up this point. They show that human beings learn much faster through positive reinforcement than through criticism or even punishment. Reward for good behavior works better than criticism for bad behavior.)

Principle #2: Give Honest And Sincere Appreciation

John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers, said that the deepest urge in human nature is «the desire to be important.»

What do we all want? We want to survive, to eat and drink, to sleep, to have enough money, to protect our children and loved-ones, to have sex… AND we want to feel important.

Fairly often all of these basic wants are gratified – all EXCEPT a feeling of importance.

One way to give people a feeling of importance, is by giving them sincere appreciation and encouragement. Letting them know that they are important, what they do is important, and that they are doing a great job (at whatever it is).

Lincoln once began a letter saying: «Everybody likes a compliment.» William James said: «The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.» He didn’t speak, mind you, of the «wish» or the «desire» or the «longing» to be appreciated. He said the «craving» to be appreciated.

Everybody likes a compliment. Everybody likes a pat on the back. Everybody likes sincere appreciation. Everbody likes to know that what they do is important and that they do it well and that they should continue doing it.

Remember from earlier that people respond much better to positive reinforcement (appreciation) than to criticism. Positive reinforcement gives us a feeling of importance and makes us want to do even better next time, while criticism kills our ambition.

(Whenever I’m talking about positive reinforcements, compliments, and appreciation, I assume that these are meant sincerely.)

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.

Dale Carnegie tells us we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hungry for appreciation.

When we can truly appreciate someone, we give that person a feeling of importance. We give him motivation, increase his self-esteem, and ultimately make him feel better about himself.

When you think about it this way, it’s really a no-brainer… it doesn’t even cost a thing.

So what are some easy ways to do this?

We could compliment a co-worker on her great speech. Tell her that we really liked how confident she was. That we wish we’d also be as confident as her in front of a huge crowd. We could let her know that we got a lot out of it, that we learned a lot, that her PowerPoint slides were well put together, that she brought the point across very well…

We can try to find little things that most people don’t recognize but the person itself probably did on purpose. Maybe she’s wearing shoes that match her trousers very well.

We can appreciate someone’s personality traits like patience, ambition, and honesty. We can compliment someone on his or her work ethic. We could tell that person that we realize how hard he or she is working. We can compliment someone’s clothing style. Even a simple “Thank You” can do the job if it’s expressed through sincere appreciation.

Whatever it is. TRUE, FROM THE HEART appreciation is always welcome and satisfies a person’s craving to be appreciated. It satisfies their need to feel important.

Principle #3: Arouse In The Other Person An Eager Want

Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.

So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

This principle is absolutely KEY in influencing others.

To convince someone to do something, we must tell them what they will get out of it. What’s in it for them? How will they profit from this? How will this improve their life?

They don’t care about us, or why it’s going to help us. They couldn’t care less. What they care about is themselves and THEMSELVES ONLY. That’s basic human nature.

So to persuade someone, we must first be able to see things from their perspective. We must see things from their point of view. We must ultimately be able to convince them that it’s in their best interest. In other words, we must arouse in the other person an eager want.

Let’s say we’re trying to convince our kids to eat their broccoli. To convince the kids, we must think about reasons why they would want to eat it. Certainly not because it’s healthy… they couldn’t care less about that at their age. What we can do instead, is to paint a picture in their mind as to how their life will improve if they eat the broccoli. We can tell them that they will grow tall, strong, and handsome. That they will become great athletes because of all the nutrients in it. We can tell them that they will be the smartest kids in the class, and that the other kids will adore them for being so smart.

The key is finding reasons why the other person would want to do it. Reasons why it would be in their best interest to do it.

Let’s pretend you wrote a book and want to sell it to me. If you just tell me, “Hey Nils, I wrote this awesome book. Do you want to buy it?” NOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! I don’t care and I don’t want to buy it… Why should I? What’s in it for me? How will this book help me? How will this book improve my life? How will it make me feel better? I don’t know. I don’t see how this book will add value to my life. So no thanks…

Here’s what you should tell me instead, “Hey Nils, I got this book that shows you how to make more money so that you can buy your dream house, dream car, and generally buy anything you want. It will also show you how to do X and Y so that you can achieve this and that and even more.” NOW we’re talking! NOW I’m interested. NOW I see why I might want to get this book. I see what’s in it for me. I see how I will benefit from it… in other words, you aroused in me an eager want to buy this book from you.

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: «How can I make this person want to do it?»

See the situation from the other person’s perspective and find reasons why they would want to do it. How would they benefit from this? What’s in it for them? How could I make them want to do it?

In short: Arouse an eager want in them.

Part 1 In a Nutshell: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

So that was part 1 and the first 3 principles for winning friends and influencing people:

PART 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You
(6 Principles)

Welcome to the second part!

Here you will discover 6 ways to make people like you.

Let’s jump right in!

Principle #1: Become Genuinely Interested In Other People

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

The premise of this chapter is pretty simple. We can make more friends by becoming genuinely interested in other people than by talking about ourselves and trying to constantly convince them how awesome we are.

In a way we can learn this principle very well from dogs.

What do they do when we get home? They couldn’t be more excited and they greet as with sheer joy and enthusiasm. In other words, they show genuine interest in us. And it pays off for the dogs. They don’t have to work a day in their life. All they have to do is give us love.

The reason we like dogs so much, is the exact same reason why we like people. We LOVE people who are genuinely interested in us, who think we are good people, who seem to like us, and we especially love people who admire us.

On the other hand, you may have some friends that are constantly talking about themselves, bragging about how awesome they are, trying to impress everyone, and never give you a moment of time to talk about yourself or your interests. If you are trying to speak, they aren’t even listening properly. Instead they seem annoyed by the fact that you’re now talking, and are waiting for any moment to take over the conversation again. Or even worse, they constantly interrupt you while you’re talking. Ugh… I know some people who are just like that. I mean they are great people and all, but boy that is fcking annoying. I mean, give me a break!

The problem with these people is that they show NO interest in us. That’s why we don’t like them as much as others.

Okay, so what are some practical ways to show genuine interest in people?

One thing we can do is to always greet others with animation and enthusiasm as if we would like to tell them something like “Hey, it’s great seeing you again!” “I always enjoy seeing you.” “I like you”. “You’re really cool and interesting!” “I appreciate knowing you!” We should greet people in a way that shows we’re actually INTERESTED and EXCITED to see and talk to them.

Another thing is to just genuinely be curious and interested in our conversations. If your opposite mentions the she’s going to Spain in a few weeks, be curious and ask her about it. Where is she going? What is she going to do there? Why is she going there in the first place? Try to be interested in what she’s talking about.

If your buddy is talking to you about a book he just read and you feel that he really enjoyed it, ask him about it. What’s the book about? Why did he enjoy it so much? Just let him talk about it and if the opportunity presents itself, ask a follow-up question. By doing that you indicate that you’re truly interested in what he’s talking about.

Again, I emphasize that this interest should be GENUINE. Don’t fake it…

Principle #2: Smile

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

A smile brightens the lives of all who see it. A smile says “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

Let’s smile more often!

Most of us are super concerned about how we dress ourselves, and about how we look in general. A quick look in the mirror before leaving the house is a must for most people. We want to look good for the rest of the world.

What we often forget is that what we wear on our face speaks louder than what we wear on our bodies. Most people nowadays wear a frown on their face instead of a smile.

«People who smile tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.» – James V. McConnell

Smiles are powerful.

They can completely turn around someone’s day. I remember when I was in Brighton, UK, a few weeks ago. As I was walking down the street with my frown on my face (I was a bit nostalgic as I was thinking about old friends that I’d met there and not seen in a while), a man with a guitar walked towards me with a huge smile on his face. As he walked past me, he said, “Smile mate, the sun is out.” That simple sentence and smile completely transformed my mood.

Smiling is an easy way to make people like you. So whenever you go out, remind yourself of smiling at people. When you’re buying something in a shop, smile at the cashier. When you’re meeting your friends, smile and show them appreciation for being there. If you’re at the bar ordering drinks, smile at the bartender. Even when you’re on the telephone, smile because the person on the other end will notice it. Brighten the lives of others. Show them “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

What if you don’t feel like smiling?

You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.

Mood follows action. Keep that always in mind. If you don’t feel like smiling, just force yourself to do it, and in no time you will be cheerful again and smile automatically.

Principle #3: Remember That A Person’s Name Is To That Person The Sweetest And Most Important Sound In Any Language

Remembering and using someone’s name is a great and incredibly simple way to make a person feel important. Dale Carnegie says that it’s like making the other person a subtle compliment.

Remembering and calling someone by his or her name is a bit like saying: “Hey, I remember you. I know you. You’re important to me.” Whereas forgetting someone’s name is doing the exact opposite. It’s like saying to that person, “Whoops! Sorry dude, who are you again? You’re not that important to me.”

The WORST thing that can happen is to forget the name a couple of times and then have to ask the other person for the 4 th time what his or her name is. At that point you’ve pretty much shown to the other person that he or she is not important to you. That person will probably think, “This is the fourth time that I see this guy and he still doesn’t know my name? Wow, he must really give zero shits about me. What a douche!”

Seriously. If you reconnect with someone you’ve met before and don’t remember their name you’re starting off on the wrong foot.

Next time you meet someone, make a sincere effort to remember that person’s name. If you don’t fully understand, ask her to repeat it. If it’s a weird name, ask her to spell it for you. If necessary, write the name down at the next possible opportunity. That’s what Napoleon did. He would write the name down when he was alone, look at it, concentrate on it, fix it securely in his mind, and then tear up the paper. That’s how important names are!

The second point is really important, too. If you meet someone for the first time, and use their name a couple of times during the conversation, you can be sure that this person will remember you. There simply aren’t a lot of people who make the effort to do this.

Remember people’s names and call them by their name. It’s like telling the other person that he or she is important to you. In Dale Carnegie’s words: It’s like paying that person a subtle compliment.

Principle #4: Be A Good Listener – Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves

If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

People care mainly about themselves, their problems, their aspirations, their goals, and their interests. Oh and they LOVE talking about these things. All other things in this world are secondary. Especially other people’s problems. Ugh… other people’s problems. Who cares, right?

Carnegie encourages us to let the other person do most of the talking.

This way the other person can talk about all the things that he or she finds interesting, and doesn’t have to listen to our problems which they usually don’t care about anyway. What we can do while the other person is talking is to be genuinely interested, attentive, and possibly ask a few questions. Especially questions that we think the other person will enjoy answering. Again, it’s not about us. It’s about them.

Carnegie tells a story from when he once attended a party where he met a botanist whom he found very fascinating. For hours and hours he was listening with excitement as the botanist was talking about his life and his passion (plants, gardens, flowers etc. ), until the party ended and everyone went home.

Before leaving, that botanist told the host of the party that Carnegie was an interesting conversationalist and he gave him several compliments.

Carnegie must have made a fine impression on the botanist. Funny enough, he hardly said a word for being called a good conversationalist. What he did instead was to show a genuine interest in the botanist and his passion. He listened attentively and let him do the majority of the talking.

And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.

Again, that worked so well because people love talking about themselves and they love people who are interested in them. So, if they find in you someone who will genuinely listen to them and who is genuinely interested in what they have to say, they will LOVE you for it.

(Btw, I’m NOT saying that you should waste hours and hours listening to someone you don’t care about. These tactics work, but it’s your job to figure when to use them and with which people.)

Next time you have a conversation, try to pay attention to how much of the talking you do. Are you the one who’s doing most of the talking or are you listening more? How are you listening? Are you actively listening or are you already thinking about what you’re going to say next? Are you asking questions? Are you talking about yourself all the time? Or are you letting the other person talk about his or her interests, and problems?

By the way, do you want to know a good way to make someone definitely NOT like you?

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

Good stuff. Try it out sometime…

You get the point:

People care mainly about themselves. They LOVE talking about their problems, their struggles, and what’s going on in their lives. If you want to make the other person like you let him or her do most of the talking and let them talk about themselves.

Principle #5: Talk In Terms Of The Other Person’s Interests

…the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.

This one’s straightforward.

If we are in a conversation with someone it’s generally a good idea to direct the topic to something the other person is interested in. That helps us find some common ground, connect, and build rapport with the other person.

Let’s pretend you know that Janine hates the military and is strongly against it. If you, on the other hand, are in favor of the military and think it’s a necessity, what will happen if the two of you will start talking about the military? It will probably be a disaster and you’ll very likely end up in a fiery discussion about who’s right and who’s wrong. One thing is clear: You won’t become best buddies…

If instead you know that you and Janine both love mountains, what do you think will happen if you start talking about mountains? The conversation will flow like crazy. You might say, “Mountains are awesome because they are so big and strong!” And she will respond, “Exactly! Mountains are so awesome. Did you ever hear about the Mount Prutu? That is the biggest mountain in Eastern Europe and …….” You guys will be in a lively discussion that both of you enjoy. And because you are both genuinely interested in the topic, it’s very likely that you’ll start to like each other. You’ve found common ground and are connecting and bonding.

This is also especially important if you want something from someone.

You can’t just go up to that person and ask for it. It’s much smarter if you first connect with that person or at least put that person in a good mood.

That’s exactly what will happen if you direct the conversation to something that they are interested in. Let them talk about it and you will notice that their mood is quickly improving. Then once they’re in a good mood and like you for letting them talk about themselves and their interests, you can ask them. The odds are much better that they’ll accept your offer, proposal, or whatever.

Whenever Theodore Roosevelt (the 26 th president of the United States) expected a visitor, he would stay up late the night before, find out what interests the other person has, and then read up on that. This made sure that he could direct the conversation to something that his visitor was interested in. Nifty strategy, eh?

Here’s another example you probably know from your childhood:

Let’s pretend you’re a kid and for whatever reason you just broke your mother’s favorite coffee mug. When are you going to tell her? Do you tell her when she’s already stressed out, pissed off, or even angry because of something else? Or do you wait until she is in a good mood, generally happy and positive? As far as I can remember, I always waited until my mother was in a good mood, or until I had something positive to tell her beforehand (like a good grade at school).

This is the same principle.

What you could also do is ask the mother about something you know she loves to talk about. Ask her about that TV show she loves watching. Anything that boosts her mood will do. And only AFTER you’ve done that, you tell her about the broken mug.

So, next time you’re talking to someone, try to direct the conversation to something that the other person is interested in. You will soon see that the conversation becomes much more animated and enjoyable. (Especially for the other person, who will then, in return, love you for that.)

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble.

The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: «The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.» As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.

You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. All of us want that.

This is important.

We all crave appreciation and a feeling of importance. We all want approval. We all want to know that we’re doing a good job, that we’re good people, that other people like us, that they appreciate us, and that we’re important.

The question is: How do we make other people feel important? How can we nurture this deep desire in other people? (We’ve actually already discussed a few strategies in previous chapters.)

One way to do it is to ask ourselves this question: What can I truly admire about this person?

Let’s say someone obviously goes to the gym often and has a lot of muscles. This would be a thing to admire about him. So in that case we could tell him, “Man, you’re quite a machine eh?” “Those are some huge fcking arms!” “How often do you train in a week?” “I’m sure you’re working hard for that eh?”

This does so many great things on so many different levels. First, it gives him a feeling of importance. He gets appreciation and knows that all the hard hours that he spends in the gym get recognized by other people. This makes him already feel pretty good about himself. Second, by asking about his training frequency, you give him authority be implying that he must know a lot about working out. He can now teach you a bit about it. Third, he gets a chance to talk about something he’s interested in.

These are all great things for you. In that scenario it’s almost impossible, that this person will NOT like you.

That’s how powerful this little strategy can be.

Find something you can truly admire about another person and make him or her a sincere and honest compliment. This gives the other person a feeling of importance and makes him or her like you in turn.

Part 2 In a Nutshell: Six Ways to Make People Like You

That was part 2 of the book, all about making people like us. Here are his six principles:

Download How to Win Friends and Influence People Book

How to Win Friends and Influence People Book Summary

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is one of the most popular self-improvement books about how to deal effectively with other people. It is a classic book that remains a relevant even in modern social and business environments today. Becoming a better leader is part of any leader’s job, and this book helps to outline basic skills and practices you can incorporate into your everyday life to make positive steps towards turning those from practices to personality traits.

The book consists of 4 sections, with exercises in each chapter to help you attain the above goal, and they are as follows:

Part 1: Fundamental techniques in handling people
Part 2: Six ways to make people like you
Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking
Part 4: Be a leader: how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment

A quick start approach would be to skim through the book, reading the section headers and the practices involved with each topic. Then, carefully study the most relevant sections before moving on to the others. This simple step helps you ingrain the practices and matters in your mind for future use.

Fundamental techniques in handling people

In part one of ‘HTWFAIP’ Dale Carnegie discusses basic psychological principles to apply to relationships when you want to get the most out of someone. This part is especially interesting as it explains and applies the lessons and psychological findings of B.F Skinner and uses those to help you communicate with someone because we are not often creatures of logic, but rather an emotion.

He discusses the need to provide honest and sincere appreciation to fulfill their desire to be important. Satisfying the basic requirements of the human ego is one of the quickest ways to build trust with them. By denying them this, you inspire resentment.

The final principle is to stimulate desire within that person by providing them with a goal they want. In other words, give people an objective that they want, not what you want. Dale acknowledges this as a fundamental principle in the motivation of others but also states that to employ this tactic effectively, you must develop empathic abilities and be able to see their point of view so as to be able to convince them that your goal is ultimately in their best interest.

Six ways to make people like you

Part two discusses simple actions that you can employ easily to gain a person’s trust and friendship. This was one of my favorite sections because these are all things that we’ve learned at a young age, but eventually, stop doing whether out of forgetfulness or perceived lack of value. He discussed showing genuine interest in other people, smiling and it’s psychological impact, listening to other people and encouraging them to discuss themselves, inspiring importance and even the simple task of remembering someone’s name. The combination of all these steps will lead to someone enjoying your company, and therefore “like you”.

How to win people to your way of thinking

Part three was quite informative as it discusses techniques you can use to steer a conversation successfully without the recipient feeling like they are being controlled. The principles that stood out the most to us revolve mainly around avoiding conflict with the person and include subjects such as:

This last one seems counter-intuitive, however, the points he expresses about leaving someone free to speak their mind before interjecting allows them to feel like they’ve shown their idea entirely, leaving them far more responsive to the topic or point you have to add at that point. He goes on to discuss other key ways to lead a conversation effectively without inspiring conflict and succeeding in obtaining your goals.

Be a leader: how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment

Part four involves changing people’s core traits to be more efficient at completing tasks in the workplace. This is probably by far the most difficult section as everyone knows how sensitive people who are being subjected to change can be. Dale covers key topics such as how to approach providing criticism to someone, how to phrase your sentences neutrally to avoid giving direct orders and inspiring people to live up to a reputation you set for them by setting expectations. This section was particularly informative and helpful as these topics can not only help in the business world but personal relationships as well.

The book as a whole was a great read, and quite informative and useful in both workplace and personal situations. One thing to keep in mind while reading this book is that these are not magic tricks to help you win every conversation, but rather steps to take to change yourself as a person. By employing all these techniques in collaboration with one another, you will notice a change in the way that people respond to you in social and work environments. Reiteration and practice are essential to ensuring that you maintain these principles in your everyday life, but worth the time.

Download links to How to Win Friends and Influence People [PDF] from Amazon.com written by Dale Carnegie.

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Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends And Influence People

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How To Win Friends And Influence People

Eight Things This Book Will Help You Achieve

Preface to Revised Edition

How This Book Was Written-And Why

Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book

A Shortcut to Distinction

• Eight Suggestions On How To Get The Most Out Of This Book

Eight Things This Book Will Help You Achieve

• 1. Get out of a mental rut, think new thoughts, acquire new visions, discover new ambitions.

• 2. Make friends quickly and easily.

• 3. Increase your popularity.

• 4. Win people to your way of thinking.

• 5. Increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get things done.

• 6. Handle complaints, avoid arguments, keep your human contacts smooth and pleasant.

• 7. Become a better speaker, a more entertaining conversationalist.

• 8. Arouse enthusiasm among your associates.

This book has done all these things for more than ten million readers in thirty-six languages.

Preface to Revised Edition

How to Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1937 in an edition of only five thousand copies. Neither Dale Carnegie nor the publishers, Simon and Schuster, anticipated more than this modest sale. To their amazement, the book became an overnight sensation, and edition after edition rolled off the presses to keep up with the increasing public demand. Now to Win Friends and InfEuence People took its place in publishing history as one of the all-time international best-sellers. It touched a nerve and filled a human need that was more than a faddish phenomenon of postDepression days, as evidenced by its continued and uninterrupted sales into the eighties, almost half a century later.

Dale Carnegie used to say that it was easier to make a million dollars than to put a phrase into the English language. How to Win Friends and Influence People became such a phrase, quoted, paraphrased, parodied, used in innumerable contexts from political cartoon to novels. The book itself was translated into almost every known written language. Each generation has discovered it anew and has found it relevant.

Which brings us to the logical question: Why revise a book that has proven and continues to prove its vigorous and universal appeal?

Why tamper with success?

To answer that, we must realize that Dale Carnegie himself was a tireless reviser of his own work during his lifetime. How to Win Friends and Influence People was written to be used as a textbook for his courses in Effective Speaking and Human Relations and is still used in those courses today. Until his death in 1955 he constantly improved and revised the course itself to make it applicable to the evolving needs of an every-growing public. No one was more sensitive to the changing currents of present-day life than Dale Carnegie. He constantly improved and refined his methods of teaching; he updated his book on Effective Speaking several times.

Had he lived longer, he himself would have revised How to Win Friends and Influence People to better reflect the changes that have taken place in the world since the thirties.

Many of the names of prominent people in the book, well known at the time of first publication, are no longer recognized by many of today’s readers. Certain examples and phrases seem as quaint and dated in our social climate as those in a Victorian novel. The important message and overall impact of the book is weakened to that extent.

Our purpose, therefore, in this revision is to clarify and strengthen the book for a modern reader without tampering with the content.

We have not «changed» How to Win Friends and Influence People except to make a few excisions and add a few more contemporary examples. The brash, breezy Carnegie style is intact-even the thirties slang is still there. Dale Carnegie wrote as he spoke, in an intensively exuberant, colloquial, conversational manner.

So his voice still speaks as forcefully as ever, in the book and in his work. Thousands of people all over the world are being trained in Carnegie courses in increasing numbers each year. And other thousands are reading and studying How to Win Friends and lnfluence People and being inspired to use its principles to better their lives. To all of them, we offer this revision in the spirit of the honing and polishing of a finely made tool.

Dorothy Carnegie (Mrs. Dale Carnegie)

How This Book Was Written-And Why

During the first thirty-five years of the twentieth century, the publishing houses of America printed more than a fifth of a million different books. Most of them were deadly dull, and many were financial failures. «Many,» did I say? The president of one of the largest publishing houses in the world confessed to me that his company, after seventy-five years of publishing experience, still lost money on seven out of every eight books it published.

How to Win Friends and Influence People [Book Summary]

The most successful leaders all have one thing in common: They’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People.

As a salesman at one point in his life, author Dale Carnegie made his sales territory the national leader for the firm he worked for.

Fortunately for us, all the same lessons were packaged into the now famous book,How to Win Friends and Influence People.

But how do we find time to read and remember all 214 pages?

Most of us don’t. The book becomes another item on that backlog of to-dos we never seem to go to. That’s why we summarized the entire book for you. In fact, here is a quick snapshot of all 30 principles.

To capture the full lessons behind each of Carnegie’s principles (which are listed below), jump or scroll down for quick summaries, tweet-worthy quotes, and practice exercises.

Principle Overview:

World famous psychologist B.F. Skinner proved that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much faster and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.

Since then, further studies have shown that this same principle applies to humans as well: Criticizing others doesn’t yield anything positive.

We aren’t able to make real changes by criticizing people, and we’re instead often met with resentment. It’s important to remember that when dealing with people, we’re dealing not with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, who are motivated by pride and ego.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves.

Practice Principle 1:

Do you know someone you would like to change in some way? When you find yourself getting caught up in other people’s annoying habits or behaviors, think of a few reasons they might be acting the way they are.

Say to yourself, “I should forgive them for this because …” and conclude this sentence with an open mind. You’ll be in a much better position to hold back from criticizing.

Principle Overview:

The only way we can get a person to do anything is by giving them what they want. What do most people want?

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

We tend to take the people in our lives for granted so often that we neglect to let them know that we appreciate them. We must be careful to keep in mind the difference between appreciation and flattery, which seldom works with discerning people, as it is shallow, selfish and insincere.

Flattery comes from the tongue; appreciation comes from the heart.

Day in and day out, we spend most of our time thinking about ourselves. But if we stop thinking about ourselves for a bit and start thinking about other people’s strengths, we wouldn’t have to resort to cheap flattery and we could offer honest, sincere appreciation.

Principle Overview:

Lloyd George, Great Britain’s Prime Minister during World War I, who stayed in power long after the other wartime leaders had been forgotten, was asked how he managed to remain on top. His response: He had learned that it is necessary to “bait the hook to suit the fish.”

In other words, give people what they want, not what you want.

«Of course, you are interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.»

This principle is absolutely key in influencing others.

To convince someone to do something, we have to frame it in terms of what motivates them. And in order to do that, we have to be able to see things from their point of view as well as our own.

Most salespeople spend a lifetime selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle, wondering why they’re not successful as they completely ignore the customer’s needs.

If we can put aside our own thoughts, opinions, and wants, and truly see things from another person’s perspective, we will be able to convince them that it is in their best interest to do whatever it is we’re after.

«The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.»

Practice Principle 3:

Next time you want to persuade someone to do something, before you speak, pause and ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it? How can I frame this in terms of her wants?”

When you’re writing an email that contains a request, try replacing “I” and “my” with “you” and “your” as much as possible. Craft your language to make it about them.

We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?

Not to mention, nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.

According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.

What if, instead of arguing with someone, we admit their importance through appreciation? This can expand the other person’s ego so he can then become sympathetic and kind.

To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument, we can:

Next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone, don’t respond with criticism or a negative email. Instead, sleep on it. You’d be surprised how much perspective you can gain by giving yourself a bit of time to think the situation over.

Along similar lines of not engaging in arguments, we should also avoid telling someone that they’re plain wrong. If we begin by announcing that we’re going to prove something to someone, we’re essentially telling them that we are smarter than they are and we’re going to teach them a thing or two.

This comes off as a challenge. It arouses opposition and incites in the other person a desire to battle with us.

How to Win Friends & Influence People: Summary & Review

How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) is one of the most popular social skills book in the world.
Carnegie, the author, mostly advises on how to communicate and how to behave with others.

Bullet Summary

Here’s a pictorial summary of all of Carnegie’s principles:

Summary

About The Author : Dale Carnegie was an American writer and author and one of the first “self-help gurus” in history.
“How to Win Freinds and Influence People” is one of the best-selling books ever and the best-selling book in the self-help genre.
He is also the author of “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living“.

Part 1
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Criticism is terrible when you want to influence people or change their behavior.

It’s because criticism will put the recipient on the defensive and he can’t listen to you or focus on changing when he is busy defending himself.

The opposite might actually happen: to protect his ego, he will make up a story to rationalize that he isn’t so wrong after all… And that you’re a jerk.

My note:
Criticism indeed often raises the fight or flight response in people.

Principle 2: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Appreciation takes out the best from people.

My Note:
Later social experiments showed how flattery, even when people suspect second motives, is still effective. Check Cialdini’s Influence.

Every man you meet is superior to you in something. And you can learn from him

Principle 3: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

To get what you want from people, you must first understand what they want.

This is the “What’s In It For Me” principle and it’s also a law of power in Robert Greene’s “The 48 Laws of Power“.

And then you can present your wants and needs in a way that will satisfy their wants and needs.

Part 2
Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

Dale Carnegie says that the only way to make solid and lasting relationships is to be genuinely interested in them.

As the author is famously quoted with saying: to be interesting be interested.

You make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years making them interested in you

Principle 2: Smile

Dale Carnegie says that a smile is a way of saying “I like you and you make me happy”.

So smile to people when you greet them.

My note:
Schaefer in The Like Switch recommends you also flash your eyebrows upwards, which is an unconscious indicator of liking and acceptance.

Carnegie says that our actions influence our feelings as much as our feelings influence our actions.
So by smiling, you will also be naturally happier ( Tony Robbins says that “motion creates emotions”).

My Note:
That might be somewhat true, albeit there has been valid and scientific criticism to what’s been later dubbed the “facial feedback hypothesis“, see “self-help myths” and “pop-psychology“).

Principle 3: Remember Their Names

People love the sound of their name more than any other sound in the world.

Remember their names, which will make them feel valued.

His name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language

Principle 4: Be a Good Listener

The most important element of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.
And to become a good listener, the number one rule is to care.

To become a great listener: care about the speaker

Principle 5: Talk in Terms of His Interests

Most people like to discuss their interests and hobbies.

And that’s why Dale Carnegie recommends you talk about what interests them.

Principle 6: Make Him Feel Important

To make others feel important Carnegie recommends you ask yourself what is it about them that you admire.

Once you know what you admire about them, it will reflect in your demeanor and you can also tell them about your admiration.

Part 3
How To Win People To Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: To Get The Best of an Argument, Avoid It

Carnegie says you will always lose in an argument.

If you lose, you lose, and if you win, the other will feel resentful and you still lose.
The only way to win an argument is by avoiding it.

Principle 2: Show Respect For His Opinions

When you attack someone’s opinion, you will push them on the defensive.

And again, if you get into an ideological battle, you only always lose.

Principle 3: If You Are Wrong, Admit It

… And do so quickly and emphatically, says Carnegie.
It will boost his ego and confidence, because, if you’re wrong, he must be right.

My note:
Another great advantage of admitting fault is that it shows a strength of character. Most people shift blame, and those who take full ownership set themselves apart.

I particularly loved the answer from Elbert Hubbard that Carnegie used as an example.
When a reader sent an irate mail to attack the author’s opinion, Hubbard replied (I paraphrase):

Come to think it over, I don’t think I completely agree with it myself.

Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject.

The next time you are in the neighborhood, please visit us and we’ll talk about it.

Principle 4: Begin in a Friendly Way

Anger against anger is the fool’s way of discussing and solving issues, implies the author.

Begin in a friendly way instead and you will immensely lower his guard, lower the tension and dramatically increase the chances of a resolution.

Principle 5: Get Him Saying “Yes” Immediately

Never start with disagreement as that’s a slippery slope.

Start with what you agree on instead.

Carnegie says that when someone starts out saying “yes” a few times the natural tendency is to keep going with “yeses”.
And he will immediately place himself in a more positive and conducive mental disposition.

My note:
That’s what the sales technique “yes ladder” is based on. Check out my article on the nasty effects of a “no ladder” to understand the opposite effect.

Principle 6: Let Him do a great deal of the talking

Carnegie recommends you never brag and never monopolize the conversation.

Do the opposite: let the others do most of the talking.

Principle 7: Let Him Feel That The Idea is His

People embrace ideas quickly and work harder on them when they feel it’s their own brainchild.

That’s also a good way to stimulate what Daniel Pink in his wonderful book Drive calls Intrinsic Motivation.

Carnegie provides a very good example here.

Principle 8: Try to See Things From His Point of View

Our natural tendency is to judge people and immediately think we’re right and they’re wrong.

But the world is rarely, if ever, so cut and dry.
And one of the biggest secrets to doing well with people is always to see the situation from their point of view as well.

Dale Carnegie says if you only take one thing away from How To Win Friends & Influence People, it should be that of making a habit of looking at interactions from the other people’s perspective.
Not to simply understand their opinion, but why they are even having those opinions in the first place.

Principle 9: Be Sympathetic With His Ideas and Desires

Carnegie says that people ache for understanding and sympathy.

Instead of giving them the battle they expect, he suggests one sentence that will put to rest any argument (I paraphrase):

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you feel. If I were you, I would feel the exact same way.

So simple, yet so genius.

Principle 10: Appeal to The Nobler Motives

Dale Carnegie says that when you appeal to nobler motives, you will make people want to rise up to the noble trait that you bestow upon them.

Principle 11: Dramatize Your Ideas

Dramatizing your idea basically means having good marketing for your product.

Simply stating the truth is not enough, you have to make it appealing.

Principle 12: Throw Down a Challenge

When nothing else works, Dale Carnegie recommends you make it a challenge so that people want to win as if it were a game.

This is the same concept games use and which has become famous today as “gamification”: put a score on the game, and people will work hard to increase that number.

Part 4
Be a Leader: How To Change People

Principle 1: Begin With Praise and Honest Appreciation

Dale Carnegie says that if you must criticize someone, first find something good they have done and begin with that.

The author also highlights the danger of the word “but”, which negates anything you previously said.

Poor Communicator : you did great, BUT… “

Influencer : you did great and you can do even better if… “.

My note:
Carnegie also gets into the “sandwich feedback technique“. But it’s so popular today that you better stay away from it.
Everyone knows the praise is setting the stage for the critique and they won’t even believe it. Check out Daring Greatly for a great feedback example instead (Ctrl+f and write “feedback”).

Principle 2: Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly

Same as for criticizing, directly pointing out people’s mistakes is a sure fire way to put them on the defensive.

Telling someone “you’ve done a mistake” is like telling people “you’re wrong”.
And it hurts the most when done publicly.

My note:
Simon Sinek says in Leaders Eat Last that the task of a leader is to defend his team.
And well, sometimes you also need to defend their ego.

Principle 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing Him

Dale Carnegie says it’s easier to take criticism when the person criticizing us admits to his mistakes or his own imperfection.

When we can share the blame, blame hurts less.
And when we make ourselves imperfect, we are more likely to be accepted.

Principle 4: Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders

Dale Carnegie says that nobody likes to take orders: it makes us feel subordinate and less important. So give suggestions instead of orders.

Principle 5: Let the Other Person Save Face

People will resent if we hurt their ego or insult their skills, especially if publicly.
Always think of a way to save people’s face instead.

For example :
General Electric had a brilliant engineer who was doing very poorly as a department head.
Demoting was likely going to be very costly to his ego.
So the company instead gave him a big title and moved him somewhere else in a way that if felt he was being promoted.

Check this article for an example on saving face or this video:

Principle 6: Praise Every improvement

If you want people to keep improving, give them praise for every improvement.

He will feel good for doing well and will be motivated to keep going.

My note:
Carnegie is basically suggesting here to use positive reinforcement in what in psychology is known as operant conditioning.

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise

Principle 7: Give Him a Fine Reputation to Live Up To

When you give people a good reputation the tendency is to act in accordance with that reputation.

It’s partly because being find out not as good would hurt us, and partially because we want to keep that good trait real.

Identity drives behavior, so when people start liking and believing in a new identity, they will act accordingly.

Principle 8: Encourage. Make The Fault Seem Easy to Correct

If a task seems too big or if people feel like they are far too unskilled to accomplish it, they will lose heart and fail to act.

Encourage them instead, build up their ego.
And make the effort seem within their grasp. Then they will be motivated to act.

Principle 9: Make Him Happy About Doing What You Suggest

When you want someone to do something, make them feel happy and proud of the task at hand.

Tell them their rare skills and talent make them the best fit for the job.

Part 5
Making Your Home Life Happier

This section was included in the original book, but not in the revised version.

It could indeed be easily summarized as saying that all previous principles apply to your relationship as well. The most interesting for me were:

If you’re interested in relationship books, head over to my relationships book summaries.

Real Life Applications

Appreciate More
Most of us would do great in remembering this very simple advise: appreciate, compliment and encourage more.

Put Yourself In Their Shoes
Whether you need to engage someone for for a crucial conversation, to better understand their needs, or to lead with what’s in it for them, it’s a great habit to always put yourself in their shoes first. It doesn’t mean you concede they are right, but it means you consider their perspective.

CONS

I’d like to start “criticism of how to win friends and influence people” with a quote from our power-aware community:

What a crappy world we live in if everything I learned in How to win friends and influence people is actually counterproductive! 🙂

Yep, that’s exactly our main criticism: it’s a book on basic social skills.
Best for those who can come across as awkward, who struggle to make any friends, or to persuade a badly dehydrating man to have a pop.

There is no advanced stuff here.
There is no way to deal with Machiavellians, value-takers, and assholes.

Carnegie first tells the examples, and then gives readers the principle.

While we do learn via examples and the “aha moment” is great to burn concepts in our minds, I think it’s most useful to give the main concept first.

As I explain in my reading effectively guide, when we know what’s coming we prepare our minds for learning.

Carnegie’s principles work.

Keep in mind though that the highest achievers appreciate the truth too.

Even if it might hurt them at the beginning, they want people who can tell it as it is.
As Ray Dalio says, for top achievement you must love the truth even if it hurts.
And it doesn’t even have to hurt by the way. I encourage you to take care of what you build your self-esteem around.
Read my article on how to build an antifragile ego.

Lastly, I’d like to add that some individual might interpret your ego-protecting and pain-avoiding attitude as weakness.

Make sure you use these techniques because you care about people or because you want to achieve certain results.
But NOT because you’re afraid of being blunt and honest.

How to Win Friends – Review

How to Win Friends and Influence People presents great and timeless social advice.

It’s based on sound psychology and even if you’re an advanced student of the social arts, it’s still a great refresher.

Also great is that Carnegie uses many real-life examples to back his principles.

Get the book
Check the best books on influence and persuasion or learn how to make friends and get this timeless book on Amazon.

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