Stand up for yourself

11 Effective Ways to Stand Up for Yourself Without Crying

This article was co-authored by Guy Reichard and by wikiHow staff writer, Emily Liu. Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.

There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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If you want to stand up for yourself but always feel the tears coming, you’re not alone. It can be really difficult and frustrating when crying becomes a major obstacle to expressing yourself⁠—especially when you know that what you have to say is valid and important. If you want to get better at standing up for yourself without letting the tears flow, practice speaking firmly and authoritatively everywhere else in your life. You’ll get better over time! On top of that, you can try distracting yourself in the moment, or cry ahead of time to let the feelings out before you speak. Regardless, we hope that you’ll be able to take something away from our tips here so that you can stand up for yourself, and gain the respect that you deserve.

10 Powerful Ways to Stand Up for Yourself in Any Situation

Every day we make dozens of little choices that either benefit us by asserting our ideas or diminish us because we hesitate in making our views or desires known.

Sometimes it seems easier to go with the flow to avoid potential conflict. But the truth is that letting people walk all over you can increase feelings of stress and anxiety, and it might eventually lessen your feelings of self-worth and play to your insecurities.

Learning to stand up for yourself will help you take charge of your life, believe in your own power and embolden you to reach for your dreams. The stronger you feel, the stronger you will become.

Learn to stand up for yourself in any situation with these 10 simple yet powerful steps.

1. Practice being transparent and authentic.

It might be difficult at times, but if you learn to express yourself openly and honestly, it will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. So often, we hide behind a halfhearted smile and nod instead of saying what we think. It takes practice, but learning to be authentic and open about what you are feeling or thinking is the first step. Once you get in the habit of making yourself heard without being overly accommodating or defensive, people will be more open to hearing you.

2. Take small but powerful steps.

If you are struggling with being assertive, start taking small steps to stand up for yourself. Even just learning to walk more confidently—head held high, shoulders back—will help you appear and feel more confident. Channel that confidence when dealing with others. This attitude can apply to all areas of your life. Feeling annoyed at the person who cut in front of you at Starbucks? Politely ask them to move to the back. See an unfair charge on a bill from one of your service providers? Call and dispute it.

3. When someone attacks, wait them out.

As you grow more confident in expressing yourself, you’re also going to have to learn to face those who want to override you. There will always be people whose personalities are set to attack mode. It’s important that you remain calm but assertive if you feel like someone is trying to bully you. Don’t allow yourself to get frazzled or react with low blows. Don’t cater to them or allow them to browbeat you either. Walk the high road but stand your ground.

4. Figure out what’s really bothering you.

Going with the flow for the purposes of not making waves actually creates more stress and anxiety for yourself. Of course, mustering the courage to face something or someone that is bothering you can feel scary. But facing the issue will empower you to make it better and diminishes the control it has over you. Remember, people can’t read your mind; if you don’t vocalize what is bothering you, no one will know.

5. Clarify first, without attacking.

It’s tempting to take a self-righteous stand, especially if you are sure you are in the right. From your viewpoint, you are justifiably defending yourself against someone who seems to be entirely in the wrong. But it’s important to resist the urge to react with emotion. Instead, take a breath and calmly explain your perspective to them. Avoid combative tones or accusatory words. Clarify exactly what you mean and listen to their response. Only then can a real discussion begin to take place.

6. Practice makes perfect.

Once you start getting the hang of what it means to stand up for yourself, it’s time to practice asking for what you want as often as possible. When someone says something you openly disagree with, or you feel pushed into doing something you don’t want to do, say something. Research shows that it takes 66 days to form a new habit, so stick with the new assertiveness for two months and you might be surprised by the results.

7. Be deliberate.

Here’s a situation that many of us have found ourselves in: sharing space with a messy co-worker or a roommate who is a slob. You might have remained silent while growing more aggravated at the situation. It might be tempting to slip into passive-aggressive behavior, such as angrily cleaning up the mess or making snide comments. Try being deliberate instead. Tell the person how you are feeling without being accusatory. Be straightforward with your concerns. Follow up with a simple suggestion that can correct the situation, such as: “If you can take a minute to tidy up your space at night, it would be a big help.”

8. Stand up for your time.

Time is a precious and limited commodity, and yet we often feel pressured to give it away when we have the ability to say no. There are times when you might not have a choice, such as when your boss says a project has high priority. But don’t let obligations dictate how you spend the hours of your day. You are in control of your own time. Push back when it’s appropriate, or tactfully disengage from those people or situations that submerge your schedule.

9. Recognize that no one can invalidate you.

You are in complete ownership of your feelings and actions. Your beliefs, emotions, thoughts and ideas belong to you, and no one else can tell you what you feel or invalidate your opinions. Likewise, if you seek to invalidate other people’s points of view, you are also sabotaging any chance for problem-solving or having an open discussion.

10. Fake it till you make it.

Learning to stand up for yourself won’t happen overnight. It takes time to grow comfortable with being assertive. While you are in the learning stage, it might help to imagine that you are an actor learning to play a new role.

Imagine that you are the most assertive person you know. How would they handle themselves in a difficult situation? There might be times when you swing from being overly zealous to being too indecisive. Learning to stand up for yourself is like riding a bike: Eventually, you will find the right balance.

This article was published in April 2017 and has been updated for accuracy and freshness.
Photo by Kinga/Shutterstock

11 Little Ways To Stand Up For Yourself Daily, According To Experts

On any given day, you may find yourself in a situation or two where it’s necessary to know how to stand up for yourself. From someone cutting in front of you in line at the coffeeshop, to a coworker snagging your idea in a meeting, there really are endless opportunities to speak up. And yet, it can be so easy to let these moments slide.

Of course, it’s always OK to brush off small slights and move on. But it may be necessary to be more assertive, too, in order to get what you want, speak your mind, effectively share ideas, and so on. The trouble is, learning how to stand up for yourself can be tricky. Not only can it be uncomfortable from a social standpoint, but certain scenarios can also dredge up old insecurities.

For example, some «people with a history of trauma [may be] more likely to be victims of future mistreatment,» clinical psychologist Dr. Kim Chronister, PsyD, tells Bustle, meaning it may be tough to stand up for yourself if you’ve been through toxic situations in the past. There is good news, though, in that you can decide to make a change.

Whatever your particular reasons may be, it’s always possible to practice standing up for yourself and get better at it with time, so that you can be more assertive when necessary. Read on for some littles ways to start, according to experts.

1. Get Comfortable With The Idea

If the mere thought of being assertive makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re definitely not alone. It can be tough to speak up, especially if you’re used to staying quiet or going with the flow. But remember that doing so is actually a positive thing, and thus isn’t anything to feel bad about.

In fact, true assertiveness is all about asking for what you want in a manner that respects others, according to Psychology Today. So the next time you hesitate, it can help to change your perspective and realize that boosting yourself up doesn’t mean putting others down. Hopefully, that will help you approach this new habit from a more positive standpoint.

2. Be Deliberate With Your Words

«Speaking up and using one’s voice is the best way for others to not only understand you but to learn how to respond to you,» Sharon J. Lawrence, licensed clinical social worker and owner of Selah Wellness & Therapeutic Services, LLC, tells Bustle. This might look like saying exactly what you want, instead of skirting around the issue or hoping others will read your mind.

3. Choose The Right Time To Chat

If you have something on your mind, it’s best to bring it up when the other person will be most willing (and able) to listen. So if something extra important needs to be said, it can help to find the right moment instead of blurting it out on the spot.

«Setting a time to chat and packaging your message in a way where it can be received can be extremely helpful to you and to the overall relationship or friendship,» Lawrence says. «Bringing up a matter at the wrong time, and in the wrong place, will go left real fast.»

4. Be A Bit Selfish

Filling your days with the schedules, hopes, and dreams of others may seem like a nice thing to do. But this habit can leave you feeling worn out and resentful, while also making it difficult to meet your own needs.

And that’s why being just a little bit selfish is actually a good thing. «It means you are learning to prioritize yourself when necessary,» Lawrence says. «You should always be the priority, but it is understandable that there may be multiple priorities competing with one another. However, your needs are important, you should come first, and you should not suffer at the expense of someone else’s negative actions.»

This might include setting aside time to do things that are important to you each day, and making that a priority.

5. Say «No»

If you’re used to saying yes to everything, and trying to make others happy 24/7, then this habit might be a tough one to break. But it is an area where you can find more balance, if you decide to do so.

«‘No’ is always OK when it comes to prioritizing you,» Lawrence says. «Learning to say no is one of the most freeing things to ever take place emotionally.» Once you start to feel comfortable with the word, it’ll hopefully have a ripple effect on the rest of your life, and make it easier to stand up for yourself.

6. Be Aware Of Your Body Language

If you have trouble standing up for yourself, it can help to pay more attention to your body language not only for a little confidence boost, but to also ensure you’re sending a clearer message to others.

This might mean standing up straighter, instead of slouching, in order to appear more assertive — or it can mean having open body language, such as standing with your hands relaxed at your sides, so you seem more receptive to conversation.

In order to truly project an assertive image, though, it can help to work on how you feel about yourself. «Start with feeling good from the inside out,» Heidi McBain, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. «Get enough sleep, eat [nutritious food], work on your mental health, connect with those around you, etc. If you’re feeling good on the inside, this should show up on the outside as well.»

7. Pick Your Battles

Again, there will be moments in life where it just isn’t worth it to stand up for yourself, McBain says. And part of being more assertive is knowing the difference.

«If it’s a one-time thing that may be a result of someone having a bad day, then maybe it’s something you may want to try and let go in that moment,» McBain says. «If it’s something/someone who has been an on going problem in your life, then you may want to address it head on. This might be in person, on the phone, in a email, etc.»

8. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are where it’s at if you want to not only stand up for yourself, but to give others a better idea of how they should treat you. After all, «boundaries are simply those actions that you will not take or tolerate from others,» Joshua Klapow, PhD, clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, tells Bustle. «What is OK and not OK to you, and what you are willing and not willing to do, say, or hear or accommodate from others, and so on. Once these boundaries are set (and they can change over time) you are now in a position to stand up for yourself.»

9. Stick To It

Even though it may feel like a knee-jerk reaction, try to resist the urge to apologize after stating a request, Dr. Klapow says. Take, for example, asking a partner or roommate for more help around the house. As Dr. Klapow says, this should be a straightforward, «I need some help around the house. I can’t do all of this myself. Can you please help with these chores?»

Notice how this request doesn’t include apologies, but simply states what you need while also offering a solution. «Standing up for yourself doesn’t guarantee that your partner, or anyone else, will agree or accommodate,» Dr. Klapow says, «but it does mean that you are clear, specific, and hold true to your boundaries and beliefs.»

10. Remember, You Deserve Respect

Since there’s a very close connection between push-over tendencies and low self-esteem, it can help to remind yourself that no one has the right to ignore you, be rude, or deny your feelings. Say that, and then keep the mantra playing in your head wherever you go. «Assure yourself that — without your consent — no one has the authority to invalidate you,» said Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., in Psychology Today.

11. Practice, Practice, Practice

If you think you could use more assertiveness in your life, decide to practice it in small ways on a daily basis, perhaps by trying some of the things listed above. And if it takes a while to sink in, that’s completely OK. In fact, «research now shows that it takes 66 days to form a new habit,» Dr. Chronister says. «Practice asserting your needs daily for 66 days and watch it become automatic for you.»

And remember, being assertive doesn’t mean controlling others or bossing them around. There’s definitely a happy medium between going overboard and being assertive. With a little practice, you can figure out that perfect balance, and successfully stand up for yourself in a variety of situations.

This post was originally published on 2/23/2016. It was updated on 6/12/2019.

How To Stand Up For Yourself: 9 No Bullsh*t Tips!

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Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you learn how to stand up for yourself. Simply click here to connect with one via BetterHelp.com.

Standing up for yourself sounds like a fairly straightforward act wherein you know who you are, set limits on who and what you’ll tolerate, pick your battles, and start no wars.

But when current consensus blares that you must “stand your ground” or “make yourself great again,” what does standing up for yourself look like?

1. Know Who You Are

Who are you standing up for? If you had to describe yourself and your inner character to a stranger, would they get a sense of who you are?

Right off the bat, it’s crucial to know that an opinion is not necessarily your identity. We get swayed to think one way or another and, because of the myth of the rugged individual, we easily manage to convince ourselves that the thoughts are ours.

Protect what’s yours, right?

Except, quite often, our own opinions don’t sit well with our selves.

Isn’t it foolish standing up for a façade?

Instead, practice mindfulness. There are readily available books, videos, and websites to get you started.

Mindfulness helps free ourselves from the ever-active Id, and in doing so allows us to see – and appreciate – who we really are.

When you appreciate yourself, you stand up for yourself, not a pasted-on version of you.

2. Set Limits

No matter how helpful you are, there will always be somebody who thinks they can bully you into doing more, giving more, and being more.

Standing up for yourself means setting limits so that you’re not a bag of depletion, which can lead to being a bag of anger.

If you’re a work-from-home type who’s often interrupted by people asking if you wouldn’t mind running errands for them (since you’re not at “work”), letting them know your office hours are such-and-such will work wonders for your backbone’s health.

Let lovers know what you like and dislike. Let friends know what is and is not acceptable.

Most of the people in your inner circles will accept that your time is not infinite, nor are your resources inexhaustible.

Saying no to others isn’t a sign of selfishness or meanness, whereas anyone who expects a yes out of you at all times is definitely indicative of something unpleasant.

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

As in all things, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Standing up for yourself is no different.

It’s even helpful to start at the source: you.

Standing up for yourself often means doing a tango with the face in the mirror. Standing up can be as simple as overriding that negative voice that says “Why bother?” when you’re excited and motivated to make positive changes.

Eat that fruit instead of that handful of gummy bears!

Eschew the incessant demands of social media for the quiet bliss of alone-time and a book!

Standing up to yourself helps you stand up for yourself.

4. Know Your Rights

Since countries unfathomably define rights as though fashion statements (what’s in, what’s hot, what’s couture!), we’ll clarify this by saying “Your Human Rights.”

You have the right to be respected. Recognize that.

You have the right to be cared for and loved. Recognize that.

You have the right to understanding and empathy.

You have the right to fail.

You have the right to succeed.

You have your right to silence.

You were born with the right to bliss.

We could go on and on. No one has the right to treat you badly. No one has the right to harm you. No one should seek to contain, own, or otherwise neglect you.

We’re human, none of us more human than another. Beware those who live their lives as if being a fist is a badge of honor.

5. Learn The Value Of Silence

Know the old saying “Speak softly and carry a big stick”? Take that a step further: speak softly – and sometimes not at all – and people may come to respect and admire your restraint.

There’s something to be said about the warrior who throws no blows, or the sensei whose sword never leaves its scabbard, or that quiet kid in school who never got picked on because people appreciated her quietly off doing her thing.

They were able to stand up for themselves without extra effort because people knew not to provoke them out of silence.

That, too, can be you.

6. Body Language

Standing up for yourself can actually be as simple as literally standing up… straight!

Body language plays a huge role in how people choose to interact with us. Slouching, hand-wringing, barely making eye contact with others – all contribute to situations wherein you may be treated in such a way as to have to stand up for yourself.

The good thing about body language is that these are habitual responses, not ingrained. You can train yourself out of them to present a much more confident, resolute you.

7. Pick Your Battles

As stated at the opening, life can seem like an open call to war re-enactors. Everyone is fighting either an old war or someone else’s war.

Not every interaction is one where your fortitude is being called into question. Those who feel they must incessantly defend either themselves or a position they’ve latched on to might think they’re being assertive, when in reality they’re jerks.

Don’t be a jerk. Don’t feel the need to jump to your feet, ‘splain, pontificate, refute, and/or chest beat at every opportunity. You’ll come off as insecure when you imagine you’re direct; insufferable when you feel you’ve scored a personal point.

Defensiveness is not appealing, no matter how much it may want to dress itself up as “standing up for” itself.

Offensiveness is doubly ugly.

8. Be Honest

Honest people generally have an easier time standing up for themselves because they don’t waste precious energies protecting elaborate facades.

This counts in relationships, this counts at work, even in random encounters with strangers at the grocery checkout.

If you’re honest in your beliefs and approach to the world, standing up for yourself is simply a matter of stating XY and leaving others to do with it what they will.

You won’t feel a need to sway to make yourself feel larger; to out-talk someone in order to denigrate them; not even to assert yourself so that others can’t take advantage of you.

As with the silent person, you’ll find that under honesty’s umbrella you don’t come up against a lot of instances where people decide to use their whims as a means to knock you down.

9. Chew, Don’t Swallow

How many times have you bit your tongue rather than voice your mind? This is unhealthy in so many ways, but for the purposes of self-gumption, it’s incredibly self-defeating.

If you’re the type to swallow your words rather than chew and digest the meat of an interaction, take a deep breath, realize that nothing reasonable coming out of your mouth is liable to be met with horror, and speak.

Things left unsaid are the number one self-saboteur of otherwise healthy, normal interactions, including disagreements.

Speak up and stand up for yourself by finding ways to say what’s on your mind that best suit you and your needs.

This is done by listening instead of reacting; digesting instead of trying to hold so much in that it eventually – and, often, as unpleasantly – comes vomiting out as verbal and emotional bile.

“But hang on a minute,” I hear you cry, “you said earlier to embrace silence. Which is it?”

Good question. Well, in the earlier instance, it was all about displaying strength without having to go on the verbal offensive.

Here, it means being willing and able to speak candidly in order to make your wishes or opinions known to others. It’s about the ability to communicate effectively with others so as to avoid confusion or misunderstanding.

Standing up for yourself need not be a Herculean undertaking. Actually, it shouldn’t be, because if it is, there’s something out of whack with your life’s track.

There will always be times and people that test us; people who whiff out vulnerabilities and pounce to attack.

But realizing first and foremost that you owe no one more of you than you’re willing to give is a way to give yourself a huge standing ovation, and to dramatically decrease the number of times you’re likely to be pounced on.

Still not sure how to stand up for yourself? Speak to a therapist today who can walk you through the process. Simply click here to connect with one of the experienced therapists on BetterHelp.com.

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How to Stand Up for Yourself

Illustrations by Alice Mollon

No one sets out to be a doormat. Yet some people are chronically passive, always putting other’s needs before their own. These are the folks who end up babysitting for an acquaintance instead of going to their yoga class. In the long run, being unable to express what you want is a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction, because your needs always end up on the back burner. The good news is people can learn to ask for the things they want at home, at work and even at a local restaurant when you get a burnt steak and want a new one. Read on to discover how.

Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

You can stand up for yourself without resorting to bullying.

All of us have said yes to a commitment or task we didn’t really want to do. How many of us have rented a tux or bought a bridesmaid’s dress we couldn’t afford, and flown to be part of a wedding we didn’t really want to attend?

In the moment, unassertive behavior has certain perks. After all, dropping your plans to help a relative or disorganized boss means not only avoiding conflict but also avoiding letting anyone down. You get to be the hero!

But over time, being unable to express what you want is a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction, because your needs always end up on the back burner.

Assertiveness Is the Answer

Excessively-agreeable types aren’t the only ones who can benefit from learning to be assertive. Overly hostile people benefit, too.

Aggressiveness is sometimes mistaken for assertiveness but they are different. It’s one thing to stand up for yourself, and quite another to bully others to get your way.

Here’s the difference between aggression and assertiveness. When there’s a difference of opinion, a hostile, aggressive boss may lose her temper in a meeting or resort to calling underlings names to end the discussion. But assertive people can stand up for themselves without tearing down anyone else. They might say, “I can see why your proposal has benefits, but here’s how I think we should proceed.”

Randy J. Paterson, a psychologist who wrote “The Assertiveness Workbook,” explained that “If you take an aggressive posture, you’re allowed on stage and your mission is to get everyone else off.” By contrast, assertive people are collegial thespians who don’t mind sharing the stage. They can be cordial even as they express an unpopular opinion.

In short, assertiveness is not a license to be rude, says Robert Alberti, a renowned psychologist who co-authored the seminal 1970s book about assertiveness: “Your Perfect Right.” The aim of the book, co-authored with Michael Emmons, a psychologist, was to teach people to express themselves while being respectful to others. They wrote: “Equality is fundamental to assertive living.”

More on the Importance of Saying ‘No’

Saying No, So You Can Say Yes When It Matters

January 18, 2016

Why You Should Learn to Say ‘No’ More Often

To Raise Better Kids, Say No

If You’re Not All-In About a New Opportunity, Just Say No

February 26, 2018

How to Be Assertive

There are a number of ways assertiveness plays out. (And it can take practice.)

Assertiveness is a skill. It entails multiple abilities, not only being able to say no. Assertive people can also express negative feedback; they can make their needs known; and importantly, they can stand up for themselves in a way that doesn’t denigrate others.

Not sure how to be assertive? It takes some training, but you can learn how to express your thoughts comfortably without feeling unduly anxious. Here’s some things to try:

Gut Check: Are You a Doormat?

Still not sure if you are saying yes too often to other’s requests? Ask yourself the following questions the next time you do something for someone else:

Applying Your Assertiveness at Work

Navigating office politics while speaking up for what you need can be especially tricky.