Would you consider yourself selfish

9 Reasons Why You Should Be Selfish

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There is a difference between being centered on yourself, and being «selfish» in the traditional sense of the word. While many of us constantly ruminate about ourselves and our position in the world, we aren’t typically ruthlessly going around and taking things for ourselves so that others can’t enjoy them. The word «selfish» almost always has a negative connotation (like caring only about yourself while disregarding others) but it’s time to rebrand the word in order to highlight how healthy and productive selfishness can be.

The other side, the «good» side of selfishness, is that you take care of yourself enough to be in top form for doing whatever you want to spend energy on — taking care of your kids, excelling at your job, and maintaining great relationships. In fact, even staying alive requires a certain amount of «selfishness.» You have to eat. You have to sleep. You have to get yourself some kind of shelter. These are examples of a necessary and healthy selfishness. So why should you ditch the guilt and feel good about putting yourself first? Here are nine reasons why from psychologists, doctors, and self-help experts who agree that sometimes you should be selfish.

Being selfish in some areas can allow you to be more generous in others

You may remember how in a 20/20 interview in 2011, Michelle Obama told Barbara Walters, «One of the things that I want to model for my girls is investing in themselves as much as they invest in others.» She explained this concept in the now common, though incredibly apt metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask on the plane before assisting others. How will you aid and improve the lives of those around you, if you don’t make sure you have enough of what you need to operate at your best?

This concept can also be easily compared to giving your car fuel and oil so that you don’t break down from attempting to run on empty, and it’s called self-care. The World Health Organization gives a broad definition of the concept of self-care as «the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, and maintain health and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health-care provider.»

In our contemporary pop culture, the concept has blossomed to include making sure to give yourself more of the things you need to be happy and cutting down on those self-sacrificing outlays of your valuable energy. The idea is that the happier, healthier, and more self-fulfilled you are, the more you’ll have to give to the causes and people who matter most to you.

You’ll have more time for the things you love

You have probably heard of the phenomenon that some people, usually women, are constant caretakers, doers, and helpers—sometimes at the expense of their own health and happiness. These people are known for their inability to say no — to doing a favor, to staying late at work, to picking up the slack on someone else’s project — the list goes on. Dr. Melanie Ross Mills, a therapist and radio relationship expert, told me she recommends «guarding your time, talent, and treasure so that you can give out your time, talent, and treasure [elsewhere].»

The idea is that when you protect your time by saying no to things that aren’t enriching or interesting to you, you can learn to identify and develop your real areas of unique talent. And those areas are where you have the most to contribute to others and the world around you anyway. «The more you embrace your worth and identity through self-discovery, the easier it will be to say ‘no’ when needed and ‘yes’ when prompted,» she said.

«As you invest in yourself, you’ll have more to offer the world around you. The time you spend learning about yourself, developing your talents, and sharing your treasure will be used to love others in greater ways. You’ll offer more insight and wisdom on a topic. You’ll help a friend that will benefit from your skill sets.»

You can stop blaming others for your problems

When you are constantly over-giving of yourself, your time, and your energy to others there is no way around it — at some point you will start to feel some resentment. Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, self-help author, and expert in hidden depression told me that «Sacrificing for others can build trust and a realization of the joy in seeing others’ needs or wants met, [but] carried too far, self-sacrifice can morph into martyrdom — a sense of constantly doing for others at a huge expense to self. For true success, you need self-awareness,» she said.

«This means that you’re aware of your own needs or what’s important for you to succeed. You don’t believe or live as if working on your own goals is selfish. However, you’re also aware of those around you, and will feel more fulfilled as a person if you’re not always focusing on self. You also give, but without resentment or overkill.»

You will be physically and emotionally healthier

Imagine you have a ton of work to do (probably not much of a stretch to visualize), but you decide to take the time out to go to yoga class anyway. Result: you will finish your work a bit later than you would have, and your family will have to hold dinner for you, but you feel refreshed and invigorated from exercising and clearing your head with meditation.

Dr. Rachel Goldman refers to this concept as «healthy selfishness.» Dr. Rachel is a licensed psychologist specializing in health and wellness and also a Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. We had a very interesting conversation about her work in the area of selfishness. «If you think about everything we do for survival, such as sleeping and eating, those are examples of behaviors associated with a ‘healthy selfishness,'» she said.

«We need to participate in these behaviors in order to survive. We also need to participate in other behaviors to be healthy, such as taking time out of our day for us, for ‘me time,’ and to relax or destress. For some that may be going on a run or going to the gym, for others that may mean a quiet and relaxing bath. Whatever it is, it is needed to allow you to destress, refocus and be able to be productive and accomplish what you need to accomplish. Without some of these behaviors and acts of ‘healthy selfishness’ we will eventually burn out and not be productive, in any aspect of our life, if that be personal or professional.»

You will feel more balanced

How do you live a balanced life? For some, it’s all about planning out your time and energy with intentionality. Dr. Nancy Irwin, a Los Angeles-based doctor of clinical psychology and self-help author, said she actually likes to stay entirely away from terms like «selfish» or «selfless» with her clients, because words like these are so often imbued with personal judgements. Instead, Irwin takes a more «mathematical» approach to helping clients figure out how much time and energy they want to give to different areas of their lives.

Many of her clients find that a «healthy lifestyle is a balance of enough self-care/self-expression/purpose and others-care (equal relationship, volunteering, giving, etc.).» But how do you achieve the right balance for you? Dr. Irwin said she actually has her clients «work out their time mathematically so they know exactly what their priorities are and how they are investing their time. For some, it is 80 percent me (work, exercise), and 20 percent others (family, mate). Others want to work toward 50 percent-50 percent.»

Thinking about yourself prevents living on autopilot

In the field of psychology, the concept of autopilot refers to when you go about your business without the cognitive awareness of self or choice. This can mean something as simple as zoning out while driving home from work, and can extend to encompass years of living life without a particular direction beyond getting through each day, or making enough money to pay your basic bills.

You have no doubt heard of someone you know going through a «mid-life crisis» where they seemingly «wake up» from a fog one day, and feel that they have missed out on living a purposeful life. That’s where the brand new red sports car, or the move to Costa Rica comes in. All of a sudden, the newly mindful person feels the need to make up for years spent ignoring their needs for fun, pleasure, and fulfillment in favor of cash, empty accolades, or sacrificing for others in their lives.

Here’s the good news: when you make a specific effort to put yourself first on your list of priorities, you necessarily live a more mindful life. The practice of making sure your own needs are met requires actually identifying and taking stock of your own needs (both physical and emotional). So when you focus on you and giving yourself what you need, you are less likely to «wake up» one day and feel like you’ve wasted or sacrificed your time.

You learn to be your own advocate

«Self-care and self-advocacy comes from a place of self-awareness and worthiness,» said wellness expert and author, Julie Burton, who was kind enough to speak with me about the benefits of being selfish and the dangers of ignoring your own needs. In her recent book, The Self-Care Solution, Burton gives readers reflective, self-assessment questions as an objective tool for gauging how well they’re managing their own needs while simultaneously caring for others. Being a caretaker can be a difficult position to be in while still acting as your own advocate as well (whose needs come first?) but learning to «fill your own cup» first can help you balance this challenge.

You will inspire others

Do you want to be a positive example for other women in your life? Especially if you spend any time around young girls, modeling the behavior of valuing yourself instead of unintentionally playing the martyr can make a big difference. Being selfish, said Burton, is «about being grounded enough to understand your needs, and confident enough to make sure you work toward meeting them so that you can reach your full potential.

This is a recipe for success for you and for those around you. Your example will inspire your partner, children, co-workers to tune into their own needs establish their own boundaries to make sure they are able to take good care of themselves, and reach their potential as well.»

You’ll gain self-confidence

The concept of self-confidence can be elusive, but when you value yourself enough to put living a fulfilling, balanced life at the top of your priorities, you will set yourself up to spend more time feeling good and confident, and less time feeling burnt out and incapable of achievement.

Valuing yourself

Selfishness, it seems, may have gotten an unfairly negative reputation in the past, and I think it’s time we reexamine our understanding of what it means to put oneself first. It takes a lot of bravery and self-possession to stand up and say «I’m worth it!» to others, and even just to yourself.

Remember that caring for yourself is all about committing to taking care of your own needs the way you would for your very best friend. It’s about setting yourself up for balance and success, and it’s about valuing your health, opinions, and time. You deserve it! And when you are «selfish» enough to set yourself up to feel your best, you will be able to give your best to the world around you.

Do you consider yourself selfish?

elixare

Registered

not to be confused with being self-interested. everyone’s ultimately self-interested, but not everyone’s necessarily selfish.

So do you consider yourself exhibiting any of the following characteristics:

1. You have a strong sense of accentuated pride, ego, and self importance
2. You put your own needs above others so much that you don’t even realize that you’re steamrolling someone
3. You’re willing to deliberately sacrifice/hurt others if necessary to further your own goals
4. Other’s suffering/happiness are of little concern to you

I admit that I have some selfish tendencies, but greed is good baby! Invisible hand of the market!

I admit that I have some selfish tendencies, but they really haven’t caused that much problems in my life

I admit that I have some selfish tendencies, but I try to control them as much as possible and keep them in check

No I have absolutely no selfish tendencies. I am as innocent as a newborn dove when it comes to this

I actually tend to be selfless. I always treat others with compassion, empathy, generosity, and service.

I actually tend to be selfless. I am mother theresa herself!

I’m willing to sacrifice myself in order to save humankind!

Monkey King

Registered

Vanitas

Registered

Now I’m slowly accepting that it’s okay to be selfish if you really know what you’re doing/getting into. Some things are worth being selfish about.

InterAlios

Registered

NiDBiLD

Registered

1. You have a strong sense of accentuated pride, ego, and self importance

2. You put your own needs above others so much that you don’t even realize that you’re steamrolling someone

How could I even theoretically answer yes to this question? If I put my needs so much above others that I don’t realize I am steamrolling people, then I wouldn’t realize I did this, would I?

I don’t think I am doing this however. But I obviously wouldn’t know, since that’s part of the question.

3. You’re willing to deliberately sacrifice/hurt others if necessary to further your own goals

Depends on how important the goals are for me, how much other people are hurt in the progress, and who these other people are. It’s a matter of priority. I am generally ready to crack some eggs in order to make an omelette, yes.

4. Other’s suffering/happiness are of little concern to you

Most people, yes. I can’t bring myself to feel any weltschmerz for six billion people I’ve never even met. People I know and care about, though, are very important to me. That does not however mean I am ready to treat people like shit in order to get stuff for myself, because I don’t act like that. That’s never practically necessary, and there are always better ways of doing stuff.

It’s just that I am emotionally neutral to what doesn’t concern me. Of course I want to make the world a better place for everyone, and I think everyone should be treated kindly and fairly, but I am not emotionally moved at all by, for example, catastrophes in foreign countries where I don’t know anyone, and I don’t feel a lot of sympathy except for people close to me.

My selfishness is in direct proportion to the requirements of the situation. Usually there’s very little trouble, and I’ve been in very few situations where I had to act deliberately selfish. I just do whatever is necessary to get where I want to go. Usually being kind and altruistic is a better method for doing that, so then that’s what I do.

I guess my basic outlook is quite selfish, but my everyday methods are not. Does that make sense?

How to deal with selfishness

10 April, 2017

Five suggestions for managing selfish co-workers

So, have you encountered colleagues or team members who are driven by their self-interest? Or who like to protect their own turf? Those who are fixated on gaining more power? Or those who undercut the efforts of others? Or like to take all the credit?

For generations, conversations on what drives success revolved around individual elements such as hard work, talent, luck and passion. A few years back, acclaimed Wharton Professor, Adam Grant, wrote a wonderful book called Give and Take. In his book, he examined that in today’s world, success increasingly depends on how we treat each other and that giving is the secret of getting ahead. And in his Ted Talk, Are you a giver or a taker?, Grant says that while we all have moments of giving and taking, our style is defined by how we treat people most of the time:

Takers are self-serving in their interactions. It’s all about what can you do for me. The opposite is a giver. It’s somebody who approaches most interactions by asking, “What can I do for you?”

It’s no surprise that takers have a very sapping effect on the people and organisations that they interact with. Their drive to focus on themselves and their interests causes a lot of anxiety and frustration for everyone they leave in their wake. It’s even more damaging when leaders demonstrate and foster this behaviour.

Drawing from this, my message this week is on how to deal with selfishness.

Interestingly, we aren’t naturally wired to be selfish. There is enough research now to challenge older theories that we are born selfish. Erin Coulehan, in the article, The science of selfishness: Humans aren’t actually hard-wired to be jerks, talks about how the more time we spend thinking things through, the more selfishly we tend to behave. Our impulsive human reactions are actually much more selfless. This probably comes from the fact that living together in groups has been an intrinsic part of our evolutionary history.

Take the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma example from game theory. Two participants are put in a scenario where they are prisoners who need to decide on whether to betray each other or work together. They are given different options and encouraged to turn on each other. While it could appear that individual gain is the easy way out, they only maximise benefits if they both don’t turn one each other. When played, most people, surprisingly enough – and this is even true for real life choices given to prisoners – choose to stick by each other.

Would you consider yourself selfish?

Do you tend to focus much more on yourself? Look for what’s in it for you? Do you like control and dominance for the sake of it? Or are you more generous with your choices? Only you can really answer this. (Most of you have probably already said no :)). Be honest. Ask people you trust for their perspectives.

William Aruda, in his Forbes article, How Being Selfish Will Limit Your Career Success, shares examples of the kinds of choices that giving people make. It’s worth thinking through how you would react in these situations.

How do you deal with selfish people?

There will be many times when you will find yourself grappling with takers. Just given the number of people you interact with, they could be anyone from your team member to your manager. It’s not easy. Sometimes these interactions can deeply hurt, frustrate and even make you want to change the way you are. True, you can’t fundamentally change how someone behaves. But you can try and manage this better for yourself. Here are five suggestions on how to go about it:

1. Identify the signs

Pick up on it. There is a very clear line between looking out for yourself and being plain selfish. You have to be able to tell the difference and call it out when there is a problem, whether with your colleagues and team members, or even for yourself.

Jay Parikh, the global head of engineering and infrastructure at Facebook, in his Harvard Business Review article, How Facebook Tries to Prevent Office Politics, points out why it is important to “look for empire builders, self-servers, and whiners in the hiring process — and don’t hire them”. Facebook’s selection process is designed to weed out such people. In fact, they actively look for examples of how people have demonstrated exactly the opposite kind of behaviour. For example, they would ask you: “Can you tell me about four people whose careers you have fundamentally improved?” It’s really important to get this right because selfishness can very easily encourage more selfishness. Even if someone is really great at what they do, but selfish, your organisation won’t stand to benefit in the long run. Ultimately, they are just going to do what works best for them.

2. Build on the positives

Sure, some people are selfish all the time. But that’s not necessarily the case with others. Before you write someone off basis a couple of interactions, give them the benefit of doubt. Could it be that they aren’t intentionally like this? Perhaps they learned that this was the way to be? Maybe it was the way someone behaved with them early on? Maybe they just think that nice guys finish last?

You will find that if you put your bias aside, most people have enough moments when they aren’t being selfish. The trick is to find these, learn what motivates them to not be selfish and then use it to encourage more such behaviour.

3. Use motivation

While it may sound counter-intuitive, you can try using what motivates a selfish person to make them change. Think about it. Let’s assume for a moment that what is really driving the star performer in your team, is to overachieve against goals. And she is doing this at the cost of being rather ruthless when it comes to her team members and the interests of the larger team. So, swing it around. Redefine success. Skew more goals towards team performance and collaborative tasks. Make her consider changing her behaviour to achieve what she set out to.

4. Make it sound like a win

Selfish people don’t like making an effort for things that aren’t benefitting them directly. So rethink how to frame your ask. Call out more directly what’s in it for them. Show them how contributing to this can actually benefit them.

Nicole Torres, in her Harvard Business Review article, What Generous People’s Brains Do Differently, shares neuroscience research on why some people find it harder to give than others. The scientists who studied what happens in our brains when we make altruistic choices found that the decision was basically around how much importance you attach to your interests versus the other person’s. Your brain calculates a trade off. So, if you can make selfish people see how they can win through being more generous, they will be likely to change.

5. Give reputational feedback

Often, what you hear of a person’s reputation could bias you way before you get the chance to form your own opinion. Sometimes, the best way to approach this to be upfront. To give, what Grant, in his article, How to Change a Selfish Person’s Stripes, calls “reputational feedback”. He shares this very telling example:

A few years ago at a financial services company, a woman named Kathy got a big promotion. She was leading a new team with a guy named Colin, and four different people warned her not to trust him. In their first meeting she sat down with him and did something courageous: she shared all the reputational feedback. “I don’t know whether it’s true or not,” she said, “But I don’t work well with people who operate that way. If this is who you are, you are not going to like working with me.” Kathy called out his reputation and gave him a chance to earn a new one. For the next year and a half, he was unusually generous in sharing credit, mentoring junior colleagues, and volunteering for unpopular assignments.

So, the question we really need to ask ourselves is how do we foster a culture at Godrej which not only encourages people to be more of givers, but also helps them be successful while they do so. We also need to think hard about how we take tougher calls on people who behave like takers, even if they are among our better performers.

As always, I look forward to your thoughts.

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Selfish Behavior: 6 Examples of Good and Toxic Selfishness

Nobody wants to be thought of as selfish – but can selfish behavior sometimes be a good thing?

What Is Selfish Behavior?

Being selfish is nearly always seen as criticism. It means putting yourself first, not prioritizing other people, and generally being unkind and uncaring.

Traits of Selfish People:

None of these sound like good things; but what is the difference between taking care of yourself and being selfish? Surely, it is better to be a confident individual than a pushover who says yes to whatever is asked of you.

The Different Stages of Selfishness

Selfish behavior isn’t linear – there are certainly some completely selfish people who have no regard for anybody other than themselves and are generally unpleasant to be around.

But everyone is a little bit selfish from time to time, aren’t they?

Good Selfishness

Looking after yourself isn’t always selfish. Indeed, it can be beneficial to other people, in which case it could be recognized as ‘good’ selfishness. For example, taking care of your needs such as making sure you have eaten and taken your medication makes you better able to help your family, take care of your children, and generally, be a positive and functioning member of society.

If you are being asked to tend to somebody else’s needs over and above your essential requirements, then it would be foolish not to practice a little ‘good selfishness’ – which I think is the same thing as self-care. None of us would expect that to be a negative character trait, after all!

Neutral Selfishness

I think that ‘neutral’ selfishness is just common sense. If you make choices that mutually benefit you and somebody else, then this isn’t selfish at all. It is choosing the most beneficial outcome for everybody involved.

For example, if a friend asked for a suggestion for a local service to use, and you belong to a loyalty scheme that you would recommend, then referring your friend works well both ways. They receive your contact and have the opportunity of using a service that their friend has had a great experience with, and you gain your loyalty points or bonus. Win-win situation!

It seems that sometimes we are so keen to be seen as selfless that we make choices that aren’t the best outcome for anybody.

Bad Selfishness

Unlike the other two categories, bad selfishness is the only true selfish behavior. This is when you put yourself first to the detriment of others. For example, choosing to take the last dessert when you have already eaten enough, and know that others will go hungry because of your greed. You benefit, even though you didn’t need to, and others lose out as a direct result of your actions.

When Can Selfish Behavior Be Good for You? 3 Examples

Sometimes, you need to be selfish; after all if you don’t look after number one, who else is going to?

Prioritizing Your Growth

Believing in yourself, committing time to your personal goals, and being assertive in your beliefs could always be perceived as selfish. These are powerful ways to support your development and progress towards your life aspirations. For example, refusing to commit to a regular engagement to focus that time on developing your career, attending a course, or learning a new skill, is good for you.

Communication

Creating a strong flow of communication in a relationship means being open and honest with your feelings and your needs. Recognizing what you need to be happy and having the confidence to communicate those needs is a way in which being selfish can have positive outcomes all around.

If you can tell your partner where you feel disappointed, and what needs to change in your relationship to make you happy, then this bodes well for the future for you both.

Positive Mental Health

Many mental health problems are caused by factors which selfish people – even if only just a little – rarely suffer from. Selfish people recognize their worth, they establish their own needs as a priority, and rarely allow themselves to become overly impacted by other people’s behavior. Standing up for yourself and recognizing your value and the contribution you make are healthy traits to be encouraged.

3 Examples of Toxic Selfish Behavior

Undoubtedly, there are plenty of examples of negative selfish behaviors. It can damage relationships, careers, and social connections.

Conclusion

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other people to live as one wishes to live.
-Oscar Wilde

We can all be selfish and this is not necessarily a bad thing but is an important and necessary way to protect our needs and practice good self-care.

If you are experiencing selfish behavior, then the best course of action is to communicate how this is making you feel and try to open up those communication channels to repair the situation.

If you find yourself dealing with ‘bad selfishness’ regularly, then perhaps it is time to practice some ‘good selfishness’ of your own and put in place boundaries and restrictions to make sure you are looking after yourself first.

References:

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