Are you talking about yourself

I Hate Talking About Myself – Reasons Why and What To Do About It

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“I hate the ‘getting to know you’ type of events. ‘Let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves’. It’s my idea of hell”

Talking about yourself can feel like a huge social challenge, particularly in a group or amongst people you don’t know well. Talking about yourself can bring up a range of anxieties, for example:

“Did I talk about myself too much?”
“What if I can’t think of anything to say?”
“Won’t everyone think I’m boring?”
“I’m going to sound like I’m bragging”
“What if everyone else is so much more exciting?”

Almost all of us have these thoughts at some time in our lives. The good news is that talking about yourself is a skill that you can train. Learning to open up can help you to build the kind of strong, supportive social network you might have been looking for.

In this article, I’m going to look at why talking about yourself is an important social skill and show you some of the strategies that helped me learn to talk about myself in a way that feels relaxed and entertaining.

1. Understand why talking about yourself is important

Many of us dislike talking about ourselves when we don’t really know what we’re aiming for. We assume that other people are unlikely to care about the details of our lives and so try to avoid the topic altogether.

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Talking about yourself is a key ingredient in letting people like you. Sharing personal information lets others feel that you trust them and encourages them to open up to you. Studies show that sharing personal information about yourself makes others like you more. It also encourages them to open up about themselves more, which makes them more enjoyable for you to be around. [1]

It might help to think of talking about yourself as an exchange. Sharing information about yourself shows that you trust and like the other person. The other person sees that and offers some trust and liking in return. This allows you to start building a friendship. [2]

Aim for a balance in your conversations where you let the other person talk, then share a little about you, then go back to learning about them, and so on.

2. Challenge your self-critical voice

If you ever feel overwhelmed or intimidated that someone else might actually be interested in hearing about your life, you might benefit from improving your confidence. Lots of people find that their internal voice tells them that others aren’t really interested. For example, it might say

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“I know they asked what I do for a living, but they don’t really care so I shouldn’t talk for too long”

This makes it difficult for you to talk about yourself and feeds into your feelings of insecurity.

Learning to like yourself enough to talk about yourself positively can take time and effort. We have tips on how to feel more confident in social settings and have ranked the best books on self-confidence.

I think the most important tip when you’re trying to improve your confidence is to realize that it’s going to take a long time and to be proud of each and every step forward you make.

To make talking about yourself easier while you’re working on your confidence, try to practice in small stages. Again, celebrate your achievements. You might find preparing answers to some questions can make it easier.

3. List topics you feel comfortable talking about

Lots of people struggle to talk about themselves because they are generally very private people. It is easy to feel that anything personal about you is also private.

Learn to tell the difference between things you believe are private and those you are just in the habit of keeping to yourself.

Make a list of topics about yourself that you feel are safe to talk about. Keeping to facts, rather than feelings can often feel safer, but doesn’t let people get to know you as well.

4. Gradually talk about more personal things

Good and safe topics to talk could about include pets, places, music, or food. These are topics you can discuss at different levels of privacy. For example, you might start by talking about where you live but move on to where you dream about living as you feel more comfortable. You can do the same thing with where you went on holiday or with pets you have had or would like to have.

We’ll explain how to do this in detail in our guide on how to make interesting conversation.

What if I don’t want to share any personal information?

If you really struggle to find anything in your life that doesn’t feel private, you might want to think about why you have such a strong desire for privacy. Sometimes, your past experiences or your psychological make-up can make it difficult to feel comfortable sharing information about yourself. For example, people with an avoidant attachment style often dislike talking about themselves. [3] Working with a qualified therapist might help you to work through some of these problems and feel more confident in personal conversations.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist’s office.

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5. Realize talking about yourself isn’t bragging

If you worry about coming across as bragging, consider talking about things others have said about you, instead of having to come up with your own words.

Many of us worry that we come across as bragging. We might have been told not to ‘show off’ as children or we might know someone whose constant self-praise makes them uncomfortable to be around. We don’t want to be that person.

It can be useful to recognize the big gap between talking about yourself normally and being a braggart. Think about conversations with people who you enjoy talking about and notice how they talk about themselves.

Whenever you find yourself worrying about this, remind yourself that almost no-one who worries about bragging actually does it.

6. Share how things you do make you feel

You might feel awkward talking about yourself because you’re worried that others might judge you or think it’s silly.

Try sharing how the things you do make you feel. Recognize that others might not enjoy those activities, but they probably just have different ways of finding their sense of enjoyment and fulfillment.

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What type of social overthinker are you?

Telling people things we dislike about ourselves feels more risky and uncomfortable than telling them things we are proud of. [4] Learning to not feel judged starts with developing the inner confidence that you are starting to move your life in the right direction. Remind yourself of why your activities are right for you. For example, rather than thinking

“I can’t tell people I play computer games in the evening. They’ll think I have no friends”

Try to remind yourself why you like computer games

“I can tell people how much I like computer games and explain how you have to find the right tool to solve the puzzle and how it’s a modern approach to storytelling”

You can also remind yourself that talking to people who seem to have their lives perfectly sorted can be intimidating for most people. By showing your slightly geeky/weird/different side, you are making yourself seem more approachable.

7. Practice storytelling

Lots of people worry that they might be boring when they talk about themselves. Often, the difference between a boring conversation and a great one is how you tell the story.

Probably the most important tip, though, is to practice. When something funny or outrageous happens in my life, I look for the story. I think about what people would find interesting and I start writing the ‘script’ in my head. I tell myself the story a few times to make sure that I’m getting the important features right. Then I tell it to my closest friends. The more times I tell it, the better or funnier it gets.

8. Write down answers to common questions

Consider writing down answers to some of the most common questions you are asked. There are some questions that you will be asked over and over, such as “where are you from?” or “What do you do for a living?”. Spending a little time thinking and writing can help you know what you want to say when you’re asked.

Don’t try to memorize these answers. Just make sure that you’ve got the gist right.

If possible, include a little bit of humor into your answers. For example, when people ask what I do for a living, I might answer

“I sit in my spare room and tell people what I think. Apparently, that’s called ‘being a writer’ nowadays.”

Elaborate based on who you are talking to

Try not to just give your prepared answer. That risks coming across as stiff and uninterested. Instead, think of what you have prepared as the skeleton of your answer. You can elaborate based on who you are talking to.

For example, after my description of being a writer above, I can choose to add to this based on the group I’m talking to. If it’s a conference or meeting associated with counseling, I might say

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“I know I joke about it, but actually I really love how many people I can help through writing articles.”

On the other hand, if I’m talking to someone I’ve just met while walking my dog, I might say

“Honestly, it’s great. It means I don’t have to leave this little pup alone all day. Who knows what kind of mischief he’d get up to then.”

9. Practice being OK with receiving attention

“If I talk about myself, I worry that I’m coming across as a complete attention whore”

Some hate talking about themselves because they worry that they might come across as ‘attention-seeking’ and annoying. Even if that doesn’t worry you, feeling like you are in the spotlight can still be profoundly uncomfortable.

If you find it difficult to be the focus of attention in a conversation, it might help to practice with people you already know well and smaller groups. Giving your opinion or experiences to a group of three people you are already friends with might be less stressful than if you are speaking to a group of 10 strangers.

It can also help to re-frame how you think about conversations. When you talk about yourself it’s easy to think that you are taking attention away from other people. The next time you catch yourself worrying about that, try telling yourself:

“Talking about myself adds to the conversation. Telling my stories lets my friends share something with me.”

10. Spend time doing things you can talk about

Lots of people struggle to talk about themselves because they don’t feel happy with the way that they spend their time. One of the best pieces of advice I have received is to try to have at least one ‘adventure’ per month.

An adventure doesn’t have to be bungee jumping. It can be anything you find exciting or interesting. For example, I recently walked through an area I’d never walked before and found some beautiful sculptures only half a mile from my house that I’d never seen before.

Now, when people ask where I live, I have something to talk about, rather than just telling them the name of my town. I can say “I live in Wallingford. It’s a small town, so you’ve probably never heard of it but I love it there. It’s really close to the countryside and I even found a cool sculpture garden hidden away. What about you? What’s the best bit about where you live?”

If possible, take pictures on your phone during your ‘adventure’. Having pictures to show, especially funny ones, can help to take the pressure off your conversation. Be selective about which pictures you show. I recently went hawking for the first time. If I tried to show you all the pictures I took that day, you’d be really bored. Instead, I just show the one picture of a harris hawk perched on my head.

11. Work on social anxiety

Difficulty talking about yourself is a common symptom of social anxiety. [5] Taking steps to improve your underlying mental health can help you to feel more comfortable, as well as improving your quality of life more generally.

As with many other mental health conditions, exercise, nutrition and self-care can all make a difference. You may also want to seek out professional help from your doctor, as both medication and therapy have been shown to be effective in treating social anxiety. [6]

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and are cheaper than going to a therapist’s office.

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Although social anxiety makes it hard to talk about yourself, there is evidence that people are willing to give you a second chance. Even if you struggle to share information initially, people are happy to change their minds about you and like you more once you have built up the confidence to share personal information. [5]

When you’re struggling, try to remind yourself:

“I know it feels like people will think badly about me if I talk about myself, but it’s my anxiety making me feel that way. I’ll try sharing and see how it goes.”

12. Remind yourself how little people think about others

Many worry about talking about themselves because they are scared of being judged. When you talk about yourself, especially in a group, you might feel that everyone is noticing everything about you and remembering every tiny error you make.

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In actual fact, people notice much less about us than we think they do. This is known as the Spotlight Effect. [7] When you worry about being judged, remind yourself that others probably won’t even notice awkward or embarrassing things, let alone remember them.

If you’re still worried, try to keep a relaxed and friendly face. People remember an overall sense of your demeanor more than they remember specifics. If you act like something isn’t a big deal, they’re likely to think it’s no big deal too.

References

How To Talk About Yourself (+ 12 Good Things To Say)

“So, tell me about yourself…”

Is there a more dreaded question out there?

Other than your grandparents repeatedly asking if you’ve met anyone nice, that is!

It can be really hard to talk about yourself without accidentally sounding pretentious or arrogant, but you also don’t want to do yourself down.

Whether you’re in a job interview, on a first date, or meeting new people at a party, we’ve got some tips on how to master the ‘humble brag’…

1. Keep it short and snappy.

Interesting as you probably are, nobody expects an essay as a response.

While people are genuinely keen to find out more about you, they want to know the concise version of your personality… to start with, at least.

In an interview, for example, your answers should be snappy and to the point – most potential employers want to know that you can condense information down to the most important bits.

If you’re meeting new people, conversations tend to follow a certain pattern. Although there is so much more going on in your life, people generally want to know what your job is within three seconds of meeting you.

We know, we know – our jobs don’t define us, but they do help others make snap judgements, and that’s what a lot of introductory conversations are about.

By responding relatively speedily in this kind of situation, you’ll be able to identify a potential bond early on.

You can ask questions too, of course, meaning you’ve got a fast-track ticket to finding out a lot about each other in a short space of time.

After a few minutes of back-and-forth, you’ll both know if you want to carry on the conversation and get into more detail.

Think of it like speed-dating – you give lots of short, punchy titbits early on to interest and engage each other, and then decide whether to get a second drink and divulge more information.

Example – on a first date, mention where you live, what your job is, and one of your hobbies. These three punchy statements will probably answer the next few questions the other person had, and you’ll be on the way to establishing some common ground.

2. Be honest – you’ll appreciate this later, trust us!

There is no point lying or embellishing your interests or achievements.

Take our word for it.

From personal experience, there is nothing more excruciatingly painful than having your brand new boss ask about something you pretended to be really interested it…

…the results of last night’s game? Not a clue, but they’ll assume you know as you were so passionate about it in your interview.

Equally, saying that you can speak a foreign language when you can’t may look impressive on a CV, but will look pretty silly in a meeting when you struggle to remember your GCSE Spanish. Not a great move!

Remember that episode of Friends where Joey says he can speak French and tap dance? Didn’t work out so well. If you can down a gallon of milk in under a minute, though, go for it…

This works with friendships and relationships, too. It might feel good to agree with someone on a certain hobby or job role, but, by pretending, you’re putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

You’ll become so worried about slipping up and revealing that you told a white lie that you’ll stop enjoying any interactions with that person.

Try to remember that you’re great as you are and that you can be honest about what you do, as well as what you don’t do.

There’s nothing wrong with not agreeing with someone, and not every hobby is going to be shared. If you’re not interested in the same initial thing, keep going and find a different, common ground. There’ll be one in there somewhere!

Example – reveal a secret, interesting fact about yourself or just go for something genuine, like being able to speak a foreign language or touch-type. It might not seem thrilling to you, but it might just spark a great conversation.

3. Engage and respond (appropriately!)

If someone has mentioned that they enjoy something you also enjoy, this is a really easy way to talk about yourself without bragging.

It will help you engage the person you’re speaking with, they’ll be able to relate to you more, and the conversation will feel much more natural.

On a first date, for example, finding common ground can be a huge relief compared to those stretches of awkward silence.

By sharing your passion for something, you’ll appear way more ‘human’ and are likely to have a genuine connection.

If you’re in an interview, it’s always great for the employer to feel like they’d actually get on with you on a day-to-day basis.

We’re all capable of being professional when we need to, so the human touch is really important and shows that you’re an authentic, interesting person that they’ll actually talk to.

By responding and interacting more, you open yourself up as a person and come across as genuine, which can only ever be a good thing.

Make sure you’re appropriate in an interview, of course. Going out and drinking every weekend may be a hobby of yours, and of theirs(!), but you don’t need to bring that up.

Focus on your love of the French language, passion for rock-climbing, or weekly trip to the local library. Much safer.

Example – tell them that you also love going to farmers’ markets at the weekend and start a conversation about one you’ve been to locally. Who knows, you might even end up going to one together some day…

4. Be confident – or pretend to be!

You know yourself better than anyone, and you’re in a great position to present yourself in the best possible light.

Whether it’s an interview or a date, you’re starting with a blank slate, which means that all anyone will know about you is what you tell them and how you tell it.

Being confident is a challenge for a lot of people. Try to remind yourself that whoever you’re talking to doesn’t know you, so they won’t know that you’re actually shy and hate speaking to strangers.

If you pretend to be confident, they’ll just assume that you are. We know it’s not quite that easy, which is why we’d suggest that practice makes perfect.

Your loved ones will always be there to offer support, so why not run through a few mock interviews with them? The more you become used to talking about yourself in this way, the more genuine confidence will build up. It feels quite silly at first, but it’ll really pay off.

This whole article is about helping you feel comfortable and confident in talking about yourself. The fact that we’ve written it shows just how much of an issue it can be for a lot of us, so try to take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.

Like we said – fake it till you make it. You’ll be surprised by how quickly you’ll settle into your new role as an outgoing individual and while it may not become second nature, you’ll be able to pull it off when required.

Example – don’t hold back, be bold with what you’re saying. Your loved ones are interested when you talk because they know you – those who don’t are interested because they want to know you, so try to remember that.

5. Accept potential judgement.

We’d love to tell you that nobody is judging you, but it may not be true. What we will tell you, however, is that it doesn’t matter.

Sure, people will make snap judgements, but there is no point in worrying what they might be. You just need to accept that this will happen and remind yourself that it’s not always a negative thing.

A snap judgement could be, “Wow, firm handshake!” or, “Oh okay, I love playing tennis as well, that’s great” – it doesn’t always need to be what the voice in your head is suggesting.

If you focus too much on what people may or may not be thinking, you’ll completely lose yourself and you’ll forget how to just be you.

Remember that whoever you’re talking to wants to find out more about you, whether it’s for a job or as a new friend. If they judge and they don’t like you, it’s just not the right match.

Remember that whatever happens, you’ll be fine – if you don’t get a job offer from that boss you felt was judging you, it’s for the best. Would you really want to work for someone who you felt was constantly looking down on you?

The guy you had a date with might have thought your hobbies were lame, so you’ve had a lucky escape by avoiding a second date. Things would never really work out if you have such differing opinions on things that matter so much to you.

If you try to start new interactions with this mindset, you’ll worry so much less about the outcome and be able to focus on just being your wonderful self. Odds are, everything will work out much better in the end anyway.

Example – say what you want and ignore your own anxiety around what others might think.

6. Prepare something in advance.

If you’re feeling nervous about any new interactions, planning is one of the best ways to eradicate those anxieties.

Write down a list of things of things you do at the moment – run through your daily routine and your weekend activities over the past few months. Think about the things you do and the things that you enjoy, and remember that these can be very different!

If you’re struggling, ask your loved ones what they think of when they think of you. This might help trigger some memories of what you’ve been up to. It can be really hard to remember our hobbies when we’re put on the spot, and recalling what we had for breakfast is hard enough some days!

Make another list of things you’d like to be doing with your life. This is probably quite different to what most of us actually do.

Talking about yourself doesn’t just need to be arbitrary facts about your everyday life. Someone’s future plans and interests can be really engaging, and it’s always nice to hear about the direction people are trying to steer their lives in.

Mentioning that you want to up and travel the world isn’t the best thing to say in a job interview, but it’ll spark off a great conversation with a date or new friend.

Talk about your wishes to join a dance club or start swimming again. These kinds of things might not be that interesting to you because you’re not actually doing them yet, but they’ll help give people more of an impression of your personality.

Someone who introduces themselves as a banker might not seem instantly fascinating, but their future goal to skydive across Australia? Pretty cool and definitely conversation-worthy.

By preparing yourself for this type of question, you’ll go into social situations feeling much more confident.

Example – mention what you did a few weekends ago – they don’t need to know that you’ve been planning your answer since then! You can talk about future plans, too, and run through a list you’ve already made of your life goals.

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7. Reverse the question.

If you feel like you need a few minutes to regroup after this kind of question, give a little bit of information and then put the question back to them.

It won’t come across as ‘weak’ and they won’t know that you’re partially doing it to deflect attention. You’ll come across as invested and genuinely interested in whatever the situation is.

If you’re on a date or meeting someone new, the other person will feel flattered that you’re paying them attention and seem to really care. You’ll also find out some new information about that person, which is always exciting.

In an interview, you’re allowed to ask questions! Just because you’re the one in the hot seat, doesn’t mean you can’t reverse the system and ask a few questions.

Make sure they’re relevant and appropriate (don’t ask about the salary!), but try to feel comfortable exploring a bit more. You’re more than entitled to ask more about the role, or about whoever your departmental manager will be.

Show that you’ve done your research by asking what the interviewer’s reaction to X or Y was – they’ll be impressed that you’re aware of what’s going on in their work-world and will appreciate the opportunity to bond.

It also shows that you’re interesting, switched on and want to be engaged in the business.

Example – ask them what they’re expecting from you as an employee or how they find working in the team.

8. Don’t be scared of talking yourself up…

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of yourself and your achievements.

Be careful with how you’re wording this kind of thing (we’ll go into that next!), but don’t feel as though you can’t celebrate yourself and your achievements.

In an interview, it’s good to talk about positive impacts you’ve had on businesses in the past. You’ll probably have written your achievements on your CV anyway; this is just giving you the opportunity to go into more detail and add a personality to the words.

If you’re meeting a new friend or potential date, it’s always good to be confident. Don’t be arrogant, of course, but feel free to talk positively about yourself. Stories are always so much more interesting when the person telling them is genuinely interested in what they’re saying!

Talk about the things you enjoy with passion – it will say a lot about you. Speak with pride about the things you’ve accomplished, as this shows that you have respect for yourself and understand your worth.

That’s such an important quality in many ways. People who shy away from celebrating their own successes may appear very insecure or unsure – this is obviously fine, but it may not be an accurate representation of your personality.

Try to work on speaking openly about the things you’re good at – you can practice on your loved ones as you know that they’ll be supportive of you and join in with talking you up!

Example – don’t hold back from opening up about some interesting and exciting things you’ve done. Interviews are a space for you to talk about your accomplishments so don’t shy away from talking about your successful moments!

9. …But don’t talk yourself up too much!

Making yourself sound like a great person (which you obviously are!) is absolutely fine. Going overboard and coming across as a bit brash? Not so great.

There’s a fine line between pride and arrogance, and we’ve got some tips on how to stay on the right side of that line.

If you’re in an interview, talking about your accomplishments is key. It’s really important to talk about times you’ve worked and performed really well, but make sure you’re telling the full story.

One of your biggest achievements may have been when you were working as part of a team. Don’t discredit this as an example just because it doesn’t reference you doing something alone! Doing things incredibly well while working alongside others is still doing things incredibly well.

Reference your co-workers where needed – taking solo credit for a group effort could very easily blow up in your face later on if it’s discovered that the work you did involved other people.

Being able to recognize your own efforts as well as your ability to work with others is great and employers really like hearing that people are versatile.

This may actually make you feel more comfortable in talking about yourself as well – you can reference your contributions within a team, so there’s less pressure to just talk solidly about yourself.

If you’re on a date or meeting new people, staying a little bit humble is probably a good idea, at least to start with.

Imagine how you’d feel if you met someone new and all they spoke about was how brilliant they are, how good at their job they are, and the expensive car they just bought themselves.

By all means, as we’ve suggested, be confident when sharing things about yourself, but remember that conversations go both ways.

Keep the other person involved by inviting opinion and asking questions back, not just talking yourself up the whole time!

You’ll find this kind of thing much easier the more you talk to new people, don’t worry – it’s not as tricky as it sounds.

Example – mention the team you’ve been working within when talking about work successes. This shows that you’re not selfish when it comes to taking credit for hard work, but that you also have self-respect and understand the importance of your contributions.

10. Keep it casual.

Even if you’ve planned out what you’re going to say to the nth degree, try to act casual.

It’s great that you’re prepared, but people may find it a bit strange if you seem to be reading from a mental script.

Going over what you want to say is great, as we’ve mentioned, but try to keep things loose and casual when you speak.

By the time your interaction (interview, date, party etc.) comes up, you’ll have been over your ideas so many times that they’ll feel like second nature. This means that you’ll know your ‘topic’ inside and out and the words will just flow.

Trust that this will happen and try to relax. If you’re already a naturally nervous person, this can be really tricky. Remind yourself that you’ve rehearsed, as it were, and you’re now ready to ad-lib based on your knowledge.

People will understand if you take a few moments to respond to a question, especially a big meaty one like this!

Interviewers will actually be expecting you to take a pause here. They’ll want you to be prepared but they won’t want it to feel thoroughly choreographed. Take it slowly, breathe and try and be as natural as you can.

Example – write yourself a script if you need to, then convert it to flashcards. That way, you’ll learn the key points rather than the order of words in a sentence. This will help you talk naturally and you’ll remember the prompts rather than reciting what you planned word for word!

11. Back yourself up.

If you’re going to an interview, some props can really work in your favor. Portfolios can be fantastic for a lot of jobs and statistics are a great way to back up what you’re saying about yourself.

If you’re talking about the clients you converted to sponsors, or the extra sales you achieved by working with another company, bring the figures to explain it.

Talking about yourself in this kind of sense can be quite tricky – no matter how convincing you are, a lot of people want to see some evidence to back it up. Saying that you’ve done things is a good start, but being able to prove it on paper (or laptop!) really packs a punch.

Make sure you’re fully prepared going into this kind of thing. You don’t want to give a presentation, but you do want to ensure you’ve got the right documents with you and that you’re on the right track.

Think of the best way to present your data and tailor that to the company you’re interviewing with. If you’re applying for a creative role, reflect that aspect of the job in your documents. If it’s more of a straight-laced company, go old-fashioned and show off a pie chart or graph.

Go over things with someone you trust before you go into the interview. They’ll be able to sense-check what you’re doing and point out any glaring errors you’re making.

They’ll give you a confidence boost and help you figure out the order you should present things in. The rest is down to you.

Example – your involvement in a company’s marketing campaign increased sales by X%, so show that off with a pie chart or, if it’s appropriate, creative infographic.

12. Be consistent.

This mainly applies to job interviews – keep what you’re saying relevant to your CV.

If you randomly remember something in your interview that you didn’t put on your CV, bringing it up is fine! But try to stick to what you’ve already submitted.

The interviewer was impressed enough with your CV to take you to interview, so they’ll want to hear more about what they’ve read there.

Run through your CV again a few times before any interview. This will remind you of the things that are on there and can help you remember why you included them.

Recalling dates can be tricky at times, especially when you’re feeling stressed or nervous. Being inconsistent with this type of thing will really stand out, however, and the panic you’ll then feel will be horrible.

If someone questions something on your CV, try to stay calm and run back through your mental notes. If you’re really stuck, try to make a joke about it or ask a question in return, like “Sorry, what do you mean by that?” or something to buy you time and help you clarify what it is you should be saying!

This really links in to everything we’ve been saying above and ties it all together. Be honest and you’ll be able to stick to the same story – because it’s true!

By planning beforehand, you’ll know exactly what you want to talk about and you’ll be talking the interviewer through your CV, essentially.

If the interaction is more casual, with a date or new friend, this still applies…

…you’ll instantly appear trustworthy if you’re consistent. People who are all over the place can come across as flaky or slightly suspicious.

We’re not saying that you have to stick to just one topic of conversation, however. Talk about yourself and the various things you’ve done with your life, but stay consistent to yourself.

Example – if you’ve written that you worked at your last job from 2013 – 2017, make sure this is what you’re saying. As soon as you deviate from something you previously wrote/ said, you give the interviewer a chance to doubt you.

So, now that we’ve run through these easy ways to talk about yourself, there’s just one thing left to do – practice!

You can read about it as much as humanly possible, but the steps aren’t going to make real sense unless you start putting them into motion.

Talking about yourself can feel very intimidating at first, even though you know yourself better than anyone else. The more you’re exposed to these types of interactions, the sooner you’ll find a way that works best for you so that can feel truly comfortable and confident.

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About Author

Lucy is a travel and wellness writer currently based in Gili Air, a tiny Indonesian island. After over a year of traveling, she’s settled in paradise and spends her days wandering around barefoot, practicing yoga and exploring new ways to work on her wellbeing.

How to Stop Talking About Yourself Too Much

Whenever I talk to someone, and they mention something I like, I get excited. I start sharing my own experience, but after the conversation ends, I think that I dominated the conversation by talking about myself. We didn’t end up talking about the original topic. I feel bad. I don’t want to make the people I’m talking to feel like I don’t care about them. How can I cure myself of this talking-about-myself disorder?”

Does this sound like you?

A good conversation is a back-and-forth between the parties involved. In practice, though, they don’t end up a 50-50 split. It’s normal for one person to talk more than the other sometimes, depending on the situation. If someone is going through a rough time or is explaining something, they might take up more space in the conversation.

It’s hard to tell if you’re talking about yourself too much. We might worry that we overshared, but our conversation partners didn’t perceive us that way at all. Your insecurity may be making you overthink your conversations and judge yourself harshly.

However, if you regularly feel that you talk about yourself more than your conversation partner does, there might be something to it. It’s worth learning how to stop talking about yourself too much and instead have more balanced conversations.

How can I tell if I’m talking about myself too much?

Some signs you talk too much can help you determine whether you really do talk about yourself too much:

1. Your friends know more about you than you know about them

You might realize that you don’t know much about what is going on in the lives of friends, coworkers, family, or acquaintances while they know about yours. That’s a good sign that you’re dominating your conversations.

2. You feel relieved after your conversations

If you’re always feeling this way, it may be a sign that conversations are more of a confessional than a discussion.

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3. You’ve been told that you’re not a good listener

If someone else has commented that you talk about yourself too much or that you’re not a good listener, there may be something to it.

4. When someone talks, you find yourself focusing on what you’re going to say

A conversation should be an easygoing back-and-forth. If you’re too busy thinking about what you’re going to say, you’re going to miss essential things your conversation partner is sharing.

5. Your instinct is to defend yourself when you feel misunderstood

It’s normal to want to defend ourselves, but it often leads to a position where we are making something about ourselves when it shouldn’t be.

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6. You find yourself regretting things that you’ve said

If you often come out of conversations regretting things you’ve shared, you might be oversharing out of nervousness or an attempt to connect.

Do you find yourself in these statements? They can give a good indication that your conversations are unbalanced.

The first step in creating equal conversations is to understand the reasons why you’re talking about yourself too much in the first place.

Why am I talking about myself so much?

Some reasons people might find themselves talking about themselves too much are:

1. They feel nervous when talking to other people

“Motormouth” is a common nervous habit, where it’s hard to stop once you get started. Rambling can be especially common in people with ADHD, due to impulsive behavior. [1] Someone might ask you how you are, and you find that the short story you wanted to share turned into a seemingly non-stop monologue. Someone who is shy or nervous about speaking to other people might then paradoxically find themselves talking too much in conversations.

2. They feel too shy to ask questions

Some people don’t feel comfortable asking people questions. It might come from a fear of rejection. They might be afraid of appearing nosy or making the other person uncomfortable or angry. So they talk about themselves instead of asking questions that might seem too personal.

3. They don’t have other outlets for their emotions

Sometimes, when we have a lot going on and no one to talk to, we can feel that we’re sharing too much when someone asks us what’s going on. It’s as if someone has opened the floodgates and the current is too strong to stop. It’s normal to want to share our lives with others, and we might find ourselves jumping at the few opportunities we get.

4. They want to connect through shared experiences

People tend to bond over things that we have in common. When the person we’re talking to is sharing a tough time they went through, we might offer up a similar experience to show that we empathize with them. This is a tactic that comes from a good intention, but it can sometimes backfire.

5. They want to appear knowledgeable or interesting

We all want to be liked, especially by someone that we want to connect with. Some people talk a lot about themselves out of a desire to appear exciting. This urge to impress can lead to unintentionally dominating the conversation.

Those are just some of the reasons why someone might be talking too much.

Now you might be asking yourself, “that’s all great, but how do I stop talking about myself too much?” Awareness is the first step. Next, you can start to take action.

How to connect without talking too much about yourself

1. Remember that people like to talk about themselves

When discomfort about asking questions shows up, remind yourself that it’s OK. The person that you’re talking to will probably appreciate your interest. If there’s anything that they feel uncomfortable sharing, they will tell you. Note your insecurity, but don’t let it dictate your actions.

2. Think of questions that you would like to ask

If you know that you’re going to meet up with someone, think about what you would like to know about them. Don’t see it like an interview: once they answer one of your questions, let that flow into a new conversation.

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For example, say you’ve decided to ask your classmate if they have siblings and what kind of music they like. You don’t have to ask both questions back-to-back in the same conversation. If they say they have siblings, you can ask follow-up questions, like “are they older or younger? Are you close to them?” If they’re an only child, you can ask if they enjoy it, or would they have wanted to have a brother or sister.

3. Pay attention to missing details

When a coworker is telling you about a problem they’re having with their dog, you might be tempted to say, “oh, my dog used to do that!” While that’s a normal response, you can ask questions to connect further. Instead of following up with what happened with your dog, you can say instead, “my dog used to do that, it was really tough. How are you handling it?” Stay curious and ask for more details where applicable. In this example, you can ask your coworker how long they’ve had the dog, or what type of breed it is.

4. Show that you listen and remember

Bringing up something that your conversation partner previously mentioned will most likely make them feel heard and validated. Let’s say that the last time that you’ve talked, your friend said that they’ve been busy studying for an exam. Asking them, “how did that exam go?” will show them that you listened and cared enough to remember. They’re likely to then go into details and share whether or not they feel they did well.

5. Practice pausing before speaking

It’s easy to get caught up in conversation and let one sentence lead to another without much thought. Before we know it, we’ve been talking for several minutes. Practice pausing and breathing as you speak. Pausing will prevent you from getting too caught up in what you’re saying. Taking deep breaths during the conversation will help you stay calm and avoid rambling due to nervousness

6. Give compliments

Pay attention to things you appreciate about the other person, and let them know about it. If you thought they sounded confident when they spoke in class, share that with them. Tell them that you think their shirt color looks good on them. Congratulate them for scoring a goal in the game or getting an answer right in class. People like getting compliments, and it’s likely to make them feel more connected to you. We appreciate people who appreciate us. Make sure to be honest with your compliments. Don’t say something just for the sake of it.

7. Journal, see a therapist, or both

If you think that lack of emotional outlets leads you to overshare in conversations, try and find other places where you can vent. Keep a regular journal where you write about what’s going on in your daily life, and talk to a professional to process difficult events. This will prevent you from oversharing in a conversation when you’re just trying to connect.

8. Ask their opinion

If you find that you have been talking about yourself for a while, you can pause and ask your conversation partner what they think. If you’ve been talking about an experience that you’ve had, you might ask, “have you ever had something similar happen to you?” instead. Give them opportunities to share their own experience. They might be too shy to do it of their own accord and are just waiting for an invitation.

9. Practice some prepared answers

If you find yourself oversharing and unable to stop, think of some answers and “safe” topics in advance. If you’re going through a tough time and someone asks, “what’s been going on lately?” you might feel put on the spot and say, “my dog is sick and I don’t know how to pay for the surgery. My brother won’t help, and I’m so stressed I can’t sleep, so my grades are slipping…” You might come away from the conversation feeling ashamed for sharing so much. You might instead say something like, “it’s a stressful time for me, but I’m doing OK. How are you?” If the person you’re talking to is interested and you feel comfortable, you can share more as the conversation continues.

You can think in advance of general things you can share. For example, maybe you don’t want to tell your parents about the fact that you’re trying to date. If they ask you what’s new, you might feel comfortable sharing that you have a new plant or about the book that you’re reading. Make a list of “safe” topics that you can mention without going into a long vent.

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References

Viktor is a Counselor specialized in interpersonal communication and relationships. He manages SocialSelf’s scientific review board. Follow on Twitter or read more.

How to Talk About Yourself

How to talk about yourself without turning everyone else off

If you want to make a sale, you’re going to have to spend some time talking about yourself. For some people, talking about themselves is easy. For others, it feels next to impossible. But explaining what you do and how you can help to someone you just met isn’t supposed to be simple. And even if it feels natural to you, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it well.

So you’re talking with a potential client. You’ve gotten to know a little about them and their business. You’re getting a feel for what their problem is. Now it’s time to talk about you. What do you say?

The three ways people go wrong when talking about themselves

I’ve seen a lot of conversations go terribly wrong when people start talking about themselves. Over time, I’ve noticed three major trouble spots that people fall into:

Do you see yourself in any of those categories? I know I’ve fallen into one or two of them before. Here’s what I’ve done (and what I’ve watched others do) to stay on track.

The three antidotes to overwhelming, confusing, or boring the people you’re talking to

1. Focus on the Problem: If you tend to spend too much time talking about yourself, you’re probably not really focusing on the other person or their problem. Knowing how to determine whether or not you can solve someone’s problem will naturally direct and constrain what you say about yourself. I talk much more about this in my “How to Get to the Heart of the Problem” blog.‍

2. Keep it Snappy: The fewer words you use, the clearer you’ll need to be to get your point across. Practice explaining what you do in just a couple sentences. For example, here’s something I might say:

I’m an Emmy award winning director and designer. We work with Fortune 500 companies and Madison Avenue agencies, but we’re also expanding our business to work with clients just like you.

I established myself quickly and concisely. Within two sentences you know my credentials, what I do, who I work with, and that I may be able to solve your problem. No rambling, nothing confusing; just quick, clear, and concise.

3. Show Your Passion: Show that you love what you do! Show a point of view, your agency’s culture, or a personality. Let the other person know who you are – as a person and as a business. There’s no need to go over the top, but you want to show that you’re excited about your work and – by extension – would be excited about what they do, too.

It’s not always easy

But with practice you absolutely can perfect how you talk about yourself on your way to asking for the sale.

Chris Do is an Emmy award winning director, designer, strategist and educator. He’s the Chief Strategist and CEO of Blind, executive producer of The Skool, and the Founder and CEO of The Futur— an online education platform that teaches the business of design to creative thinkers.

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How to talk about yourself without turning everyone else off

If you want to make a sale, you’re going to have to spend some time talking about yourself. For some people, talking about themselves is easy. For others, it feels next to impossible. But explaining what you do and how you can help to someone you just met isn’t supposed to be simple. And even if it feels natural to you, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it well.

So you’re talking with a potential client. You’ve gotten to know a little about them and their business. You’re getting a feel for what their problem is. Now it’s time to talk about you. What do you say?

The three ways people go wrong when talking about themselves

I’ve seen a lot of conversations go terribly wrong when people start talking about themselves. Over time, I’ve noticed three major trouble spots that people fall into:

Do you see yourself in any of those categories? I know I’ve fallen into one or two of them before. Here’s what I’ve done (and what I’ve watched others do) to stay on track.

The three antidotes to overwhelming, confusing, or boring the people you’re talking to

1. Focus on the Problem: If you tend to spend too much time talking about yourself, you’re probably not really focusing on the other person or their problem. Knowing how to determine whether or not you can solve someone’s problem will naturally direct and constrain what you say about yourself. I talk much more about this in my “How to Get to the Heart of the Problem” blog.‍

2. Keep it Snappy: The fewer words you use, the clearer you’ll need to be to get your point across. Practice explaining what you do in just a couple sentences. For example, here’s something I might say:

I’m an Emmy award winning director and designer. We work with Fortune 500 companies and Madison Avenue agencies, but we’re also expanding our business to work with clients just like you.

I established myself quickly and concisely. Within two sentences you know my credentials, what I do, who I work with, and that I may be able to solve your problem. No rambling, nothing confusing; just quick, clear, and concise.

3. Show Your Passion: Show that you love what you do! Show a point of view, your agency’s culture, or a personality. Let the other person know who you are – as a person and as a business. There’s no need to go over the top, but you want to show that you’re excited about your work and – by extension – would be excited about what they do, too.

It’s not always easy

But with practice you absolutely can perfect how you talk about yourself on your way to asking for the sale.

What To Say When You Talk About Yourself

You’ve landed the interview for your perfect job.

You’re on the phone with a potential new client.

Maybe you’re even sitting across from the woman who could become your mother-in-law.

After exchanging a few pleasantries, the other person takes control of the conversation and says, “So, tell me a little about yourself.”

*Gulp.* Is it just me, or is it getting warm in here?

What does that mean, “tell me about yourself”? Where to begin? Clearly it’s not, “Well, I was born in the car on the way to the hospital…” nor is it “Here are the 50 most frequent compliments I hear about myself.” It feels like an extrovert’s question, doesn’t it? Introverts are more about “show, don’t tell,” and we assume extroverts probably love this question (and follow it up with “Now, enough about me, what do you think about me?”).

The truth is, it’s an awkward question for most of us, introvert or extrovert. To the person doing the asking, “tell me about yourself” might sound innocent, almost like an icebreaker. But when we’re put into situations where we don’t feel entirely safe (we’re being judged on some level) or the stakes are high (we need the work!), the open-ended vagueness of the request can leave even the most articulate among us tongue-tied.

And as much as that question can leave us searching for words (sometimes even if we’ve prepared for it), we’re not likely to avoid it. According to an infographic prepared by ComeRecommended.com, “Tell me about yourself” is number one on the list of “five questions most likely to be asked” during an interview (you can see the full infographic here).

Since I myself clam up when asked that question (it all feels so boring to say out-loud, even though my life is far from boring), I decided to seek the advice of a few experts. Their wide range of perspectives was enlightening and even comforting, since now I can hear “tell me about yourself” as an invitation, rather than an inquisition. I hope you experience the same relief!

Matt Youngquist
Career Horizons

In my experience, the “tell me about yourself” question at the start of an interview is a make-or-break moment for most candidates. My advice is to answer the question in three parts. First, give a very abbreviated tour of your work history in about a minute or so, hitting only the highlights and keeping in mind that the employer already has a copy of your resume in hand. When finished with this step, sum up your career to date with a powerful “crescendo” where you outline the top skills, values, and/or work passions you believe you’ve demonstrated consistently as a professional, leading to success in each of your past positions. What do you stand for? What overarching themes are woven throughout your background? What authentic strengths set you apart from your peers? Then finally, bring your answer to a close by passing the conversational baton back to the interviewer with a statement like “So that’s me, in a nutshell. I’d be happy to elaborate further on anything, if you’d like — and am looking forward to hearing more about the position you have open and how these strengths I’ve mentioned might fit with it.”

Sawanda Spinks
Born2Blossom

Ahhhh yes, the dreaded question, ‘Tell me about yourself?’ There used to be a time where I wanted my prospective employer to be a mind reader and just KNOW me through my resume and my great looking suit! But alas, no one knew until I told them.

The way that I would handle this question is to NOT focus on “you” as the individual (i.e. I am a team player, I am confident, I am a self-motivator, etc…) but to focus on what you LOVE TO DO! Usually, the “what I love to do” statement is followed by answers that involve helping others. We, as humans, LOVE to help and support other people BEFORE we help and support ourselves! And if you think about it, when a prospective employer or client really asks the question, “Tell me about yourself,” they are really asking, “what do YOU do (or CAN you do) that could benefit my company OR my mission?” What’s your passion? How can you take what you love and benefit that company or that potential client? Your passion is what attracted you to that job description or that person who wants to work with you.

When you look at the “Tell me about yourself” question as a time to reveal how YOU can help and support someone else, the question doesn’t seem as dreaded and you don’t have to wish, anymore, for them to be mind readers.

Andrea Ballard
Expecting Change

Put yourself in the interviewer’s mindset and think about why they may be asking you this question. Perhaps they have been drafted into the interview at the last minute, or been so busy they had no time to prepare. They’re embarrassed that they haven’t read your resume ahead of time, so they’re stalling and hoping you’ll fill in the gaps enough to make them sound slightly educated when they ask you questions. Or, they may think “Tell me about yourself” is a good way to help you relax and establish rapport. No matter what the reason, keep in mind – their intention is good. It’s not a question designed to embarrass you, trip you up, or make you say something you wouldn’t reveal otherwise. Don’t respond with “Well, what do you want to know?” because then you may embarrass them! Pause. Breathe. Say, “Sure, I’d be happy to.” And follow with a brief but interesting response showing how you would add value to their organization in the particular job you are interviewing for.

Michelle Ward
When I Grow Up Coach

I think – at risk of sounding like a hippy-dippy – it’s about setting an intention that puts it outside of yourself. If your intention is to Connect, for example, then you’ll stop the loop in your head that you sound like a big braggy jerk because there’s a bigger purpose behind it. It’s also helpful to try to take the emotions out of it and just see your experiences and accomplishments and personality traits as facts to relay. You can ask yourself pre-interview what you’d want someone to know about you right off the bat that you’re going to be working with for the next 5 years…what would make you feel at ease and more comfortable if they knew it about you? That’s what you want to relay.

Nancy Ancowitz
Self-Promotion for Introverts®

As an introvert, thinking out loud is likely not one of your many strengths. So when someone asks you about yourself, your mind may go blank, and it can take awhile to think of a suitable reply. By that time, your new acquaintance may have gotten off the elevator—literally or figuratively. To perfect your pitch, think of yourself as a great product, say an iPhone. Jot down a list of assets that would appeal to different audiences—and pick those most relevant to the person you’re talking to. For help with the list, ask a few people who really “get” you.

Then practice out loud, preferably with one of those people, and videotape it on your smartphone. As difficult as it might be, watch the video, and tweak your pitch. Finally, use every time you meet someone new—at checkout lines, airports, parties—as an opportunity to practice. Always make your answer to “Tell me about yourself” succinct, engaging, and as relevant as possible to your conversation partners. Be authentic and targeted, and you’ll never sound canned. My basic elevator pitch: As a business communication coach, I help clients write, speak, and promote themselves with increased confidence.

Delmar Johnson
HR Brain For Hire

Tell me about yourself is definitely one of those interview questions where so many candidates get stuck on, yet they don’t have to be. When responding to this request, a candidate should focus on both their professional and personal values. Look at it from a 80/20 rule of thumb: 80% of what is shared highlights specifically the professional traits that are relatable to the position for which you’re applying, and the other 20% focuses on personal experiences and accomplishments of which you’re the most proud. Here’s an example:

“I’m an experienced PR and marketing specialist with extensive knowledge of communication tools and techniques. I’ve developed comprehensive public relations and marketing plans for major corporations, written dozens of articles accepted by worldwide publications, and created educational workshops for adults and students. I am always eager to learn new methods and procedures, and have implemented continuous improvement techniques in my past positions that saved money and increased productivity. I like working with people and enjoy group projects, but am also a self-starter who is comfortable working on my own. I’m a volunteer with the local chapter of the Boys and Girls Club and enjoy participating in community events. My goals are to complete my Master’s Degree and broaden my experiences with community relations.”

Ruth Dow Rogers
Ruth Dow Rogers Consulting & Coaching

Regardless of whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, my advice as a career counselor and coach is to compose your answer ahead of time, carefully choosing things you share about yourself that directly relate to the job description. Empathize with the employer, sharing only what you think will help them understand why you are a great match for the position. Be strategic about what and how much you share. They want to see how you handle yourself and if you understand what they want in a candidate.

Drew W. Straub
Straub Organization

You can start by legitimately asking them a question, “What have you heard?”, “Where did you hear about me or my company?”, “What about my services or me made you reach out in the first place?”. Obviously, depending on tone, these question rebuttals could be taken as sarcastic, but getting an answer can help you form your actual response to their initial inquiry.

Secondly, if their impression of you and your abilities is not accurate, for better or worse, it gives you a chance to correct that image. If your skill set is all about providing assistance with “A”, and their interest in you is based on an image that they feel you can do “B”, then it has to be cleared up.

If, however, the atmosphere is not conducive for such an exchange and you have to answer them directly, then fall back on reinforcing the experience they have already had with you. “As you can tell by my timely responses I pride myself on keeping lines of communication open and clear…”, or “As you can see by my appearance I tend to be a (fill in the blank)”.

However, if you are like most of us introverts, you can always say “I tend to be quiet, reserved, and my strength lies in my ability to provide thoughtful analysis and discernment in decision making.” The key is consistency from first interaction through to the point you are asked the question.

Cate Johnson Brubaker
Small Planet Studio

Introverts often see deep connections between lots of things, and that can make it difficult to know where to even begin with the “tell me about yourself” question. At this early point in the game, the goal is to simply give someone a taste of who you are, not tell your life story. A colleague described it to me once as figuring out the “bait” that will “hook” the listener so they want to ask you follow-up questions. Think about the things you’ve done, what you’ve learned, what you’re curious about, your biggest challenges, and what you’re itching to do. This is your bait. Then, brainstorm ways you can present your bait so that the listener’s curiosity is piqued, and they can’t help but ask you questions. This is helpful because the listener’s questions will give you clues about their values, interests, and priorities, which can help you stay on track and communicate more effectively. So, what’s your bait?

What do you think? How do you approach the “Tell me about yourself” question? Please share in the comments!

Comments

Silver Routsong says

Wow, this is GREAT advice! I have an interview tomorrow and I worked all day today on my “tell me about yourself” answer…I learned some great things to add to my answer here. Thanks!

@Silver Routsong Hooray! I love it when timing works out. Best wishes for a successful interview, Silver! 🙂

Cate Johnson Brubaker says

Lots of great advise! Thanks for including me. 🙂

@Cate Johnson Brubaker Thanks for being included! I appreciated how you framed it as an opportunity to stimulate more conversation, rather than the answer being an end in itself.

Career Coach says

Thanks for including me! I loved reading everyone’s answers.

Career Coach Me, too! I love that you reminded us of the perspective of the person asking the question.

I’m so glad you posed this question and got so many helpful responses. It is such a hard question because you don’t know where to start. But, I agree that your answer needs to be practiced and speak to the job, client or situation. I also think it’s OK to add in a little personal information at the end such as “…and when I’m not helping people cultivate executive presence I love bike touring with my husband on our tandem.” It just makes you a real person.
Thanks for a great post Beth.

ArdenClise Thanks for commenting, Arden. That personal touch is probably what separates one candidate from another, especially if you’re one of many people in the process. Great point!

Allison Brooks says

Allison Brooks One of the Circles of Hell indeed! As you point out, this situation comes up a lot. I hope the info gave you some ideas for the next time you’re in the Circle 😉

Everyone’s advice here is great, but Matt’s especially resonated with me because it’s something I hadn’t considered. I like his structured, concise approach and his suggestion to turn it back to the interviewer at the end, which can transform this somewhat disconcerting question (for me anyway) into a conversation.

Great article!
I have had an interview last week and recruiter asked me the same question but i was actually confused in what to answer exactly as it was my first interview. After reading your article, now i understood how to answer this question properly and also knew what is the intention behind asking this question by recruiter. Thanks a lot for sharing!