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Ways to Improve Communication

Better Communication Skills in Your Friendships

A lack of communication is one of the biggest reasons friends fight and even sometimes end their friendship. Things that aren’t a big deal initially get made into a big problem simply because one person didn’t properly communicate to someone else.

Listen

By far, a lack of listening skills is the biggest problem in communication. It is the cause behind:

Learn how to actively listen, where you fully understand what your friend is saying. In addition, it will help your friend feel that they are being heard.

Identify Times When the Message Gets Lost

Are there certain times when you and a friend usually misunderstand each other? Did you make plans over Facebook that got messed up? Or text a friend that you were going to meet them somewhere but they never showed? Or perhaps your friend got angry with you because they thought you were making fun of them in an email, when in fact you were trying to be sympathetic.

If there are certain situations that continually cause problems between you and your friend, change the way you communicate. We can get all too used to using email or Facebook, for example, instead of just picking up the phone and leaving a message. If the method of communication you’re using isn’t working, go with a different one. You might have to go outside your comfort zone in order to accomplish this.

Know What You’re Going to Say

If you’re the type that starts a story and doesn’t know how it ends, you might be doing the same thing in daily communications with friends. Maybe you think about something you want to tell them, but your mind wanders and you end up talking about a bunch of other things instead. This is okay if it works for your friendship, but if you’re having a lot of misunderstandings, it’s time to use the mental edit button.

How to know if you’re rambling on too much? Look out for situations like these:

Learn to Be Assertive

Many people think being assertive means walking all over people, but in fact it actually means that you confidently talk to others when you have something to say. This means that instead of waiting to let an issue build, you address it right away. Or that you confidently state your opinion, even though you know your friend disagrees. You do it with respect and don’t argue, but you don’t let someone else dominate the conversation either.

Being assertive means that when friends overstep their boundaries, you lovingly correct them. This helps keep arguments to a minimum and allows you to avoid those negative feelings that can build in a friendship over time.

Bring Up Your Points When the Time Is Right

Very often it’s not what you say, it’s when and how you say it. Certain conversations just work better when the time is right.

Avoid times like this:

It can be difficult when you’re angry with a friend, for example, and you just want to get the discussion over with because you know it will be unpleasant. But the adult thing to do is wait until you have the time to talk things through properly. Without that, you’ll end up causing a bigger problem in your friendship.

Make Sure You’re Calm

If you’re angry, you will undoubtedly say things you don’t mean. There are some things that, once you say them, you simply can’t take them back. Instead, wait until you’ve calmed down, even if it means a day or two later.

If your friend wants to talk and you’re still upset, tell them:

«I do want to talk about this with you, but I’m really upset right now and want to wait until I can clear my head. I think it will be better for our friendship if I give myself a day to think about this.»

Ask Your Friend How You Can Both Communicate Better

If you find that you and a friend have frequent communication problems, don’t accuse them of doing anything wrong. The problem may be on your end. What’s more, different sets of friends communicate differently, so what works for one friend may not work for another.

Instead, ask your friend for ideas on how you two can communicate more effectively. Say something like:

«I notice we’ve had a couple misunderstandings lately when it comes to meeting up after work. How can we fix this? Do you want me to call you before I leave? Send you an email?»

«I wrote on your Facebook wall about the party, but I guess you didn’t see it. I use Facebook a lot myself, but if you don’t that’s okay. Let me know what’s the best way to contact you so I don’t leave you out next time.»

«I know you’ve been sending me texts during the day, but I really can’t get to them. Can you call me instead? I can talk to you more easily that way.»

Work Toward a Goal of Bettering Your Friendship

Make sure all your communication has a point to it: to improve your friendship. If you’re saying or doing things that don’t benefit the friendship, perhaps it’s a good idea just to leave them alone. Ultimately, you want your friendship to be a safe place, where you both feel at ease saying what you have to say without worrying about being judged or misunderstood.

[Intro Question] Family – Friends

29. Family

1. How often do you meet with your family?

I stay with my family. I meet my family members every day.

2. How do you spend the time with your family?

I spend time with family in many ways. We eat together, cook together, watch TV together and do many things together.

4. Do you want to live with your family in the future?

Yes, definitely. My family is my life Even though I go to some foreign country temporarily, I finally want to be with my family.

4. Are you close to all of your family members?

Yes, we are a very close­knit family.

5. How has your family influenced you?

My family has influenced me in many ways. We depend on each other for many things. We guide each other from time to time and we do many things together.

30. Friends

1. Do you have many friends?

Yes, I have many friends, but only a few close friends.

2. How often do you talk to your friends?

I talk to my friends every day. By best friend is also my neighbour. We are together most of the time.

3. How do you communicate with your friends?

I communicate face­to­face and also through cell phone and apps like Whatsapp.

4. What do you think makes people have a long friendship?

Mutual understanding makes people have a long friendship. If people can tolerate each other’s shortcomings and be simple and straight forward, then friendships can be for a long time.

5. Does it make things easier in a friendship if you have similar interests?

Yes, definitely. With similar interests friends can spend time together and not get bored. They will also have similar topics for discussion. In a lasting friendship it is very essential that your likes and dislikes are similar.

6. How do people make friends now?

Now a days, people make friends through internet by joining social networking sites like face book, twitter and whatsapp.

7. Do you think we meet new people differently now than in the past?

Yes, definitely. Nowadays, we meet new people through internet by joining social networking sites like face book, twitter and whatsapp. Earlier, people had lots of free time and they made friends by meeting personally.

8. Is friendship (= are friends) important to you? (Why?/Why not?)

Yes, friends are very important for me. I can share all my feelings with them, and they understand me very well because they are mostly my age.

9. Do you prefer to spend time with friends or spend time alone? (Why?)

I prefer to spend time with my friends. I love their company and I enjoy with them.

10. What kind of people do you like to have as friends?

I like my friends to be honest, trustworthy, helpful and intelligent. I also like friends with a good sense of humor.

11. Do you like to spend time with friends? (Why?)

Yes, I like to spend time with friends because I enjoy their company. I like to go out with them for movies, for shopping and for walks.

12. What do you and your friends do together?

We study together, go for walks together, watch movies together and sometimes eat out together.

13. What do your friends think of you?

(Do your friends think that you are a good friend?

Why?) I think my friends like me. We spend a lot of time together and they never seem bored. I am honest and straightforward with them. So I think they like me.

14. Are friends more important than family? (Why?)

Friends and family both are important. But, I think Family is definitely more important than friends. Friends can turn out to be fair­weather friends but family is always with you in your good times and bad times. It has been rightly said that in prosperity your friends know you, but in adversity you know your friends.

15. How do make friends? (= where, in what situations, e.g. at school & at work.)

We make friends in schools, colleges, while travelling, during family get­togethers, during outings and in many other ways. Now a days making online friends has also become very popular.

16. Do adults and children make friends in the same way?

Adults and children do not make friends and the same way. Children are very innocent and make friends from the heart. They don’t judge a person before making friends. Adults, on the other hand, are very calculative. They make friends after judging whether that person could be helpful to them or not

Making Good Friends

Looking to build new friendships? These tips can help you meet people, start a conversation, and cultivate healthy connections that will improve your life and well-being.

Why are friends so important?

Our society tends to place an emphasis on romantic relationships. We think that just finding that right person will make us happy and fulfilled. But research shows that friends are actually even more important to our psychological welfare. Friends bring more happiness into our lives than virtually anything else.

Friendships have a huge impact on your mental health and happiness. Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, and prevent loneliness and isolation. Developing close friendships can also have a powerful impact on your physical health. Lack of social connection may pose as much of a risk as smoking, drinking too much, or leading a sedentary lifestyle. Friends are even tied to longevity. One Swedish study found that, along with physical activity, maintaining a rich network of friends can add significant years to your life.

But close friendships don’t just happen. Many of us struggle to meet people and develop quality connections. Whatever your age or circumstances, though, it’s never too late to make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and greatly improve your social life, emotional health, and overall well-being.

The benefits of friendships

While developing and maintaining friendships takes time and effort, healthy friendships can:

Improve your mood. Spending time with happy and positive friends can elevate your mood and boost your outlook.

Help you to reach your goals. Whether you’re trying to get fit, give up smoking, or otherwise improve your life, encouragement from a friend can really boost your willpower and increase your chances of success.

Reduce your stress and depression. Having an active social life can bolster your immune system and help reduce isolation, a major contributing factor to depression.

Support you through tough times. Even if it’s just having someone to share your problems with, friends can help you cope with serious illness, the loss of a job or loved one, the breakup of a relationship, or any other challenges in life.

Support you as you age. As you age, retirement, illness, and the death of loved ones can often leave you isolated. Knowing there are people you can turn to for company and support can provide purpose as you age and serve as a buffer against depression, disability, hardship and loss.

Boost your self-worth. Friendship is a two-way street, and the “give” side of the give-and-take contributes to your own sense of self-worth. Being there for your friends makes you feel needed and adds purpose to your life.

Why online friends aren’t enough

Technology has shifted the definition of friendship in recent years. With the click of a button, we can add a friend or make a new connection. But having hundreds of online friends is not the same as having a close friend you can spend time with in person. Online friends can’t hug you when a crisis hits, visit you when you’re sick, or celebrate a happy occasion with you. Our most important and powerful connections happen when we’re face-to-face. So make it a priority to stay in touch in the real world, not just online.

What to look for in a friend

A friend is someone you trust and with whom you share a deep level of understanding and communication. A good friend will:

As friendship works both ways, a friend is also someone you feel comfortable supporting and accepting, and someone with whom you share a bond of trust and loyalty.

Focus on the way a friendship feels, not what it looks like

The most important quality in a friendship is the way the relationship makes you feel—not how it looks on paper, how alike you seem on the surface, or what others think. Ask yourself:

The bottom line: if the friendship feels good, it is good. But if a person tries to control you, criticizes you, abuses your generosity, or brings unwanted drama or negative influences into your life, it’s time to re-evaluate the friendship. A good friend does not require you to compromise your values, always agree with them, or disregard your own needs.

Tips for being more friendly and social (even if you’re shy)

If you are introverted or shy, it can feel uncomfortable to put yourself out there socially. But you don’t have to be naturally outgoing or the life of the party to make new friends.

Focus on others, not yourself. The key to connecting to other people is by showing interest in them. When you’re truly interested in someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, and opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll make far more friends by showing your interest rather than trying to get people interested in you. If you’re not genuinely curious about the other person, then stop trying to connect.

Pay attention. Switch off your smartphone, avoid other distractions, and make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Small efforts go a long way, such as remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.

Evaluating interest

Friendship takes two, so it’s important to evaluate whether the other person is looking for new friends.

If you can’t answer “yes” to these questions, the person may not be the best candidate for friendship now, even if they genuinely like you. There are many possible reasons why not, so don’t take it personally!

How to make new friends: Where to start

We tend to make friends with people we cross paths with regularly: people we go to school with, work with, or live close to. The more we see someone, the more likely a friendship is to develop. So, look at the places you frequent as you start your search for potential friends.

Another big factor in friendship is common interests. We tend to be drawn to people who are similar, with a shared hobby, cultural background, career path, or kids the same age. Think about activities you enjoy or the causes you care about. Where can you meet people who share the same interests?

Meeting new people

When looking to meet new people, try to open yourself up to new experiences. Not everything you try will lead to success but you can always learn from the experience and hopefully have some fun.

Volunteering can be a great way to help others while also meeting new people. Volunteering also gives you the opportunity to regularly practice and develop your social skills.

Take a class or join a club to meet people with common interests, such as a book group, dinner club, or sports team. Websites such as Meetup.com can help you find local groups (or start your own) and connect with others who share similar interests.

Connect with your alumni association. Many colleges have alumni associations that meet regularly. You already have the college experience in common; bringing up old times makes for an easy conversation starter. Some associations also sponsor community service events or workshops where you can meet more people.

Walk a dog. Dog owners often stop and chat while their dogs sniff or play with each other. If dog ownership isn’t right for you, volunteer to walk dogs from a shelter or a local rescue group.

Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals, or other community events where you can meet people with similar interests. Check with your library or local paper for events near you.

Behave like someone new to the area. Even if you’ve lived in the same place all your life, take the time to re-explore your neighborhood attractions. New arrivals to any town or city tend to visit these places first—and they’re often keen to meet new people and establish friendships, too.

Cheer on your team. Going to a bar alone can seem intimidating, but if you support a sports team, find out where other fans go to watch the games. You automatically have a shared interest—your team—which makes it natural to start up a conversation.

Take a moment to unplug

It’s difficult to meet new people in any social situation if you’re more interested in your phone than the people around you. Remove your headphones and put your smartphone away while you’re in the checkout line or waiting for a bus, for example. Making eye contact and exchanging small talk with strangers is great practice for making connections—and you never know where it may lead!

Turning acquaintances into friends

We all have acquaintances in our life—people we exchange small talk with as we go about our day or trade jokes or insights with online. While these relationships can fulfill you in their own right, with some effort, you can turn a casual acquaintance into a true friend.

The first step is to open up a little about yourself. Friendships are characterized by intimacy. True friends know about each other’s values, struggles, goals, and interests. So, try sharing something a little bit more personal than you would normally. You don’t have to reveal your most closely-held secret, just something a little more revealing than talking about the weather or something you watched on TV and see how the other person responds. Do they seem interested? Do they reciprocate by disclosing something about themselves?

Other tips for strengthening an acquaintance into a friend:

Invite a casual acquaintance out for a drink or to a movie. Lots of other people feel just as uncomfortable about reaching out and making new friends as you do. Be the one to break the ice. Take the first step and reach out to a neighbor or work colleague, for example—they will thank you later.

Carpool to work. Many companies offer carpool programs. If your employer doesn’t, simply ask a colleague if they’d like to share rides. Spending regular time together is a great way to get to know others better and offers the opportunity for uninterrupted and deeper conversation.

Track down old friends via social media. It’s easy to lose track of friends when you move or change jobs, for example. Make the effort to reconnect and then turn your “online” friends into “real-world” friends by meeting up for coffee instead of chatting on Facebook or Twitter.

Overcoming obstacles to making friends

Is something stopping you from building the friendships you’d like to have? Here are some common obstacles—and how you can overcome them.

If you’re too busy…

Developing and maintaining friendships takes time and effort, but even with a packed schedule, you can find ways to make the time for friends.

Put it on your calendar. Schedule time for your friends just as you would for errands. Make it automatic with a weekly or monthly standing appointment. Or simply make sure that you never leave a get-together without setting the next date.

Mix business and pleasure. Figure out a way to combine your socializing with activities that you have to do anyway. These could include going to the gym, getting a pedicure, or shopping. Errands create an opportunity to spend time together while still being productive.

Group it. If you truly don’t have time for multiple one-on-one sessions with friends, set up a group get-together. It’s a good way to introduce your friends to each other. Of course, you’ll need to consider if everyone’s compatible first.

If you’re afraid of rejection…

Making new friends means putting yourself out there, and that can be scary. It’s especially intimidating if you’re someone who’s been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond. But by working with the right therapist, you can explore ways to build trust in existing and future friendships.

Affordable Online Therapy

Get professional help from BetterHelp’s network of licensed therapists.

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For more general insecurities or a fear of rejection, it helps to evaluate your attitude. Do you feel as if any rejection will haunt you forever or prove that you’re unlikeable or destined to be friendless? These fears get in the way of making satisfying connections and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to be rejected, but there are healthy ways to handle it:

For better friendships, be a better friend yourself

Making a new friend is just the beginning of the journey. Friendships take time to form and even more time to deepen, so you need to nurture that new connection.

Be the friend that you would like to have. Treat your friend just as you want them to treat you. Be reliable, thoughtful, trustworthy, and willing to share yourself and your time.

Be a good listener. Be prepared to listen to and support friends just as you want them to listen to and support you.

Give your friend space. Don’t be too clingy or needy. Everyone needs space to be alone or spend time with other people as well.

Don’t set too many rules and expectations. Instead, allow your friendship to evolve naturally. You’re both unique individuals so your friendship probably won’t develop exactly as you expect.

Be forgiving. No one is perfect and every friend will make mistakes. No friendship develops smoothly so when there’s a bump in the road, try to find a way to overcome the problem and move on. It will often deepen the bond between you.

5 Secrets for Communicating With Your Teenager

By Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

As a therapist and the mother of three teenagers myself, I know firsthand that the more you push your kids, the more they get defensive and dig in their heels. They become reactive in the form of explosiveness or shutting down and ignoring you.

When they are not exploding, they are thinking the following: “My parents don’t have a clue, so what’s the point of trying to explain myself? I’ll just tune them out.”

Clamming up or exploding are both ways your teenagers attempt to manage their stress and defend themselves. In fact, these may be the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense—which of course only causes more conflict.

Here are 5 secrets that I’ve found to be really helpful for communicating with kids through the difficult adolescent years.

1. Start With Understanding, Even When You Don’t Understand

Here’s a simple secret that will help you in everything you do with your teen. No matter how hard it might be, try to start all interactions with your child with understanding, even if you don’t fully agree or even quite comprehend what they’re talking about.

Try to just focus on your job as a parent, it will help you be less emotional. When you feel frustrated, remember, don’t take it personally. Initially, your child won’t like you when you set boundaries. Tell yourself that this is simply a problem to solve and part of parenting business as usual.

3. Ask Honest Questions…Not Loaded Questions

Ask your teen for his ideas and be collaborative. Let him see that you believe in him and that you’re not mad at him for struggling in his life. When you let him see that you have faith in his abilities and he has the space to work things out on his own, you will begin to develop true confidence in him.

Don’t ask loaded questions that put your child on the defensive. Questions such as “Why can’t you get up on time? What’s wrong with you?” just lead to conflict, not solution. Instead, try opening a conversation with:

“Eli, do you have any ideas for how you might get up on time?”

If he says he doesn’t know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for him. Let your teen know that his problems are his to solve. Don’t step into his “box.” Give him the opportunity—yes, opportunity—to solve his own problems.

But, be sure to let him know that you are there to help him figure out solutions, to consult with him. Oh, and be sure to let him deal with the natural consequences of his behaviors. Owning the problem means owning the consequences.

Your ultimate goal is to help your child think for himself. Thinking for himself will, in turn, help him feel like he has some control over his world.

Listen openly to what he says and ask him to think critically about each choice. What will work and what will be problematic about each decision? What would be the natural consequences of each choice, and how would he feel about dealing with that?

4. Don’t “Need” Your Child’s Good Behavior

Don’t feel, or show, as if you need your teen’s cooperation, validation, or good behavior. As soon as you need something from your child so that you can feel better, you have put yourself in a vulnerable position because he does not have to give it to you.

When you need something and don’t get it, you will naturally try harder by controlling and manipulating more. And your teen will become more and more defiant or passively compliant—neither of which is good.

The truth is, you don’t need anyone else to prop you up. You can validate yourself and solve your own problems. So if your child is acting out, that’s his problem. Your problem is to decide how you will choose to behave toward him. That’s in your hands, not his.

Ask yourself, “How do I want to act, no matter how he is acting? What can I put up with and what can’t I?” Take back your power and say to yourself, “If my child is screaming at me, instead of needing him to stop, I can turn around and walk away and not engage.”

Let your child know you won’t talk with him until he can approach you with civility. Here’s the truth: when you aren’t trying to get your child to change or shape up, you will be able to think of better choices for yourself. And your child will be less defiant because he will have no one to resist. When you’re not trying to control him and you’re not reacting to him, he will have to wrestle with himself rather than with you.

5. Don’t Do Anything Until You’re Both Calm

Another rule of thumb is to avoid doing anything until you and your child have both calmed down. The fact is, you don’t have to respond to your child when you are upset or when your child is upset and in your face. You can say nothing. You can take a few minutes or more if you need to.

When emotions have evened out, you can sit down and talk with him. It’s never good to try to bring up a difficult subject or resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. So if either you or your child is upset, pause and come back when you can address things in a calmer way.

If you attempt a conversation with your child and he’s rude or out of line, that’s when you have to hold on to yourself and make sure you don’t get dragged into a fight. If your relationship with your child currently is such that it’s impossible to have an open, respectful conversation, remember that it’s still your job to stay firmly planted.

Have a slogan that you say to yourself like, “I’m not going there no matter what.” If you can do that consistently, over time the baiting and antagonism should calm down. This is called self-talk and it really works.

And don’t feel badly if you get pulled back into a fight occasionally—staying strong isn’t easy. The good news is that the more you refuse to engage, the easier it will get to stay calm.

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. Many parents feel guilt over things they have or haven’t done as parents. It can be easy to second guess choices you’ve made while raising your children and wonder if this is what has caused your child’s struggles. I am sure you have done the best you could as a parent. We have a great article that gives tips for how to let go of this parenting guilt: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/am-i-a-bad-parent-how-to-let-go-of-parenting-guilt/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.

One thing I’ve found helpful is to have a conversation with my son as though I’m a consultant. The way I do this is to ask what he wants and why, then outline clear expectations on how to get there.

My son and I have used a lot of the lessons at a site called preparemykid.com to look at different topics without me having to lecture him.

My 16 year old daughter has become very disrespectful and started doing things a 16 year old girl should not be doing. Up until about 6 months ago my daughter was happy would talk to me about certain things but not all things. I have always been the kind of mother who kept a good amount of control on my daughter due to the world she is growing up in. She got into trouble at school for taking a pic of another girl in a bathroom selfie and the school put her in ISD for 2 weeks since that is not permitted in the school. I never voiced my opinion of this to her but I did feel it was a bit ridiculous. She has started staying in her room allot after that and has become more mouthy. I found out Monday that she has adult relations with a boy Saturday night after I went to bed she snuck out of my house to do stuff that she had no business doing.

I am at a loss as to how to fix this before it gets to bad. She will not talk to me about personal stuff anymore and avoids me at all cost. I did freak out a bunch when I found out about the boy and I did scream at her and now she is mad at me for punishing her for her making a huge mistake. The bad part is I am getting over the Adult relations part I am more upset with the fact that she invited a 18yr old boy to my house and snuck out to do something that she knew I would not approve of.

I talk with a lot of parents, and they tell me their kids talk back to them and disrespect them. I’ve seen it too. I’m not sure why, but a lot of kids don’t have the respect for adults like they did when I was growing up.

I also think kids don’t learn communication skills like how to talk to someone if you’re upset or having a bad day, or how to have an adult conversation if you disagree with someone or don’t understand them.

I’ve worked with a lot of kids, and they mean well, but many of them just don’t know how to express themselves or their feelings and emotions. The interesting thing is that they only need a small push in the right direction to do well.

Hi there, I want suggest what can be the first question you ask that will show your deep concern, and show him that you are on «his» side:

«Son, I just received an email from your Teacher about your failing grade, and I want to know HOW I CAN SUPPORT YOU so you can quickly get back on-track before we would have to take more serious measures of restricting your social life, or other restrictions that NEITHER of us will be happy with?»

In a question like that, you have:

1. Let him know you care

2. Let him know you are willing to help him in any way

3. Given him an opportunity to take charge of HIS issue and be responsible

4. Essentially, and «nicely» given him due-warning BEFORE he gets grounded, or restricted in some way

5. Let him know that you would get NO joy in restricting him so there is less chance he will get adversarial and oppositional towards you because you are ON HIS «TEAM»

I hope this helps in some way! Report back!

Thank you for your help

Single mom of 4

I have a 15 year old daughter and she is

going through some changes and she is down in the dumps most of the time. Her

friends that she use to have are changing for different reasons and she is

trying to make new friends. I really think if she would get involved with some

school activities it would help with the transition but she is a

little on the reserved side. I would love to advice to get her to meet some

It can be quite

difficult for both the parent and child when your teen’s social circle starts

to change. Supporting your daughter in making new friends, and helping her to

identify opportunities to do so is a great step. For some kids, getting

involved in after school activities can be one option. Other options might

include community-based activities, volunteering, or classes geared toward her

interests. Sara Bean outlines some additional steps you might take in her

article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-cool-kids-how-to-help-your-child-or-teen-deal-with-peer-pressure-exclusion-and-cliques/. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things

are going for you and your daughter. Take care.

It sounds like you are just starting out, trying to

establish new-to-your-daughter rules and limits in your home. This can be a

good opportunity to make a list of all the behaviors you have concerns about

and prioritize them, starting with the most serious ones first. Trying to

address all of her behaviors at once will likely leave everyone feeling

overwhelmed, and can cause inconsistency in follow-through. Empowering Parents

author Carole Banks has a good article to help you get started titled, “https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

Trying to explain your reasoning to a teenager will often fall on deaf ears, so

it will be best to establish a couple clear-cut rules or limits, problem solve

with her how she intends to follow those rules, and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-get-your-child-to-listen-9-secrets-to-giving-effective-consequences/ when she breaks them. You can also check out our many

articles on https://www.empoweringparents.com/?s=Stealing

and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/running-away-part-i-why-kids-do-it-and-how-to-stop-them/ for tools geared to those specific behaviors, and check back with us

if you have any more questions. Best of luck to your family.

Dealing with someone who doesn’t appear to want any

sort of interaction must be quite frustrating. As frustrating as it may be, try

not to give the behavior too much attention. Doing so could give it much more

power than it deserves. Instead, reach out to your child once then leave the

ball in his/her court, as James Lehman suggests in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/does-your-child-give-you-the-silent-treatment-6-rules-for-getting-kids-to-talk/.

away from parents as they progress through the developmental stage of

individuation. During this stage of development, kids tend to reach out to

friends and peers for support much more often than they do their parents. As

long as your child is following other household rules and expectations, I

wouldn’t put too much focus on trying to make him/her talk.

Lying is a tough behavior to deal with for a lot of parents.

It may be helpful to know that lying is more about your daughter’s lack of

problem solving skills than anything else. She wants to do something she knows

you won’t allow her to do, so, she solves the problem by doing it anyway and

then lying about it. It’s not OK, but, it is a common way teens try to avoid

consequences for their actions. We have several articles that give tips for

dealing with this frustrating behavior. Two in particular you may find helpful

you find those articles useful. Be sure to check back if you have any further

questions. Take care.

Ok, long way of saying. stick it out. She is worth it. A friend of mine, with 4 beautiful young adults who were little sticky hell goblins for much of their teens told me, «concentrate on the person he can be, and will be, not the person screaming like an escaped lunatic at you right now». I have, did, do, and now he is becoming that person. 🙂 Good luck. She will not thank you any time soon (if ever), but society will, for raising a decent kid.

Thank you for this encouraging article. I have a 20 year old son who lost his scholarship because he got himself into taking weeds with his friends. since I could not pay for his school fees, I had him moved to another college where he had some friends from high school but unfortunately, his behavior got worse whereby he and his friends used someone else credit card and other ungodly values. I have asked him to look for another college and move closer to home but he has consistently refused. how else can I handle this situation?

I can understand your concern. From what you have written,

your son has made some poor choices. It can be tough when your adult child

continues to make choices that you know are not in his best interest. Bear in

mind, your son is now an adult and can choose to live wherever he wishes. As

his parent, it’s up to you to determine what your limits and boundaries are in

relation to your son and his choices. So, in the situation you describe, you

might consider whether or not you will continue to support him, financially or

otherwise, if he continues to make the choices he is making. While

wanting to protect your child is a normal response, allowing him to face the

consequences of his choices is probably going to be more effective. Rescuing a

child rarely has the wished for outcome. Rather than offer him the opportunity

to make a fresh start, which is usually the intent, it may instead encourage

him to continue making bad choices because he has never had to experience the

natural consequences of his actions. It’s probably going to be more beneficial

to switch your focus to taking care of yourself, as Debbie Pincus discusses in

develop a self care plan, that includes things like spending time doing an

activity you enjoy or talking with friends. You might also consider looking

into more formal resources, like a support group or counselor. The transition

from childhood into adulthood can be a tough one for both kids and parents.

Finding ways of taking care of yourself can help make it less rocky. I

appreciate you writing in and hope you will continue to check back to let us

know how things are going. Take care.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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