How to deal with toxic people

Toxic people: 10 things they do and how to deal with them

Nothing ruins a perfectly good day faster than someone who is dripping with negativity and toxicity.

Toxic people are everywhere, and the worst part is, most of them don’t even realize they are the problem.

Most toxic people think that everyone else is the problem when it comes to negativity.

If you find yourself wondering whether or not someone is negative, consider these 10 warning signs that can help you identify if you are surrounded by toxic people.

It’s important to come face to face with these demons because you don’t need to be dealing with those kinds of people – you need to get the hell away from them as they can leave you emotionally drained.

Here are some signs of a toxic person and after that, we’ll go over 15 ways on how to deal with these difficult people.

1) They only pay attention to you when it serves them

Everyone has that one “friend” who only calls them when they need a favor. Or, perhaps it’s a family member that you feel obliged to help out.

Whatever they are to you, if they are only calling on you when they need something from you, they are a toxic person.

According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today, toxic people use other people to accomplish their goals:

“They use other people to accomplish whatever their goal happens to be. Forget what you want; this is not about equality in a relationship—far from it.”

Recognize it and start making plans to rid yourself of that relationship. Someone who only takes and never gives back is not someone you need in your life.

2) They hold grudges

Toxic people love to drum up drama, and one of the best ways to do that is to bring up something stupid you did in the past.

Maybe they are teasing you in front of friends, or maybe they are throwing it in your face in a mean way, and you are feeling bad about it all over again.

It’s like they have a Peter Pan syndrome and can’t let anything go.

According to a piece in Forbes by Travis Bradberry, toxic people might be afraid that people are going to do harm to them:

“Some people get so fixated on other people’s mistakes that it seems as if they believe they don’t make mistakes themselves. You’ll find that these people hold grudges, lack emotional intelligence, are constantly afraid that other people are going to do them harm, and may even begin nudging you out of important projects.”

If someone spends too much time drudging up the past and not working to get over themselves, you need to move on.

Holding a senseless grudge is a surefire way to push people away.

3) They make you feel stuck

Someone who suffers from a toxic attitude will do their very best to make you feel shitty about your life because as much as they put on a good show, they feel shitty about their life.

According to the book, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities, the author says that a trait of “high conflict personalities” is extreme negative behavior:

“HCPs frequently engage in extreme negative behavior. This might include shoving or hitting someone; spreading rumors and outright lies about them; trying to have obsessive contact with them… There are also some HCPs who use emotional manipulation to hurt others but can appear very emotionally in control while they do it… They often seem clueless about how their behavior has a devastating and exhausting emotional impact on others.”

They will bring out their best passive-aggressive nature and make it very clear that you can’t escape your job, or whatever situation you find yourself in.

Mostly, they are incapable of moving forward in their lives, and they need people to stay in that place with them.

If you do have toxic people in your life who make you feel shitty, you have to learn how to stand up for yourself.

Because you do have a choice in the matter.

One resource I highly recommend to help you stand up to toxic people is Ideapod’s extremely powerful free masterclass on love and intimacy.

In this 60-minute masterclass, world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you to identify toxic people in your life so that you can be empowered to make a change. Most importantly, he’ll also teach you a powerful framework which you can start applying today to truly free yourself from their negative energy.

Full disclosure: I have watched this 60-minute masterclass myself and found it a valuable way to improve relationships in my own life that were wearing me down.

Now, Rudá Iandê isn’t your typical shaman.

While he does spend time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, sing shamanic songs and bang his drums, he’s different in an important way. Rudá has made shamanism relevant for modern day society.

He communicates and interprets its teachings for people living regular lives. People like me and you.

Here’s a link to his free masterclass again. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached.

4) They crap on your hopes and dreams

You’ll know you are in the presence of negative and toxic people if every time you announce something, they crap all over it and tell you a million reasons why you can’t do the thing you want to do.

In fact, Jacqueline Newman, New York City-based divorce and matrimonial law attorney, says in Bustle that a sign of toxic behavior is if they insult you with disguised constructive comments:

“For instance, ‘You would look so much better if x, y, or z…Then, the comments graduate to making you the butt of a joke that is often followed up with ‘You know I’m kidding — don’t be so sensitive.’”

The comments become worse over time, to the point where you’re doubting yourself and your goals.

Whether you want to buy a new car or find a new job, look for new love or move to a new city, their negativity has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you, so just ignore it.

They’ll give it a good hook though, so watch out.

[To learn how to deal with selfish and toxic people, and build your own self-esteem, check out my new eBook: The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life]

5) They lie to you

Toxic people can’t help themselves when it comes to lying. It’s like they need to stoke the fires of drama and chaos in order to be happy.

According to Shannon Thomas, LCSW, in Greatist, “Toxic people are master manipulators, skilled liars, and great actors…They can be hiding everywhere.”

If someone isn’t fighting, they aren’t living. They’ll lie to people about you, for you, to you, and do the same in your circle of acquaintances in order to satisfy their own needs.

If you ever wondered what getting “thrown under a bus” felt like, stick with someone who is toxic, and you’ll find out soon enough.

6) You feel negative when you are around them

Toxic people are like crabs in a bucket. Have you ever seen crabs in a bucket?

They all try to escape at once and just end up pulling each other down. They don’t want to see any one of their kind succeed and so they grab hold, yank, and voila! Nobody gets out.

Wow, talk about a tough crowd.

According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today there tends to be a negative air around toxic people because they focus on problems, not solutions:

“Remember, they are supreme manipulators: Their tactics may include being vague and arbitrary, as well as diverting the focus of the discussion to how you’re discussing an issue—your tone, your words, etc. They focus on problems, not solutions.”

If you’ve got toxic people in your life, it probably feels a little like you are in a bucket full of crabs.

They don’t want to be helped, they won’t help themselves, yet they want everyone around them to feel just as shitty as they do about life, love, work, money, and happiness.

Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia, says that toxic people tend to be deeply wounded:

“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”

Basically, they want everyone to feel as terrible as they do. According to Brenner, this is because toxic people project their feelings onto you:

“Rather, their feelings are projected onto you. If you try to point this out to them, they will likely vehemently defend their perspective, and take no responsibility for almost anything they do.”

If you walk away from a negative conversation and find yourself wearing that feeling for some time, or making negative comments to others afterward, it’s a good indication that you’ve just spent time with a toxic person. They’re just so cold!

Toxic people have a way of permeating into our lives and making an impression that is not wanted but finds its way in any way. And it stays with us sometimes. Shake it off and go back to being you.

7) They want what you have

Toxic people cannot be happy for you no matter how much you have or accomplished in your life. So much so that they are willing to push you out of the way to get it.

“They believe they are better than other people, and usually, the variables that are self-enhanced are related to “power and status.”

As we’ve mentioned, toxic people tend to be very narcissistic. They’ll beg, borrow, and steal their way into that part of your life to get a piece of the pie, and then claim it all as their own.

Keep a close eye on them at work because if they hate your happiness, they’ll try to take it away.

8) They encourage you to feel sorry for them

The interesting thing about toxic people is that they require a lot of social interaction to maintain their toxicity. Afterall, you can’t be negative if you are all by yourself.

“Toxic people are draining and leave you emotionally wiped out” according to Shannon Thomas, LCSW, in Greatist.“They want you to feel sorry for them and responsible for all their problems—and then fix these problems too.”

They’ll try to get you to agree with their toxic assessments of a situation or a person, and then they’ll tell everyone what you said. Steer clear of them. They are bad news.

9) They expect you to be someone you are not

Negative people will hate you no matter what you do or act like so you might as well just be yourself.

They’ll want you to be everything or everyone else, and nothing will be good enough because they think that their perfect when they are actually far from it. Just ignore their comments trying to bring you down. They’ll find rock bottom soon enough.

This may be because narcissists have a high need for perfectionism, says Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT in Mind Body Green:

“Narcissists have an extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it.”

10) They won’t hesitate to manipulate you at all costs

When it comes to toxic people, there’s no such thing as kindness or integrity.

If they want something from you, they’ll do anything they can to get it.

“Manipulative people are really not interested in you except as a vehicle to allow them to gain control so that you become an unwilling participant in their plans.”

If you’re in their way, they won’t care about your emotions or your needs. They’ll say what they need, makeup lies and compliment you so you’ll act in service of them.

Now that we’ve spoken about how to spot a toxic person, let’s go over 8 ways to deal with them.

(To learn how to hold your own and avoid being manipulated by a toxic person, check out Hack Spirit’s eBook on the art of taking responsibility for your life here)

How to deal with toxic people: 15 things to do

27a14/w:1000/h:666/q:mauto/f:avif/https://hackspirit.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/shutterstock_531539140.jpg» /> Image credit: Shutterstock – By Roman Kosolapov

Whether it’s an old friend who’s turned sour, a competitive co-worker or a family member that just won’t go away, toxic people can be tough to deal with.

Should you fight fire with fire? Or should you simply accept them the way they are? These are difficult questions that aren’t easy to answer.

Here are 15 strategies for dealing with toxic people:

1) Get angry

Here’s a piece of counter-intuitive advice if you want to break free from toxic people: get angry about it.

I think getting angry can be an excellent catalyst for making real change in your life. Including moving on from toxic people.

Before I explain why, I have a question for you:

How do you deal with your anger?

If you’re like most people, then you suppress it. You focus on having good feelings and thinking positive thoughts.

That’s understandable. We’ve been taught our whole lives to look on the bright side. That the key to happiness is simply to hide your anger and visualize a better future.

Even today, positive thinking is what most mainstream personal development “gurus” preach.

But what if I told you that everything you’ve been taught about anger is wrong? That anger — properly harnessed — could be your secret weapon in a productive and meaningful life?

Shaman Rudá Iandê has totally changed how I view my own anger. He taught me a new framework for turning my anger into my greatest personal power.

I recently took this masterclass myself where I discovered:

Taking charge of my anger and making it a productive force has been a game changer in my own life.

Rudá Iandê taught me that being angry isn’t about blaming others or becoming a victim. It’s about using the energy of anger to build constructive solutions to your problems and making positive changes to your own life.

2) Recognize the traits that make you easy prey

To begin with, you need to figure out why they’re targeting you.

According to Peg Streep in Psychology Today:

“Use cool processing to think about the interactions you’ve had with the person that make you unhappy—focusing on why you felt as you did, not what you felt—and see if you can discern a pattern.”

Do you have a need to please or do you fear to cause even the slightest conflict?

Take a step back and consider the interactions you have had by focusing on what you did, but not what you felt – and see if you can find a pattern.

Once you find a pattern, you can be more aware of what behaviors cause that person to take advantage of you.

Keep in mind that assessing what traits cause mistreatment of you doesn’t mean that you are to blame. They are still to blame, but this will help you avoid them targetting you in the future.

3) Accept that it might take some time to get rid of them

For some, getting rid of a toxic person is going to take some time.

This is especially true if the toxic person is close to you, lives in your home, or is in some way in charge of your financial situation, for example, a toxic boss.

However, if you already know that they’re a toxic person, this may help you protect yourself.

According to Elizabeth Scott, MS in Very Well Mind:

“Knowing that you may be dealing with someone who could hurt you and having some concern for yourself in this situation can help you to protect yourself from the pain that a malignant narcissist can cause, at least to an extent.”

You might need to map out how you are going to begin the process and what you hope to achieve by removing them from your life.

This is also a crucial step because you’ll need to look at your own toxicity and determine if you are projecting onto another person.

Be honest about where you are and why this is a problem for you and you’ll be in a better place to start removing them from your life.

4) Explore your reactivity

Again, without taking the blame for the dynamic, you should look at how your overreacting and under-reacting in the relationship.

For example, if you’re dealing with a bully, continually under-reacting gives them permission to keep on bullying you.

Also, people who are easily anxious tend to over-react when a relationship is going south, which only gives narcissists more power to keep on playing with you.

“The closer we get to a toxic individual—the more they know about us, the more emotionally attached we grow to them, the more we let them into our lives—the more damage they can do to us. They simply have more information with which to manipulate or violate.”

Try to not emotionally react to them. Toxic people aren’t worthy of that, anyway.

Be clear, concise, forthright, logical and don’t attach yourself to anything they say.

(To learn how to be mentally tough in the face of toxic people, check out my eBook on the art of resilience here)

5) Trust your gut

Some people stay in a hurtful relationship because they don’t trust themselves or their judgment.

You tend to rationalize their toxic behavior or give the person the benefit of the doubt.

But there comes a time when enough is enough. If they’re affecting you emotionally and making your life worse, it’s time to take a stand.

“While our gut is often right, there are times when it is not…There is an old saying that goes like this: ‘Follow your heart.’ I would add the following: “Follow your heart AND bring your brain along with you to help you exercise some reason.”

If you find yourself continually making excuses for someone, stop and ask your gut while bringing along your brain with you.

Life is a precious gift. Don’t let other toxic people ruin it for you.

6) The word “no” is your new best friend

Chances are that the toxic person in your life didn’t push their way into your life without your permission.

Chances are that slowly, and little by little, they made way into your life and broke down your boundaries and are not going full throttle through your life and making it miserable.

This is why you need to be assertive and direct. Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. in Psych Central offers some great advice on how to be more assertive when talking to a toxic person:

“Tell the person how you feel in an assertive way. Use “I” statements. For example: “When you act/do/say _____, I feel _____. What I need is _______. The reason that I am sharing my feelings and needs with you is_______ (because I love you, I want to build a healthy relationship with you etc.).”

It’s possible that you find it difficult to tell them no. Perhaps they are fragile and you see that, or you see that they don’t have anyone else and you feel bad for the situation they are in.

Stop it right now.

The easiest way to cut a toxic person from your life is to learn to direct and to use the word, “no” whenever and wherever possible. Keep them at arm’s length by not letting them into your realm.

7) Beware of the sunk cost fallacy

What’s keeping you in this relationship?

According to Peg Streep in Psychology Today:

“As the work of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Twersky shows, humans are famously loss-averse, and prefer to hold onto what they have in the short term—even if giving up a little will get them more in the long run.”

Also, humans prefer the known to the unknown. Keep this in mind and realize that short term loss may actually lead to long term gain.

8) Recognize the power of intermittent reinforcement

Despite what you may have thought, humans are overly optimistic. We tend to see a close loss as a “near win”. This is what keeps people on slot machines.

Evolution explains this.

In our hunter-gatherer days, when the challenges of life were mostly physical, staying encouraged enough to keep going and turn the near win into a real one was a good thing.

Roberta Satow Ph.D. explains how we can be on the wrong side of intermittent reinforcement:

“Many of us have been on the wrong side of intermittent reinforcement–hungering for the crumbs that we sometimes get and sometimes don’t–hoping that this time we will get it.”

So in toxic relationships, we’re motivated to hang in there, even though we only get what we want some of the time.

“Now and again” does not make a pattern and you need to keep that in mind.

In fact, narcissists are very skilled at what is called “love bombing“. According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction…designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”

Look at your life over the course of a month and ask yourself if they are actually adding to it.

If they’re not, then you need to consider ways you can see them less, or if you have to, not see them at all.

9) Ignore their social media

Whatever you do, don’t torture yourself on social media following their every move. Toxic people love to take to the internet to let the rest of the world know how much things suck or how right they are about things.

As Amanda McKelvey points out in MSN, you have to be willing to make the first move to improve your social media atmosphere:

“Social media doesn’t have to be the toxic place everyone says it is, but you have to be willing to make the first move to make it that way.”

It’s a tough spot to be in because chances are that the toxic person is going to constantly ask you, “did you see my post!?” and they’ll want an answer.

A quick, “Sorry, I was too busy” is all you need to respond.

If you want to take things to the next level, you can be very clear about why you don’t follow them on social media and feel out the conversation to see if they are willing to make amends.

10) Don’t waste your time trying to tell you otherwise

Here’s the thing about toxic people: they don’t want your help. They don’t want to learn more, do better, be different.

They want everyone around them to just put up with their ways and make accommodation for them.

It’s an impossible situation and you can bet that it’s one that you cannot improve.

Trying to fix them won’t be successful anyway, according to Elizabeth Scott, MS in Very Well Mind:

“Do not try to change them and don’t expect them to change or you will be disappointed.”

These people, however smart and cunning they may be, are just negative and looking for trouble.

They don’t see how they are hurting others and they’ll continue to do it because in some sick way, it makes them feel good.

Or at least, doesn’t make them feel any worse about themselves.

11) Create distance (if you can)

Whenever possible, distance yourself from them. If they are at work, eat lunch at a different time or in a different space.

In fact, a great strategy to adopt is the “grey rock technique”.

In a nutshell, the Gray Rock Method promotes blending in.

If you look around at the ground, you don’t typically see the individual rocks as they are: you see the dirt, rocks, and grass as a collective.

When we are faced with narcissists and toxic people, they tend to see everything.

The Gray Rock Method gives you the option of blending in so that you no longer serve as a target for that person.

Live Strong says that the Gray Rock Method involves remaining emotionally unresponsive:

“It’s a matter of making yourself as boring, nonreactive and unremarkable as possible — like a gray rock…More importantly, remain as emotionally unresponsive to their pokes and prods as you can possibly allow yourself.”

If you can’t cut them out of your life completely, try separating yourself from them as much as possible.

Don’t drastically change your life so that you can’t enjoy yourself at work anymore, but be wary of how you feel and what you take away from the conversations you have with this person.

It might be easier to just eat in your car a few days a week than try to put up with their bullshit one more day in the lunchroom.

If this person is living in your house, you will eventually have to sit down and have a serious conversation with them, but if the situation is temporary, just keep your distance, fill your calendar with things you want to be doing instead of listening to them whine about life, and wait it out.

12) Guard those boundaries or plan an exit strategy

If the toxic person is someone you can’t avoid, you need to set boundaries for the type of behaviour and contact you’re going to have.

You don’t need to be rude, but you need to be firm and decisive.

To a co-worker you might say, “I’m okay with criticism, but my being overweight has nothing to do with my performance.”

Ending the relationship may be difficult, says Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia, but it might be well worth it:

“Ultimately though, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life.”

13) Anticipate push-back retaliation

It’s likely that the toxic person is benefiting in some way from the way they’re acting to you.

Once you set boundaries, chances are they will redouble their efforts to keep manipulating to gain the upper hand.

Keep firm, strong and direct. Don’t let them emotionally manipulate them. Whatever they say shouldn’t carry any weight.

If you have established little contact, keep it that way.

In Mind Body Green, Annice Star, who was involved in a relationship with a narcissist, decided to see her partner again months after breaking up. Here’s why it was a bad idea:

“What did shock me, however, was how easily I flipped right back into scurrying around, fetching him this and that, tiptoeing, soft-pedaling, rationalizing, even lying … you name it, I did it. Within the first hour, I lost all the gains I thought I had secured over the months since our breakup.”

14) Don’t normalize abusive behaviour

This is important. If they’ve treated you poorly for a while, they’ll likely have rationalized their behavior, according to Peg Streep:

“They may have demeaned, marginalized, or dismissed you or other family members and then rationalized their behavior by saying, “They’re only words”; denying that they were ever said.”

The bottom line is that emotional or verbal abuse is never OK.

If you’re okay with it, or you react to it (which is what they’re looking for), then they’ll keep on doing it.

So don’t emotionally react, explain rationally why they’re wrong and get on with your day without being affected.

Once they know you’re a difficult target to get a reaction out of it, they’ll eventually give up.

15) Say goodbye

In some cases, you are going to have to bite the bullet and let the person go out of your life. That may be easier said than done because toxic people have a way of hanging around.

We’ve said it before, but toxic people can be very narcissistic, and that can be difficult to change.

According to licensed clinical psychologist Dianne Grande, Ph.D., a narcissist “will only change if it serves his or her purpose.”

But if you make yourself perfectly clear that you don’t want such toxicity in your life, they might just be so offended that they bugger off anyway and they’ll do the job of riding themselves from your life so you don’t have to.

So save yourself the trouble and prioritize your own happiness and sanity. In many cases, you might not have a choice, so when you do – get out, now.

It’s not going to be easy, but it will be rewarding.

Who knows, you might find it easy! It might feel good to tell someone that you don’t like their attitude and you deserve better in your life.

Whatever feels right to you, do that. But whatever you do, don’t continue to live in a shell because of this person’s way of making you feel small in your own life. It’s not worth it.

[To learn how to deal with selfish and toxic people, and build your own self-esteem, check out my new eBook: The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life]

You may also like reading:

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.

What is Toxic Behavior and How to Deal with Toxic People?

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At some point in our lives, we all come across someone who causes a lot of problems in our life. They may stir up trouble and be the reason behind some conflicts. These people are actually toxic individuals and the behavior they exhibit is called toxic behavior.

The toxic traits of a toxic person include unsupportive and unpleasant behavior, being manipulative, judgmental, controlling, and self-centered. Such people can be the cause of various negative feelings and emotions that you may be experiencing like depression, anxiousness, worthlessness, and unhappiness.

Most often than not, a toxic person can be your closest friend, someone you have known all your life, or someone who came into your life abruptly like a colleague or college friend and was suddenly very important to you. We tend to have blind spots for such people and we usually ignore their toxic behavior regardless of how bad and unpleasant they often make us feel. In this article, we’ll talk about how you can recognize the toxic behavior patterns exhibited by someone you are close to and what you can do to deal with such a person.

So Who is a Toxic Person Really?

To explain it in the most simple form, a toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and stress to your life. We often find ourselves asking this question “ why is this person behaving this way?” and “what exactly led this person to be so toxic?” And there is usually an answer to these questions. Many people who behave in a toxic manner have been through trauma themselves and instead of dealing with that trauma, these people start exhibiting toxic traits. These people usually don’t know how to process trauma and stress in a healthy manner so they end up being unpleasant around people.

Toxicity is not considered a mental disorder but some mental disorders can be the underlying cause of toxic behavior, like borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, or bipolar disorder. As Christian Baloga, an award-winning artist and author has said:

“ Pay no attention to toxic words. What people say is often a reflection of themselves, not you.”

Traits of Toxic People

Toxic people exhibit some specific toxic traits. Here are some toxic traits you should familiarize yourself with. It will help you recognize the toxic behavior patterns of people around you:

Dealing with Toxic People

Even after learning about the signs of a toxic person and the way they make you feel, you still might not know how to deal with them. Here are a few ways in which you can handle such people:

We are at times inclined towards being okay with the negative things a toxic person throws our way. We tend to stay quiet because we don’t want to have a difficult talk with someone or sometimes we just hate confrontation. But you should always speak up and stand up for yourself. Be blunt! If you feel someone is belittling you or toxic behavior patterns, call the person out. Let them know you don’t appreciate how they are behaving. If you call them out, they’ll know they can’t manipulate you and can’t take advantage of you.

If you can’t get rid of a toxic person, set stricter boundaries and make sure the toxic person never crosses those boundaries. Stay calm and communicate your boundaries. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated.

Besides being narcissistic or abusive, a person can display other behavior, which can also be toxic. An individual may desperately need your help to get out of a bad situation or might need you as emotional support to deal with a traumatic event. Whilst it’s okay to help a person like that, you need to make sure you don’t get emotionally drained out in the process. You might care about this particular person, but don’t offer support at the risk of your own well-being. You can offer help to someone but make sure you have enough emotional energy left to meet your own needs.

We are often very hesitant when it comes to saying no. It’s mostly not about self-esteem or confidence, some of us have this innate desire to go above and beyond for loved ones. For a toxic person, this can be an opportunity for exploitation.

For such people sticking to refusal can be hard because they might guilt trip you into doing what they want but you should stay firm and stand your ground. If you are not okay with something, bluntly say “no!!”.

It may be challenging at first, especially when the toxic person will throw a dramatic tantrum to try to get their way. But the more you practice saying “no” to things you aren’t comfortable with, the easier it becomes.

Toxic people are not just toxic towards others, their behavior is toxic for themselves as well and it soon catches up to them. And just like everyone, even toxic people and capable of change.

We might want to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on to the people we care about instead of avoiding them or writing them out of our lives, regardless of how toxic they are. You can offer compassion to such people but you need to keep in mind that you might not be able to change them completely.

If someone wants to change themselves they need to commit to it completely, you may offer support but don’t do it at the expense of your own emotional resources.

Toxic People in a Workplace

If you are someone who has been working in a corporate environment for a while, you must know the kind. These people are office bullies. Every workplace has at least a few of these negative, nagging, pestering, super-competitive, rude and mean-spirited people who threaten, shame, demean and raise their voices against their fellow co-workers. If you are someone who is dealing with a toxic person in the workplace you are not alone. According to a study 4 out 5 people currently work or have previously worked with a toxic colleague.

These individuals tend to create hindrances and obstacles to a productive and healthy work environment and their passive-aggressive attitude can annoy everyone, making the whole team grouchy and irritable. From distancing yourself to putting your foot down entirely, there are a few things you can do to alleviate the toxic behavior of a co-worker.

Frequently give yourself a power check. Know that no one can make you feel inferior until you, yourself inadvertently feel that way. Be aware of your potential and don’t seek out validations from such people. This will restrict toxic people from invading your headspace. You can even launch a counterstrike and completely avoid such people and just surround yourself with positive and uplifting people. Uplifting people are a great counterbalance to toxicity. Lastly, just mentally move past the toxicity and focus on flourishing your career.

Toxic People in a Relationship

There are both toxic men and toxic women out there and we may end up getting involved with these individuals in a romantic way which may end up being disastrous in the end.

Toxic relationships by definition mean any relationship in which toxic partners’ behavior is emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to the other partner. The most basic characteristics of toxic relationships are lack of trust, perpetual lying, and controlling behaviors.

Relationships require time, work, and effort and both parties should be willing to put in the work and make the effort. The most triggering warning signs of a toxic relationship are violence, abuse, and harassment in which case a person who abused should seek out help immediately. The subtle warning signs include persistent unhappiness and loneliness despite being with the other person.

Some toxic relationships can be mended given each partner is committed to trying. The relationship must become healthy and mutually beneficial for any potential to continue. But if it can’t be fixed, it’s best for individuals involved to walk away from the relationship.

How to get rid of a Toxic Person?

The best way to deal with a toxic person is to eliminate them from your life if possible. It’s okay to support someone who is going through a rough time but if you have someone in your life who constantly manipulates you, demeans you, and makes you feel bad about yourself, get rid of such people. But it can be difficult to do so especially if the toxic person in your life is someone you care about deeply. Here are a few steps for you to follow to eliminate that person from your life:

How to Stop Being a Toxic Person?

If you recognize that your behavior may be toxic and you are willing to work on yourself to be a better person and influence in someone else’s life, here are a few things you can do to stop being toxic:

Final Word

Toxic behavior may not be considered a big deal but it may be the result of some serious trauma or an underlying mental disorder. If you have someone in your life who you believe displays toxic traits or you, yourself, have recognized your toxic behavior patterns and are willing to do something about it, consult a physician. We have expert physicians on board who will help you get to the root cause of your problem so you can lead a positive and happy life.

7 Smart Ways to Deal with Toxic People

Written by Marc Chernoff // 248 Comments

Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and get them out of there.

Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s moodiness can be quite a challenge. It’s important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their moodiness and negativity, you may still need to protect yourself from their behavior at times).

But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her mood swings to intimidate and manipulate. It’s this aspect of moodiness that inflicts enduring abuse and misery. If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referential. Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs. This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.

I’m a firm believer that toxic mood swings (like chain letter emails) should not be inflicted on one person by another, under any circumstances. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity?

1. Move on without them.

If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”

When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. If the circumstances warrant it, leave these people behind and move on when you must. Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! Letting go of toxic people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.

A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. If you must keep a truly toxic person in your life for whatever reason, then consider the remaining points…

2. Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.

If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing. Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior. Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.

Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. If someone over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…

3. Speak up!

Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc. Do not accept this behavior. Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted. In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.

Some toxic people may use anger as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate, or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. If ever you dare to speak up and respond adversely to their moody behavior, they may be surprised, or even outraged, that you’ve trespassed onto their behavioral territory. But you must speak up anyway.

Not mentioning someone’s toxic behavior can become the principal reason for being sucked into their mind games. Challenging this kind of behavior upfront, on the other hand, will sometimes get them to realize the negative impact of their behavior. For instance, you might say:

Direct statements like these can be disarming if someone truly does use their moody attitude as a means of social manipulation, and these statements can also open a door of opportunity for you to try to help them if they are genuinely facing a serious problem.

Even if they say: “What do you mean?” and deny it, at least you’ve made them aware that their attitude has become a known issue to someone else, rather than just a personal tool they can use to manipulate others whenever they want. (Read Toxic People.)

And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…

4. Put your foot down.

Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it. It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.

Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me. The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.” Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness. The message is clear: There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.

Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them. If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.

5. Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.

It’s them, not you. KNOW this.

Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong. And because the “feeling guilty” button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this happen to you.

Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

6. Practice practical compassion.

Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.

Several years ago, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was a handful sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “crazy” and can’t help it, right?

One day I took Dennis to a local park to play catch. An hour into our little field trip, Dennis entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean Mr. Marc.”

The lesson here is that you can’t “help” someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not toxic to everyone around them. We can only act with genuine compassion when we set boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long-term. (Read Who’s Pulling Your Strings?)

7. Take time for yourself.

If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Again, understand that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.

You deserve this time away. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior. No problems to solve, boundaries to uphold, or personalities to please. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.

The floor is yours…

What are your experiences with toxic people? What have you done to cope with their behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

Comments

Thank you for an article aimed at real help in detecting those toxic people who come into our lives, and suck the life out of you, many times without much noise or notice until decades with them has passed,
It wasn’t until my husband of 35 years walked out suddenly of our marriage, without a clue that he wasn’t happy, and nothing was ever said. Once he was gone, and the tsunami or the emotional trauma had subsided, it was clear to me “the what and the who” I lived with for over 3 decades, and would never, ever, subject myself to that type of person again. I was awake and aware of just how much I gave up of myself, my personality, my true self, to someone who never respected, and didn’t love me either, only used me for his own benefit and gain throughout our entire lives together.
These people, the sociopathic narcissist, is like “a bitter onion, wrapped in rose petals, but what’s inside is not so pretty, and will make you cry”. These people look like everyone else, charming, smart, and achieving, yet, they are continually thinking up ways to delude, destroy, cut you down, and belittle those who don’t measure up to “their standards”. They are constantly thinking up new ways to outmaneuver those who get in their way of their goals, and will use others to get to their ultimate end result.

I didn’t know and cannot blame myself either, I was just trying to build and maintain a marital union with this toxic individual, more a sub-human. More importantly, I can now recognize more readily and quickly too,, the toxic people and rid myself of them and move on. What I have learned at age 58 years old, is you cannot change the past, cannot change these types of people, but can learn so much of yourself and begin a new day with hope for a better life without them.

I’ve just had this happen to me. He is leaving after 20 years and I don’t know how to begin. I don’t even know me anymore. I am overwhelmed.

In a few weeks I will be exposed to some toxic siblings at a family wedding. I thought I removed their toxic behaviors (5 years) but it is all creeping back as I prepare to “see” them again. Any pointers on what to say to them that will help me get through the event? I want to be kind as I have been the labeled crazy one! I need to rehearse this ASAP!

I have been thru something similar. But not as long? What have been your experiences?

I have just come across this post and would really like to know: how did it go, and what did you say?

This is a great post. Thank you, it’s very informative and I think it will help many people who are dealing with toxic people in their lives see their situation in a new light.

What if the toxic person is one of your parent? How do you escape then? Especially when you can’t move out…

I was there many years ago dealing with toxic parents and would of given anything to have read a post like this one. I do know that having mentors who gave me an example of how to be healthy and not toxic was what got me to where I am today even though I am always learning to improve. One day you will be living on your own and will be able to choose to put up the boundries that will keep you safe and live a happy life. Don’t forget to journal your emotions and dreams for your future.
Thank you Marc and Angel Hack Life for the amazing information available to me and others. My emotional lifesavers!

hi..just sharing. I was in such situation, and one day i decided i had enough, packed my bag, and went off. called my friend at midnight to stay over before i find another place to stay. took my parent 6 mths to talk to me again with many threats and angry remarks conveyed through my relatives. but it was less toxicating after that. i am able to hold a proper conversation after 6 mths too – it seems that because I am willing to draw a boundary and put my foot down – my words are now empowered as well. personally, i think separating from the toxic source is crucial for own well-being and for better handling the situation in future. I wish you all the best in getting out of the toxic situation soon.

I just confronted my toxic father and was met with the anger and lack of hearing and understanding that I feared. I am now struggling with whether or not to apologize but every time I go to think about what to say I can’t come up with anything because I don’t know how to say “I’m sorry” when I’m not sorry that I finally pointed out the destructive and dysfunctional behaviors that everyone else is acknowledging behind his back but not willing to confront. Am I suppose to say I’m sorry just to make it all better?

Icysurfer Mittenman says

The situation you cite is immensely destructive. We look up to the parent (especially if the history was not bad up to a certain point), as a godlike figure. This discord can cause horrible conflicts that affect self-worth issues, and many other central things. Also, often we have no means of defending ourselves due to size, hierarchy, and fear of even worse treatment. This teaches us to ‘play dead.’ We can keep a ‘victim mentality’ all our lives. PTSD is a very real consequence as well. 420 and Gluten-free diets can help with that. Just try it for a week.

I am struggling with all this, as well as the fact that the parent in question passed away less than a month ago. I actually feel liberated, and am now discovering some even more special things about myself than I knew before. But, I am damaged, and up to now, have done my best. Not bad, at all, but with positive encouragement, I would have perhaps already changed the world. Now, I begin in My fifties to truly explore my potential. It;’s all good. Cheers and LOVE/.!

The toxic person in my life is one of my children. I have decided to walk away. I don’t need him in my life. I have my stepson and my daughter and my daughter’s boyfriend who all love me, so I don’t need the toxicity that my son offers. I realized that I have all these other people so what the heck did I need a toxic adult child for? I don’t. I walked away. He’s insulted me for the last time and while I miss the child he was, he’s someone else now and I don’t even like him. Sometimes you have to walk away, whether it’s a parent or whether it’s a child.

Hello Portia — I’ve had to do the same with my son. Long story, won’t go into all the details now, I realized that no matter what I did or said, it wasn’t going to be good enough. He married a 30 something woman, going on 15, who manipulates him and he can’t see it. I pray for him daily, and that’s all I can do. But life does go on, and I choose to be a victor, not a victim. Peace and hope from Elva

There are times in life we need to find the strength just to endure. Remember that your real parent is God. Forgive your human parents and do your best not to internalize their judgements of you. Build yourself up with loving affirmations and forgive yourself. Resist the temptation to retaliate with anger. If you can get your hand on a copy of David Viscott’s “Finding Your Strength In Difficult Times,” that might help you, too.

What do you do if the toxic person is your husband? And you have two kids? I am trying to take some space to figure out what I need to do because I am not happy. He is not happy either. He seems to be someone who is never happy. I have been trying to be me this whole marriage but everything that is ME, he doesn’t like. And sometimes he throws it in my face. I trained horses when we met. We moved across the country to a place where I knew no one. And my identity was in the horses and training. It was sort of what enticed my move though part of it was financial (though looking back we could have stayed in California). But he was not supportive – not emotionally. He started out doing some things but for everything he did, I had to emotionally pay for it. And in the end, massive fights about loans he took out against the farm – for things not in my control at all. I felt terrorized – he constantly talked about divorce. And I was scared to death because we have two small kids and I have no career anymore since we moved away from California. Then my mother died and I felt more alone.

Right now I am trying to figure out how to make my own money so I don’t feel so afraid. I cant even decide what I feel about him because I am in so much fear. He seems to think I am having an affair or something – he does not think like I do. I told him I am trying to sort myself out on a spiritual level and he basically dismissed it. He said you have been going through this for 8 years – face it, you will never be happy. I did the Artists Way years ago so I started writing morning pages a week ago again – I get afraid he will read them – a lot of stuff comes out that isn’t really right or true completely – they are just the ramblings of a confused soul trying to sort it out. I already had been collecting quotes. So now I have 7 cards not 2 with them – I guess I will find 2 that resonate the most over time. One is May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears. I really need to replace the fear energy in my life with love energy. Your post was amazingly syncronisitic (I invented a new word I think but you can guess its meaning). God bless

First, figure out a way to make your own living, to regain your independence – find a babysitter, get a part-time job that will hopefully lead to a full-time position. Secretly save some money and when you have enough, think about moving back to California. Yes, he’ll try to fight you with the kids because that will be the only weapon he has. Contact Legal Aid. See what your options are. If you can and whenever you can, follow your bliss even if it means getting rid of him. You can do better. Good luck!

Narcissism….been there….if you wanna hear someone speak about it (and believe me, once you do, you’ll wake up from the pile of horse hockey a narcissist has piled on), check out this lady named Lisa A. Romano…she’s a “breakthrough life coach”…very earthy, well spoken…just a plain cool lady…she explains a LOT in a way that’s easy to understand…she has many videos on Youtube….God bless….

Kate Madey says

This article speaks to me! I was in a long-term relationship with a toxic person. It took quite a while for me to realize the toxicity. I mean a really long time! When I finally got to that point, I ended the relationship. Believe me it wasn’t easy; it was painful. But as some time passed (it’s now more than a year and a half) I realized how truly damaging he had been and – even though there are still some missing pieces in my life – I can think about him and that time without pain. As you say in number 5:

“Toxic people will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong.”
This was exactly what he did to me time and again… but now I have moved past all of that and my self worth has returned (almost) to where it belongs. Thank you!

Kate, I can relate to this. I had been in a relationship with this person for a year. We had dozens of problems and although they make me extremely happy they also make me extremely miserable. I have cried many times and belittled myself thinking that whatever i do i cannot make this person happy. I changed my life style, my attitude, and how i was in general for this person. Some things i learned in the relationship helped me. I did become more patient and compassionate. But at what price? I cant tell if its a good thing or if it is sad at the fact that i sacrificed many things for this person and only earn small rewards. When we are not fighting i feel ontop of the world but unfortunately it never lasts long before i do something wrong and he guilts me, cuts off communication with me, hurts my feelings or tries to control what i do and justifies it by guilting me with how i messed up. I hate how ive been told im not good enough, i hate how ive been told that there isnt a future between us and there never will be, i hate how ive been told im loved and cared for and then told that they want to break up or go on a break. If you truly love someone and care about them wouldnt you try to figure out your problems? Wouldnt you want to make them happy and not hurt them? Why would you want to dismantle their whole self worth just to make yourself feel better? I feel sad for this. At the moment we are on a break and im frustrated as hell. I feel like this person is toxic for me, maybe we just dont mesh well. But when your in love it makes it hard to walk away. You always think you can change the person and help them but you cant unless they want to change. I love them and have made it clear to them when they hurt me. They apologize and genuinely seem upset but then later do it again. I dont know what to do honestly. I love them very much and care about them greatly. I dont want to end things with them but i dont know what to do with this behaviour and treatment from them. If you or anyone has any advice it would help! I loved reading this article. I have followed some of these steps in the past but nothing helps. Ive tried letting them go aswell but we had gotten back together when we felt miserable without one another. I feel lost on it all. Ive been told i need to let them go, and it seems like latley we are more miserable together then anything. We have long distance between us aswell so i know that adds more stress. I always believe in working on your problems with someone, but for how long do you do it for? Until both people are tired, eventually give up and let all the memories they had become sad reminders of something they had once but feel they never tried enough to keep it? Im always worried that if i let go that i will always feel like i didnt do enough. I feel like this even now. I think of the memories that we have had and i think of how wonderful it all was, i always hope that we can creat more wonderful memories but they dont make an effort to want to do the same, even though they say they love and care for me. It probably seems like and obvious thing from and outside perspective as to what i should do. I guess in a sense i know as well. But like the famous saying goes ‘its easier said then done’. But some more insight from you or anyone else would help me greatly.

This article was really helpful. I have been dealing with a person that I thought was going to be a new friend for close to 2 years. This person is a social climber type and for some reason wanted me and my families friendship so we thought. It was really strange. She would extend friendship but was not friendly. IF that makes sense. Mostly behaves like a snob most of the time, like she is above everyone and can do whatever she pleases.

We would not see this family very often only at sports/ school/community events. I noticed that she seemed to be trying to get my husband “interested” in her. I also noticed that she would not even speak to me if it were just me but would if my husband was around. In fact she has been very rude to me but not my husband. She did many things trying to get my husband to notice her. He never did. I had to tell him.

So I had enough of her disrespectful behavior towards me and my marriage and told her one day during a jrhi football game. This woman came to speak to me about a trip for the school, while she did this she decided to sit very close behind my husband and rest her hand on the base of his neck while she talked to me. He leaned forward to get her hand off. So then she stood up. While standing she touched his back with her knee. So I took her aside privately and told her she has inappropriate behavior with my husband and to keep her hands to herself. I also began that conversation with I am not trying to hurt or offend you in any way but you have been inappropriate with my husband. She immediately went on the defense. She has sent me hateful emails, lied about me, has spread rumors about my reputation, and her and her husband give us HATE looks and I mean very HATEFUL looks anytime we see them. They sort of behave like they are still in jrhi. She has tried to put others against us as well. Just takes the joy out of watching my son play his sports when someone is hating on you and have twisted the truth to make them look like the victim. We live in a smaller community. Which makes it hard to ignore. Should I say something to them about the hateful looks or just keep ignoring?

Just sharing my experiences.
I grew up in a toxic environment and managed to attract more toxic people around me as I grew. Guess its my personality – I react and emphatise too much until I am almost always drained.

for the “toxic bullies” – they usually try to poke you where it hurts and they confirm the effectiveness of their strategies from your reactions Likewise – do not give a reply if it is irrational or you feel that the person will not listen to you anyway. Just be silent. He/she will lose interest in getting any reaction from you in time to come. Worst case is to react at every retort attempts. I feel this kind of reaction is the most rewarding for these bullies – whether they are ill or not.

Speak only if you can improve the silence.
Hope the above can help some.

I’ve recently made a break from a toxic friend. It’s been over a month now since I’ve spoken with her and it’s been such a relief.

I tend to be a people pleaser and don’t like to see anyone upset. For over a year my toxic friend really took advantage of my kind nature, and would use emotional manipulation to get me to do things for her. She didn’t drive and had supposed health problems, etc. After a particularly grueling day with her, I realized that she had become more of a part-time job than a friend. Because I knew that she would get very upset (and potentially threaten suicide) I made a slow break from her by becoming busier and busier with other things when she would ask for favors. I’ve made sure to still maintain a friendly, but busily distant rapport with her on social media, simply so there isn’t too much awkwardness if I run into her around our city. It’s one thing to do a favor here and there for someone, but when someone asks you for several huge favors every week and nothing you do seems to make things better for her, it’s just too much to deal with.

Most toxic people are highly defensive, lack fairness and transparency, play dirty games behind the back, play favorites, flaunt their closeness to those in power, blame others, push their responsibilities on others and try to belittle and demean others purposefully. They are generally smooth talkers and expert in faking their genuineness. Such people are the proverbial jackal in sheep’s clothing. The fact is that toxicity can be very difficult to handle for an average person who believes in being positive and professional. Some of the toxic people are real troublemakers who are impossible to manage. If nothing works out the best thing to do is the move on.

How do you do this or help your child do it, when it is teammates? My daughter is facing this and we thought it would end with volleyball and has carried over worse to basketball. It is even taking a toll on the coach.

This website totally gets me. The Toxic person in my life thinks they should do whatever sport I do and already is planning for us to go to college together. but that’s not what I want at all. I feel like this website will really help me with my Toxic problem. Please respond Mark.

Charlotte O’Toole says

As a parent keep the lines open. Have another person with you. If she says something you don’t like. Say. I’m your mother and I love you but I deserve your respect and if you can’t show me this then I will go. If she carries on being disrespectful it is important that you walk away, but say, I want to be part of your life but only when you are respectful to me.

Really great article, practical, useful, and very empowering to those of us who feel “victimized.” Knowledge and community is power to take yourself back.

I really appreciate the info here I’m going to try and use these tactics.I think I’m handling some things wrong. My reaction to negativity are not good sometimes but I like the idea of setting boundaries it seems hard but I’ll work on it As they always say it’s 50 50 in a marrige. I’m just looking for answers right now so I can live a happier life.

Scripture says; Fools want to show their foolishness to the world.

‘Don’t give reply to a fool, then you will be counted as a fool’ says the scripture.
Same scripture says that: ‘give a right reply to the fool otherwise he will counted as he is right’.

It is better to give the explanation if it is required. That’s what i did when my colleague complained about me to the higher authorities.

I neglected when the person spreading toxic with others whom i don’t care.
DON’T GIVE THEM A CHANCE.

Jennifer Leigh says

I called off our wedding 5 weeks before, due to his mother’s bullying over the wedding, our relationship and other outrageous demands. He failed to recognize the problem, and without hesitation or regret, I had finally had enough and ended the relationship.

Thank you for a very helpful article. I grew up with an abusive older sibling who grew increasingly toxic as I stopped tolerating her bullying and she is perpetually angry because she views lack of preferential treatment as abuse committed againt her. Because we share a home and familial responsibilities, I am exposed to toxic rants and daily swearing tantrums aimed at me and I came looking for advice on how to not let it get me down every day. I do value my alone time, and only recently managed to stop my toxic sibling barging into my bedroom when I’m in bed.

I believe my sibling’s toxic behavior is worsening and incurable. When anything goes wrong, she does not see the need for a solution but condemns the entire situation and goes into a tantrum about how much her life sucks. For example, if something breaks from not being taken care of, she calls it a piece of junk and finds some way to blame me for it. If a car ever needs servicing, she calls it a lemon and rages about being cheated by the dealership. If a drain gets clogged or some part of the house needs repair, she rages about how she hates the house and calls it a piece of crap and that she wishes of would burn down. This nearly middle aged adult cannot see that she has any role to play in managing her life and possessions and goes on screaming banging tantrums whenever life doesn’t treat her like the princess she wants to be.

I have managed to establish boundaries by responding aggressively to physical attacks and speaking up against direct verbal attacks. Now she resorts to daily impotent rants, not daring to attack me outright but raising her voice to make sure I am aware of her anger and hatred. I cannot leave because I have other family members to look after so I am trying to accept this increasingly venomous sibling as my lot in life and find a way to keep my head above the river of emotional sewage that my life has become. I feel better for just having said all that and I will read your article again.

How to Deal with Toxic People

Toxic people can be self-centered, manipulative, judgmental, negative, and controlling. Also, a toxic individual will experience difficulties when managing anger. This kind of destructive behavior will minimize your odds of being happy and productive. Most toxic people are trying to cope with underlying problems, such as addiction, trauma, or unhealthy relationship. The probability of changing this destructive behavior is insignificant. The individual needs to be the one leading the change, not you. The reality is that sometimes you can’t escape a toxic person because they’re family, a coworker, or a longtime friend. Therefore, you should design the right strategies on how to deal with toxic people.

5 Signs of Toxic People

1. Inability to offer compassion

Not all people grow up in loving households with solid support systems. It can be challenging for some people to show compassion towards others when they’ve never been offered compassion during difficult circumstances. Having a deep understanding that not everyone has the tools to provide the support you need can help you understand that sometimes toxicity isn’t personal.

2. Self-absorption

Over the years, it’s pretty clear that most self-absorbed individuals don’t receive a ton of recognition. Their lack of praise causes them to go to the opposite end of the scale to glorify themselves. If someone is always highlighting how great they are, it’s often due to feeling small from a lack of recognition. Consider offering kind and gentle praise towards people like this, and you’ll eventually see a big ego die down.

3. Deceit and dishonesty

People who often get in trouble telling the truth might be more likely to lie to avoid getting punished. Some people choose dishonesty to avoid hurting people. They may lack the social skills for honesty due to their upbringing or social circumstances.

4. Tendency to create conflicts and unnecessary dramas

Conflicts often arise due to emotional reasons. A confrontation may occur when someone feels unsafe and you’re failing to meet their need for safety. Toxic people can also be more likely to create drama when they feel like outsiders in a group situation. For instance, if you regularly exclude someone and they’re the person creating conflict, it’s possible that you indirectly caused the problem unknowingly. When a dispute arises, the goal should be to look at the basic need that isn’t being met for this person. The problem may be easier to solve when looking at a person’s needs.

5. Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse from a toxic person can take the form of criticism, blaming, denying, isolating, or even being codependent on another person. It’s essential to draw boundaries and to communicate both your needs to prevent emotional abuse from escalating.

How to Deal with Toxic People

You can’t cut off some toxic people; so, you should consider the right approach to handling difficult people. For instance, if you approach a toxic person as such, they’ll likely continue the same type of behavior since you are not helping them meet their needs. The goal is not to change someone but to help them meet their needs, as that’s all you can do from your side of things. It’s a great idea to develop the right strategy on how to deal with them. Below are some proven ways on how to deal with toxic people.

Focus on Positivity

Being positive will help you avoid irritation and stress from toxic people. Toxic people are often people suffering from difficult circumstances who lack the support and tools they need to overcome their pain. A positive minded-person will have the ability to create a positive environment to help them with their emerging problems or difficult situations. Your mental and emotional health is essential; therefore, you should try your best to avoid negative thoughts and conversations. Focus on being uplifting to them so that they feel supported and heard. You may experience some fatigue after a discussion with them so take breaks from challenging conversations as they arise.

Set Boundaries

Toxic behavior involves the ability to control the situation and other peoples’ opinions. Setting boundaries is a helpful tip that’ll help you prosper in life. Toxic people don’t usually entertain boundaries; therefore, you should be ready to maintain your limits. Setting strict boundaries and limits will act as a personal challenge for toxic people. When setting up limits, you should put your focus on elements you can control. You should avoid investing your effort or time with a toxic person. You should always seek to keep the topics light and interactions brief for your well-being. Doing this is vital because toxic people will be looking for loopholes and blind spots in your conversation. You should set boundaries in place to help you minimize their blame towards you. It would help if you always talked about nice things about others in any given situation to reduce rumor spreading. You can set a timer to help you avoid unhealthy conversations with toxic people so that you have a clear exit for when the chat is over.

Focus on your Needs

Toxic behavior can be damaging and spiteful. Some toxic people will rely on your help to gain emotional stability since it’s what they lack. The art of giving isn’t a bad thing, but you should prioritize your needs if you’re trying to deal with toxic people. It would be best if you didn’t risk your safety or well-being on behalf of a toxic person. You can still be there for someone while ensuring you are also meeting your needs. Healthy relationships need give and take. Prioritizing your needs is essential because you don’t expect anything from a toxic person as they suffer. Your needs are as important as theirs, in a purely equal matter of fact. As you focus on meeting your needs, remember that their pain from unmet needs can also cause toxicity for them. You don’t need to go above and beyond. Keep both of your needs in mind as you heal from the imbalance and trauma in the relationship.

Politely Advise Them About their Toxic Behavior

Toxic people might not realize that they’re affecting other people. Their pain and suffering cause them to live in their thoughts instead of the present world. Therefore, you should design the right approach to help the toxic person understand the reality of the situation. Toxic people will sometimes create dramatic situations, manipulate, and gossip about others out of fear. You should also pick your words carefully because a toxic person tends to play blame games. It can be challenging to realize that the chaos someone caused you is what you’re doing to someone else. An open conversation can help you reveal the impacts and effects of toxic behavior.

Avoid Playing into Toxic Peoples’ Reality

Toxic people aren’t always able to take responsibility for their actions due to survival mode. They may make mistakes and blame other people because they can’t see things clearly. It would help if you didn’t play the victim in any given situation because a toxic person may try to shift the story. You should disagree respectfully to avoid an angry outburst. Using the right approach will help you encourage a problematic person to heal and become their mentor or supporter. Always use a positive mindset when dealing with unhealthy behavior.

Learn How to Say No

It’s hard to turn people down, especially when they’re in pain, but you should have boundaries. A toxic person may try to manipulate you to change your perspective about a situation. Keep in mind that this isn’t always manipulation, though. People view the world from a different perspective and have unique experiences that shape their world. But don’t forget to draw those boundaries by saying no when appropriate. It would help if you learned how to cope with sudden outbursts. People in a state of hypervigilance or fight or flight mode can suddenly overreact to situations due to extreme stress. Being consistent and persistent is critical because it will help you deescalate the problem. Also, saying no and walking away will help you avoid scenes. If you aren’t leaving, avoid the conversation.

Make Yourself Unavailable

Toxic people have enough understanding of who they can take advantage of. They usually avoid people when their tactics fail. Trying to make yourself unavailable will reduce your bond. Therefore, they’ll try to look for someone else. You should design honest excuses, especially if you’re at the workplace. For instance, you can say you have a lot of work, or you’re in a meeting. You may be surprised by outright accusations and passive-aggressive remarks from toxic people. Teach yourself how to ignore negative comments, even if you’re upset. Shifting your focus to positive things will improve your work efficiency.

Design an Exit Strategy

Sometimes you might be stuck in a toxic and unhealthy conversation. Leaving the conversation might create a bad picture of being rude. Therefore, you should come up with a great exit strategy. To exit the conversation politely, you should create reliable go-to lines. For instance, you can say you’re so sorry you can’t chat anymore because you have a busy schedule. An exit strategy will help you save your time and concentrate on productive things. It will also help with caregiver fatigue.

Maintain Calm

It isn’t an easy task to stay calm when dealing with toxic people. It will help if you ground yourself using several strategies: muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises, and distracting yourself. Being calm will help you avoid unnecessary drama or scenes. To help you develop a more peaceful mindset, consider following a guided meditation using the Declutter The Mind app. You’ll be able to find a meditation for your every need to help you practice compassion, increase focus, or anything else.

Consult a Therapist

If you’re unable to control a toxic person, you should consult a professional therapist. In most cases, you’ll require a therapist if the toxic person is a close relative who you’re unable to cut off. A therapist will give you helpful and professional tips that’ll give you the courage to control the situation or problem. There are some items you should consider when choosing the right therapist. Some of these things include budget, professionalism, experience, credibility, reputation, and trustworthiness. A pro therapist will offer you judgment-free and compassionate support that suits your situation.

Don’t Get Personal

Toxic behavior involves oversharing personal details and gossip. Besides, a toxic person will use your personal information to provoke you. It would help if you weren’t sharing private information with the toxic person in your life. Being intimate with a person you don’t fully trust can be unhealthy because it may cause emotional issues. Therefore, you should keep your conversation light to avoid oversharing.

Pick Battles Wisely

Critics don’t work well with toxic people. Picking the wrong battles can cause conflicts rather than solutions. Dealing with toxic people isn’t an easy task; therefore, you should consider choosing the right strategies and approaches. Don’t pick a losing battle and decide to stop taking things personally. You should evaluate and analyze your strengths before confronting a toxic person. Use a positive mindset to lower the odds of conflicts or war. Using positivity will help toxic people understand what they’re doing isn’t right.

Distance Yourself From Toxic Behavior

Toxic behavior will drag you down and lower your probability of achieving your set objectives. To deal with a problem, you should identify its leading cause, which is often unmet needs. Desensitizing yourself from harmful actions and words will give you peace of mind. Before distancing yourself from people, analyze and evaluate their value and significance. Distancing yourself from toxic people will help you concentrate on prolific things. A toxic person may upset you if you’re not able to help meet their needs. You can either distance yourself emotionally or physically, depending on the situation at hand.

Utilize your Support System

You have some trustworthy individuals in your life who aren’t toxic. Spend more time with people who make you happy. Minimize contact with toxic people if they devalue you, even if you’re trying your best. Real friends will help you achieve your goals because they’ll ensure you’ve enough support. Your support team will help remind you of how wonderful you are.

Speak Up

Toxic people will do things for personal gain and at the expense of innocent individuals. A toxic person will pass guilt, bully, and belittle you when they’re in pain. Some of these people will do wrong things knowingly, and they’ll back down after being confronted. Avoiding their toxic behavioral territory will shut them down. Confront them using polite language to lower the risks of conflicts and scenes. Choosing kindness can be difficult, but when you remember that most arguments result from unmet needs or long-term pain, it’s easier to provide empathy to a difficult person.

Conclusion

Dealing with toxic people isn’t easy. But before you try to play the us vs. them game with them, try to remember to bring an element of humanity into the relationship. The meanest and most hurtful people are often in a lot of pain that they don’t know how to cope with. Focus on finding out what their unmet need is, being their shining light, and lifting them up when possible. You’d be surprised at how that deescalates a problematic situation.

Dealing With Difficult People

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

They’ll manipulate.

If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

They won’t own their feelings.

Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

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They never apologise.

They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

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They exaggerate.

‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

They are judgemental.

We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.

2,305 Comments

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. My mother is also dying of cancer and has maybe two weeks to live. So needless to say I am under a tremendous amount of stress, and my boyfriend and I fight all the time. He says it’s my fault because I started and I get back a barrage of insults and devastating comments the absolutely Tear to shreds. I’m the one that ends up apologizing and he tells me I’m the one that needs to show him that I wanna fix things. Yesterday I went to the store and when I came back he was very respondent and I asked him what the matter was. After a minute he informed me that he “accidentally” Recorded me having a very private conversation with my dying mother. I said some things that I felt about him venting I have no one to talk to you and my mom is my best friend so we discuss things about the future and things that I feel he does to me in our relationship. He told me he heard the entire conversation and he can never forgive me or get past the things that I said about him. I know the recording was not accidental but yet I am being punished for this I don’t know what to do if I’m wrong what to do. I’m at a loss and I am in desperate need of some good advice because I feel like I’m losing my mind right now. I do have a Behavioral as well as a mood disorder and I know that that contributes to a lot of our problems. But I’m absolutely at a loss because I can’t even be mad that he recorded me he says but I will definitely pay the price for what he heard.

I moved in with my friend and her cousin for college. I am an introvert that likes to stay in my room to read or watch videos. I know I need to learn to be more social. In the beginning we all got along until one day they had a problem with everything I did. Eg. Not liking avocados, or I wait until my dishes are dry on the rack before I put them away instead of drying them right away.
They made up lies to tell their parents that I am the aggressor and I am the one who yells at them and belittles them. Everyone who know me knows that I am very soft spoken even when I talk about things I am passionate about.
I mustered up my courage to have the difficult talk about why they are ignoring me or giving me dirty looks. They wrote a list of all my shortcomings and how I need to change in order for me to stay friends with them. Needless to say, I was floored. Not only did they nitpicked almost every insecurity I had about myself, they told me I need to stop acting like I was the victim. I even apologized for things I didn’t do, but I apologized anyway to try to make things better. They didn’t.
My mom saw one of them on FaceTime giving me the finger behind my back when she didn’t know she was on camera. My mom got mad and called her mom. Her mom admitted her daughter can be difficult but she won’t interfere because we are now considered adults. Her mom also told my mom that she also can’t talk to her daughter because her daughter told her she’s constantly studying during her free time. That is a lie, she’s always out partying.
I cannot live like this anymore. We have another 3 years of college and if I have to keep living with them, I will go insane. I am doing well in my classes despite all that is going on. They constantly get in trouble in class because they are loud and fooling around.
I found another place to live but I will be leaving my lease early and leaving them to have to come up with my portion of the rent. I was so excited to live with them and they couldn’t find a nice affordable apartment without me. My mom paid for all the furniture and she said she will sell it or return it all if I move out. My sister said I shouldn’t feel guilty or even tell them I’m leaving, but I still feel like I’m the bad guy. Should I leave and not tell them or should I give them a month’s notice so they can find another roommate? My friends think that they will try to make my life worse if they know I’m leaving.

Wow…I had a toxic roommate once but you got the double-whammie with not one but two! I think if it were me not only would I not tell them I was moving out but I wouldn’t even wait it out another month. Look for a time when they’ll both be away, then get your furniture and other stuff out, leave a note and be gone when they get back. You could explain that you tried to make it work but they left you no choice but to do it this way.

Thank you Terry. My parents will be coming to help me move. It won’t matter if they are there or not while I move, they are scared of my parents, especially my dad. I decided not to tell them I’m moving out. I don’t want to live a month of sleeping with one eye opened!
They have now doubled down on their pettiness by not letting me use what her parents bought for the apartment. Eg. Salt and pepper. I don’t stoop down to their level by not letting them sit on the couch or watch the tv my mom bought. Those items will also be coming with me when I move. All utilities are in my name, including wifi. I will transfer those services to my new apartment too.
My mom told me they already made me a villain in their eyes, nothing I do or say will make them change their minds. It’s been 9 long months, they won’t change, and that their actions have consequences. My mom said her parents will need to step up after I move and possibly get them some psychiatric help because their behaviour is not normal, it’s darn right toxic. My mom’s word’s, not mine!
I thank god everyday I have my parents to talk to, especially my mom. Her nightly talks keep me from breaking down mentally. She should have been a therapist instead of a lawyer.

Good for you…that is truly bizzare. I think it’s hilarious that you’re taking the wifi and tv with you (does that make me toxic?). In my own experience I think part (not all) of the issue was just getting out into a larger world and learning to deal with personalities I hadn’t encountered before, but it’s good that your parents are there to offer perspective and help you sort out what is and is not acceptable behavior. And you mom is right – they’re not going to change. You need to get out for your own mental health. It sounds as if your roommates are scared of your parents because they can’t pull their (ahem) crap with them.

Best wishes, and enjoy your new life! Hopefully in the future you’ll have some perspective of your own to draw from in dealing with more such people (whom you WILL meet at some point) and even help others to do so.

This is my husband 100% except even worse and I am trying to pull myself off his roller coaster.

It’s time to leave the relationship. She is taking you for granted. She has no respect for you or what you are feeling. Sometimes it will take walking away from an toxic or onesided relationship before a person realize what they lost.

Now I just need to rant and let off steam because woopdy dooo I’m pissed

My brother is an absolute jackass. I don’t think he is by any means Toxic, but he does share some pretty nasty qualities with people like this. He is really, really good at making anyone he does not, and for lack of a better term, “respect” feel like absolute crap. The dude won’t even let me speak when I want to talk to him, yet when he wants to talk to me, I’m all ears. Now I’m by no means a good person either. I am a very talkative and very annoying person which may stem from a personal need for attention which I am now starting to believe that I have. That being said, I still want to talk to my brother. And half the time it’s about things we both enjoy, like video games. Now I might take it too far, describing things in such detail that we can spend hours just talking about one thing, but that is just how I am. I like researching and want to tell people about what I have learned. I want to talk to a person who can keep up with me, or just listen. When I want to converse with him, he has some very popular phrases, some while greeting me. “Shut Up”, “I’m done with this conversation” “I don’t care” “why won’t you shut up” “be quiet” “This is why you don’t have friends” “this is why no one likes you”. Now while the last few eventually happen when we get in an argument, it still hurts to hear him say that. Again though, I am by no means better than him. I have also insulted him just as well, and oftentimes, it ends with us either getting into a tussle, or both of us walking away pissed. Still, I feel like I am not respected or loved by him. I feel he does not care, and while I don’t want to toot my own horn, I do care for him. Any one of my friends you can ask will tell you so. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want him treating me this way. I don’t want him to act like I am the scum of his earth. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have options anymore. I don’t want to be in situations where my anger gets the better of me and I hit him, and he retaliates. I want to be his brother and I want him to be my brother, but I don’t want to hate him. I might have issues that need solving, and I should probably talk to a therapist, but that is expensive, and this is easier. I just need someone to talk to. Really someone to talk to. I am not a good person, but I hate feeling like I am losing someone I love.

This is my brother who we don’t get on whose abusive. I want absolutely zilch to do with him and his equally toxic money grabbing partner.

He’s very abusive and ticks all of the above. I have looked after my mother 16 years and when she had a heart attack and was poorly he asked me to transfer everything to him which I refused.

He then said the will was not valid it was as I was not there when it was signed and witnessed by two independent witnesses. He then pestered my mother to move in to his house to exclude me from the will and gain control whilst he and his partner moved to my mother’s house.

She refused and had heart failure at the time. My mother made a good recovery still early days thanks entirely to me and she’s seeing a new solicitor to make sure the will is watertight.

There were further incidences of not talking to my mother to make her choose which she won’t and withholding Granparents rights. He’s a nasty piece of work.

He is not getting a house I helped pay for and which I worked for as a carer. I won’t talk to him or send him a card now for his birthday or Christmas. He is judgmental saying I’m mentally ill but he has a history of violence and abusing women and anger management issues so take’s one to know one I suppose. I told him don’t abuse me. Toxic through and through. I will make sure my mother lives to be 90 plus when his health is declining rapidly.

My partner has an anxiety disorder and is also control freak and perfectionist. Her last partner was a narcissist. I think that she is using his behaviors on me the last period. We aren’t living together. It is a long distance relationship.

I started having feelings for a guy (I am in retail and wait on him daily) that comes in Monday thru Friday for a 12 pack of beer. He said he has to quit to save his marriage. Over and over said that. Than he said she is (wife) is tired of him. We started talking also on the phone and met in the park and than it got talking constantly at night. He got a burner phone so she could not find out he was talking to someone. We started having feelings He even said he could not sleep thinking of me constantly. He said there could never be an us because of his drinking I encouraged him to get help to save his marriage. He tried quitting on his own (cold turkey) and he could not do it and started drinking again. She ask him to leave. I know nothing after that. He comes in still but tells me nothing. Just he is doing him. So what do I say? should I just say hello and nothing else?

Girl if he’ll do it to her. Then he’ll do it to you. You AREN’T his therapist. This is unhealthy & you know it. Don’t walk, run & don’t look back. You owe him NOTHING. Save your time for someone whose worth it & not a cheater.

Yes he is broken, leave him alone because you can’t fix this and your feelings for a married man are toxic so work on your own boundaries before seeking attention from a married man. You need to realize that you participating in the deceptive tactics against his wife are toxic. You can’t help him because you aided in injuring his marriage. Marriage is sacred. Not fair game.

It’s funny. Someone sent ONLY portions of this to me and called me toxic yesterday. I read it and was like OMG! It described to a T, the individual that sent it to me. So I googled it and read the rest. After 2 years I finally feel FREE. I struggled for so long to try and please him. To wait while he sorted his feelings and apologized for the horrible things he did. Instead he would just dig deeper holes and expect to “move on” without addressing problems, bringing up irrelevant issues and fighting over semantics and context. I often wondered if I was being a narcissist for giving up. Near the end I had started to get angry, yes resorted to name calling (after he did) and after being hurt repeatedly and then sucked back in again with sweetness…only to be hurt again. After reading this I see now that it hasn’t been my fault all along and not only am I NOT a narcissist, I am NOT the toxic one! Thank you for giving me hope and clarity. Thank you for helping me keep some semblance of SANITY. I really thought I was losing my mind for a bit.

Similar story.
As soon as I TXT the number he gave me, he blew up my phone for days and wouldn’t stop calling and txting even while I was at work and without my phone which he knew.
He sent flowers to my work which made me really uncomfortable, as I had already asked that he remain a “customer” and not make a show of the relationship too soon because it would cause issues of comfort for me.
I discovered very quickly he was calculative, angry and really obsessive.

2 years later… He controls my life through use of his son. He is so bitter towards his son, he calls him “mummys boy” and tries to pick fights with em at every turn.
He’s scored a new girlfriend and lied about it for 6 months, if only she knew that this man is a rare kind of psychotic. He plans to knock her up then use their offspring as leverage against me as the primary care giver. He wont win, i still have the footage and all the messages to prove what he was and even though he apologised and begged for me back again and again, he still denies ever doing any of it to my face.

Wow, I’m
So happy to read this, my husband of 15 years is all of the above, I left him
For 5 years he stalked and harrassed me the whole time, then stupidly he faked the niceness and I thought let’s try again because he was being the man I fell
In love with, only to be trapped in the cycle of mind games, belittling, confusion, doubting my own sanity, thoughts, feelings, perceptions. Being told that what I felt was wrong, what I believed was wrong, and telling me how I should really feel and believe?! He’d dig and dig and dig at me any opportunity he had to the point I stayed out of his way as much as I can in the bedroom, to be called lazy and none idle for being in my bedroom all day, I’d reach my limits and stand up for myself and my way is shouting because I’m at that level I can’t hold it in, to be told I’m a narcissist I’m toxic and I’m abusive! Along with telling others that know us the same and he was an abused victim. He is so clever and manipulative and I know what he’s doing but still he manages to avoid conversations and turn them about a wrong word said or something that happened last month to completely change the direction of the conversation to something we have gone over and over and over again so many times?! I’d end up having to give him a itemised list of what I bought from the shop with the £20 He left me? And then he’d tell me I was lying about what I spent it on. It is debilitating and the illness it brings on mentally and physically is monumental. And you end up feeling your the one in the wrong. He’s told me nobody would put up with my shit and he’s the only one who would have me. When all I’ve done is try try and try?! He is a hoarder and the house is crammed with old junk, not just from him
But from customers houses, old boilers, lamp shades, cable, old plug sockets light switches he’s changed at customers house, old fuse boards and showers. So when I attempt to clear anything he goes ballistic and tells me I’m over stepping my boundaries! It’s horrendous!! Anyway new house coming up soon for me for my escape! Cos I wouldn’t wish that on anybody!

I have a boyfriend but nobody but my closest friends believe me. I have been asked many times for photos of him to prove his existence but he wasn’t comfortable sending them and I respected that. I honestly felt like I was being peer pressured to send them. I decided to find a picture online to send to that person and they sent it round to everyone and people didn’t believe me so they started to look online for a matching picture. After I realised they were doing that I told them I sent a fake picture because I knew it would be sent round and he didn’t feel comfortable with that, they ignored me and started spreading rumours. My once best friend, was sat behind me in a lesson and I could hear their conversation loud and clear. She was saying things like “I was never HER best friend!” And when one of my friends asked her, “why did you say that she was your best friend and always hang out with her?” She replied, “I’m just an amazing actor.”
I felt really hurt by this but I didn’t say owt because I knew that my ex best friend and one of the most toxic person in our year weren’t going to let this go. I tried telling them but they just don’t listen. I really don’t know what to do now.