How to handle your parents

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How to handle your parents

How to Handle Parents Playing Favorites As an Adult

This article was co-authored by Leslie Bosch, PhD and by wikiHow staff writer, Eric McClure. Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.

There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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It can be hurtful to have your parents treat you poorly while showering praise and energy on your siblings. Not only does it make it hard to connect with your parents, but it can breed resentment and rivalry between you and your siblings. While it’s normal to be hurt by this, recognize that you’re under no obligation as an adult to put up with it and change is possible. There are plenty of ways you can go about this, so tailor your approach based on your parents’ personalities. In this article, we’ll break down everything you need to know about handling parents who show favoritism.

How To Handle Overprotective And Controlling Parents

Disclaimer: Please don’t do something stupid and get yourself killed.

You can love your parents, without being their slave.

My parents are doctors. Great doctors. Yes, both of ’em. My father is a surgeon, and my mother a gynecologist. And I’m a single child (apart from the fact that I’m actually single, ha ha). Oh, one more thing, I’m not too smart, or talented. I’m not aware of even a single talent that I might have. On the contrary, my parents are high-achievers. Both of them excelled at studies. They found rote easy. And I cannot memorize shit even after I fully understand it. Because of this ‘smartness gap’ between me and my parents, they felt I couldn’t do anything myself. I was too stupid. So, they protected me. Overly. They had to babysit me a lot. They made most of my decisions up until I was 22 years old.

They told me when to study, when to play and what hairstyle I should have. They told me what I should wear and what to eat. They shamed me for not liking the food they liked. They did my summer homework for me. They didn’t let me have night outs with friends (even safely, at their homes). I loved to open things with a screwdriver (watches, toy cars etc.), and they didn’t want me to do that. They beat me for my bad grades.

Fortunately, I did not listen to them most of the time. I was quite a rebel, and did what I had to anyways. So, they couldn’t stop me much.

You Need Discipline, Not the answers

I accept I needed discipline. But I didn’t want the plate handed to me. Just because you aren’t naturally smart doesn’t mean you need help (all the time). On the contrary, I needed to practise independence: making mistakes, failing on my tests, etc. in order to develop the smartness. I realised this in my 2nd year of college.

I remember I was 20, and I was crying. I blamed my parents for sending me to a college I hated. I told this to them on the phone. I wanted to drop out. I hated studying. I hated the people in my college. I hated my subject. Just like always, I wanted them to give me a solution. To my horror, my parents did not have the answer to any of my problems. It was then, that I decided I will never ask my parents for help. It will be my last resort. I saw that their making decisions for me, led to my unhappiness. They knew what was good in general. But they didn’t know what was good for me. I will also never blame them for anything in my life. I decided to take full responsibility for my life. That’s when the fun started.

Why Your Parents Might Be Controlling And Overprotective

If you’re Indian, like me, there is a high chance that your parents are like this. The answer to this question is cliche. Your parents care about you. They want the best for you (hopefully). They want to save you from getting hurt. They want to prevent you from going bad.

All this comes from good intentions. But most of it does more harm than good, for 2 reasons:

I read somewhere, something like this:

Don’t save your children from the snakes. Your child is bound to encounter a snake, sooner or later. Instead, teach them to kill the snakes.

When Should You Listen To Your Parents? When Are They Truly Right?

There is one condition, when it’s okay to listen to your parents: When you’re clueless about life. When you have no idea what you’re going to do in the future. Let’s face it: You don’t want to do something utterly stupid. And then regret it for the rest of your life. And then blame your parents for not correcting you.

Let’s say your parents want you to study. But you don’t want to do that. But you don’t know any alternative either. Then you probably should study, until you can find what you really want.

But that’s usually not the case.You always know what you want. But if you’re an Indian, you should study anyway (I’m sorry, truth needs to be said). Because in order to figure out what you want, you need the money. And the easiest way to earn money (in India) is through studies. Education gets you a job more easily than anything else.

There is one more condition: you’re sure you won’t kill yourself.

Drugs? Drunk driving? Cigarettes? Think you can’t handle the temptations? Maybe your parents will help you stay away.

Why Escape From Overprotectiveness Of Parents In The First Place?

One last question before I can give you the practical tips: What is wrong with your parents making decisions for you?

Here’s what all you can do, and what I did.

1. Take Full Responsibility For Your Life

In my 11th and 12th grade, I studied every second of my life. I don’t remember even a single fun thing I did. It was my choice, not my parents’. In fact, they were worried about my studying too much. I got awesome grades.

But after school, I could not study properly in college. I failed numerous exams. But that was my choice too. In 12th class, all the credit goes to my hard work. In college, all the responsibility for my failures also lies with me. I can’t blame my parents for it.

So, this is the most important step. To get freedom from your parents, learn to not blame anyone for your actions and their consequences.

With great responsibility, comes great power (to change your life).

2. Break The Rules, Not The Law:

Learn to play within the rules. You’ll go to jail if you kill someone. But probably not for punching someone at school. Even though punching is bad. You can break rules, not laws.

Similarly, your parents have some laws. My parents wanted grades. If I had good grades, my parents rarely asked anything about my life. Even if they did, I could get away with it. Also, they wanted me to not kill myself i.e. no (excessive) alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and bad company. If I was safe and got good marks, I was a free man. They didn’t care if I dated a girl, played video games, fought other kids at school, etc. So, figure out what your parents want. What are their laws? Can you fulfill them?

If not, read further.

3. Disobey Them

Let me describe myself to you in some words (or phrases): Atheist. Not Religious. Doesn’t believe in most things without proof. Not influenced by Indian culture. Hates authority. Loves freedom. Doesn’t respect elders without reason. Can you see where this is going? Although my parents were super controlling, I never did listen to them. I was spoiled because I was spoonfed. But disobeying my parents was an everyday thing for me.

The reason this tip is important is because this is probably your best solution.

Like it or not, you’ll have to disobey your parents, because the chances of them understanding you are very slim.

They might threaten you, beat you, but they won’t kill you (again, hopefully). So, listen to the lecture, take some slaps, get beaten. And do what you have to do anyway.

Once more, given that you’re not destroying yourself. Your parents won’t let you kill yourself. So, you won’t be able to do drugs, drop out of college or get away with shitty grades at school.

Now, if your parents are stopping you from learning something you love, you can ignore them.

4. Earn Money

If you can pull this off, this is the best tip on this list. However, it is also the most difficult. If you are useful as a person, and can earn money, your parents will leave you alone completely. In most cases.

Even if they don’t, you can simply leave the house, and live on your own. They will lose control over you entirely. If you’re doing a job you like, and they don’t, you probably shouldn’t listen to them anyway.

5. The Good Boy Move

If you can’t take full responsibility, if you can disobey your parents, if you can’t break the rules, if you can’t fulfil the laws, if you can’t earn money, you should do this: tell them the truth.

Tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them you’ve grown up. Tell them their help is making you lazy. Tell them you need some freedom for your growth. And then hope for them to understand.

This may not work and you may have to disobey them anyway. But you may be lucky and your parents might understand. If they do, like all parents should, this should be the best tip on this list.

After reading this, I hope you’ll get more control of your life. If you liked this essay, share it to people who need it.

Five Ways to Handle Parents Without Killing Them

About This Article

Posted on September 21, 2019 September 19, 2019

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Melissa is the kind of supportive parent we’d all want if we were a YA protagonist.

Parents are a real bugbear for any author writing an underage protagonist, and it’s not difficult to see why. Not only are parents generally more capable than their children, but they also have a vested interest in not allowing said children to undertake dangerous tasks, like saving the world. Any story where the stakes involve physical danger will face this quandary: caring parents in that situation would either try to solve the hero’s problem for them or keep them home and safe.

The two most common ways to circumvent this are to either kill the parents off or position them as hindrances that the hero must get around. Killing the parents off can work, but it’s also extremely common, to the point of being overused. Sometimes we want to see underage protagonists with healthy home lives too! Using the parents as a hindrance can also work, but it gets annoying fast if repeated. It’s dramatic the first time a parent puts their foot down and says no adventuring today. The second time, it’s just frustrating. We want the hero to save the day, and parents who stand in the way of that quickly become unlikable.

Fortunately, those aren’t our only options. There are as many ways to handle parents as there are stories with parents in them, but today I take you through five broad approaches that have found success in a number of popular stories. Let’s get to it!

1. The Parents Are Far Away

You know a great way to keep parents from interfering in an adventure? Put them somewhere other than where the adventure is taking place. That’ll keep them out of trouble, unless they have the ability to collocate across time and space, and if they can do that, then you’re just creating problems for yourself.

This is the approach taken by most stories where the protagonist either runs away or is kidnapped. Either way, the child is removed from their parents’ protection so they can go and do the adventure, whatever it happens to be. Of course, any caring parents in this situation will do everything they can to get their offspring back, and how big a problem that is depends on what resources the parents have at their disposal.

If the parents are relatively normal people in a story where their child is taken away to the fairy realm, there probably isn’t much they can do, so they likely won’t be a factor until a tearful reunion at the end. On the other hand, if the parents are arch mages of the 13th circle, it’s only a matter of time before they come knocking at the winter queen’s door. Such a story can still work, but it’s under more constraints.

If you’d prefer the parents not be worried about the protagonist, you can craft a scenario where the separation is voluntary. Perhaps your hero is going away for training or on a class trip to visit Mars. The problem with this option is that in most cases, there will still be an authority figure present. There are no parents to worry about at magic boarding school, but there are still teachers, and that’s a whole new set of problems.

2. The Parents Are Underpowered

If you’d prefer your hero’s parents still be physically present, then a good option is to make them incapable of dealing with whatever problems the hero faces. No matter how much the parents love their children, it won’t spontaneously generate the superstrength needed to fight vampires.

To make this approach work, it’s best if the hero has a special power that goes beyond human skill. They use that power to solve whatever problems the setting throws at them. Magic is always a good bet, though under the right circumstances you might be able to use technology if you can explain why it only works for the protagonist. Whether tech or magic, this power needs to be enough to make up for the greater capability most adults have over kids. If a kid’s power is to talk with animals, their parents are still probably better equipped to fight werewolves.

Underpowered parents also tend to work better with older kids, as it still requires that the parents approve of whatever danger the hero is putting themself in. It’s just easier for parents to accept that their 16-year-old has to save the Earth from interdimensional robber barons than it would be if the kid was 10. Even if the 10-year-old had the powers to get the job done, it would be hard to believe their parents would allow such a thing. And yet, underpowered parents who try to keep their kid at home will quickly become annoying roadblocks in the story’s way.

Assuming you get the hero’s powers and age dialed in properly, then underpowered parents have a major advantage: they can be present in the story. Usually, they’ll play some kind of support role, offering emotional guidance or even serving as a mentor. This gives you the chance to show your hero’s loving home life without sabotaging the story.

3. The Parents Are Unaware

The trouble with parents is that even if you underpower them or put them far away, they might still try to interfere with your plot. But you’ve got an ace up your sleeve: the parents don’t know anything is happening at all! That’ll teach ’em to mess with your child-endangering story.

Unaware parents can work for heroes of any age, but they fit especially well with younger protagonists. Audiences are simply primed to accept that there are certain types of supernatural entities that only children can see. Now your preteens can have magical adventures without their guardians ever realizing something is up!

The trick to unaware parents is creating a scenario where it makes sense for them to remain unaware. You can’t just say that they don’t notice the demons constantly breaking into their house, not if you want to maintain any credibility with the audience. Employing a parent-proof glamour will help, but it’s not a cure-all. Parents will notice that their kitchen is constantly wrecked, even if they can’t see what’s wrecking it. That’s why it really helps for the supernatural to be subtle, leeching hope from dreams rather than cutting hearts out.

The other obstacle to believably unaware parents is the protagonists themselves. Kids, especially young kids, tend to seek out their parents when frightened. Even if the magic in your setting is invisible to adults, this can still cause problems. Caring parents will try to help their upset children, even if it’s not clear what’s wrong.

One way to prevent this is for the hero not to realize they’re in danger until it’s too late for the parents to intervene. Perhaps the world inside the walls seems beautiful and fun until they’ve lost sight of the exit. Alternatively, the hero might understand that saying anything would put their parents in danger too. This requires a child with some self-restraint and a credible threat to the parents. If you have those things, this is a great solution.

4. The Parents Are Teammates

Until now, we’ve looked at different ways to get the parents out of the way, but there’s no need to be rude like that. Instead, why not welcome the parents onto your hero’s team and make them part of the story?

This option doesn’t see a lot of use because it requires some very specific circumstances to work correctly. First, the competence levels must be perfectly balanced so that the parents are still useful on the hero’s team but don’t outshine them. One way to make that easier is to give them different skill sets. If the hero is a cyberspace warrior, their parents might be the techies who keep the virtual reality rig running smoothly.

Having the parents as teammates also requires a cause the parents can believe in. They have to think that the adventure before them is important enough to risk their kid’s safety. The importance of that cause should scale with the amount of danger. If the hero is only facing virtual opponents with no risk of death, then trying to make rent will work just fine. If the hero battles for their lives every night, then a good chunk of the world had better be at stake.

If you can make it believable, teaming up the hero with their parents offers an intercharacter dynamic that few stories take advantage of. You can create a strong contrast as the parents watch their kid take on the baddies, proud yet afraid at the same time. Or you can go the other way with it and use this team-up in the face of evil as a way to work through conflicts between parent and child.

5. The Parents Are Antagonists

Most of the problems with including parents in a story stem from the fact that parents typically want what’s best for their children. This leads to them doing annoying things like trying to help the hero out of tight spots. The nerve! But there’s a way around this problem: What if the parents were evil?

Antagonistic parents turn all the normal problems with parental characters into strengths. It’s great that parents are typically more competent than their children because you want the bad guy to be more powerful anyway. It’s fantastic that parents have a vested interest in what their children do because now you can use that interest to motivate villainous actions!

Admittedly, it’s possible to go too far and create a villainous parent that your baby hero can’t possibly defeat, but that’s a risk with any sort of villain. The main thing to look out for with antagonistic parents is not going too dark. In most cases, the conflict between parent and child should come from the parent’s desire to conquer the world or awaken an ancient god rather than rejecting some aspect of their child’s identity or otherwise abusing their kid.

With those pitfalls avoided, antagonistic parents generate mountains of delicious drama for your story. Naturally, the protagonist will likely be conflicted about fighting their own parents, and you can also show that reluctance on the parents’ side. This is especially useful if you’re setting up a redemption arc. Antagonistic parents also generate extra satisfaction when defeated because of their powerful connection to the hero. This isn’t just some random bad guy – this is a villain who matters.

There’s a reason so many fictional parents end up dead. It’s just not convenient to have characters around whose job is specifically to keep your hero out of trouble. But once you think about it some more, you’ll realize that’s not the only option. Parents don’t have to be a detriment to your story, and they can even be a strength.

How to Handle Conflict With Your Parents

Paul’s dad is pushing him to go to medical school. But Paul doesn’t want to become a doctor. He is interested in mechanical engineering and has been taking classes toward that degree. Despite Paul’s lack of interest in medicine, his dad isn’t letting up. Tension is growing. Paul and his dad are having a major conflict.

Beginning in our teen years, family conflict actually strengthens our sense of self. It helps us figure out who we are and what we believe and need. But during that process (and even long after), we may have differences with our parents.

As we work though our differences, we learn how to navigate conflict, hold our opinions and positions. When we try to work it out with our parents, we bring healthy conflict resolution skills to our adult relationships. Families, in fact, teach us how to handle conflict, or in many cases, how to avoid it. If we avoid, this pattern also follows us into our other adult relationships and creates problems.

Like Paul, you may not always see eye-to-eye with your parents. Yet, Scripture tells us to honor our mothers and fathers (Exodus 20:12) even when we don’t agree with them. So how do we honor parents and remain true to ourselves when conflict presents?

Here are five suggestions:

Don’t Avoid

Often, we dance around areas of family conflict instead of having a sit down conversation. It seems easier to avoid, but the pressure eventually builds up to the exploding point.

Avoidance does reduces stress for the moment, but the stress returns with a vengeance because the issue isn’t resolved. Better to address the issue when it occurs, then let it simmer for days or months.

Matthew 18:15 tells us to go to a person if we have a problem. Don’t avoid, minimize the issue, or hope it will go away. Healthy people address problems.

Speak the Truth in Love

The way you deal with conflict is more important than the fact that you have conflict. Parent-child conflict is normal, but if we come at our parents with a harsh start up, they simply get defensive. Then no one is listening.

Proverbs 15: 1 reminds us that a gentle word turns away wrath and a harsh word stirs up anger. So begin gently: Stick to the issue at hand and say how the problem impacts you. “Dad, I’m starting to feel resentful toward you because you are pushing your agenda. I don’t want to feel resentful, so we need to talk.”

Establish Boundaries

When your expectations differ from your parents, you need to establish boundaries. Obviously, this looks different depending on the situation, but establishing healthy boundaries is essential for any relationship.

In Paul’s case, he needs to tell his dad that his career decision needs to be his. While he appreciates his dad’s input, he would like his dad to respect his decision and not continue to badger him about a direction he does not want to pursue.

So, You Just Graduated College. Now What?

Forgive

Often, when family conflict erupts, it’s easy to harbor unforgiveness toward the parent we think is responsible. But it’s essential to learn to forgive. Forgiveness means we give up our right to be resentful.

Our parents can let us down, treat us poorly or do things that are not always in our best interests. They aren’t perfect. Forgiveness is a choice and an individual act that frees us from carrying around bitterness and resentment. Christ forgave us when we didn’t deserve it. He asks us to do the same for others. Forgiveness jump-starts the process of reconciliation.

Accept That Not All Things Will Get Resolved

Reconciliation takes two, and if one isn’t willing, you may have to accept that the difference will not get resolved. Not all conflict gets resolved, and yet people co-exist. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree without being disagreeable.

Focus on the positives of your relationships and extend grace. You can only control your part of a conflict and that is what God will hold you responsible for one day. So respond in love—be patient, kind, gentle and use self-control—all fruit of the spirit. Then agree to disagree so you can live in peace.

Bottom line: Conflict is woven into our daily lives. To deal with it, we need to talk. But the way we respond to any conflict matters. When we honor our parents by using these five tips, we can grow our relationships despite our differences.

Dr. Linda Mintle is a national speaker and best-selling author of over 15 books on relationships and mental health, including her latest, We Need to Talk: How to Successfully Navigate Conflict. She is the chair of the Division of Behavioral Health in the Department of Primary Care, at the College of Osteopathic Medicine at Liberty University. She is the host of The Dr. Linda Mintle Show and writes the BeliefNet blog Doing Life Together. She lives in Virginia.

As a coach, working with parents just comes with the territory. But, handling overzealous parents is never fun. And you know what we’re talking about here. These are the parents who show up at practice demanding to know why their son or daughter isn’t getting more playing time. Or, the ones that come up to you at halftime to let you know the combinations you used during the first half aren’t working, and they had some ideas that might win the game during the second half if you wanted to hear them.

You know, those parents.

Although working with these parents is never going to be our favorite thing, it is something that we have to learn to get better at. The good news is that there are steps you can take to cut down on the number of unpleasant instances during a season.

These steps and tips can help you not only retain your authority and credibility as basketball coach, but help improve communication between you, your players, and their parents. And open communication is the most important tool you have when it comes to working with parents.

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The Details Depend on Your Situation

Below you will find excellent strategies to prevent parent problems and actually get parents on your side.

However, the exact details of your strategies will depend on the age of your players, the type of league you are in, and your coaching philosophy.

For example, a youth team that allows for equal playing time will use a completely different parent letter than a high school varsity team that is expected to win. So choose the tips below that apply to your situation.

And although this report teaches how to handle difficult parents, it’s important to realize that you can’t, and shouldn’t try, to please everyone. It’s vital that you stand up for what you believe in and stay true to the coaching techniques you think work best. After all, you’re the coach, not the parents.

So, let’s jump in and learn how to make our coaching season go a bit smoother!

20 Surefire Strategies to Work with Difficult Parents (And Avoid Problems Before They Arise)

1. Have a Parent Meeting Before the Season Starts

You can nip a lot of problems in the bud simply by meeting with parents at the start of the season. Get to know them, and spend some time talking about your past coaching experience and how you’re going to manage this season. Make sure you go over what you expect from players, and what kind of practice schedule you’re going to keep.

What else should you bring up in the pre-season meeting?

2. Explain Your Coaching Philosophy

Parents and players both need to understand that playing time isn’t a right, it’s a privilege. So make sure this is clearly explained in the pre-season meeting with parents. Lay out exactly how you dole out playing time. Yes, it’s probably going to go to the hardest workers, but what do players really have to do to earn playing time? What do they have to know? Spell it out so that there’s no confusion.

If you coach a youth team and playing time is equal, parents need to know that. If not, you’ll get parents that think their kids should be playing more than others (so they can win the game).

Coach Koran Godwin, of www.JumpStartHoops.com and author of «Everyone Hates a Ball Hog but They All Love a Scorer», says that it’s important to tell parents how much you truly love all the kids on the team. Emphasize that the lessons you’ll be teaching them over the next few months will not only develop them as players, but as men and women. Bringing this up will help them remember that the biggest benefit of the sport isn’t about winning or playing time, it’s about personal development.

It’s also important to explain how you feel about things like sportsmanship, honesty, and ethical behavior. These values are important in sports, and parents should know that you’ll be on the lookout for these things in their kids.

It’s critically important for parents to understand your philosophy. This will eliminate countless problems down the road.

3. Require Players to Talk With You First

It’s important to explain that if someone has a problem with their lack of playing time, the player, not the parent, should talk with you first. In the real world, people must know how to communicate. And, this is a skill your players have to learn on the team.

This should be a rule that you explain during your first parent meeting, put it in your handbook, and remind parents during the year.

Parents and players also need to know that you’re going to be treating their kids like young men and women. Many younger players are used to having their parents «take care of things» for them (like calling the coach to get them more playing time!). Again, however, you need to make it clear that players need to speak with you first about any issues they have. If a player feels they deserve more playing time, then they should bring it up with you.

4. Create A Player Handbook

If your school or sports program doesn’t have any kind of player handbook created, then you need to make one before the season starts. The handbook needs to explain the rules of behavior, punishments, scheduling, and practices times. It also needs to detail game day expectations. For instance, will your players be required to dress up for travel to and from games? Will travel with the team on the bus to and from games be mandatory?

The more players and parents know about what you expect, the fewer problems you’ll have later on. See the next tip for some sample handbooks.

5. Create A Contract

After you create the player handbook, you need to create a contract for players and parents to sign. The contract will say that the players and their parents have read through the handbook, and promise to abide by the rules you’ve laid out.

Here are links to a few sample contracts and player handbooks for you to take a look at. You can use these contracts as examples and then change them to fit the needs of your athletic program.

6. The Coaches Constitution

Coach Koran Godwin has an interesting way to handle these issues in the pre-season. Some of these suggestions have already been mentioned in this report, but I think he has a very interesting approach to attack the problem. Here’s how it works in his own words:

In the pre-season every parent is happy. Their son just made the high school team and no one (including the kids) knows who is going to get the bulk of the playing time. This is the perfect time to let the parents and players know your philosophy and guidelines.

a. My number one goal was to show the parents that I love each and every one of the kids the same and that playing time has nothing to do with my personal views on a kid. I emphasize my will to develop them as young men and the lessons that they will learn over the next few months will prepare them for life.

b. After I dispel the myth that coach just doesn’t like or care about my son, I give the parent the Law of the land. «Do not call me about any playing time issues unless your kid talks to me first!» I explain to the parents that in order to prepare these kids for the future, the player has to be willing to communicate with adults and ask what they can do to earn more playing time. As parents they only see 10% of what their kid is doing. The 90% is in practice where John has to compete for playing time everyday. He knows exactly why Larry is getting more playing time than him but he doesn’t want to tell his parents he isn’t working as hard.

c. I tell players that I am going to treat them like young men and allow them to compete for playing time. If at any point in the season they feel that they deserve more, please approach me after practice and state your case. The player knows that once he states his case, the spotlight is now on him to perform and compete with the person in front of them. This method is especially effective for those kids who are used to having their parents get things done for them.

d. The coaches’ constitution fosters an environment of accountability and responsibility. I let the parents know that growth in these two areas will help mature their kids into productive members of society. I have had many conversations with kids over the years that have thanked me for giving them a platform to compete and mature as men.

7. Send a Parent Letter

You should write up a good parent letter (or maybe even contract) and send it to everyone. Not only can this prevent problems down the road, but this can also be a powerful tool that you can refer to when parents start complaining. The important thing is to document the proper things and give them to the parents so you can refer to the guidelines at a later date.

Here is a good sample letter for you to consider:

8. Implement the Value Point System

For experienced and more competitive teams (NOT early youth teams), one of the best ways to get parents to stop complaining about playing time is the implement the Value Point System. It’s a simple statistical system used in conjunction with simple coaching tactics and practice drills to improve player performance.

The system is a coach’s dream because it puts an end to disagreements about playing time. If someone does not agree with your decisions, simply show them the player’s rating.

The players will all know why they are not getting playing time. If parents don’t like the amount of time their child is getting, just tell them, «All your son or daughter needs to do is raise their VPS score. Here it is right here. If he/she does, then I’ll find them minutes.»

To learn more about the system check out this link:

9. Know Your System

Before you start your first practice make sure you clearly understand the rules and policies that are in place in your school district and athletic department. How do they enforce school policy and behavioral problems? Do any of the rules/procedures you have in your handbook conflict with school district or athletic department rules?

You need to have complete support from the administration if you’re going to be handling parental complaints. If a parent goes go over your head, then your administration needs to refer them right back to you.

10. Let Parents Watch Practice

Now this might sound like a recipe for disaster, but it’s not. Letting interested parents watch practice time will enable them to see how you run the show, how players behave, how you critique, and how you make decisions about who gets to play and who doesn’t.

Most importantly, parents will begin to «buy in» to your philosophy and tactics. As we all know, a big part of coaching is selling. And while you are selling your players on your philosophy, with enough repetitions, the parents will get sold on your philosophies and on you as a coach. Sometimes they just need to get to know you, understand you, and learn about your program. Letting them watch your practices is a great way to do that.

If you let them watch, however, make sure they understand that they have to be quiet.

11. Sell Your System

You want to know who your biggest fans are? Your players. If they trust you and believe in what you’re doing, then they’re going to defend you against their over-zealous parents. So, make sure your players understand why you’re doing things the way you are. Sell your system to them, and they’ll sell it to their parents.

12. Get Tough On Complaints

Coach Don Kelbick, of www.donkelbickbasketball.com, has been coaching for over 20 years. He says that it’s vital coaches lay down the law.

Although it’s important to listen to what parents have to say, it’s also important to stand up for what you’re doing. Remember, you’re the coach. If parents don’t like what you’re doing, then they can put their child in another school system to play under another coach.

Sound extreme? Well, sometimes giving parents a dose of reality can help bring them back down to earth.

13. Promote the Family Atmosphere

Many coaches try to promote a family atmosphere during games. If you want to, and you can pull it off, it could very well endear you to many of the parents. So, let them attend practice, and create a special section for them to sit in during games. This extra effort on your part might go much further than you think.

14. Find Opportunities and Playing Time for the Second Team

If you’re in a situation where you are not able to get everyone playing time, then you need to find opportunities for everyone. As a basketball coach, you owe it to the players on the team to get opportunities.

Find more JV games. Play a 5 th quarter with the second group. Contact other coaches to arrange «2 nd team» games. Arrange scrimmages.

Some kids just need an opportunity and need confidence. You’d be amazed how many players develop late and you never know who those kids will be.

If you never play these kids you are taking away their opportunity. If they bust their butts in practice, then you owe it to them to find them games! Not enough coaches make the effort needed to get all their players plenty of experience.

15. Designate A Parent Liaison

Coach Koran Godwin says that having a parent liaison is vital. Think about it; you’re basically the end-all, be-all of the team. A parent can start talking to you after practice about the upcoming holiday schedule and end up screaming at you because their kid isn’t getting enough playing time.

This is why you should assign one parent, preferably the parent of a kid who plays a lot, to be your point of contact. Any communication from parents needs to go through your liaison first. He or she filters out the fluff and then sends the rest on to you.

16. Provide Parents with Tips to Contribute

Simply offering parents some tips and guidance can improve the attitude and moral of everyone involved. All most all parents truly want to help but they don’t usually know how. By educating them you can divert their energy towards things that will be positive to your program.

17. Stay Out of the Stands

Coach Godwin also recommends that you stay out of the stands during the season. After all, plenty of parents will want to talk with you before or after games. But, is this really where your attention needs to be?

Probably not. You need to be focusing on your players, not their parents. If you want to get to know your players’ parents, then summer and fall leagues are the best time to do it since those are generally looser and almost everyone has a chance to play.

18. No Talking on Game Days

You should establish a rule that parents are not allowed to speak with you about playing time or any issues on «game day». Those conversations must be scheduled for another day. Emotions are too high during game time and these issues can be handled much more effectively at a different time.

So, make it a rule that you won’t talk with any parents before or after games unless it’s an emergency. And, it’s smart to bring this up in your initial parent meeting, as well as putting it in your handbook. Remind parents the reason for this: you’re there to help their children become better players.

19. Schedule A Private Meeting

If a parent comes to you and wants to start yelling on the court, absolutely insist they set up a private meeting with you the next day. It’s not good for the players, and the other parents, to witness an argument. So, take it off the court. Setting up a next-day meeting will also give you time to prepare.

Before you meet with that parent, spend some time thinking about why they might be upset. Is it their child’s playing time? Is there a conflict with another player? Coming up with various scenarios can help you see things from that parent’s point of view.

It’s also a good idea if you can get someone else (like an assistant coach or athletic director) to sit in on the meeting as well. This might help the parent be more objective, as well as providing you with another set of ears.

20. Calmly Handle Blowouts

No matter how hard you work to prevent it, there are always going to be some irate or overzealous parents to handle. It just comes with the territory of being a coach. So how can you handle the big blowouts when they happen?

First, listen. Let the parent have their say and don’t interrupt them.

When it’s your turn to speak, then explain your point of view slowly and clearly. And, keep your focus on their child. Don’t do comparisons between their child and another player.

If the parent starts raising their voice, then resist the urge to match their tone. Keep speaking in a calm voice at normal volume. And, try to keep your comments on the positive end.

You can even offer to allow the parent to come to practice so they can see what is actually happening. Besides, how can the parent have an opinion unless they have been to all the practices?

At the end of the meeting, make sure you thank the parent for voicing their concerns with you, and let them know you’ll take them under consideration. After the parent has left, ask the person who sat in on the meeting how they thought you did. Was there anything you could have done better or differently? Getting this honest feedback can really help you handle these challenging situations in the future.

Coaches / Resources Contributing to this Report

Here’s a list of coaches and resources that have somewhere along the way contributed or given us ideas for this report.

Please leave your comments and suggestions below.

Most Likes First Oldest First Newest First Jeremy says:
4/24/2022 at 10:24:42 PM
My mom she keeps talking to me and I would like her right now to stop talking to me and no longer come in my room and stop with her stupid bug and parasite nonsense there is none she has a mental illness and I would like for her to sell Piper so we no longer have a dog anymore my mom comes in my room and says take Piper out for a pee and I’m getting sick of her coming in my room saying take Piper out for a pee so I would like my mom to sell Piper so we no longer have a dog anymore.
My mom she keeps talking to me and right now I would like her to permanently stop talking to me and stop with the stupid bug and parasite nonsense right now there is none she has a mental illness.
My mom she keeps talking to me I would like her to stop talking to me right now and to stay out of my room.
My Mom she was talking to me again I would like her right now to stop talking to me and to stay out of my room.
I would like your opinion of playing Seniors on JV. I feel it hinders the development of younger players however our school has no policy against it and we currently have a Senior playing 4 quarters of JV basketball.
I actually don»t have a player but I used to coach some of the kids who are now Freshmen & Sophomores and the parents keep coming to me for advice.
I see a kid who has devoted himself to a program in a small school getting to play, but not good enough for varsity. Good kid, but in a region where it»s hard to find enough games when are the younger kids going to get the experience they need??
My mom she keeps talking to me and I would like her to stop talking to me right now and to stay out of my room and stop with this ridiculous bug nonsense saying there’s bugs and there is no bugs.
My freshman daughter made varsity but was also rostered on jv and the head coach has communicated no expectations to our daughter. Have concerns about the committment level and how it might impact her school work but nothing from the coaches. Am I out of bounds for being concerned? I won’t giver her permission to play until what is expected of her is made clear. again is that wrong?
As a coach and a parent I can relate to things from both sides most times.
Someone above from a parents perspective said something really freaking stupid:
Maybe it is an insult to your kid but it’s still YOU and YOUR KIDS fault. If we’re talking about a worthy kid that doesn’t get playing time they deserve that’s different. If we’re talking about your kid sucks then take your kid out of sports if they can’t handle the bench. Too many parents today think sports is art class. Sports keep score because beating the other team is the point. If your kid can’t pull their weight then they don’t belong on the field/court. Plain and simple. There’s no socialism in sports. If you don’t like your kids playing time, and that playing time is based on your kids lack of ability then get your lazy butt out in the yard with them and practice.
«As a Parent you go to see you kid play not sit on the bench not to see any other kid. and if a kid of any age from 8-18 doesn’t have the skills set to play on the other kids level and that’s the reason why they don’t play Shame. on the coach!! yes I said it (Shame. on the coach!! ) if you are going to have 10-12 players in you team teach your kids show them the ropes don’t find excuse that you don’t have time for basic fundamental because 98% of the coaches all they care is about W/L and not creating the love for the game, also put them in the game you have 10-12 player used them!!»
Get your lazy butt out in the yard and teach your kid to play. It’s not the coaches responsibility to play step daddy to every single mom that gets knocked up and can’t find a step dad to get out in the yard and play catch with her son. You are responsible for making sure your kid has the proper equipment. You are responsible for making sure your kid knows which hand the glove goes on. You are responsible for making sure your kid doesn’t come to little league practice with a plastic glove out of one of those 10 dollar Easter baskets from Walmart. Some people can’t take any responsibility for their own predicaments. I’ve never seen a coach that didn’t «show basic fundamentals». The problem is parents sit around on their cell phone, gossiping about other parents or other kids, drop their kid off and go to the hair salon, etc and don’t bother to watch the drills the coach does with the kids. Why should you watch the drills the coach does with the kids? So you can go your lazy butt home and do them with your kid. He’s their coach, not their personal trainer. (I’ve done all 3, parent, coach, personal train.) Stop expecting the coach to do your parenting for you.
Yeah here’s the problem with coaches today and their waivers/contracts. Outlining behavior for parents at sporting events/etc is stepping out of your lane. If we’re talking about a school setting or whatever here, the parents not only pay the taxes that keep that school afloat they also pay your wages, your benefits and all that off time you get during summers/Christmas, etc. For some reason everyone thinks their the damn monarchy of whatever they’re involved in. For example schools telling kids whether they can have social media accounts, what they can do on social media accounts, punishing kids for things that happen in their off time, etc. If you know what’s good for you’ll keep your nose in your business and keep it out of the kids/families private business. Otherwise you might get it pushed in. I think alot of us Americans are sick and fired of the micro management from a bunch of administrative dumbasses that think they’re life coaches. Stick to doing things on the field, stay out of what goes on off the field. That’s not your business.
Also, it may be your athlete, but it’s their kid. If you’re a dumbass putting their kid at risk because you don’t know how to coach any other way than trying to be a Bear Bryant rip off then the problem is you, not the parent who actually understands science and physiology when it comes to practicing with a fever, practicing in the heat after the flu/corona virus, dehydration, whatever. Making a kid practice who is dehydrated is not making them «tough». Toughness doesn’t affect thirst, thirst is a negative feedback loop to let you know your body is dehydrated. Small town country bumpkin coaches always using the «get tougher» excuse for EVERY situation, not just the appropriate ones, has ruined many good athletes and or athletic careers. Being a hard ass is not a substitute for coaching skill or basic knowledge of human physiology.
There’s too much stupid on both sides of the isle now days. Idiot coaches and idiot parents. Coaches that want to interfere in personal lives, coaches that want to force specialization (1 sport focus year round) on kids as young as 8. Coaches that don’t know what they’re doing so they just try to go overboard on the «if you don’t die you made the team» because they don’t know how to coach. Then of course there’s the parents that think their kid shouldn’t have to run because they don’t like getting sweaty (sports isn’t for you then pumpkin), parents that think the coach is responsible for the kids lack of athleticism or practice at home, etc. Pure stupidity on both ends in too many instances these days.
You made a good point when you talked about how you can prevent a lot of problems by simply meeting with the parents before the season starts. My brother is wanting to coach a youth basketball program for his church, but he doesn’t have much experience working with younger kids. I think it would be a good idea for him to find an online resource that offers tips on how to work with kids when coaching basketball.
Hello,
I have a 9 year old son. Who has been getting attention from AAU, travel, and now a jr nba coaches.
Recently at my sons game, one coach whom I agreed to let my son tryout with saw me speak to the coach of a different organization.
He later asked the question how many teams we were trying out with?
I told him I hadnt committed to any team and was looking for a spot for my son to play in the future.
I then said something to the effect that he didnt want any of his players playing or working out with any other teams and it was coaches etiquette.
I didnt like this because my son hadnt been offered anything other than a tryout from this coach. So I asked him what he meant he made some excuse up and said hed be right back with me then went to talk to someone else.
This isnt my 1st time around the block and I happen to personally know atleast one basketball player who plays with multiple organizations.
What do you think of a coach saying he doesnt want me to even tryout with any other organizations just because he offered a tryout?
Hard to say without hearing the context. A good club organization will have clear expectations outlined for you (whether he can play for other team, consequences for missing practice/games, etc). 9 years is also really young to get too concerned with this stuff. Let him play and have fun. I think having a good coach that teaches fundamentals and character is most important thing. If you are concerned with a coach character, go somewhere else.
Take it one game and one practice at a time. There will be ups and downs. Try to build up the players confidence. Maybe ask why they are upset? Maybe there is miscommunication. Maybe explain it’s ok to make mistakes. the best players in the world make mistakes all the time.
I think you solve one problem at a time and do the best you can. If you have questions on specific problems let us know.
Next season hopefully you can set expectations early on and avoid some of the issues. With that said there are some rules you can implement now: like no talking to coach about issues until 36 hours after game, etc.
Great website awesome advise and comments. My comment is. Iv’e often wondered why coaches go to seminars and or consult with other coaches on game strategy but if a parent has a idea or strategy it is automatically excluded as a viable idea to take action on. I guess it’s that same dynamic you find in a disfunctional businesses where the subordinate has a great idea but the company culture says. it’s not a good idea unless it’s the bosses idea. John Lennon was right «There are no problems only solutions» It shouldn’t matter where the solution comes from. #youregoisyourdownfall
I am in the midst of a difficult season for my 10th grade daughter. She made varsity this year and has struggled through a season with a few minutes (7 games with no minutes). Maybe as a surprise, I am not mad about playing time. She is behind some college bound players and thought this was a great opp for her to learn. I am angry though that the coaches have given 0 time developing or even verbally encourage her. After a recent practice, I met my daughter at school and when I saw her she broke down. In one of the last practices of the season the coach spent the entire practice yelling at her virtually no one else and chiding her when she struggled to make some end of practice free throws (this was confirmed as teammates sent her texts after). I have no issue with yelling/tough coaching but this came at the end of a season where there has been no positive feedback and zero atta girls. She is good player, great student, known as the hardest worker and loves the game but the coaches are destroying her. I did speak to the coach and asked for a meeting to understand what happened, explained she was emotionally wrecked and borderline on quitting. His response, «It’s called coaching», and walked away. Next day at practice the staff never spoke to her once. Our AD loves the coach and unsure if going to the principal is the right move as I am afraid of retribution for her with other sports as this is a small private school. Any perspective would be appreciated.
MI
Just curious how this ended for you guys.
Is there a possibility we can update parent letter links that no longer work?
This article was helpful but things have gotten out of hand. First I would like to say that I have coached softball for 3 three years and won 2 championships. Second, I am now coaching girls JH basketball. (Each because my daughter plays).
At the beginning of the season I explained to those parents who asked, as well as to the girls, that I will focus on playing as a team because each girl is at a different level and they need to learn to work together. I also teach fundamentals in the process. I also told everybody involved that I am open to ideas or questions. They can join a practice or watch. (A few parents used to coach)
Today I was given a letter stating that parents are complaining that I swear, I yell and I threaten these kids. Also that the girls are not learning anything.
1. The parents did not follow the chain of command.
2. I do not yell. My girls thank me for that because other coaches do yell.
3. I do not swear. I am a coach with high regards on the softball field. Does this sound like a coach who swears?
4. Threatening the girls? Telling them they will run laps if they do not listen and are goofing around instead is not a threat but something all coaches do.
5. If there are girls who feel they are not learning anything, then they are not listening when I talk or they think they are better than everybody else. However each of the 10 girls have improved greatly!
6. These other parents have coached these girls and never won. We have only won 2 of 7 but we have also been playing teams with 9th and 10th graders where mine is 70% 7th graders and the others in 8th.
7. One parent has 2 girls on the team. And this is the parent stirring the pot. Her girls do not listen to me at all because they listen to her. Even at our games which honestly messes everything up. When 2 do not listen then the other girls become confused.
Everything I am being accused of is so absurd!! How can people be so horrible? Why lie to cause problems?
I have an MBA and a BS in Communications. Coaching sports for my children has always been a dream and something I was good at. I feel it being crushed over nothing. What can I do?
That is very unfortunate, Coach B.
I have a read a book called the Politics of Coaching by Carl Pierson that seems to have a lot of good advice. Maybe you should check it out.
I am no expert in this regards, so I feel a little hesitant to give advice on the topic.
Personally, I would talk to the administration. Have the parents and administration attend your practices. Heck, have them video tape them if they’re worried.
But be very calm and almost giggle about how silly the letter is. «Oh jeez. Tell them to video tape the practices if they want.»
Unfortunately, if you want to keep your job in today’s environment, you do have to play the politics game. That’s why I recommend the book.
That’s part of the reason I stopped coaching teams the last couple of years and just focus on player development currently. It wasn’t worth the headaches.
If a parent has influence, the negative talk can spread like a virus with frustrated parents. Groupthink is very common and critical thinking is not so common.
This can be frustrating. Most parents are great. But every coach will experience parents stirring the pot at some point.
This would be for the future, but at the beginning of the season I tell the parents via meeting and/or letter that it’s critical for them to be supportive of the coach and the program, even if you disagree with the coach. By complaining about the coach, only one thing can happen. it will hurt the team. Nothing positive can come from it for your child or the team.
We also tell parents there is NO coaching and yelling instruction from the sideline. Only positive cheering.
Regarding this letter, is it signed by other parents? Who is it coming from? I would review this letter with the person(s) that wrote it. I would then go through it line by line. can you give me an example of when I have done this? Can you tell my why you think I have done this?
If it’s truly a lie and this parent is getting everyone against you based on lies, I would put a stop to that immediately. I would seriously consider removing the players from the team if this parent continues this. You have to take into account what is best for the entire team. It’s rare you have to remove players from a team, but there are some occasions when that is best. Those are tough decisions. You just try to help as many kids as possible. That’s all you can do.
Both of you gave great advice. The letter was written by the superintendent and she is the only one who signed it. I talked to her today and things were strange. I told her that everything in that letter describes a different coach whom my players have thanked me for not being like. Everything I had to say was truthful. She told me she had to do her job in writing the letter and it is just a little reminder. It is 2+ parents. Honestly I know which three and that two jumped on board because one started things. Ironically, I have the mother of my captain ready to step in because she has known these parents for years and they always cause problems. However this parent also hears positive things about me because my captain tells her.
After talking to the administration today, I was told that they were investigating me by talking to my girls.
In the end it comes down to keep doing what I am doing. I have not lost the position but I feel as if I have.
Don Kelbick game some great advice as a coach a few years back.
1/3 of the players are going to like you. 1/3 of the player are not going to like you. 1/3 of the of the players are going to be indifferent.
The key is to keep the indifferent ones away from the ones that don’t like you.
I think the same holds true for coaching.
Focus on the fact that the majority of parents do NOT have a problem with and probably even like you.
As humans, we tend to remember/focus on the negative aspects of situations. it’s a survival trait we developed when tigers used to chase us through jungles.
I’m certainly guilty of this. I think you need to constantly remind yourself to analyze the situation objectively.
Okay. two parents want me fired? That’s probably a good thing only two want you fired. That means the majority of people want you there. I’ve had worse situations.
Focus on developing good relationships with the ones who don’t want you fired. Forget about the others.
There are things beyond your control that will make it nearly impossible to influence the ones that don’t like you. It could be something as stupid as your eyebrows remind them of a horrible ex boyfriend/girlfiend and it triggered negative emotions when they first met you. it sounds silly, but if you study human behavior.. crap like that happens.
It could be that they’ve had some horrible things happen to them in their lives and they redirect those negative feelings to other parts of their lives.
You are right. I should not focus on the negative parents or aspects of the situation. One parent whom I believed to be involved, showed up to practice and watched the last half hour. She did not have anything to say other than she was glad that the letter wasn’t what I thought it was. I mentioned to her that today we worked a little on shooting form. With each hand. She saw me blow the whistle a couple times to show the girls what went wrong with certain drills. This mom picks her daughter up every day. She sees me and is not afraid to talk or listen.
I’m going to be blunt. That sounds like a crappy situation.
The coach probably thinks he’s doing the right thing. But these tactics are very old, outdated, and they don’t work.
I would do some research on the relationships with the administration. They may not approve of that behavior. AT ALL. Any decent administration would take immediate action.
Also, I wouldn’t complain too much about it with your son. Try to focus on what you can control and that’s staying positive and proactive with him.
«All you can do is play as hard as you can and do the things the coach asks.»
«Sometimes, you are going to face situations you don’t like, but what reveals real character and whether you’ll be successful or not is how you handle things when they start to get tough.»
Even though, it stinks. I would try to teach him some life lessons from it.
I have read many comments. I starting coaching when my daughter wasn’t getting enough playing time she played in a recreational league we paid for registration so it wasn’t free. she was 10 yr old
I started coaching after that season even though on records doesn’t seem quite great we have won 4 championships in 4 yrs we never won on the first 8-10 games in all 4 seasons ( all teams makes play-offs) I had players from great players to players that doesn’t even know how to dribble the basketball to me is not about winning or losing (nobody want to lose )when you are building a house you always start from the bottom and up with great solid foundation and then very strong pillars and walls and you have a well structure home.all the players I coached play equal playing time by far I haven’t had any parents approach me with any issues or concern and by the way I do not have any rules ( on what the have to do to earn playing time) i don’t have meetings with parents if you always do the right thing and in your heart you are doing it not for you but most importantly for the kids you have accomplished Greatness.
Started out at youth level, 3rd grade and going into our 2nd Modified season I have kept the same core of players during Summer AAU also.
Some problems that I’ve seen over the years comes mainly from the parents themselves Jeff.
1.] I’m not a taxi driver nor do I play one on TV.
This has gotten out of control over the years.
Yes I want a full 10 kids at my practice so I can go over both offense and defense and not have me or my assistant having to play because of not enough players. We have done more than enough over the years.
3.] Institute the 24 Hour rule before season starts. If a parent or coach is upset wait 24 hours and calm down before making that telephone call.
4.] When your elementary kids grow up and are entering the 7 and 8th grades (modified) and they play for both the school program and a travel team, make it easy on them and try to use the same offense the school coach was teaching them. If not you will have mass confusion at times.
5.] Summer Basketball camps, best thing for both player and parent. Send them with another team member or friend. They will love it and they start to learn independence.
Time to move on, work on her game. She should talk to the JV and Varsity coach and ask what she needs to work on to be a better player for next year. Hopefully, they will give her a straight answer.
The younger one says he has a story to tell me about his older brother (who was now in college stuying to be a pharmacist) Bear with me.
He tells me that his brother wrote a paper in college about and he were ME never yelling at him. and he wanted to know what it felt like.
So, one day he messes up at practice, I calmly ( yes calmly ) explain how I want it done. we do another repetition and he messes it up again. I stop practice and calmly ( yes calmly ) explain it again. He proceeds to mess it up again. so I stop practice and NOT so calmly explain HOW to do it. and yes, you guessed it, he messed it up again. and YES, I WAS NOT SO CALM. I proceeded to go off on him to make it very clear how to do it.
Now he does it perfectly and I don’t know how he kept a straight face all this time. heck, he got his wish LOL
When the younger kid got married I confronted him at the wedding and we all had a good laugh. By the way, he got an A on the paper.
Sorry for the very late response. Been running around to play-off games. My daughter’s team lost, so they are now out of play-offs and won»t make the state tournament.
Now it’s on to track and travel ball (AAU). I will definitely keep you posted as to what happens next year. She should get a lot of playing time as long as she continues to hustle. She will be a Senior. Take care:)
I’m glad that your daughter is happy now. I love your answer to the other parents. Nice of you to give me an update.
«The coach’s system is weird and archaic, but is doing the same thing that has worked for 20 years. The coach is a very successful coach and has won state a few times.»
Are they kidding me? I don’t care if he is using peach baskets and old leather balls. he was won the state tourney a couple of times?? Coaches dream of getting downstate to the big games.
The things your daughter is doing in practice is only going to make her better. Does she really know everything that their best player is going to do? She can help her teammates by letting them know if she can get it across to them.
I hope this team gets downstate. it is a dream and a great experience for players and coaches alike.
With the way things are going, maybe you could be a liason between the team / parents and him. Try to get a little parent support group going where everyone can cheer for the team.
You are very welcome, its always nice to be able to give back to the game, players/coaches and parents.Let me know if they make it downstate.
Hi Ken, Hope all is well. Not sure if you are interested, but I wanted to give you an update on how things are going with my daughter.
She is happy with her role on varsity for now. She gets a little playing time, but it’s during what I believe most coaches and bball enthusiasts refer to as (garbage ball). When her team is blowing out another team by at least 18-20 points and it’s in the 4th quarter of the game. She understands that there are 6 seniors ahead of her and she has to basically pay her dues.
The coach only goes 8 deep (there are 12 players on the team). The 6 Seniors play the most and the other 2 players who play are Juniors in which one will be the starting point guard next year, so she is the 6th player off the bench. The other Junior is a center. My daughter is a forward and there are 2 seniors ahead of her in that position. The other 4 (who sit the bench) is a Freshman, Sophomore, my daughter and one other Junior.
The team is preparing for playoffs and they have really bonded and should hopefully do well. Parents approach me and say that they don’t understand why the coach won’t play my daughter more, especially in games where they lost. I just smile and let them know that she will have her turn to get plenty of playing time next year. The coach’s system is weird and archaic, but it’s been the same thing for 20 years and it works, but he should change with the times a bit. The coach is a very successful coach and has won state a few times.
She will run track in the spring and play travel ball in the summer, so there is no bad feelings. She is happy and I think that is the main thing. Thanks again for all of your advice along the way!
Thats a tough one, especially since he is the AD. I would tread lightly with this one. I wonder what HE is telling his dad?
Since I don’t know the entire situation ( or can see it ) I might say something like it does seem like he has lost some of his confidence and it has hurt his game. We are trying to work at this during our practices.
What age group is this? Why has his playing time dwindled? Why has he lost some of his confidence? Have you sat down and talked to Hunter about this? Made any suggestions to him? Just some food for thought here.
Tonight I received an email from a parent (who also happens to be the AD) with the following question:
Why has Hunters playing time went from a lot to nothing? And why does he have no confidence?
That is all that was in the entire email. Any advice?
All I can tell you is how I would handle this. you say these players have been practicing the whole 1st semester? So, at least they know what’s going on and understand the system.
I wouldn’t just put them in a starting role, they would have to earn that by playing and practicing hard, and beating someone out of his position. I would give them some playing time if they earned it.
Every coach handles things differently, but it is his right to make that decision. Hopefull he will make them earn playing time and then a starting role if they can. I take it that you are a parent? IF I was in this situation, I would tell my son to work hard and make sure that no one takes my playing time away. or at least NOT ALL OF IT.
Give those kids some credit. they practiced the entire semester knowing they were not going to play, they worked hard and got their grades up. No one should hold that against them. they already paid their dues.
My second year at our high school, we had one kid who was ineligible the first semester. he worked hard in practice and and got passed the first semester, now he was eligible. he got his share of playing time, I cant remember if he ever started, but he did play. Head coaches decision.
Our small high school team has 5 players that have been practicing with the team. All 5 were academically ineligible 1st semester and are now are academically eligible. How would you handle the situation as parents and players are asking how the coach is going to sort out playing time and starting spots.
IF this is allowed to continue, it could destroy the team and maybe the coaches career.
Ok so there is a parent of a girl on the basketball team who thinks they can do a better job than the coach. He used to coach the girls in junior high. The girls are just younger and aren»t used to the competition. But the actual coach is good and has been doing this job well for years.
This other guy held a practice for the girls on a Saturday and didn»t let the HS coach know. I find this very inappropriate. What are peoples thoughts on this?
I don’t know whether or not you have done this before the season, maybe you could write a little something about your philosophy of the game. fundamentals, how to play the game and having fun. Along with getting theme ready to play at the next level.
Maybe another short paragraph regarding how you will deal with things. If anyone has any problems please call me and we will set up a time where we can meet to discuss the situation. (If you think the situation might get out of hand, involvethe AD or whoever is in charge)
After that I would not answer any more of her emails or other types of messages. JMO
Take a look at the article above and look at some of the points that could help you, good luck.
I coach a fifth grade girls basketball team for my daughter’s team. We are a small town and I did not grow up here and neither did my husband, which, by all standards of the «locals», makes me an outsider. In all other activities that my children have been involved in, I have not had any problems. I took over this team this year after fourth and fifth grade seasons where the girls were undercoached by a young gal who lacked coaching ability and understanding of how to teach the fundamentals needed for fifth grade.
Needless to say, though most of the parents are glad and appreciative of having a coach with a new philosophy, it has become grossly apparent that one particular parent (who grew up in the small town) is not appreciative of the new philosophy. I have no issues with her daughter; in fact, she is one of my best players. This mother’s issue is with MY daughter, who is also one of the better players on the team. My daughter is very aggressive player and does get emotional when playing, but not to a point that I consider unsportsmanlike. The other mother does not agree.
My question is: do I worry about this? She will only engage conversation with me via email or messaging even though I have made it clear several times that I wished to speak with her in person. How do I engage her in conversation without coming off as an attack? I have an assistant coach who grew up with her in this town but she does not attack her.
Please help!
Welcome to the wonderful world of coaching. there are so many good coaches in the stands. they never lose a game.
I would sit down with those girls and explain to them what they need to do IF they are going to get any playing time. IF they are purposely going against your philosophy and what you want done on the floor and in practice. #1 don’t start them, #2 cut their playing time or let them sit for a couple of games until they come around to your wishes. MAKE SURE THAT YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH THE AD FIRST
I think that if this were me, my 1st step would be to meet with them and explain what you are trying to do. ask them IF they would like to help out as long as they are willing to be on the same page. You can be open to suggestions if you want.
The next step would be to talk to your AD and discuss the situation. maybe have a meeting with him and the ladies in question
Thanks for the advice. I am a volunteer coach for my daughter»s 8th grade team. No other parent was willing to coach. I agreed to do it when asked by the athletic director. I have 9 girls on my team. this is my 2nd year and I have two very critical parents. They send me not very nice emails, are very loud and critical in the stands, tell their daughters what to do on the court, and tell me who I should give the least amount of playing time to. Unfortunately, it is making my job very stressful. Practices are difficult because their daughters do not respect me and games are hard because their daughters are going against the team plan. I am standing strong and holding my own, but it sure makes coaching harder than it needs to be.
I hope things work out for her. I gave you my best stories. I will have to dig deep in the archives for any that good. LOL
You’re right. We can not protect them forever and I agree that it is time for her to figure it out on her own and I hope she does.
Honestly, I’m not going to worry about it. Things have a way of working themselves out,
Again, thanks for everything Ken and I will drop you a note when it’s time for another story or if I have an important update 🙂
She is happy and that is important. she is going to figure this out now. «how am I going to get some playing time?»
I hope things work out for her. and you so you can have some peace of mind. I guess we can’t protect them forever can we? 🙂
It is very hard to figure out. The problem with keeping her on JV is the fact that she is far more advanced and has already started all games and dominates all JV games so there is no challenge, nor any development. She is a junior this year.
Also, she is clearly better than some of the players on varsity now. The players I am referring to are seniors. I am not speaking solely from a parent’s eye. I’m going by what other people tell me as well. Since those players are seniors they will play ahead of my daughter. When she played with varsity during fall league she really showed that she is capable of playing with varsity and really contributing. Remember, they put her on the opposing team’s best player.
That’s why I feel as if the coach is playing head games. She has to earn her spot and I think he is telling her, you can not just come on this team and play right out (good or not).
Currently, there are 6 seniors on the team and 4 juniors. My daughter should be starting next year, but how is she going to develop if she can’t practice the offense.
It’s still very early and we don’t know what can happen in the course of the season. I will tell her to continute to work hard and if things don’t change, will have her talk to the coaches. I really like to get your point of view because you have a lot of coaching wisdom. I guess since she is happy that is all I should care about 🙂 Thanks!
I read this and re read it several tmes. just trying to figure this out. From a players standpoint, a parent’s standpoint and from the coaches.
If this was me, I would have probably left her on the JV team so she would get some playing time.
My advice is for your daughter to work as hard as she can in practice to prove that she deserves some PT on both ends of the floor.
Is he doing this because she has to miss some practices or games due to academic things? I don’t know. It seems like she has a good relationship with the asst. coach. have her sit down and talk to him/her about what she needs to do and ask why she doesn’t get any offense time on the floor.
I would be interested in his answer.
That’s great you had 5 levels. There are 4 levels on the boy’s side at daughter’s school, but the number of girls playing basketball is dwindling.
Wow a lawyer now!! You are an inspirational coach!!
I think I have another head game story for you. Tell me what you think:
Daughter came home today and announced that she is sure she will be riding the bench this year. I asked her why she thought that. She said that since official practice has started, she has not been rotated in to practice the offensive plays.
She says that when ALL of the other players practice the offensive plays she has to remain on defense at all times. She is the only person on the team who is not allowed to practice the offensive plays. (even a girl who is leaving the school in December is allowed to practice the offensive plays)
Luckily my daughter knows the plays already. This just does not make sense to me. We both figured that her playing time would be limited, but doesn’t she still need to practice the plays? I was thinking that the coach is doing this because my daughter is the last person to make varsity. Just guessing.
Would you or have you done anything like this in the past with your teams? is this normal procedure or is this another head game? Thanks!
I am a crafty ole bird. or sneaky, take your pick LOL
I’m glad that her coach understood, its something she has to do. bottom line, academics come first.
I kept some kids that maybe I shouldn’t have, but I had the luxury of having 5 levels at our school. Frosh A & B, Sophomore, JV and Varsity. One year this small sophomore came into my office and sat down, tears in his eyes. tells me that he was not coming out for the team next year. I asked him why and he said, in case you haven’t noticed I am 5′ tall. I told him that I didn’t care, its what is in your heart that counts. you are a good kid, someone that can be a leader to the lower levels. the kind of kid I want in my program. He stayed for the next two years.
He is a lawyer now.
LOL well at least practicing the play in practice gave him the opportunity to shoot his 3 ball lol. Awesome strategy Coach Sartini lol.
The team practices 6 days a week. My daughter just had to tell the varsity coach that she will miss 3 practices next week because she has to go on an overnight retreat for one of her classes and the retreat is REQUIRED. If it were her choice, she would not go. She was worried the coach would be mad and kick her off the team.
When she told him, he was irritated, but understood that the retreat is for a grade. There were no other dates available for the retreat except in February where she would miss games.
Talk about head games. I am still trying to figure out what he’s doing. We are all a little different you know. LOL
Good for her, he is trying to make everybody better I would imagine. Your daughter can try to be a leader on and off the floor. Keep smiling and work hard.
Yes Ken you are right. «he is some treat» LOL Thanks for the smiley:)
Just found out from talking to the jv coach that she knew the whole time that my daughter was going to make varsity, but she (the jv coach) could not say anything to my daughter. All I could say was WOW.
What you just described is what my daughter does. She takes the easy shots and leaves the low percentage shots for the «shooters» she primarily gets her points off of put-backs and lay-ups from stealing the ball on a fast break or getting to the block fast.
She is smiling from ear to ear now and is having fun because she is where she wants to be. Since practice has started for the season, things are more intense during practice, the coach is even harder and she is taking it in stride:)
This guy is some treat. (probabloy what a lot of people were saying about me).» everyone knows that defense and hustle is my daughter»s strength» I think we figured him out this summer. maybe he is just challenging her so she will work hard to be the best player she can be? IF I were you, I wouldn»t push her too hard about scoring. it might not be in the coaches game plan. but take the easy shots.
He had her cover the other teams best player. how did that work out for her? Did she do well. try to answer as just someone in the stands
Well, IF she can rebound, just put the ball back up and in if its a offensive one. defensively, chin it, pivot and outlet the ball and run the floor. Get to the block fast and you might get some easy ones.
A few things here. she needs to stop worrying about him so much. as long as she is doing what he is teaching. Play with confidence and she will play better AND remember to have some FUN.
Sorry for the delayed response.
Thank you so much. I think the coach was evaluating her work ethic. There was another junior who was playing with varsity in fall league withmy daughter, and the other girl did not make the varsity roster. She was placed back with jv. She did not have the same work ethic as my daughter.
The coach already hinted to my daughter that the her defense needs to get even better because that is what is going to get her playing time, NOT her offense ( I want my daughter to prove him wrong), but everyone knows that defense and hustle is my daughter’s strength. She is not a shooter (although she will shoot when she needs to). She also rebounds.
I’ll continue to update you and I will be asking for another story soon LOL.
I cant figure out why that coach was playing with her mind. we can be strange birds sometimes.
I’m glad that I could help you through this. key word HELP. you and your daughter especially were the ones that got it done!!
Let me know how this goes and I will dig into my archives to see if I can come up with another good story when things are getting tough.
Well I’m finally here to tell you that my daughter received the news she has been waiting for.
She made the varsity team. YES.
Phew. What an ordeal. After weight training today, the coach called her back into the weight room after everyone left and said to her «Congratulations, you made the varsity team. Keep up the good work» The assistant coach told her she would get her varsity locker in 2 days.
She is estatic and I am very happy for her. Thanks Ken for all of your support, stories and wisdom. It all really helped us tremendously to get through all of this. Now she has to try to earn some playing time LOL..
Thanks Ken! As soon as she finds out. I will let you all know 🙂
I’m glad that you enjoyed the stories. and of course winning the games makes them a lot funnier.
Your daughter’s patience is being tested. along with yours. I would be surprised if she didn’t make the varsity team after all of this.
Maybe the coach is trying to make her a leader? See how she reacts under adversity??
Like I said before, us coaches are a weird group at times LOL
I wish her well and I hope she has a great season. let us know how it goes.
Sorry for the delayed response Ken. LOL That was another hilarious game time story and you are right, the laughter is helping us get through this craziness with my daughters bball coach/program. Wish you were her coach:)
Thanks for all of your wisdom and the stories. She is still hanging in there, working hard and staying positive. She has a great bond with the girls on the var team and when she plays in the jv game (helping out), she dominates completely. It’s apparent, she no longer belongs on jv. When she plays with varsity it’s challenging but you can tell that’s where she belongs. So we have a few more weeks to go and by then, she should know where she will be.
The game was great. and the kid spitting in my face was really funny. and I think I shocked the kids with my reaction. calm and stoic. very unlike me on the bball floor LOL
I hope this guy puts her on the varsity. amazing that she is playing with two teams, so I cant imagine him putting her on JV. but then again. you know some of us coaches can be a little goofy. 🙂
ok, 2nd laugh. we are playing a conference game. my team and the opponent has the best shooting guard in the league. I mean they are both lights out.
Catch this. 1/2 time score is 13-12.
Walking back to the locker room I ask one of my assistants. «fire and brimstone or Xs & 0s. he gives me this funny look. anyway, I ask him to get me a cup of water (yep, another water trick) he comes in the locker room with a hanful of cups filled with water. He hands me one, I take it, turn around and drink it and take off my sport coat.
So where does he put the rest of cups of water? Right in the middle of the room on the floor. yes, you guessed it, I walked right through all of them. I had tan pants on, I was soaked up to my knees. I look around the room, the kids are biting their lips and / or covering their mouths.
The reporter talked to me after the game and asked me what I said to them. I told him that he wouldn’t believe me. he said he would and that he would print it. I told him the story and he was laughing too. he did print it. Amazing what kids can do when they are relaxed.
Tell your daughter to hang in there, keep working on her game. get better every day and make it impossible for the coach to NOT put her on the varsity.
We love to watch exciting, nail biting basketball games (there is nothing better) and what you described sounds both funny and exciting. Yes, to witness the kid spit in your face would have been shocking and maybe pretty funny LOL.
Things are basically the same right now. My daughter continues to work out and practice with varsity. The coach has not given any hint as to what his decision will be, but he did tell her that she is playing with varsity in fall league and is also playing with jv in fall league (they are short players due to injuries),
The official bball season starts Nov. 25th, so she should know her fate probably the first week of November and as soon as she finds out, I will let you know. Thanks for asking 🙂
I think the reason that you and your daughter wished you were there was to see the kid spit in my face LOL It was pretty funny, I still laugh about it today.
How are things going?
Well, he already sent the message so you can solve that problem. sit down and discuss whatever the problem was and then ask him very nicely. in the future if we have a problem would you mind calling me directly instead of going through my son. Then give him your number and thank him.
He might not have given it a second thought ( I don’t know what the problem was ) maybe he just figured it was a fast way to get the message to you.
Sorry for the slow reply.
I have a situation I am not sure how to handle that I would like a coaches perspective on. I have 2 sons that play football, a 16 year old that plays Jr Varsity and Varsity and an 8 year old that plays youth league football. I am the treasure for the youth league which rents playing time on the varsity playing field. There was an issue with the field at our last game and the Varsity coach sent a negative message via my 16 year old to me. I felt this was very inappropriate. I would like to talk with him about it, but I do not want it to affect my sons relationship with his coach. I just need some input. Thanks,
Let me know when you need another laugh. laughs are good for everyone.
Thanks Ken. looking forward to another story, I hope they aren’t playing with her mind and that things will work out for her too.
As soon as she finds out, will let you know.
Glad that both of you liked the story. next time I think you need a good laugh I will send you one more.
I hope he isn’t playing with her mind. and I hope that things work out for her.
LOL. That is definitely an awesome funny story and what a memorable game. Both my daughter and I wish we could have been there to witness it.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
My daughter is a junior this year and through fall last year, as a sophomore, she practiced with varsity and was enrolled in basketball class with varsity, but was not invited to play fall leagut with varsity and when it was time for try-outs, she was placed on the jv team where she shined and started every game. In this program, once a player has made the varsity team, they no longer have to try-out. Their sport is secure.
Interestingly enough, right now, my daughter is okay. She is going to ride it out through fall to see if she can tell where she will end up. If she is s placed on jv for the 3rd straight year, she has made the decision to quit and focus on track (which she excels in) basketball is her first love. She has built a good repore with the var coach. My older son, who knows the var coach seems to think that she will be placed on varsity because the varsity coach has invested a lot of time in my daughter and she has bonded with the varsity team. As for me, I’m afraid to get my hopes up. She is happy when she leaves the practices and conditioning with varsity and the coach makes it a point to tell her he can see the hard work and improvement. I just wonder why all of the mind games.
How does your daughter feel about all of this? This is the most important thing? How is she handling this? Does she want to stick it out or does she want to quit? Right now, this should be her decision.
Every coach works a little differently. and while I wouldn’t do this without tell your daugter my plans. he has the right to handle this his way.
Is she a junior now? Played last year on Varsity? ( I have to refresh my mind lol )
They certainly are messing with her mind. testing her character so to speak? What do they say, » that what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. » I wish I could figure out what they are thinking!! I’d like to think you are right about her playing varsity now and not making the team..
OK, here is the laugh I promised you. You can show your daughter the story too. ( I think you need one )
The kids come running over and sit down, they grab some water while I am diagramming this play, something we have done many times before. My sport coat is off as usual, tie is down as usual. the kid right in front of me chokes on his cup of water and SPITS it right in my face.
I very calmly wipe my face off and my tie. and my face again. I look down at the Posey board, look up at them and say, I DIDN’T THINK THE PLAY WAS THAT BAD, LOL The whole team is roaring on the bench. the players go out on the floor still laughing. the refs come up to them and ask
them what I said to them at this point of the game. ( we are down two with about 5 seconds on the clock.) They said, we cant talk to you right now.
Now you won’t believe this. but we run the play and hit a three at the buzzer from the corner, for the W. What a great coach I am. LOL
After the game the reporters ask me what happened, I tell them the story and of course they wanted to print it. I said, be my guest. It was a big WIN.
Well Ken, I did not think I would be getting back to you this soon. Confusion again with the whole basketball thing and I need your opinion. Here is the story:
Basketball try-outs were this past Tuesday Sept. 24th. The only players that tried out were most of the freshmen and sophomores who played in the summer (3 injured and on crutches) plus my daughter and the other junior who is hoping to get moved to var. Two other juniors (who played previous years and in the summer) quit because they knew they were not going to make varsity this year and another sophomore quit because she decided to concentrate on track. Well the total healthy number of jv players is 10 (including my daughter and the other junior). The coaches will not have a jv team unless there are at least 10 players. My daughter looked at the coach and said «do I have to play jv again» the coach said «I don’t know, we’re trying to figure it out» My daughter was then told the next day that she would continue to practice and play with varsity in fall league, however, she has to practice and play with jv as well in their fall league. There was no other explanation of what is going to happen next. The jv practices are not challenging and not fun for her.
Here is my thought:
Daughter will be moved to varsity once the hurt jv players are cleared to play, or maybe it’s wishful thinking LOL. I can’t imagine them having her continue to play with varsity if they had no intention of moving her. That is just wrong in my opinion. What do you think?
LOL. thanks Ken. I am always looking for a good laugh. Will show my daughter your previous post and have her ask the coach for clarification on her defense as you suggested.
Let her read my last post if you want. while this is varsity ball which gets more serious. she still needs to have some fun here.
Maybe after a practice, she can talk to the coach privately and ask. » Coach, IF I am such a bad defender, why am I defending their best player every game?» Then say, I am confused about that.
IF he fills only one of the two spots, then there is something wrong with him. its hard to figure out what he is thinking? Who knows, you know that coaches are a weird group LOL
Next time you get back to me, I will tell you a very funny story. and if you don’t laugh over this one, you might need to see if you are still breahing LOL
I don’t blame you for laughing. Trust me I have had a few laughs myself because it is really very weird confusing and crazy. My daughter, on the other hand, has shed a tear or two. She is usually pretty tough, but this has been hard for her. I feel as if this coach is playing a lot of head games and telling her she can’t play defense will make her work harder, but she will also start to believe him.
So the coach tells my daughter and the other jv player there are 2 spots available, but the coach could decide to fill only one of those 2 spots. We saw it happen last year.
They probably won’t know until October if they have made the varsity team. As soon they find out. I will be posting to let you know. Thanks! 🙂
The one thing that confuses me is she plays the toughest player on the other team, THAT tells me that the coach has confidence in her. because if that is me and that player is a stiff on D. she sure isn’t covering their best player.
Tell your daughter to hang in there, keep working hard, have a good attitude, try to be leader and smile at the coach before and after practice and say, «see you tomorrow coach.»
How long before they pick the team? (the 2 girls know they are on or off the team?)
I am kind of laughing but I know its not funny to you or your daughter. (or the other girl)
I know I was never good at Math but 2 girls for 2 spots tells me they are in. Laughing again as I read the REVERSE psychology comment.. there were many times I did that with boys. tried to get them mad at me at times. so they would play harder but my last year when I coached the girls sophomore team I didn’t do that. I didn’t want them crying all the time. 🙂
I am kind of laughing but I know its not funny to you or your daughter. (or the other girl)
I know I was never good at Math but 2 girls for 2 spots tells me they are in. Laughing again as I read the REVERSE psychology comment.. there were many times I did that with boys. tried to get them mad at me at times. so they would play harder but my last year when I coached the girls sophomore team I didn’t do that. I didn’t want them crying all the time. 🙂
Thank you Ken! Yes, this coach is very hard to read. My daughter and the other jv player are working very hard to earn the 2 spots that are open on var. What’s interesting is that they are the only 2 going for 2 open spots.
I have one other question for you. I couldn’t find the answer in the other articles I read on this website. Do some coaches use reverse psychology to motivate their players?
The var coach tells my daughter that she can’t play defense (during practice), when defense is what she is strongest at. In games(fall league), the var coach will put her on the most athletic and best girl on the opposing team to shut them down. I guess I don’t understand this.
Thanks for the update and I am glad that your daughter is seeing some success.
I am not sure how to read the Varsity coach, BUT, maybe he is just pushing them to work hard and be ready for the season.
I wish them luck and I hope that things work out for both of them. Tell them to keep working on their game. and to concentrate on some of the little things. IF they do that, the big things will take care of themselves.
Hi Jeff and Ken,
Wanted to give you an update regarding my daughter’s experience with the varsity coach and the comment that she is not «smart enough» to play varsity.
Since school started in August, she is now conditioning and practicing with varsity during P.E. and after school. Also, she and another girl from the JV team were told by the varsity coach that they are now «good enough to play with varsity» for fall league. They played their 1st fall league game this past Saturday and did pretty well. I think the coach was pleased and praised when they did a good job and definitely told them when they made a mistake.
Unfortunately, this still does not guarantee them a spot on varsity, but I’m thinking it’looks promising and if they continue to work hard, hopefully the var coach will keep them on varsity.
Tell her its a Jekyll & Hyde thing. ON the floor is one thing. OFF the floor is another. We look for perfection during practice and games so that we can get the best out of our players.
Once the game is over, its over. IF your daughter makes an appointment with him/her, I am sure that he will be more willing to talk with her and explain everything.
I coached sophomore girls in my last year. they told me to coach them just like I did the boys. I looked at them and laughed, told them NO WAY, I don’t want you crying all the time. I will teach / coach you like I did the boys but I wont talk to you like I did the boys. Everyone has their own style. tell your daughter to get to know him better and things will be easier for her.
Thanks Ken and Jeff. LOL, you two are funny.
This varsity coach is very stubborn and controlling and can be demeaning to the team at times. That’s why my daughter is reluctant to talk to the varsity coach. Roll play is a great idea! Will definitely try that.
Are you agreeing that I was a stubborn coach and was a little to the left of Attila the Hun? OR. LOL
I completely agree. The only option is for her to go talk to the head coach. It does not guarantee success but it’s the only logical thing she can do.
If she fails, she can eventually learn from it. If she succeeds, she can eventually learn from it. If the parent interferes and tries to «take care of things» for them, nothing will be learned.
Talk to your daughter and let her know that the JV coach is in her corner. this is another positive area.
Why don’t you try a little role playing with her so she can gain some confidence regarding her talking to the head coach. That could help a little bit too.
Good luck and I really hope this works out for both of you.
Thanks for your response It helped a lot.
Sorry I was a little confusing. You are correct in restating what I initially wrote.
In my daughter’s school there are only 2 teams, JV and Varsity.My daughter was on the JV team as a freshman and sophomore. She is trying to make varsity for her junior year. To clarify, It was the current JV coach that told my daughter the varsity coach said that she (my daughter) does not play «smart basketball». The JV coach was the one who told my daughter what the varsity coach said because the varsity coach was not going to say anything to my daughter. The JV coach disagrees with the varsity coach’s opinion and did encourage my daughter to talk to the varsity coach. My daughter just needs to build up the courage. She is working very hard to improve in all areas.The JV coach is also talking to the varsity coach every chance she gets about the progress my daughter is making because the JV coach feels my daughter should be on varsity.
Thanks again. Will keep you posted on the outcome.
I am confused a little bit. Did the Varsity coach tell her that she wasn’t smart enough or is this the assistants opinions?
She played well in the tourney, the head coach praises her and tells her what she needs to improve on? She has played in tourneys and does fairly well and she was just invited to play in the last one correct? She worked out with the Varsity last year and she has been approved to be in the Varsity PE class too? These seem to be good signs to me. I’m not sure how to handle what the assistant told her, I would want to hear this from the head coach not from someone else.
As far as fans and boosters saying who should and should not play, I would take that with a grain of salt. As an X head coach, I never listened to anyone other than my assistants regarding players and game philosophy. but I was the one that made the final decision. that’s why we get paid the big bucks LOL I can tell you from my past experience that I knew during the summer who was going to be on the Varsity the following year. When the season started and tryouts began, I looked for transfer students, kids that grew or improved their game greatly to be on the team. Just because they were on the Sophomore ( JV in your case ) did not guarantee them a spot on the Varsity. I had the advantage of having 5 levels. Freshman A & B, Sophomores, JV & Varsity that practiced together and had a separate schedule.
My suggestion is that your DAUGHTER talk to the head coach and ask him / her what she needs to do to improve her game and if she has any chance to make the team next year. IF he is willing to talk to her, she should feel free to ask some questions regarding what she needs to improve upon. Every player needs to improve their game, at least as coaches we hoped the players felt that way.
I know that this is a difficult situation for you and I hope this helps a little bit anyway. Good luck
I really like the article and all the wisdom and responses. How do you handle a coach that has said that your daughter is not «smart enough» to play on the varsity team?
Just to give you some back ground, my daughter and her 5 JV team mates, who will be Juniors this fall, just completed try-outs for summer basketball. Only one girl made it to varsity and she is about 5″10′. My daughter, who is a 5″7′ guard/forward was working out with varsity all last year and was invited to play with varsity in a tournament two weeks ago where she did pretty good and took advantage of any time she had on the court, was told by the JV coach right before the last try-out that she and one other girl on JV did not make varsity for the summer because the varsity coach said they were not smart enough. There are 5 spots open on varsity. One spot is saved for a transfer, the other spot was taken by the 510 player from jv and the var coach has put two incoming freshman on the summer var team. My daughter is better than some of the varsity players currently on the team (I don’t have on parent glasses and I’m not looking through rose tinted glasses). I give credit where credit is due and some of the varsity girls are very good bball players. My daughter also plays for an elite sponsored travel ball program and has a trainer. Her game has improved so much. There are fans/boosters of the girls varsity bball team who have seen my daughter play and have told my daughter that if she is not on varsity in the fall, there is a serious problem (There is one more try-out in September for one spot) and the varsity coach has already approved her to be in the varsity P.E. class.
I am at my wits end more because I just don’t know how to handle the situation with what the coach said about my daughter and the other girl. In my opinion, that was a cop out excuse from the coach and just chose not to put my daughter on varsity. A few days ago, she played with varsity in another tournament that was scheduled at the last minute. She played so well, with rebounds, assists and she scored in double figures. She is intimidated by the coach and wont talk to the coach about what SHE needs to improve in. The coach will praise her and tell her what she does wrong in a game situation only. She really does have a basketball IQ, but of course needs to continue to develop and improve Please help me understand. Thanks!
We are all inexperienced when we start. I probably gave «bad» a whole new meaning.
You are right, it is his team and he can run it anyway he sees fit. If talking to the Coach or the AD doesn’t solve your problem. maybe it would be better to find a different program.
Regardless of the level I coached. we worked every player equaly in practice. with every drill, whether it be shooting, ball handling or defense. Game time, best players play. use the subs when you can or as you need them. Fortunately as a Varsity coach we had a JV team and the kids that didn’t play in the varsity game played in the JV game. When I was the Sophomore coach, I played about 8-9 players unless the game dictated otherwise.
I think that most of my players over the years knew that I cared about all of them, not just as athletes, but as people. I tried to treat them all the same. I think thats all you can ask of a coach.
I’ve seen and experienced all sides. I’ve been a coach at all levels (different sport). I’ve been the parent of multiple players, boys and girls. I generally have a lot of respect for those who coach youth and teens. I have seen not only bad coaches, but bad parents and players as well. It is likely that when I first started out, I myself was a «bad», or at least incompetent (I prefer inexperienced) coach.
So what can a parent do about an unreasonable coach who is either incompetent or plays favorites or politics etc. to the detriment of a player who is obviously (even after video review and comparison with the coach’s stated methods of judging a player) superior?
There is no way to approach a coach and give your side without at least implying that their system or judgement is flawed even if you are most calm and polite and rational. I think most coaches either don’t realize that or are just blowing smoke in your face when they say they are approachable. On the flip side it is their team as the article notes and they usually have the right to run it as they see fit. What a dilemma!
The recourse unfortunately, if you can’t find a way to calmly convince the coach that you are right or get some parents together to complain to the AD or school board, is as the article stated, find a different program.
Before you complain about playing time, you have to also make darn sure your kid is one of the top five or six or eleven (depending on the sport) because to a coach, everyone else who is not a starter or a valued sub is pretty much equally inferior in ability and in those cases, it really is politics or favoritism (usually subconscious on the coach’s part) or some subjective notion about upside, that gets them on the team or some playing time. There is no way around it that I can think of.
But I am glad that this article encourages coaches to find time for those players and find ways to develop them. Most competitive coaches I’ve seen don’t care much to develop their lesser/younger players or don’t know how.
Hard saying without knowing exactly what the kids were doing. If something inappropriate or something that will have a negative impact on the kids was happening, I think you should certainly let the coach know what is going on (like you said «inform» them in case they didn’t notice).
But you have to be very careful when approaching coaches and it’s usually better to start the conversation about something positive. Mention how much they are improving. Ask the coach for help (maybe ask a question about drills your son can do at home). Then insert the information about the the situation with the kids, just letting him know you thought he would appreciate the heads up in case he didn’t notice it going on.
Please help
While taking footage of my 11 year old child I witnessed certain players being very unsportsmanlike. I then approached the coach who oversees about 70+ kids at training. While I was explaining the situation I was told not to tell him how to do his job repeatedly.
I tried to explain that I was only informing him as a concerned parent especially considering my child plays on the same team as these children.
I’m now second guessing myself. Should I have approached him?
Here is something that you should do, probably before the season started. but thats past. so.
Have a meeting with the team and parents. set out the rules. like no parents on the bench. being positive in the stands towards all the players.
Try to be positive with some team rules. Let them know what your goals are. teaching some fundamentals and allowing these young kids to have fun.
The kids don’t need a parent of fan leaning into your huddles distracting the players. its tough enough keeping their attention at this age.
I coach a youth basketball team of 3rd and 4th graders. In the past 2 games, and so far only 2 games, I have one parent coming up listening to my pre game directions in the huddle, coming up to me during the game, while the kids are actively playing, asking questions regarding the games defense, DURING the game! Its very frustrating to me, but I am not really sure what to say to him. Last game he sat on the bench with his son. I have an assistant coach on the bench with the kids, and my assistant thought it was someone from the league, not knowing it was a parent. This parent is not trying to impose his or any coaching tips or strategies on me, but its very distracting to be approached during a game, or watched closely during a huddle. I am not sure how to handle this in a kind way. I want to send him an email, but fear that the other parents might follow suit in his ways, since they have already watched it happen. On the other hand, if I send out a team email, I don’t want him to feel singled out.
How do you handle this situation? My son went to his new coach and asked him why he was not getting more playing time and what he could improve on. The coach told him he liked his game and he was just screwing him. He was a starter last year and this year on JV mostly on the bench. Comments.
It seems like there is a lot of this going around.
With only 5 more games to go, I would encourage her to finish the season, doing her best (it a shot comes her way.. TAKE IT) and try to have fun. As for AAU, I would encourage her to continue this, who knows what will happen between the end of the season and next year. Maybe she will enjoy AAU ball more and who knows where that will take her.
What you are experiencing is one of the things that is wrong with youth sports. 9 year old kids is about having FUN and learning the skills to play. and NOT WINNING as the end all. I don’t blame you for writing the letter and getting your kid moved to another team.
«are youth coaches always correct even when playing time rules are being flouted at the expense of weaker players in the vast majority of games. »
There is a very simple answer to this question. the answer is NO. it is coaches like this that ruins the games for young kids. they have no business coaching youth sports
Good luck and I hope your kid has a better experience with the new team..
Oh poor Cindy. I don’t know you, but you are my worst nightmare. This is a website for coaches and wives. Not players mommies. I stumbled upon this forum to try to figure out how to deal with hyper-aggressive mothers. I’ve been a High school Head boys Varsity basketball wife for 25 years now. You are the mother in the row behind my husband, leaning in to hear the name of your son. You are the mother screaming your lungs out at the officials, you are the embarrassing voice yelling directions to your son. You are the one walking the baseline undermining the harmony of the team and it’s leadership. At times, You hate my husband, therefore, you must hate me. We are not afraid of you. We are amazed at your lack of manners. We pity your son. My husband’s intentions are pure. I wonder how many mothers came on this website to figure out the mind of a Coach. That’s a ball of yarn that you really don’t want to unravel.
Hang in there, its almost over. I hope this guy finds some PT for your son.
Don’t even try to get into this coaches head. We ARE a strange breed LOL Its not an easy job but you know how I feel about this age group.
Let them play and have FUN.
Enjoy the rest of the year and move on. 🙂
Have been posting about son’s coach now for the past couple of weeks. I do not know how to coach, nor do I tell him how to coach. But my son is just 11 years old, others on team are 12. Son has sat on bench entire season so far. Great practices. But coach says he will not play an idividual where they will fail? He made the team, play him, for gosh sakes. Again, don’t know what coach is thinking, but know son is feeling bad. Only 4 more games to go in season, thank goodness. Hoping for ‘some’ playing time soon
How right you are. the problem comes when the coach thinks more about his W/L record than the kids he is working with. I don’t see anything wrong with your thoughts.
I coached a LONG time also. and I was able to do this beause I didn’t take the game home with me. I didn’t make any RASH decisions after a game, bad or good. NEVER make any decisions when you are angry.
I tell this to coaches all the time. » Don’t make any decisons now, go home and sleep on it, then make a calm decision in the morning.
The article is good for the most part. You do, however, need to remember one thing. You are there for the kids, not vice-versa. Check your attitudes at the door and treat every kid with respect.
Also, parents should never have to move a kid because of a coach. I know my opinion may not be popular here as this seems to be a coaches forum, but I have been successful (as so many coaches have) in my 30+ seasons coaching. You will have more longevity in the business if you AWAYS keep the kids needs in front of your own ego.
This is tough to answer since we are only hearing your side of the story. I sure would like to hear what the coach has to say.
Not sure why he has a closed practice, especially of a parent.
Looking at your son’s size. hard to understand why he isn’t playing. (along with his stats)
Has your son tried to talk to the coach and ask what he needs to do to better himself and get more playing time.
If that doesn’t work, call the coach and asking for a meeting to discuss your son’s situation and what he needs to improve upon to get more playing time. You can always go to the AD also.
If you don’t come away with a satisfactory solution. is there another school in town that he could go to? At 6’6″ I would think that other schools would have some interest in him.
Obviously you read my comment. I think I would just like to add this to your comment.
It’s not just throwing the ball out there and letting them play. You make 5 kids and parents happy, the rest find all kinds of reasons why you are not doing a good job.
I find it amazing how many parents commenting on here know more about basketball than the coach. It sure is easy to be an expert from the stands.
Playing time and coaching philsophy are decisions the coach is either being paid to make or has volunteered his/her time to make. Let him/her make those decisions.These types of decisions do not concern the parent. Your job is to be in the stands and support the team.
I don’t see that. I think that most coaches just don’t want to get attacked. and I have seen it, physically and verbally.
IF you have a question/problem with a coach, call him and make an appointment, away from games and practices.
If a coach is acting poorly and is a bad role model, you have every right to talk to him and discuss it. and if that doesn’t work, go to the AD.
Just remember, IF you want to talk to a coach, make sure that you don’t come across as being aggressive. I never had a problem talking to a parent as long as it was a calm discussion. IF I felt that I ( or one of my staff members ) were going to be attacked I would make sure the AD was involved.
I wonder how many parents would be ok with an honest evaluation of how good their child was? ( and what he/she needed to do to improve ) A lot of parents think ( not saying you ) that their kid is the next MJ.
I was helping a 12 year old boy with his shot. it was pretty good except that he finished with both hands. I was trying to correct that ( I felt that this kid could be an excellent high school player ) The father wanted to know how many games I had won as a high school coach. what does that have to do with the price of tea in China? I asked him what year? Then I said that when I had GREAT / GOOD shooters we won a lot of games. and when I didn’t, we lost. Simple game, you score, you can win, you don’t score, you lose. JMO
This article is from the «coaches are gods» play book. What other professional that spends 20 hours a week with your kid is exempt from being accountable to parents when the parent thinks something needs questioning? There is an appropriate time and place, but Yes, Coach, i will ask about how my child is doing or ask for information about what your assessment is of my childs role on the team. if you don’t like it. YOU should go to another school and coach other kids whose parents don’t mind you being defensive and above questions about your behavior.
This is really great information! Luckily, I have had great parent support and participation so far. However, there’s plenty here that will be implemented immediately.
Great article. As a national baseball coach for the last 15 years, I agree that parents can make it a miserable task. I tell them at the beginning of the year that I am responsible for their baseball training and not to have to deal with their parents. My goal is to help each player improve and hopefully enough to go to the next level and succeed. That takes enough time and energy. I have none left for dealing with overzealous parents. http://baseballinstructionalvideos.net
The best way of (at least trying ) to prevent things like this happening is to have a pre-season meeting so that you can discuss your philosophy and expectations of your players and the parents.
Remember, EVERYBODY in the stands is a coach and they have NEVER lost a game.. relax and have FUN with your kids and make sure they know what you expect of them. Be firm, fair and consistent. IF they know YOU CAREabout them ( more than just basketball players ) they will do their best for you and the team.
I’m a young coach (20 years old) of an AAU middle school team. I coached last year also and had absolutely no parent problems. This year on the other hand I have had
Here is something else that you might want to check into. its the Positive Coaching Alliance.
This might be something that the parents can look at and certainly something that you should forward to the league administrator.
Jeff, are you and Joe coming the the Bball clinic in Libertyvill in June?
I think if the coach had the opportunity to learn this lesson and reflect on these methods, he might change. But having a parent on the team tell you how to coach usually doesn’t change anything.
I don’t know what the answer is but clearly there is a better way and Coach Sar gives you good options. Maybe the league administrators can provide the coach with some Positive Coaching resources.
I know that there are always two sides to every story, but IF he is doing the things you describe here, it leaves you with a couple of options.
1- Get the parents together and have a FRIENDLY talk with him about what he is saying to the kids. Try to keep this friendly because NO coach likes to be «attacked»
2- You can pull your kid off that team and go to another team. IF that was my son, he would be gone.
3- Your group can always go to the head of this league or whoever is running this program and explain your problems. you can always ask him to stop by and watch what he is doing from a distance.
This is supposed to be fun and a learning situation and it doesn’t seem to be either.
JMO
Someone Please share some insight!
My son is in jr. little league, age 13. This year is the first year that the league has hired paid coaches.(no more Dad coaching) These coaches are supposed to get the kids ready for high school baseball.
In the pre-season, the games really mean nothing and the kids are encouraged to have fun, perfect their skills and get in shape for the playoffs.
The coach our team has never smiles or says good job to the kids. He is always pointing out what they did wrong and punishing them for their mistakes. I understand kids need to know what they are doing wrong to correct their mistakes. But the coach just says, «you are the laziest kid I’ve ever meet» or «you’re such a baby to cry because you got beamed in the back by the pitcher». I feel he should have a better way of presenting the kids with their mistakes. You can encourage a child to correct his mistakes or be a better player by firing them up, not demoralizing them in front of the whole team. The coach singles out each kid that screwed up in the field in front of the team. They are feeling like they can’t do anything right and are starting to dislike the game. We’ve had 3 kids quit already. Now we have only 10 players. I’d like to say something to the Coach that I understand he wants them to improve, but there has to be a way of communicating that. How about telling them that he knows they can get that grounded out ball if they get their glove down on the ground. Instead he’s punching them in the stomach by telling them that they are the worst player he’s seen and the laziest kid on the team.
My son use to love baseball, but now is getting a bad taste in his mouth because of this coach. I’ve told him he can change teams, but he loves his team not his coach.
help.
Thanks
They should thank you!!
You are doing the things that every high school coach dreams about. a middle school coach that teaches fundamentals and has the goal of preparing his players to play at the next level.
God Bless and keep up the good work.
Have coached AAU and currently middle school ball. Have used a contract for last 10 years and have had just 1 parent issue in all this time. Communication is the key.
What I have not read is what the coaches are doing in the off season to prepare their players. Of course High School has different rules, but middle school, where fundamentals are the key to success for the High School program is essential.
We have open gym workouts during the summer. Though not a cure all, it provides parents an opportunity to help (which I encourage as we have 20-40 players each Saturday participate). It shows them what we are trying to accomplish. They must understand, it is your program and your decisions will not be influenced by their helping.
At the middle school level, it is work on fundamentals, get them to work as a team, and prepare them for High School.
There is always something new to learn, and this issue is outstanding. Will parts of this in my contract I do not use now.
HARRIS AVDIKOS[BBALL TRAINER[GREECE] says:
1/1/2012 at 10:39:00 AM
ALL THE DESCRIBED INF,ARE SO PRECIOUS FOR ANY COACH IN ORDER TO COMPLETE HIS DUTIES SUCCESSFULLY.
Great additions Jeff.
You always bring more insights to the questions / problems. I love reading your posts and Joes.
All you can do is act as maturely and professionally as you possibly can. Set a great example for your son. Try to communicate in a mature and professional way. Try to offer solutions by seeking to understand where the coaches are coming from.
But also realize and accept that there are some things you can’t control. Just like in basketball, you can’t always control whether the refs call a foul, what your opponent does defensively, whether your teammate throws a bad pass, or even if you miss a shot. There are so many things you can’t control. But you can control your effort, attitude, sportsmanship, character, and ethics 100% of the time!
You are going to run into bad coaches (not saying this coach is bad or not). You are going to run into bad bosses and co-workers. You are going to have bad teachers. That is life. So I think the most important thing is to instill the right qualities with your child and look at this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity to learn how to deal with situations. No matter what happens in basketball, there is always an opportunity to learn.
Teach your child perseverance, positive thinking, how to be proactive, work ethic, communication skills, being honest, character and integrity, and so on. You can also working on skills. If your does this, and he ENJOYS the moment, he will be successful in future basketball endeavors and life.
Just something to think about. Because frankly, I’m not sure there is anything you can do other than make the best of the situation.
PS. I know a few good coaches that go to jump stops on lay ups. I am not one of those coaches but I know others that do it because they are so tired of the majority of their players missing lay ups. They find that teaching jumps stops only cuts down on missed lay ups.
For every person like you who really knows the game there are a 100 in the stands that «think they know the game.»
Every coach (as you well know, from your own experiences) has their own philosophy. and we don’t want to have to explain everything we do. You wouldn’t want a parent coming into your classroom questioning your style of teaching and what you are teaching. (unless their kids were telling them that there was something wrong)
Its very hard to deal with every parent because they are only interested in their kids. not the team / whole picture.
I really don’t know this situation, but you could always give the coach a call and see if he will meet with you regarding his program. You will have to tread lightly here since you don’t want to put him on the defensive. He might be a young / inexperienced coach at this level and is on a learning curve himself. so be patient.
I had to coach in a field house, sharing with some other things going on from time to time.. I got to the point that I locked the door so I could have some peace and quiet.
As for parents, few wanted to watch our practices but I wouldn’t have had a problem with that. but thats just me.
Again, be patient here and try to talk to him outside of the gym area. no one wants to think that he or his philosophy is under attack.
You have been in his situation. or at least have been coaching, neither of us really know what is going on at their practices other than what your sons are telling you. Two sides to every story?
I hope you can work this out without alienating the coach and causing problems for your sons. Good luck.
I thoroughly enjoyed this article and subject. Upon reflection there are several elements that I have practiced intuitively but you have broadened my scope of information that will provide an expanded framework in working with parents now and in the future.
Thanks for a well thought out and written article.
Chuck Atwater-Coach Powerstroke Athletic Club
www.basketballdrillsforbeginners.org
Coach R- We have all been there (or will be) but I implore you to not give up based on a bad first experience. The previous posters are correct; You will have both good and bad parent experiences and it will vary from season to season. Follow the guidelines in this article and you will eliminate many of the headaches. Working with kids is great and something you should not deprive yourself of simply due to some overzealous parents. Do all you can to address these issues up front and then realize that, from time to time, you will still need to deal with unhappy parents. If you give them your philosophy, rules, playing time criteria, etc., you will be in a much better position to deal with these problems and to have the confidence in knowing you are handling them correctly.
Coach P- Understand that I have no firsthand knowledge of your situation but it would appear to me that you may need to put yourself in your daughters coaches shoes. There is a reason this coach is seeing fit to give more playing time to other players. Playing year-round and in other leagues would make little difference to a new coach who only has seen his players in practice and games. It is quite possible that the players you desire to see with more playing time may have a little bit of an attitude or work ethic problem. If these players think they deserve more playing time based on what they have done outside of this team then it could be understandable that they are not doing what it takes to earn time on this team. It would be rare for a coach to make decisions that are counterproductive to his own teams success. Always look within first before assuming someone else motives are not the best.
I always chose to keep up to 15 players on a team, but could only suit up 12 players. In an international setting there are huge demands placed on students academically and more than once a practice player wound up with a uniform.
I always had an inter-squad game before the season started followed by a parent meeting. 7-8 players on each side, evenly divided. The team captain was introduced (elected by the players), handouts shared, etc:
I clearly stated my own philosophy, our program was so strong that many times the subs got more clock than the starters. My favorite quote from this meeting?
«you can talk to me about any subject in the world, religion, politics..but one thing you will never ask me about is why your son does not play more. You need to ask him, and if he cannot give you an answer, that is exactly the problem. He is not listening.»
In 19 seasons I had only one parent who did not really get it. I also kept impeccable statistics and had the players use them to set personal goals.
I coach high school varsity. At the parents meeting, I include a letter (name blacked out) that our superintendent received from a parent of a player on another team, calmly describing an incident where some of our parents were calling the player derogatory names. I have them read it. The results are the same. stunend silence. I tell them flat out that is unacceptable. This past year, our players wrote a letter to their parents and two had the guts to stand up before them and read it. asking them to use good manners and sportsmanship at games. This past season was the best we ever had. No, they don’t always agree with everything I do. But they were civil and behaved well.
thanks for this new letter i think it will help me out alot with how to deal with parents.
My suggestion is to do what is best for the players. Don’t worry about anything else or any politics and teaching any parents lessons. Only you or someone close to the situation could know what is best for the kids. Always do whats best for the team and help as many players as you can. Make sure you consider what is best for the long term too. Good luck!
I have two suggestions. First try to implement some of the things in this article. You might not be able to implement everything until next year, but you could still have a mid-season parents meeting and/or send a letter. Or just talk to parents individually.
Next, don’t get too discouraged. Some groups are just a pain (the parents). Next year could be an incredible experience and be wonderful group. Implementing some of the tips in this article will help next year. Starting off right certainly helps. I have had years where the group of kids (and parents) were an absolute joy to work with. Just such good people and supportive. Then the next year some of the people were not very supportive. It was a frustrating year and it made me want to quit. But more times than not, we had awesome supportive parents.
You are the coach. There’s nothing wrong with politely reminding parents that you are the coach and to please refrain from making any suggestions during games as they should be there to encourage from the sideline. Acknowledge that they have good intentions but during game time they are serving as a distraction and are not assisting.
Then kindly suggest that if they choose to discuss with you any concerns to please do it during non-game and non-practice times.
We live in a smaller school district where enrollment is dwindling. I have coached 4 years of t-ball, with 36 kids on the team the last year I coached it, I coached my 2 older daughters in basketballwhen they were in 5-8 grade, I have coached my youngest daughter for 2 years in softball and I am coaching my son»s 5th grade basketball team this year. I have coached his team since he was in 3rd grade. The first year he was in basketball, we had 9 players on the team. I am a firm believer in teaching the fundamentals at this age doing a lot of repetition in practice. Last year I had 7 kids as some of the parents did not like one of the dad»s helping me at practice and the games the previous year. The dad believes in discipline like I do, but is a bit more louder than I am. He ensures the kids are listening and paying attention during practice and doing the drills correctly. This year I had 6 players, until the one mom blew up at us, yelled at us and swore at us. It was our 4th practice, hadn»t had a game yet, and we finally had all 6 kids at the practice because the flu bug had been going around. When the mom dropped her son off for practice, she jumped all over the dad at first and then at both of us and demanded to know how much playing time her son was going to get, and that he should be playing point guard as she believed that is the most important position on the team. I informed her that all positions are equally important as this is a team sport and I didn»t know anybody»s position yet as we hadn»t had a chance to set up offensive plays yet because we hadn»t had everyone at all of the practices. She swore at me, and pulled her son and made him quit. The dad asked her as she was leaving, »so you»re going to make your son pay the price, and not let him play now?». She left. This is a team that is totally voluntary and not through the school. This mom happens to be the elementary/middle school secretary at the school we practice at. These kids see her every day and heard her yelling and swear at us. I forgot to mention, I am a MOM who is coaching, I am also on the school board at the school. I also went to high school with this mom. These kids have a great opportunity to learn and play because of the small number of kids and I want them to learn. Our first game is tomorrow, and we now have just 5 on the team, so I have had to ask another boy from a neighboring school to play so I have an extra player to sub in. Question—Would you mention the situation to the school principal about the parent»s behavior?
I also have had parent problems. I coach a 4-6th grade school basketball team, with 12 players, which in my opinion is too many. Anyway, during our first game, it was our halftime. One of the parents nicely came to me and started telling me what I ought to do. Then while I was in the huddle with my players, he started talking to them and telling them what to do. He is not even the assistant coach, I am the only coach on the team. As soon as the game is over, another parents approached me and told me that I need to spend more time with them, because they look like they don’t have a clue what they are doing. Then another parent told me that I should not play any other players but the oldest most skilled. The other young non seasoned need to be benched, and that I should treat it as do professional coaches. Well my philosophy ‘was’ equal playing time. What if some of the younger ones are late bloomers. Anyway, my confidence in coaching my team has been shot. I no longer have the desire to coach. Because the parents have a win at all costs attitude, then infects their kids, who now don’t want to learn to fundamentals in practice. All they do is whine and complain. I’m at my wits end and its only my first game. Does anyone have any advice? I’m a young first time 27yr old coach. I love working with youngs kids. But if its gonna be like this, this will be my first and last coaching season.
As for discussing playing time I have told parents that we won’t discuss that and we won’t discuss other parents kids. I have said in a parents meeting before «if Mr. Jones thinks his kid should be playing in front of Mr. Smiths kid then Jones should go to Smith and say «my kid should be playing in front of your kid Smith». If Mr Smith says «yea Jones your right» then they came come to me and I will consider the change. Of course you know no parent is going to go to another parent because its easier to claim your son isn’t playing for reasons like the coach doesn’t like my son or politics.
On the subject of politics I might add this. There should be none. If coaches don’t take anything from parents then coaches don’t owe parents anything. I have been offered free dinners and drinks, beach front condos, lake front condo’s, free tickets to major league games and I refuse everything like that so I don’t owe a parent anything. I have had many parents make substanial contributions to the baseball program and I explain to them that before I accept anything they have to acknowledge that their donation is for the benefit of the baseball program and not because they think it will buy playing time or a starting position. Parents at the HS level especially make coaching very difficult but if you are honest and up front with people it helps a great deal.
I’ve learned from John Wooden and Morgan Wootten that the 5 «Best» players don’t necessarily make the best team. You need role players that do the other little things well such as rebounding, playing defense, handling the ball, etc.
I also know some coaches like to leave their 3rd and 4th best players on the bench, so they have some firepower coming off the bench.
What age are these girls?
Great article with lots of practical information. We told parents of our 5th grade squad before the season that playing time would be equal (even though the league didn’t require it), the players would rotate positions during the season and our goals were for players to have fun and learn b-ball fundamentals. For the team, we implemented three rules: 1) have fun, 2) TEAM and 3) r-e-s-p-e-c-t. In the middle of every practice, we have a 5-10 minute huddle/water break, where the players discusses what the rules mean, we talk about b-ball rules or discuss another topic.
This is my first year coaching at the Jr.High level. I have had a parent come up to me and questioned why their kids wasn’t getting alot of playing time. I just calmly explained that one of there kids missed a week of practice due to grades, and the other was still having trouble adjusting to the new position he was placed in because of size and speed. I explained my goals and expectations of each player and said playing time comes from practice and how well they perform in games.
I did just that I was told by my son that the coach told the teams that some of you have been talking with your parents and that he does not want anything repeated and does not want the parents coming up to the school or calling him about your positions or which team you are on.
Nice huh. Keep in mind this is middle school.
I don’t want to put any further pressure on my son, or black ball him with the coaches.
Need advice from the other side. Although I»ve never been paid for coaching I played for and learned from a very successful college coach. My youth teams have been successful because of a firm belief in fundamentals and team work. These kids including my son are now on the middle school team whose coach admitted at the parent»s mtg he»s not there to emphasize fundamentals but to only work on team concepts. For the first time, these kids are practicing everyday which would give them the reps necessary to really learn skills. I have quietly watched his practices and games for years and believe he is doing these kids a disservice. His comment was that fundamentals were learned in the offseason. I happen to believe that ms coaches have to be the teachers especially for those like my son who want to play in high school. Changing schools is not an option. I do not want to be an «over-zealous parent» but want these guys to get a better foundation before high school. Advice?
I can relate to your situation. I have a similar one going on with my child.
I just told my son just to stay positive and work harder.
But it is frustrating when there can’t be civil communication between parents and coaches and they have already made up thier minds and don’t give the kids an equal look.
Works pretty good except on tournament when we had to play 2 games back to back. The kids get pretty tired about 1/2 way into the second game and the other team has more players.
This is so on time for me! I am having a coaches/parents meeting today and I was so unsure as to what I should say. Man, you guys are great! Thanks!
Hey Coach P.
I say reverse some of the things straight out of this article! Ask this coach if he can please provide a document or verbal explanation to the parents of his overall coaching philosophy, criteria for playing time, and overall expectations on the kids. Propose a parents’ meeting where he can address this to the whole team.
Have your daughter and others go back to him and ask for specific details of what they should do to become a starter, or better yet, what have they not done/done wrong to lose their spot as a starter. If they get another vague reply, then it’s appropriate time for you to address the coach personally. But again, reverse the article notes. remain very calm and collective, focus on only your daughter, and be sure to do this in private and away from game days. If you get clear answers, then you can go to other parents and suggest that they do the same, or perhaps close the conversation with the coach with a suggestion that he address this with the team as a whole.
A lot of good advice in this section. I have also found that most kids see to carry the same attitude of their parents as far as game attitude, and the way they deal with referees. To me that situation needs to be delt with also. thanx for the info.
Thank you for some new ideas. I like the idea of deferral to the next day if a parent is upset, the advantages are numerous. Thanks again.
I appreciate these articles. I’ve been coaching various youth sports for the past 2 years. Your articles pertain to all youth sports.
Excellent, a lot of that was basic stuff, but its amazing how it can get overlooked with all the others things that are done and prepared for during the preseason. Thanks for the resource! Well done as always
Dont let parents drive you out of coaching, it happened to me and I lost all focus and drive with the team and we went through a season only winning 2 games out of 22. I will be following this advice next year, and hope I can have a successful season.

Источники информации:
http://medium.com/@utkarshblog/how-to-handle-overprotective-and-controlling-parents-9b0ea91e00dd
http://mythcreants.com/blog/five-ways-to-handle-parents-without-killing-them/
http://relevantmagazine.com/life5/how-handle-conflict-your-parents/
http://www.breakthroughbasketball.com/coaching/dealing-with-parents.html

Как делать своими руками…

How to handle your parents

How to handle your parents

How to Handle Parents Playing Favorites As an Adult

How To Handle Overprotective And Controlling Parents

You Need Discipline, Not the answers

Why Your Parents Might Be Controlling And Overprotective

When Should You Listen To Your Parents? When Are They Truly Right?

Why Escape From Overprotectiveness Of Parents In The First Place?

1. Take Full Responsibility For Your Life

2. Break The Rules, Not The Law:

3. Disobey Them

4. Earn Money

5. The Good Boy Move

Five Ways to Handle Parents Without Killing Them

About This Article

Topics

Share

1. The Parents Are Far Away

2. The Parents Are Underpowered

3. The Parents Are Unaware

4. The Parents Are Teammates

5. The Parents Are Antagonists

How to Handle Conflict With Your Parents

Don’t Avoid

Speak the Truth in Love

Establish Boundaries

So, You Just Graduated College. Now What?

Forgive

Accept That Not All Things Will Get Resolved

20 Surefire Strategies to Work with Difficult Parents (And Avoid Problems Before They Arise)

Coaches / Resources Contributing to this Report

Добавить комментарий Отменить ответ

How to handle your parents

How to Handle Parents Playing Favorites As an Adult

How To Handle Overprotective And Controlling Parents

You Need Discipline, Not the answers

Why Your Parents Might Be Controlling And Overprotective

When Should You Listen To Your Parents? When Are They Truly Right?

Why Escape From Overprotectiveness Of Parents In The First Place?

1. Take Full Responsibility For Your Life

2. Break The Rules, Not The Law:

3. Disobey Them

4. Earn Money

5. The Good Boy Move

Five Ways to Handle Parents Without Killing Them

About This Article

Topics

Share

1. The Parents Are Far Away

2. The Parents Are Underpowered

3. The Parents Are Unaware

4. The Parents Are Teammates

5. The Parents Are Antagonists

How to Handle Conflict With Your Parents

Don’t Avoid

Speak the Truth in Love

Establish Boundaries

So, You Just Graduated College. Now What?

Forgive

Accept That Not All Things Will Get Resolved

20 Surefire Strategies to Work with Difficult Parents (And Avoid Problems Before They Arise)

Coaches / Resources Contributing to this Report

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