How to stop hating yourself

‘I Hate Myself’: 8 Ways to Combat Self-Hatred

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

Verywell / Laura Porter

Do you often have the thought, «I hate myself»? If you are filled with feelings of self-hatred, you know how frustrating they can be. Not only does self-hatred limit what you can achieve in life, but it also worsens mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.

In order to get over feelings of self-hatred, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms, understand the underlying causes and triggers, realize the powerful effects it has on your life, and finally, make a plan to get over those feelings of self-hatred and develop healthy coping skills to feel better.

Signs of Self-Hatred

Below are some of the tell-tale signs that you might be living with self-hatred, beyond having occasional negative self-talk.

Causes of Self-Hatred

If those signs sounded all too familiar, you’re probably wondering why you hate yourself and how you ended up here. You might not immediately know the answers to these questions, so it’s important to take some time to reflect. Below are some possible causes to consider.

It’s important to remember that not everyone who experiences self-hatred will have had the same life experiences. There is no singular path that leads to thinking, «I hate myself.» Consider your unique circumstances and what might have brought you to this point.

Negative Inner Critic

If you are thinking «I hate myself,» chances are that you have a negative inner critic who constantly puts you down. This critical voice might compare you to others or tell you that you are not good enough.

You might feel as though you are different from other people and that you don’t measure up. These thoughts may leave you feeling like an outcast or a fraud when you are with other people.

The inner critic is like a frenemy who is intent on undermining your success. This voice in your head is filled with self-hate, and can also evolve into paranoia and suspiciousness if you listen long enough. The inner critic doesn’t want you to experience success, so it will even cut you down when you do accomplish something good.

The following are some things your inner critic might say:

If you have a voice in your head like this, you might come to believe that these types of critical thoughts are the truth. If the voice tells you that you are worthless, stupid, or unattractive, you might eventually come to believe those things. And with those thoughts, comes the belief that you aren’t worthy of love, success, confidence, or the chance to make mistakes.

The more you listen to that critical inner voice, the more power you give to it. In addition, you might eventually start to project your own insecurities onto other people, leaving you paranoid, suspicious, and unable to accept love and kindness. If this sounds like you, then chances are that you have been listening to your negative inner critic for far too long.

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Where does that negative inner critic come from? It isn’t likely that you developed that voice in your head all by yourself. Rather, most often, the negative inner critic arises from past negative life experiences. These could be childhood experiences with your parents, bullying from peers, or even the outcome of a bad relationship.

Childhood Experiences

Did you grow up with parents who were critical of you? Or did you have a parent who seemed to be stressed, angry, or tense, and who made you feel as though you needed to walk on eggshells?

If so, you may have learned to be quiet and fade into the background. Childhood experiences or trauma such as abuse, neglect, being over-controlled, or being criticized can all lead to the development of a negative inner voice.

Bad Relationships

Not all critical inner voices begin during childhood. If you were in a relationship or friendship with someone who engaged in the same types of behaviors, the experience could also have created a negative inner voice.

This could even include a work relationship with a co-worker or supervisor with a tendency to put you down or make you feel inferior. Any type of relationship has the potential to set a negative tone in your mind and create a negative inner voice that’s hard to shake.

Bullying

Were you the victim of bullying in school, at work, or in another relationship? Even transient relationships with people can create lasting memories that impact your self-concept and affect your self-esteem.

If you find yourself having flashback memories of seemingly insignificant events with bullies from your past or present, it could be that the experience has had a long-lasting effect on your mind. If your negative inner voice replays the words of your real-life bullies, you have some deeper work to do to release those thoughts rather than internalize them.

Traumatic Events

Have you experienced any traumatic life events like a car accident, physical attack, or significant loss? If so, the loss might leave you wondering, «why me?» which can evolve into feelings of shame or regret, particularly if you feel you were somehow at fault.

Environmental Triggers

Long after original events, you might find yourself being triggered by things that happen in your daily life. For example, a new co-worker might remind you of a past bad experience at work, or a new friend might trigger an unpleasant memory from your childhood.

If you find yourself having an emotional reaction to a situation that seems out of proportion to what has happened, you may need to do more work to uncover the things that are holding you back. Many find this process is made easier with the help of a therapist or other mental health professional.

Negative Self-Concept

Do you have a negative self-concept, poor self-image, or low self-esteem? When you have thoughts of self-hatred, small problems can be magnified into much larger ones. You may feel as though the bad things that happen are a reflection of your own inherent «badness.»

For example, you’re at a party and you tell a joke that falls flat. Instead of rolling with the punches and moving on, your negative self-concept might induce a spiral into negative thoughts such as «everyone hates me» and «I’ll never be able to make any friends.»

Mental Health Conditions

A feeling of self-hatred could also be the result of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Depression, for example, can cause symptoms such as hopelessness, guilt, and shame, which can make you feel as though you are not good enough. Unfortunately, the nature of depression also means that you are unable to see through this cognitive bias to recognize that it is your depression that is making you think this way.

The more that your condition influences your thoughts, the more likely it is that you will start to see this negative view of yourself as your reality. This can leave you feeling as though you are not worthy and do not belong. You may feel isolated and different from everyone else.

Outcomes of Self-Hatred

Beyond the causes of self-hatred, it’s important to understand the outcomes that can result when your thoughts continually reinforce that self-hatred. Below are some potential outcomes:

Many of the outcomes of self-hatred are similar to the signs of self-hatred. In this way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy from which you cannot easily escape. As long as you stay in this cycle of self-hatred, you’ll never move forward. But with help, you can break the cycle.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

How to Combat Self-Hatred

If you are looking to get over self-hatred, there are a number of things you can do to break the cycle. Above all else, remember that you are not to blame for how you feel, but you are responsible from this day forward for the actions that you take toward making positive changes.

Try Journaling

Keep a journal to reflect on your day and how you felt about what happened. Reflect on the events of the day, examine situations that may have triggered certain emotions, and be mindful of the root causes of any feelings of self-hatred.

As you journal each day, look for patterns and aim to become more aware of how your emotions shift. Research shows that expressive writing such as journaling can help to reduce psychological distress.

Talk Back to Your Inner Critic

As you start to become more aware of your emotions and their triggers, try to identify the thoughts that you have when faced with negative events. Ask yourself questions about whether your thoughts are realistic, or whether you are engaging in thought distortions.

Try standing up to your inner bully by countering that inner voice with arguments to the contrary. If you find it hard to build up a strong voice on your own, imagine yourself taking on the role of a stronger person you know—such as a friend, famous person, or superhero—and talking back to the critical voice in your head.

Practice Self-Compassion

Instead of hating yourself, practice showing yourself compassion. This means looking at situations in a different light, seeing the good things that you have accomplished, and ending black-or-white thinking. What would you say to a friend or loved one who was having similar thoughts about themselves?

Was that one bad thing that happened really the end of the world? Could you reframe the situation to see it as a setback instead of a catastrophe? When you can be kinder to yourself, you’ll open yourself up to more positive feelings and a positive inner voice. Research shows that compassion-focused therapy can improve self-esteem, which could be helpful to reduce self-hatred.

Spend Time With Positive People

Instead of hanging out with people who make you feel bad, start hanging out with people who make you feel good. If you don’t have any positive people your everyday life, consider joining a support group. If you aren’t sure where to find one, the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a good place to start, regardless of what type of mental health issues you might be facing.

Practice Meditation

If you find it hard to slow down and detach yourself from your negative thinking, try starting a regular meditation practice. Engaging in meditation is a way to shut off the negative voice in your head. It’s also like a muscle; the more that you practice, the easier that it will be to quiet your mind and let go of negative thoughts.

See a Therapist

If you are struggling with your mental health, you might benefit from seeing a therapist. While it’s possible to shift your mindset on your own, a therapist can help you deal with past trauma more quickly and guide you to more helpful thinking patterns.

Take Care of Yourself

Instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors, engage in self-care. This approach means taking care of your physical and mental health by doing all the things that will keep you feeling good. Eat healthy food, get regular exercise, get enough sleep, reduce social media and screen time, spend time in nature, and talk kindly to yourself, to name a few examples.

Move Toward Living the Life You Want

The antidote to feeling bad all the time might be to start taking small steps toward what you want in life. That might mean finding a new career path, traveling, getting out of debt, ending a relationship, starting a family, or moving far away. Determine your values and then start acting in accordance with them. Once you start to align with your values, it will be easier to feel confident in yourself.

A Word From Verywell

It’s easy to think that you are the only one who struggles with thoughts of self-hatred. The truth is that many people feel the same way that you do, and there are ways to get past it.

If you’re still struggling to get over these feelings, it could be that an underlying mental health issue is contributing to your negative thinking patterns. If you haven’t already been assessed by a mental health professional, this should be your first step. If you are diagnosed with a mental disorder, this could be the starting point to finally making positive changes in your life.

On the other hand, if you don’t have a diagnosable disorder, or if you have already seen a mental health professional and are receiving treatment, then your best course of action is to follow through with your treatment plan and consider trying some of the above-mentioned set of coping strategies to manage your negative thinking.

If this feels hard, you might benefit from an accountability partner or someone else who will check in with you regularly to make sure that you are keeping up with your positive habits. While it might feel hard to confide in someone that you need help, you also might be surprised at how willing others will be to help when you ask.

There’s no reason to keep living your life with the thoughts about hating yourself. Today, you can take the first step toward feeling better and living a life that isn’t filled with self-hatred and negative thought patterns.

How to Stop Hating Yourself and Start Down the Path to Self-Respect

We’re all prone to a little self-loathing now and again, and sometimes that’s a dark road that can only get worse. Thankfully, it’s not too difficult to fight back if you can get yourself in the right mindset.

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Find a Place to Reset Your Mind

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For starters, Rufus found a place where she hated herself less: by the seashore … a wild, rolling, splashing sea. «The sea expects nothing from me,» she explains. «I cannot disappoint the sea. It does not care. It does not hate me, does not love me, does not wonder who I am or what I wear, because it does not care whether I am or am not there. The sea roars, either way.»

Your place could be anywhere. It might be the local coffee shop, the hackerspace in your city, a particular park, or whatever. The point is to find that place where you can go where you’re reminded that the world’s a lot bigger than just you. If you’re anything like me, it means getting as far away from your work or house as possible. I’ve taken to a weird spot on the beach along the bike path where few people tend to hang out. It’s quiet, remote, and a great place to reset everything stupid in my head.

Identify Your Niche

Similarly, find your own niche in the world. Once you identify the traits that make you awesome, it’s a lot easier to concentrate on them and feel better about yourself. Instead of feeling bad about what you can’t do, you can think about all the things you can.

There’s a mind trap that easy to fall into when you hate yourself, where your accomplishments don’t feel like much. Chances are, that’s at least partially because you’re concentrating on the wrong things. I may not be a the greatest at small talk, but that doesn’t mean I suck at conversation. It’s easier to beat yourself up for what you can’t do instead of figuring out what you’re best at.

Finding your niche works on a lot of levels too. Your niche might be a character trait (you’re kind, you’re a good problem solver, whatever) or it might be a skillset. It doesn’t really matter what it is, what’s important is to find a focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses.

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Practice a Little Self-Knowledge

One of the problems with self-loathing often stems from an overabundance of humility. On its own, humility isn’t a bad trait to have. Taken too far it becomes a hindrance that prevents you from acknowledging your accomplishments and accepting compliments.

The trick is to make some attempts to get to know yourself better. A self-loather doesn’t see themselves as other people see them. In turn, it’s easy to disregard someone’s compliment because it doesn’t feel genuine. Psychology Today breaks it down like so :

But there is no right or wrong way to see yourself, no Archimedean point of reference around which others’ perceptions must rotate. Another person’s assessment of you is just as valid as yours—and possibly more so with respect to how you relate to other people, whether these relationships are familial, friendly, or romantic. In simple terms, people who think of themselves as nice may come off as obnoxious jerks to others, and people who think they have nothing to offer other people may be seen by others as very interesting. The point is that you don’t know as much about yourself as you think.

This is one of those cognitive truths that’s hard to correct for. If you’re a self-loather, that feeling of inadequacy is around no matter what you do. The trick, according to Psychology Today, is to do your best to remember that your self-perception isn’t complete, nor is it any more «right» than someone elses. You can learn a lot from how other people see you, but you’ll need to accept what you learn and try to integrate that into your own views.

Attack Your Preconceptions

Once you have a little bit more of that self-knowledge built up, it’s time to attack those preconceptions you have about yourself to see how many of those are true.

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Self-Hate

How To Stop Self-Hate & Forgive Yourself

We hear one thing over and over from people who reach out to TheHopeline: “I hate myself, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

If you struggle with self-hatred, or the behaviors and thought patterns that tend to go with it, you can shift to a healthier mindset and begin living your life more fully.

The Heart of the Matter

If you want to know how to stop hating yourself, it’s time to dig down to the root of the problem. If you’re naturally critical, or always working on yourself, you might wonder how to tell if you hate yourself. Have thoughts like this ever crossed your mind?

• I can’t believe how [ugly, fat, stupid, etc.] I am
• I am such a failure. I knew I would mess this up
• I wish I could stop being a screw-up, but I think that’s just who I am
Everyone thinks I’m a loser, and I get why.

If you’ve had these thoughts, you know what it feels like to struggle with the despair of self-loathing. If you want to stop hating yourself, it’s important to understand not only that these intense feelings come from a place of pain, but that the pain can be healed.

Physical

Emotional

Spiritual

Listen.
You aren’t alone.

The Source of Your Pain

If you have long-term, deep-rooted feelings of hate toward yourself, it didn’t happen overnight. Thinking through the parts of your life that affect how you see yourself can be useful in making things better.

Abuse: If you are or have been in an abusive relationship with a family member, friend, or romantic partner, you’ve been hurt by others repeatedly over a long period of time. It doesn’t matter whether the abuse is mental, physical, or emotional. Since it’s driven by someone attacking who you are, abuse can have a pronounced negative effect on how you see yourself and the world, causing you to fall into the trap of self-loathing.

Grief: For many, grief includes self-blame, which can quickly turn into self-hatred. If you find yourself asking “Why couldn’t I be there more?” or “Why didn’t I give more of my time and energy to them when I had the chance?” and becoming very angry in the process, hating yourself could be tied to your grief.

Mental or physical illness: If you struggle with physical or mental health challenges (especially depression and suicidal thoughts), it’s likely that you’re more often faced with your weaknesses than your strengths. This can skew your view of yourself and your worth towards the negative, which often leads to self-hate.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV

Expectations of perfection: The same is true if you grew up in a family, church, or friend group that emphasized a perfectionist mentality. Since no one is perfect, the feeling of failure that comes with perfectionism can lead to blaming and hating yourself, even when your mistakes and weaknesses don’t have serious consequences.

Forgiveness and Acceptance

There’s good news if you want to know how to stop hating yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. God is full love for you and ready to show mercy toward you, no matter how much you may wrestle with doubt or grapple with your faith. Praying for even a short while each day, or asking others for prayer on those days when it feels like you hate yourself most, are important steps toward freeing yourself from those painful, toxic emotions.

Many mental health professionals agree that there are several key mindset shifts you can build into your daily routine to help you move away from self-loathing.

Self-acceptance: It can be freeing to understand that everyone around you makes mistakes and has limitations. To understand how to stop hating yourself, you must fully accept your weaknesses, your shortcomings, or to make peace with things you can’t control makes you human. And that’s a good thing!

Self-love: If the Gospel calls you to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31), healthy self-love must be part of living a joyful life and fulfilling our purpose. You can love yourself in a way that isn’t self-centered and that better equips you to relate to and care for others.

Self-forgiveness: A lot will change when you’re able to forgive yourself for past failures and mistakes. There may be lasting consequences for some of our choices which are difficult enough, but there’s no reason to heap additional punishment on yourself.

SPIRITUAL PRACTICE

Self-hate has a strong and loud voice which will consistently speak negative self-talk to your soul. It’s time to protect your soul. Self-hate convinces you that it’s speaking truth about your worth when it’s actually speaking lies. You have to speak truth to your soul in order to kick out those lies. This needs to be done often, with consistency.

One of these truths is that God thinks you are precious and He’s sticking with you. As it says in Psalm 139:17- 18, How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

7 Life-Changing Ways to Stop Hating Yourself and Find Lasting Happiness

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As the expression goes, we are often our own worst enemies. A lot of people are the first to criticize and belittle themselves.

Hating yourself is a form of what’s often called “self-loathing.” It is actually a fairly common occurrence for a lot of people to harbor self-loathing thoughts.

Although common, self-loathing is not something you are born with. Studies in psychology have shown that self-loathing is a learned mechanism. As babies, humans lack the capacity to hate themselves.

Hating yourself is a symptom of low self-esteem. Having low self-worth has many manifestations, but self-hatred is perhaps the most damaging of them all. You undermine your accomplishments and abilities, convincing yourself that others are better than you.

Regardless of its origins, hating yourself can have numerous adverse effects in your life, such as feelings of extreme loneliness; higher risk of depression; difficulties in friendships and romantic relationships; decreased academic or work performance; increased vulnerability to substance and alcohol abuse; and even more fatal consequences.

You are probably reading this because you detect instances of self-loathing in your life and want to change, or perhaps you want to help someone overcome their sense of low self-worth.

In this article, we will show you seven gentle, loving ways that you can stop hating yourself.

But first, let’s explore the major causes of the symptoms of self-loathing.

(Side note: Another positive ​way to improve your life is to read and learn something new every day. A great tool to do this is to join over 1 million others and start your day with the latest FREE, informative news from this website.)

What You Will Learn

Symptoms of Hating Yourself

Psychological studies show that your behavior can indicate if you have self-loathing tendencies. For instance, you may have self-loathing tendencies if you over- or under-eat; if people more often than not describe you as “too easygoing” or a pushover; if you tend to dislike people you think are a threat or competition; you sabotage relationships or isolate yourself from people you love; you engage in negative self-talk; and/or you have uncontrolled spending habits.

These behaviors can be subtle, especially if you find yourself habitually internally comparing yourself to other people, or constantly finding ways to put yourself down without being able to truly identify anything that is wrong with you. Or, you may pay attention to your critical inner voice as it berates you, and refuse to challenge it even when it leads to suffering.

Some try to suppress these inadequate feelings by behaving as if they’re superior to everyone else, or trying to prove that they’re the best to avoid the internal abuse that continues to occur. However you find that self-loathing is manifested in you, the process shows the difference that everyone has between their own healthy and realistic point of view of themselves versus the inner critic that fights to assert its destructive ways of looking at ourselves.

7 Gentle Instructions on How to Stop Hating Yourself

1. Learn to become self-aware.

Feeling good is one thing, but being able to pinpoint exactly why you feel good is another things altogether. In fact, understanding the reasons behind your positive feelings is a sign of someone who is self-aware. Once you become self-aware, you become better at cultivating more good in your life, and eliminating or knowing how to change the negative things.

Becoming self-aware is the first key to getting over feelings of self-loathing. Having self-awareness means that you have a clear perception of who you are, including your strengths, weaknesses, values, beliefs, and emotions. If you have self-awareness, you will have the opportunity to make conscious changes in your behavior and beliefs, which in turn helps you change your emotions.

Wherever you choose to put your focus, behavior, and emotions will help determine where you go in life. When you have self-awareness, you are able to see the direction in which your thoughts and emotions are going. Until you have this awareness, you will have trouble making the changes that you want in your life.

Self-awareness is developed by putting your focus on the details of your thoughts and behavior. For example, if you experience an emotional reaction of frustration, you can take note of the thoughts and triggers that led to this emotion.

You can also notice when you can alter the way you perceive things, or choose to not believe what you are thinking. Doing this will help you make better choices in your thought process before you have an emotional reaction or demonstrate any destructive behaviors.

2. Transform your negative thoughts.

Negative thinking patterns have a strong and devastating impact on your life. Develop habits that help you stop being negative. Once you are able to recognize and identify your negative thought patterns as they are happening, you can step back from them and learn to view the thoughts in your head as just thoughts.

You can stop seeing them as being a reality. You can recognize when you’re fused with your thoughts and you are taking them too seriously. When you know you tend to have negative thoughts, you can choose to listen to only the thoughts that you find to be valuable or helpful instead of automatically obeying everything that comes to mind.

Seeing your thoughts in passing can help you take the time to turn negative thoughts into positive. For example, let’s say you wake up one day and it is pouring down rain. If you immediately think to yourself, “Today is going to be awful,” then you will probably have the awful day that you predicted. However, if you can turn your thought process around and choose to not believe that negative thought, you can still have a great day.

The truth is, it is not a problem that you have negative thoughts. The problem arises when you believe your thoughts are true. When you can release these thoughts, they lose their power over you to create unpleasant emotions.

3. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made.

Learn to let go of guilt, anger, and resentment that hold you down. There’s nothing worse than having a feeling of complete despair after making mistakes in life and possibly failing. Usually, you’re so blindsided by the mistake that it may take months or even years to recover. However, with mental fortitude and emotional toughness, the pathway of pain can turn into understanding, growth, and forgiveness.

There are a few things you can do to begin to forgive yourself. First, look for the silver lining in all negative situations. You may have gained a new perspective on something, or your mistake may have led you in the right direction that ultimately brought you joy. Also, consider how you can use the pain of your mistakes to benefit your future. Perhaps you can use the new information you have learned as a method of reshaping your goals.

Use the lessons you learned to redefine what you want out of life. And sometimes you just have to relax, take a breath, and let go. Don’t take all of your mistakes so seriously. Whatever it is that you’re going through, many other people have been through it before, and many other people will continue to go through it in the future.

For example, let’s say you turned down a job that in retrospect seems like it would have been a very good opportunity to take. You have to remember that you have information now that you did not have back then that is influencing your current opinion.

At the time, you made the best decision for your needs. You may have learned from this experience that you need to change your priorities when it comes to job benefits or features of a job, but now you can use that information moving forward to set yourself up in the best position as possible.

4. Stop being in competition with others.

You have a unique gift to give to the world, so it’s time to stop keeping tabs of what others have that you don’t, and start believing that you are special, too. It is healthy to feel a little bit of competition when it helps you push yourself. However, if you take it too far, it becomes an issue, putting you at odds with everyone around you, and accentuating your low self-esteem.

To stop being competitive with other people, step back and work through the emotions behind it. Figure out what triggers your feelings of competitiveness and envy. Maybe you can’t stand to lose, or to see someone do better than you at work. Maybe you let survivorship bias get the best of you.

Whatever your triggers are, identifying them can help you take control if the circumstances arise in which you feel a sense of competition. You can teach yourself to re-think your feelings at the moment and stop to think why you are feeling that way. Does your competitiveness stem from jealousy, and if so, is it merited? Figure out where the core emotion is coming from and remind yourself that you can calm yourself.

Let’s say your co-worker gets a raise and you don’t. If this makes you feel offended, stop to consider the possible reasons why. Do you think your work is better than theirs? Do you think that they are lazy and do not deserve the raise?

Then change your thinking a bit. Maybe they took on a new project that you were unaware of, or maybe they were up for a reevaluation and it resulted in a raise. Don’t jump to conclusions that will make you feel competitive right off the bat. Just pay attention to your own work and making it the best it can be so that when it is your turn for a raise, you will get one too.

5. Spend time with people who are positive in their outlook.

Counter bouts of self-hate by being with positive people who make you feel supported and appreciated just as you are. While many people focus simply on diet and exercise to improve their health, studies have shown that our well-being is also impacted by the friends we keep.

In fact, certain behaviors are contagious, and our social networks can impact our chances of obesity, anxiety, and contentment. Reports have even found that a person’s exercise routine can be strongly influenced by their social network.

If you spend time with others who have a positive self-image and a healthy amount of self-esteem, you can pick up those habits and feel the same way about yourself. Try to focus on having three to five close, real-world friends instead of a lot of distant Facebook friends.

You want to be able to have a meaningful conversation with your friends, and be able to read each other’s body language when you are communicating. Having a core group of friends who add positivity to your life is more beneficial to your health than any drug you can take, and it will provide you with more benefits than just about anything else.

Alternatively, negativity begets negativity. Stay away from people who are constantly complaining or looking at the worst possible scenarios. If you find that you have a friend who is constantly bringing you down, limit the time you spend around that person.

When you are around that friend, take note of how your thought process changes to match theirs, or how you feel when you leave them. Doing this will likely keep you from wanting to spend time with them in the future, especially if you are trying to create a positive change in your life.

6. Develop a loving relationship with yourself.

Instead of hating, start learning how to become loving toward yourself. The relationship that you have with yourself is arguably the most important one you will have in your whole life. This relationship marks the foundation for everything else that you have. Work to identify the traits you have that you associate with other people being in a good place in their lives and appearing to be successful and happy.

Engaging in self-care is also a good way to develop a loving relationship with yourself. When life gets hectic, it’s easy to neglect your own health. But practicing self-care is important for your overall wellness.

Don’t feel selfish or guilty when you take time to care for yourself. Your health is never a selfish thing. You will only be able to help other people when you are first able to help yourself. This especially true for women who experience mom guilt.

Everyone practices self-care differently, and each person may even do various things for self-care throughout the day. It is important to find exactly what works best for you.

Maybe you want to take the time to be quiet and read a book or meditate, or maybe doing an intense exercise or taking a run is better for you.

Think of what makes you feel good, and carve out the time in your day to do it. Don’t put self-care aside for other obligations that you have in your life.

In the video below, Aaron Doughty talks about how self-love is our natural state of being, and provides steps we can take to love ourselves now.

7. Celebrate your triumphs.

One of the main reasons that we set goals is to achieve them. After all of that work, it is important to celebrate and reward yourself. If you achieve a goal and then move right on to the next task, you will make the process seem unfulfilling, and this will take the fun out of meeting your goals.

Learn to reward yourself for the achievements you’ve made. Appreciate all that you are able to do. Celebrate your triumphs, no matter how big or small they are. Take the time to know you gave the project your all, and that was all that you could ask for. When you celebrate your triumphs, you will gain the confidence that you need to take on more challenges.

When you celebrate, your body releases endorphins and you feel great while your success is being reinforced. So much of what we do is limited or motivated by our psychology, so celebrating your wins reinforces the behavior you want to demonstrate when you are facing new opportunities.

On the other hand, if you don’t celebrate your accomplishments, you are telling yourself that whatever you are doing is not very important. If your days feel mundane, you will stop putting forth the effort to get the results that you need. A lack of celebration leads to feelings of emptiness that will cause a decreased level of performance over time.

Start Being More Loving Towards Yourself

Today we’ve learned about the negative effects of self-hate, and how loving ourselves can help us find peace and lasting joy in our lives.

Hopefully, these tips on how to become more loving towards yourself will inspire you to change your life in a positive way.

Finally, if you are experiencing symptoms of self-loathing that trigger depression or anxiety, you might want to consult a certified mental health specialist to immediately address this matter.

Finally, if you want another positive ​way to improve your life, then read and learn something new every day. A great tool to do this is to join over 1 million others and start your day with the latest FREE, informative news from this website.

How to stop hating yourself: 7 steps to believing in yourself again

It is natural to hate yourself sometimes. You are totally not alone.

How many people have hateful thoughts about themselves?

On the website of this Helpline are two articles about hating yourself and how to stop. During one year, these two articles received 432,000 views.

And that’s just one website in the entire world.

Self-hatred could have something to do with the way in which our society is developing. Recent research suggests that younger generations might hate themselves more often than older ones.

The Pew Research Center (U.S.) studied four generations: Silent, Baby Boomer, Generation X, and Millennials. Their data indicates that Millennials (people born between 1981-1996) tend to have the most negative thoughts about themselves.

That’s a lot of people. And that’s just in America.

So, the first and most important thing to realize is that you are normal.

Everyone hates themselves sometimes.

The solution is two-fold:

How to reduce your self-hating thoughts to a minimum

1. Compare less

Think about it: How old were you when people taught you to compare yourself to others?

Most likely as soon as you could understand this idea.

Researchers Matthew Baldwin and Thomas Mussweiler explain that for humans, comparing ourselves to others is very important.

Humans live in large social groups. To be successful, these groups need to agree on behavior norms and stick to them.

Self-checking by frequently comparing ourselves to others keeps us on track.

When comparing gets out of hand

The downside of comparing is that it can damage our self-esteem.

Definition of self-esteem from the Dictionary of Psychology (American Psychological Association): the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. It reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of his or her accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person.

In short, self-esteem is how much value or worth you give yourself.

Interestingly enough, self-esteem is a cycle. The higher your self-esteem, the more positively people deal with you (in general), which leads to an increase in your self-esteem, and so forth.

An example of comparisons gone wrong

Have you posted a selfie recently? Did you feel happier and more positive or anxious and more nervous? Did you have any thoughts about your body image?

A study of a multicultural group of 113 Canadian females

Why could posting selfies put us in a bad mood?

Putting your body out there for comparison is scary for two main reasons—general opinion and unrealistic competition.

Once it is out there, virtually anyone can comment on your appearance, not just your friends.

Internet trolls are always looking for someone to upset. This time, it could be you.

It’s a fact that social media is full to bursting with fake images. In this case, those images are digital creations of female bodies.

As we know, it’s more than gentle touching-up. These images have been enhanced and reworked to create a woman who doesn’t exist…and even some who naturally could not exist.

These carefully crafted, excellently presented images have nothing to do with real life.

Where is the bad hair? The pimples? The stretch marks and cellulose?

Where is the failure? The tears over the contest which was lost? The sadness over the job which was not gotten?

Comparison takeaway

Choose when and how to compare. Your comparison should serve you well, not make you feel bad.

If you really need feedback, go to reliable sources such as:

(Mental toughness isn’t necessarily an innate trait⁠⁠—it’s something that can be learned and developed. To learn how to develop your own mental toughness, check out our eBook: The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness)

2. Spend less time on social media

Social media has important, positive benefits. However, there is the other side of the coin.

There are clear links between the use of social media and rates of depression and suicide. Basically, the more a person uses social media, the higher the chances of that person committing suicide.

Sobering thought, right?

Why the connection?

Data shows that young people who self-harm tend to be more active on online social networks in comparison to those who don’t. It appears that self-harming youth go online to find support for their actions.

This means that any young person who frequents online social networks will be overly exposed to the idea of self-harm and messages which promote self-harm.

Social media takeaway

Know your networks. Positive social networking sites can have many benefits. Dicey sites can harm you through negative social comparisons.

New to a social network or forum? Take a moment to check out:

If anything seems off to you, get out and stay out.

3. Rein in your negative thoughts

Thoughts and feelings about hating ourselves happen to us all. The question is: How much power do we give this inaccurate self-hatred?

Science has shown that a huge part of our reality is based on our thoughts and that our reality influences our emotions and behaviors.

Proof for this idea

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a research-supported method for dealing with a wide range of problems. Simply put, CBT works on changing a person’s mindset in order to fix their issue(s).

The goal here is not to push you toward investigating CBT to reduce self-hating thoughts (although some people find this effective). The purpose is to show scientific support for the fact that your thoughts go a long way towards creating your reality.

Change the thoughts and the reality changes.

Negative thoughts takeaway

The following process can help you manage your thoughts when they turn towards hating yourself.

Step 1: Realize that your current thoughts are not facts, nor are they physical reality. These thoughts are simply ideas you have in your head at the moment.

Step 2: We know that ideas can be true or false, good or bad. It is only when we test an idea can we find out whether or not it is worthwhile.

Example #1: You are thinking that you are an idiot because your work meeting did not go well, dive into that a bit more.

Were you the only one there? Chances are, others at the meeting also had some responsibility for how things turned out.

Example #2: Thoughts are running through your head that you hate yourself. When you look more closely, it is because you think you look fat in that sweater.

Have you gained weight since you wore that sweater last and loved it on yourself? If you haven’t, then what’s the deal today? Why are you feeling unhappy about your appearance?

Dig deeper for the root cause. It may surprise you by being totally disconnected from you and your sweater such as a recent breakup with your partner.

If you have gained some weight, OK, it happens. Perhaps it is time to consider a new eating plan and add more exercise to your weekly routine.

Step 4: Make an action plan to deal with whatever your test results from Step 3 have shown you. Action plan examples include a list of meeting do’s and don’ts, a commitment to socialize once a week or an exercise schedule.

Step 5: Conclude your process in a positive way. Here are some ideas from our examples above:

Step 6: Give yourself a well-deserved hug for being brave and proactive!

How to increase self-love thoughts to the maximum

1. Meditate on a regular basis

Research shows a positive correlation between meditation and self esteem. In other words, people who meditate frequently have higher self-esteem.

The higher our self-esteem, the lower the amount and frequency of thoughts about hating ourselves.

How does meditation increase self-esteem?

The data indicate that meditation is influential because it trains the mind to focus.

You’ve probably seen those images of brain neurons and activity. You know, a seemingly unorganized bunch of connections with electrical activity (like lights) running around all over the place.

Think of that as the uncontrolled mind.

Consider meditation to be a single-beamed, pinpoint laser. You can take that laser and light up one small area, keeping everything else in relative darkness.

The other parts are running around as before, but you don’t see them or pay them any attention. You are just concentrating on the one, pinpointed area.

This concentrated focus is often called ‘mindfulness’. So, meditation increases your ability to be mindful.

The more mindful you are, the more you can choose what you pay attention to.

Inaccurate, self-hating thought? Don’t shine your laser on it, and send it on its way.

Accurate, self-loving thought? Shine your laser on it, light it up, bathe in its empowering energy.

Positive effects of meditation and mindfulness

Here is a short list:

Meditation takeaway

Meditation is not complicated. It does not need special equipment or a teacher.

The most important requirements for meditation are your desire, willpower, and perseverance.

You need to want it enough and stick to it enough. The results have no choice but to follow.

Tip #1: How to sit

Choose an upright, seated, comfortable position.

If you can do a cross-legged position, great. Do that. If not, sit another way.

Sitting in a chair is totally fine; so is using pillows or a meditation seat/cushion.

Tip #2: Location

At the beginning, your thoughts are going to be distracting enough. You won’t need other distractions.

Choose a place that is as quiet and peaceful as possible, a place in which you won’t be disturbed.

Tip #3: Length

Start with 5 minutes. This is most likely going to seem like a very long time.

Set a timer to ring when 5 minutes is finished. When you start the timer, pay attention that it moves from 5:00 to 4:59 and then 4:58.

Now you know it is working, so no need to check it again.

Tip #4: What to do

Place your hands in a comfortable position. Perhaps on your thighs or knees.

Gently close your eyes.

Begin by noticing how you are breathing in and out. Spend a while just saying to yourself: “I breathe in. I breathe out.”

Since you are using meditation as a tool to decrease self-hatred, begin saying the positive thought you have chosen for this meditation session.

These positive thoughts are often called ‘affirmations’. You can find lists of them on the internet or you can create your own.

Here are some ideas:

Tip #5: Evaluation/Reflection

Even after years of regular meditation, practitioners report the distraction power of their thoughts.

You have just begun. It is natural (and expected) that your thoughts will go wild.

Experienced practitioners also speak about physical discomfort. Feet/legs fall asleep. There are body aches.

You are a newbie. Just sitting still for 5 minutes in such a position could be a big challenge.

So no matter how you felt or how long you lasted (in case you didn’t manage the entire 5 minutes), congratulations. You are on the way.

Try to meditate on a regular schedule of 2-3 times every week. By the end of 30 days, you should see positive changes.

When 5 minutes becomes relatively easy, increase the time by 1 minute. Keep increasing as often as it is comfortable.

Remember though that it is the quality of the meditation session which gives the benefits, not the length. There is no competition to sit longer than someone else.

(To learn more about meditation and practical eastern philosophy wisdom, check out Hack Spirit’s most popular eBook: The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life)

2. Assess your superpowers

How can you hate yourself if you are full of great skills and wonderful qualities?

You can’t really. So, fight darkness with light.

Everyone has superpowers

So, your superpowers are all your positive abilities.

An article on the website MYRKOTHUM has a thoughtful list to jumpstart your thinking:

You can find more ideas of superpowers on the internet or come up with your own names such as:

Superpowers takeaway

Superhero time. Let’s borrow an idea from art therapy and create a personal superhero.

How well you draw is not the issue. A stick figure is fine…but don’t forget the cape.

The point is to label your superhero with superpowers.

Step 1: The minimum requirements are a blank piece of paper and a pen/pencil. But feel free to let your creative spirit have fun.

Step 2: Draw your superhero in the middle of the page. Your superhero can be as plain or as detailed as you wish.

Step 3: Think of your superpowers. Your only limit is the space on the page. For each superpower, draw a short line (like a sun ray) from your superhero towards the edge of the page. Write your superpower on that line.

Step 4: Rate your superpowers. Write a number from 1-5 after each superpower on the same line—5 is the highest amount, 1 is the lowest. For example: Curious (3)—this would mean a medium level of this superpower.

Step 5: Stop and reflect. Look at all the superpowers you have. Truly, there’s very little room for self-hating thoughts in this superhero’s mind.

Step 6: At the bottom of the page, write down 2-3 superpowers which you feel your superhero could use but doesn’t yet have.

Step 7: Think about ways to get those superpowers. You could make it an affirmation and say it during your meditations (see Idea #1 above in this section). Some people find personal coaching or empowerment courses/training to be helpful.

3. Spoil yourself rotten

You are wonderful! You deserve the best of what this world has to offer.

Actively treating yourself with self-love is a compelling way to stop hating yourself.

None of these treats involve money. They are available to everyone, no matter what your budget is.

Spoiling yourself takeaway

The following ideas are just the tip of the iceberg. Give your self-love spirit permission to come out and play.

Gratitude

Did you know that according to a recent study, “the most powerful people are also the most grateful”? And the key to that equation is self-esteem.

As often as you can, take a moment to be thankful for something.

Did you wake up this morning? The day is already blessed.

Is your body relatively healthy? Not all are so lucky.

What about your mind—more or less sharp and clear? It’s a gift.

Did you just have a birthday? That was one more than many people.

Do you have enough for the basic necessities of shelter, food, and clothing? You know others wish they were in your shoes.

What about those amazingly beautiful flowers on the way to work? Stop and admire the wonder of nature.

Remember the kind words someone told you when you were in need? How wonderful. Do the same.

The list is endless…as are the opportunities to say ‘thanks’.

Seeing our glass as half full rather than half empty gives little space to self-hating thoughts.

Develop your tribe

You can no longer let negative people near. Sorry, but those energy vampires and people with snarky opinions have got to go.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you.

You might not have too many at first. Once you pay attention, many of your ‘nearest and dearest’ may fall by the wayside.

Be prepared that some of them may be family. Family members are sometimes the most toxic.

Gather around you those with whom you love spending time; those people who lift you up and cheer you on.

As you get better at identifying them, your ‘tribe’ will grow.

Remember: people, like plants, need care.

Spend time with your people. Invite them for tea and cookies at your place or go for a group walk on the beach or in the forest.

Ask them for help, and give help in return. Needing and being needed are both natural and universal sides of the same coin.

Socializing with the right people will keep your mental health in great shape.

Be compassionate…to yourself first

In this case, self-compassion means accepting yourself as you are, mess and all.

It means forgiving yourself your imperfections, mistakes, occasional meanness, and any other faults you can think of.

People with high self-compassion feel less shame and have fewer symptoms of depression.

Being self-compassionate helps people feel more authentic and live lives which are truer to themselves.

Be gentle with yourself. Be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.

Respect your vessel

Our bodies are often compared to ‘vessels’—containers for our minds and spirits.

If you think about a container, you know that you have to keep it in good shape. Broken or cracked containers will let the soup out and the vegetables spoil.

This roundup of quotes gives some great advice on how to keep our physical vessels in top form:

“To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”—Buddha

“Rest when you’re weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work.”—football player Ralph Marston

“Wellness is associated with happiness. When you’re happy, you’re feeling good in your mind and body. That ties into being healthy, eating well, and exercising regularly. It also ties into being excited about things – like getting up in the morning and having a healthy breakfast.”—model Stella Maxwell

“True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are ever united.”—philosopher Wilhelm von Humboldt

“The body needs its rest, and sleep is extremely important in any health regimen. There should be three main things: eating, exercise and sleep. All three together in the right balance make for a truly healthy lifestyle.”—film director Rohit Shetty

“Wellness is the complete integration of body, mind, and spirit – the realization that everything we do, think, feel, and believe has an effect on our state of well-being.”—author Greg Anderson

“Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.”—actress Gabourey Sidibe

The Big Picture

To stop hating yourself effectively, it is best to take a two-sided approach.

Side one

Fewer unnecessary comparisons, less time on social media, and a firm hand on the ‘thought reins’ will reduce the amount of your self-hating images and feelings to the lowest possible number.

Any worrisome images/feelings that do succeed in creating themselves will be kept under tight control and not allowed to expand themselves or even hang around too long.

Side two

Mindfully meditating, recognizing and enjoying your superpowers, and spoiling yourself rotten increases your self-esteem, your feeling of self-worth and value.

This, in turn, nurtures positive, self-loving thoughts on a more frequent basis. Since these thoughts are powerful, they are able to stay in your consciousness for quite a long time.

Are you ever going to be able to stop hating yourself 100%?

Probably not. All of us have doubts sometimes.

But if your desire is great, your willpower is strong, and your perseverance on this two-sided path is mighty, you will most likely get to 99.99% self-love.

Really, who cares about the other 0.01%?

Read more articles here:

Putting yourself first

Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.

What’s your number one goal at the moment?

Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?

To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?

Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?

Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.

And even then…plans fail.

But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…

No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.

I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.

Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.

She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.

So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.

How much do you want it?

Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?

If so, check out the workshop here.

If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!

All the best,
Lachlan

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