How to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie

Как завоевать друзей и оказывать влияние на людей

How to Win Friends and Influence People

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Presented by Donna Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dale Carnegie

EDITORIAL CONSULTANT: Dorothy Carnegie
EDITORIAL ASSISTANCE: Arthur R. Pell, Ph.D.

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Copyright 1936 by Dale Carnegie
Copyright renewed © 1964 by Donna Dale Carnegie and Dorothy Carnegie
Revised edition copyright © 1981 by Donna Dale Carnegie and Dorothy Carnegie

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my cherished friend
HOMER CROY

How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Legacy of Dale Carnegie

“ You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.”
– Dale Carnegie

The two most defining self-help books of the last century are, arguably, Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Remarkably, they were released within one year of each other: Carnegie’s in 1936 and Hill’s in 1937. Both dominate ‘best book’ lists and continue to forge lasting legacies around the world, guiding innovators and changemakers from generation to generation.

These two books reinforce the timeless principles of success, complementing each other with practical tips and strategies that can be applied by anyone, irrespective of circumstances, such as:

Carnegie understood, better than most, how powerful the knowledge of high performers strategies can be in one’s own self-development. Through thousands of hours of purposeful practice, he became a revered orator and began teaching others how they could learn people skills that would create enormous success in business. His lessons catapulted aimless but ambitious people into titans of industry.

Two crucial components of his philosophy were that:

Many of those I interviewed for Think and Grow Rich: The Legacy noted that Carnegie’s book was the other guiding blueprint in their life. Even legendary investor Warren Buffett once stated:

“In my office, you will not see the degree I have from the University of Nebraska, or the master’s degree I have from Columbia University, but you’ll see the certificate I got from the Dale Carnegie course.”

Despite passing away in 1955, Dale Carnegie is regarded as one of the world’s foremost authorities on personal development, leadership and communication. On 24 November, Carnegie would’ve been 130 years old — you can enjoy some of his most famous quotes below.

May his legacy live on through the ongoing pursuit of our potential and thinking the best of others.

Onwards and upwards always,
James W.

50 famous quotes by Dale Carnegie:

How to Win Friends and Influence People

When you think about the most iconic self-help books, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People often surges to the top of mind. The delightful read is packed with entertaining stories from successful politicians, businesspeople, and students who excelled at communicating.

How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the best-selling books of all-time as it has sold over 15 million copies internationally. Despite being released in October of 1936, many of the concepts taught in the book continue to be applicable today.

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How to Win Friends and Influence People Book Review and Summary

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

In this section of How to Win Friends and Influence People, stories are told of some of the most notorious criminals. From Al Capone to “Two Gun Crowley,” readers learn that “the desperate men behind prison walls, don’t blame themselves for anything – what about the people with whom you and I come in contact?” The essence of this chapter revolves around how people will never criticize themselves for their wrongdoings as they’ll always justify their actions. People who make the wrong choices will often blame everybody except themselves.

Of criticism, Dale Carnegie writes, “Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment.” This one section on criticism ends up nicely tying in several chapters and recurring themes in the book centering around how people strive to feel important and appreciated.

A great Dale Carnegie quote in this chapter that best sums up how to deal with people is, “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.” Whether you’re a hardened criminal or just your average joe, you’ll likely put yourself up on a pedestal. Instead, you must recognize how people view themselves and avoid criticizing them. Aim to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before placing judgement.

2. “The Big Secret of Dealing With People”

Dale Carnegie gets right to the point in the opening paragraph of this chapter by saying “There is only one way under high Heaven to get anybody to do anything… And that is by making the other person want to do it.” Ultimately, you’ll have to give someone what they want in order to win friends and influence people.

In this chapter, we learn from a Professor John Dewey who shares that “the deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’” The recurring theme of people wanting to feel important continues to emerge in How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s even listed in Dale Carnegie’s top eight list of normal adult wants, which includes:

Dale Carnegie believed that appreciation and praise were so important that people often craved it as much as food but would sometimes go years without ever having their needs met.

However, the important thing to remember is that appreciation and flattery are simply not the same thing. Appreciation is sincere while flattery insincere. “One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other is universally condemned.” A Mexican general named Obregon was even quoted as saying “Don’t be afraid of the enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

The big lesson in this chapter of How to Win Friends and Influence People is that by giving honest and sincere praise, people will hold onto your words for a lifetime. And that’s the best kind of impact to have in a relationship you’ve built.

3. “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World With Him–He Who Cannot Walks A Lonely Way”

This chapter starts off with a fishing story. Dale Carnegie recounts, “I go fishing up in Maine every summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream; but I find for some strange reason fish prefer worms. So when I go fishing, I don’t think about what I want. I think about what they want.” This quite simply sums up that you need to give people what they want instead of talking about what you want. Because, ultimately, the only person who cares what you want is… you. No one else.

Instead of asking someone or preaching to someone about what you don’t want them to do, such as smoking cigarettes, you need to show them how doing that is not in the best interest of him or her. You might show that it prevents him from his own wants and needs.

Dale Carnegie writes, “Every act you ever performed since the day you were born is because you wanted something.” So, even if someone asks you to do something, if you weren’t interested in doing it, you wouldn’t have done it.

Understanding people’s wants can help you negotiate better as well. For example, if someone increased the price of rent, you can create a list of advantages and disadvantages for them to help them see both sides of the situation for them. Then, they might be persuaded to lower the rent for you. However, the problem that people run into is that they often start the conversation by arguing which causes resistance from the other party. If you tell someone they’re wrong, they’re pride will be hurt and they won’t back down.

Henry Ford was quoted in How to Win Friends and Influence People by saying, “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as from your own.”

The chapter concludes with “First arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Nine Suggestions On How to Get The Most Out Of This Book

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Do This And You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere

In this section of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie shares, “one can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than one can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” He goes on to state that people aren’t interested in anything but themselves. Their whole world is viewed from that lens. There was even a study conducted by the New York Telephone Company and the most frequently used word was the personal pronoun “I.”

The people who struggle with relationships the most are those who don’t show interest in other people. Even authors who showcase that they don’t like people will find that people don’t like his or her stories.

Simple things like remembering people’s names and birthdays can do wonders when it comes to forming friendships.

Rule 1: Become genuinely interested in other people

2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

In this chapter of How to Win Friends and Influence People, readers learn that smiling can have such a huge impact in our relationships with others. It shows people that we like them. Dale Carnegie uses the example of a dog proving that their excitement upon seeing a person makes us feel happy to see them too.

Dale Carnegie asked his students to smile at one person every hour. The students who did this soon found that everybody smiled back at them. In addition, to smiling some students took it a step further by giving appreciation and praise instead of criticism and condemnation.

William James shares, “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” So, when you feel upbeat and smile, whistle, or hum your favorite tune, and you’ll find that you start attracting a more positive outcome. The reality is that happiness comes from within instead of outside.

Controlling your thoughts can ultimately make you feel happier. As the wise Shakespeare once said, “Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Men in insurance found that if they thought about things they were thankful for before a meeting with a client, they would smile. And bring that positive energy into a meeting. Thus, leading to “extraordinary success in selling insurance.”

3. If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble

Some notable figures such as politicians have highlighted their ability to remember people’s names. Jim Farley, an Irish politician, said, “I can call fifty thousand people by their first names.”

Some take it up a notch by learning everything they can about a person they first meet. They’ll learn his or her full name, family size, type of business they own, political opinions, and more to have a complete understanding of who this person is. That way, when they cross paths again, they can ask specific questions about how certain family members are doing and so forth.

Not only should you know the person’s name but you should also find out how to spell it correctly.

Andrew Carnegie, a notable businessman, would always honor the names of his friends and business associates. In one scenario, he suggested a merger with another company. But when it came time to name the business, he named it after the owner of the business he merged with. Carnegie found that honoring the people he worked with was one of his best kept secrets.

Most people tend to forget names because they fail to concentrate and repeat names as they’re being told.

A simple technique to remember names is to ask someone to repeat it. If you still can’t figure out what their name is, you should then ask them to spell it out.

Rule 3: Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in the English language.

4. An Easy Way to Become A Good Conversationalist

In chapter four of How to Win Friends and Influence People, we discover that the best conversationalists don’t converse at all. Instead, they’re merely good listeners.

A scholar named Charles W. Eliot, shared that the most important aspect of a successful business intercourse is to pay “…exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you.”

The people who fail are those who don’t listen attentively.

Don’t give people advice. Instead, simply offer others a friendly ear by being a “sympathetic listener.”

Charles Northam Lee shares, “To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions the other man will enjoy answering. Encourage him to talk about himself and his accomplishments.”

Rule 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5. How to Interest People

In this section of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie writes, “Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.”

By paying special attention to the other person’s interests and taking it up as your own to converse with them, you can strengthen your relationship with others.

Rule 5: Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.

6. How to Make People Like You Instantly

To make someone like you instantly, find something you admire about them. When you discover what that is, you tell them directly. You’ll often find their face will beam with a smile.

An important law gets mentioned in chapter six of How to Win Friends and Influence People. The law states, “ Always make the other person feel important. ” What people crave more than anything is a sense of being appreciated not insincere flattery. Charles Schwab recommends that people “be hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.”

When you have to give negative feedback to someone, there are key phrases you can use that’ll soften the blow such as:

The important thing to remember is that every person you interact with will feel superior to you in one way or another. However, Emerson gave an interesting perspective when he said, “Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.”

Rule 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Part Three: Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. You Can’t Win an Argument

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, an important lesson pops up in chapter one: “Always avoid the acute angle.” The story that leads to this conclusion is about a man who argues with a Shakespearean expert that a certain quote is from the Bible and not a Shakespeare play. But instead of arguing with someone who’s wrong, he simply let the person save face by agreeing that the quote was from the Bible. However, when asked if he knew the other person was in fact wrong, he was able to give the exact act and scene that the quote was from in Hamlet. He didn’t see the point in upsetting an evening dinner over an argument so he just let the person stick to their point of view. Ultimately, if someone is set in their ways, nothing you do or say will change their mind up so it’s best to let it go.

Dale Carnegie shares a few words of wisdom when he says, “…there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument– and that is to avoid it.” The biggest problem with arguments is that a conclusion is never reached. Instead, both parties end up believing their point of view even more firmly. “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

Even Ben Franklin weighs in by sharing, “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”

Hatred needs to be fought with love instead of more hatred. So when it comes to arguments it’s best to resolve them with tact, sympathy, and a willingness to truly understand the other person’s perspective.

Rule 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies – And How to Avoid It

If people were able to be right 55% of the time, then they could invest money on Wall Street and become millionaires. But it’s actually not that simple. And if we can’t guarantee that we’re right with that level of accuracy then how could we ever tell someone they’re wrong. You’ll never change someone’s mind.

Lord Chesterfield told his son, “Be wiser than other people, if you can; but do not tell them so.”

The secret to telling someone they’re wrong is by saying, “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” You should approach disagreements like a scientist looking for facts.

Avoid using words that describe fixed opinions such as certainly or undoubtedly. Instead, use words like:

Rule 2: Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.

3. If You’re Wrong, Admit It

To win friends and influence people, remember that people want to feel important, so nourish people’s self esteem.

When we are certain that we are right, it’s essential to ease people into our point of view gently. But it’s important to remember that we will be wrong most of the time.

Admit to mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. An old proverb in this section of How to Win Friends and Influence People states, “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

Rule 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

4. The High Road To A Man’s Reason

A story is told in this chapter of a planned luncheon. Typically, Emil the maître d’hôtel handled the events perfectly. But on one occasion, the event didn’t go as planned. He was unavailable throughout the night. The waiter serving the table didn’t offer first-class service.The guest of honor was consistently served last instead of first. The quality of food was sub-par. Dale Carnegie was so upset that he was ready to give Emil a piece of his mind. But ultimately, he knew that would cause resentment.

Instead, Carnegie said, “See here, Emil, I want you to know that it means a great deal to me to have you at my back when I entertain. You are the best maître d’hôtel in New York. Of course, I fully appreciate that you don’t buy the food and cook it. You couldn’t help what happened on Wednesday… I have planned other parties, Emil, and I need your advice. Do you think we had better give the kitchen another chance?” As a result, the following event included two dozen roses, the food was excellent, and they were showered with more attention by having four servers instead of one.

A notable quote from Lincoln concludes the chapter. “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

Rule 4: Begin in a Friendly Way

5. The Secret of Socrates

Get someone to say ‘yes, yes’ at the start of a conversation and he’ll be happy to do anything you ask of him. This is the Socratic method.

“He who treads softly goes far.” – Chinese proverb

Rule 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

6. The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints

In chapter six of How to Win Friends and Influence People, a story is told of an electricity salesman trying to sell electricity to a farmer. Several people had tried to sell this farmer but had failed to do so. Instead, Joseph S. Webb, a salesman, went to the farm and simply asked to buy a dozen eggs. He complimented her by saying, “I’ll bet you make more money from your hens than your husband makes with his dairy.” This set her off on an opportunity to tell her story in elaborate detail. This allowed Mr. Webb the opportunity to better understand their farm. She concluded by saying that a few of her neighbours had started using electricity and she was considering doing the same. So instead of Mr. Webb selling to the farmer, the farmer made the decision on her own and decided to buy it. The lesson here is that “Such people can’t be sold. You have to let them buy.”

People would rather boast about their own achievements rather than hearing someone else’s. French philosopher, La Rochefoucauld, said, “If you want enemies, excel your friends but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” Letting your friends excel you gives them a feeling of being important but they become inferior when you excel them.

Rule 6: Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.

7. How to Get Cooperation

In chapter seven of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Adolph Seltz held a sales meeting for his car salesmen to inject more enthusiasm into the team. He asked the men to list the traits and qualities that they expected from him. He said, “I’ll give you all these qualities you expect from me. Now I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect from you.” The men in the room said, “…loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, team work, eight hours a day of enthusiastic work.” Someone went as far to volunteer 14 hours a day of commitment. Everyone left the meeting feeling more inspired than ever. Since Mr. Seltz lived up to his commitment, others felt motivated to live up to theirs.

Rule 7: Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.

8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You

Putting an emphasis on trying to understand another person’s perspective can do wonders. “If you say to yourself ‘How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?’ you will save a lot of time and irritation, for ‘by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.’ And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.”

Understanding another person’s point of view is one of the most important lessons you could learn in How to Win Friends and Influence People. “I should rather walk the sidewalk in front of a man’s office for two hours before an interview, than step into his office without a perfectly clear idea of what i am going to say and what he–from my knowledge of his interests and motives–is likely to answer.”

Rule 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

9. What Everybody Wants

This magic phrase can stop an argument and create good will while making another person listen to you. “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I should undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

About 75% of people are desperate for sympathy. “Give it to them, and they will love you.”

According to Dr. Arthur I. Gates, in his book Educational Psychology, he says, “Sympathy, the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or a bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults… show their bruises, relate their accidents, illnesses, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.”

Rule 9: Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.

10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes

Everyone you meet will have a high regard for himself. They see themselves as unselfish people.

If you consider someone honest and fair, they will be more likely to work with you when a conflict arises.

Rule 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

11. The Movies Do It. Radio Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

Dramatization is a great persuader. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie shares an example of a rat poison window display. To persuade people to buy rat poison, they included two live rats in the display. Sales shot up five times higher.

Rule 11: Dramatize Your Ideas.

12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This

“‘The way to get things done,’ says Schwab, “is to stimulate competition.”

Appeal to people’s spirit by pushing for people’s desire to excel by adding a challenge.

People love the game. It gives them an opportunity to prove their worth, to grow, and to win. Thus, making them feel more important.

Rule 12: Throw down a challenge.

Part 4: Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment

1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is The Way To Begin

It’s easier to listen to unpleasant feedback after hearing praise of our strengths.

In How to Win Friends and Influence people, Dale Carnegie shares a story about Mr. Gaw, an ordinary citizen working at the Wark Company. The company was hired to build and complete a large office building by a specific date. However, one of the subcontractors was unable to make their specific deadline. That’s when Mr. Gaw went to pay him a visit.

Mr. Gaw told him that he had an unusual name as he was able to easily find his address in the telephone book because he was the only one with his name. Thus, making him feel special to have a unique name and starting the conversation on a positive note. Mr. Gaw ended up being taken on a tour of the plant. He complimented the owner on such a clean and neat bronze factory. He also praised the machinery. The owner shared that he had in fact invented the machinery himself. The owner decided to take Mr. Gaw to lunch. But through this entire conversation he not once discussed why he was actually there visiting. After lunch was over, the business owner promised they would meet their deadline by delaying other orders instead.

Rule 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

2. How to Criticize– And Not Be Hated For It

When Henry Ward Beecher died, Lyman Abbott was invited to speak in the pulpit. He wrote and rewrote his speech. After some time he decided to read it to his wife. His wife thought the speech was poor. However, instead of criticizing him she mentioned that it would make an excellent article for the North American review. While she praised it, she made it clear that it wouldn’t be the ideal speech for this situation.

Rule 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

Before you call out someone else’s mistakes remember that you may be older, more experienced, or more skilled at the subject than the other person. By remembering this, you’ll be more patient. Try to think back to when you were in the person’s situation.

When calling out someone else’s mistake, Dale Carnegie said, “You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That only comes with experience; and you are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself. I have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?”

If you catch yourself criticizing someone, the next best thing you could do immediately after is praise them.

You must always talk about your own shortcomings and someone else’s superiority instead of intimidating the other person.

Rule 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4. No One Likes To Take Orders

Instead of giving direct orders, give suggestions instead.

Rule 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

5. Let The Other Man Save His Face

When General Electric Company had to remove Charles Steinmetz from the head of his department, they knew they had to do it with tact. Steinmetz was a sensitive genius. They wanted to keep him in the company but they felt he was in the wrong role. They gave him the title of Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company. It was the work he was already doing. He was happy with the change. They let him save face.

Rule 5: Let the other man save his face.

6. How to Spur Men On To Success

A warden in the Sing Sing prison shared, “I have found that the voicing of proper appreciation for the efforts of the inmates secures greater results in obtaining their co-operation and furthering their ultimate rehabilitation than harsh criticism and condemnation for their delinquencies.”

Even just a little bit of praise and encouragement can have a positive life-changing impact on someone. It can prevent someone from giving up.

William James was quoted saying, “Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses power of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.” When you praise people you inspire them to reach their fullest potential.

Rule 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

7. Give The Dog A Good Name

Mrs. Ernest Gent, a friend of Dale Carnegie, shared a story of how she hired a servant girl. However, when contacting her former employer, Mrs. Gent discovered that the servant girl was sloppy. So when she spoke with her she told the servant girl, “She said you were honest and reliable, a good cook and good at caring for the children. But she also said you were sloppy and never kept a house clean. Now I think she was lying. You dress neatly. Anybody can see that. And I’ll bet you keep the house just as neat and clean as your person. You and I are going to get along fine.” As a result, the servant girl always kept the house shining and neat. Why? Well, she had a reputation to live up to.

The warden of Sing Sing that we learned about in the previous chapter said, “If you must deal with a crook, there is only one possible way of getting the better of him– treat him as if he were an honourable gentleman.”

Rule 7: Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.

8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

If someone emphasizes your mistakes, they’ll discourage you. If someone praises the things you do right and minimizes your errors, they’ll encourage you. Hearing encouragement makes you want to improve.

“Tell a child, husband, or an employee that he is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, that he has no gift for it, and that he is doing it all wrong and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.”

Rule 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do.

9. Making People Glad To Do What You Want

“Always make the other man happy about doing the thing you suggest.”

J.A. Want, Head of J.A. Want Organization, wanted to improve the morale of an employee who constantly complained of long hours and a need for an assistant. Instead of changing his hours or hiring him an assistant, he gave his employee a private office with a new title on the door – “Manager of the Service Department.” It made him feel recognized and important.

Mrs. Gent, who was mentioned in a previous chapter in How to Win Friends and Influence People, wanted to stop boys from running through her lawn. Criticism didn’t help. So she went to the boy who ran on her lawn the most and gave him a new title “Detective.” His job was to keep all trespassers off her lawn. “Her ‘detective’ built a bonfire in the backyard, heated an iron red hot, and threatened to burn any boy who stepped on the lawn.”

Rule 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Part 5: Letters That Produced Miraculous Results

When asking a favor, ask in a way that makes him or her feel important.

Benjamin Franklin used this technique to turn an enemy into a friend. He knew that doing a favor for him would arouse suspicion in the other person so instead he asked for a favor. He knew the other person had a special library with a very rare book. So he asked to borrow it for a few days. A week later he returned the book with a kind note to show appreciation for the favor. The next time the pair met at The White House, they interacted with civility.

When asking for a favor, don’t boost the man’s ego with flattery, instead offer “…genuine, real appreciation.”

Part 6: Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier

1. How to Dig Your Marital Grave In The Quickest Possible Way

Napoleon III fell in love with and married the most beautiful woman in the world Marie Eugenie Ignace Augustine de Montijo. The couple had it all – “health, wealth, power, fame, beauty, love, adoration.” But this soon flickered out due to her nagging. When he was having important meetings, she would interrupt him and failed to leave him alone. She was consumed with jealousy and always worried he’d be consorting with another woman. Nagging can never keep love alive. It’s one of the deadliest ways to destroy love.

Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace and Anna Karenina, wanted a simple life. “His wife loved luxury, but he despised it.” He refused to sell his books for a profit. His wife would nag and scold him because she wanted the money from the books. This went on until he reached the age of 82 when he finally had enough. He fled home one snowy, October night with no plan as to where he’d go. “Eleven days later, he died of pneumonia in a railway station. And his dying request was that she should not be permitted to come into his presence.”

Rule 1: Don’t, don’t nag.

2. Love and Let Live

Disraeli once said “I may commit many follies in life, but I never intend to marry for love.” And he didn’t. Instead, he proposed to a rich widow who was fifteen years his senior who knew he wanted to marry her for her money. Her only request? That she spent a year determining his character first. The rich widow was neither young, nor beautiful, nor brilliant. She had a peculiar sense of fashion. However, she was brilliant at handling men. When he came home from work, she allowed him to relax. The time he spent at home with his wife were some of his happiest hours. For thirty years, she praised and admired him. And he always defended her when she said something erroneous. And he made sure she knew she was the most important thing in his life. Even though his wife wasn’t perfect, Disraeli allowed her to be herself. And as a result, he fell in love.

Rule 2: Don’t try to make a partner over.

3. Do This And You’ll Be Looking Up The Time-Tables To Reno

William Gladstone publicly criticized Disraeli in public. But in his private life, he never dared to criticize his own family. One morning, he went down to breakfast only to discover his entire family were still in bed. He filled the house with a mysterious chant to let everyone know he was down at breakfast alone.

Rule 3: Don’t criticize.

4. A Quick Way to Make Everybody Happy

A farm woman laid down a bit of hay down for supper before a group of men. They all asked if she had gone crazy. She replied, “Why, how did I know you’d notice? I’ve been cooking for you men for the last twenty years, and in all that time I ain’t heard no word to let me know you wasn’t just eating hay!”

American comedian Eddie Cantor shared to a magazine, “I owe more to my wife than to anyone else in the world. She was my best pal as a boy; she helped me to go straight. And after we married she saved every dollar, and invested it, and reinvested it. She built up a fortune for me. We have five lovely children. And she’s made a wonderful home for me always. If I’ve gotten anywhere, give her the credit.”

Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.

5. They Mean So Much To A Woman

Flowers are considered a language of love. Instead of waiting until someone is sick at the hospital, you should pick them up and surprise someone you love with flowers today.

“Women attach a lot of importance to birthdays and anniversaries– just why, will forever remain one of those feminine mysteries. The average man can blunder through life without memorizing many dates, but there are a few which are indispensable 1492, 1776, the date of his wife’s birthday, and the year and date of his own marriage. If need be, he can even get along without the first two– but not the last!”

A judge who analyzed 40,000 marital disputes and reconciled 2,000 couples shared, “Trivialities are the bottom of most marital unhappiness. Such a simple thing as a wife’s waving goodbye to her husband when he goes to work in the morning would avert a good many divorces.”

In a mirror, place this quote: “I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Rule 5: Pay little attentions.

6. If You Want To Be Happy Don’t Neglect This One

In this chapter of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie shares, “Rudeness is the cancer that devours love. Everyone knows this, yet it’s notorious that we are more polite to strangers than we are to our own relatives.” No one would tell a stranger to stop repeating the same old stories or open their private mail.

Dorothy Dix, an American journalist, once said, “It is an amazing but true thing that practically the only people who would ever say mean, insulting, wounding things to us are those of our own households.”

In Holland, people leave their shoes on their doorstep. Similarly, you should leave our workday problems outside the door of your home too.

“The average man who is happily married is happier by far than the genius who lives in solitude.”

Rule 6: Be courteous.

7. Don’t Be A “Marriage Illiterate”

The four causes of divorce are:

A few books you can check out:

Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

You can buy How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie on Amazon.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Principles

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.

Criticism is futile because it puts us on the defensive and usually makes us strive to justify ourselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds our pride, hurts our sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

Don’t criticize others; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.

“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.”—Confucius

We’re not logical; we’re emotional, motivated by pride and vanity.

“I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.”—Benjamin Franklin

Rather than condemn others, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do.

We all want to be appreciated.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people. The greatest asset I possess and t way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”—Charles Schwab

Before trying to persuade someone to do something, ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?”

“If there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”—Henry Ford

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”

Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Always make the others feel important.

Most people you meet will feel superior to you in some way. A sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”—Disraeli

“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

“There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.’”

“Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong. Don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.”

“If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?”

“Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say—and say them before that person has a chance to say them.”

When you’re right, try to win people gently and tactfully to your way of thinking. When you’re wrong, admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

“In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying, ‘Yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying ‘No.’”

“Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that”

“If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own—if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping—stones of your career.”

How to stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.”

It’s always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

“Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.”

“It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”

“Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”

“People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”

“Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.”

“If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”

“Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”

“Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.”

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

Recommended Reading

If you like How to Win Friends and Influence People, you may also enjoy the following books:

16 Ways You Can Win Friends And Influence People

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The secrets to success — listen when others speak, admit when you’re wrong, remember names, lead with appreciation not demoralization — are simple and eternal, and most of us could use a refresher course.

To celebrate 75 years and more than 16 million copies in print, the new and not particularly-improved edition, «How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age,» is here. If nothing else, we were glad for the reminder to take a well-deserved look at the classic version you can still find on the bookstore shelves.

First and always: Smile.

It says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

Abe Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.“

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about all of it.

You need to remember peoples’ names.

The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.

Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of over a million dollars a year (when there was no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off) was Charles Schwab. Picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in 1921, Schwab was only thirty-eight years old.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”