How to not think about bad things

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How to Overcome Your Brain’s Fixation on Bad Things

A new book reveals how the negativity bias operates in our lives and what we can do about it.

Why can’t we pull our attention away from a traffic accident or stop watching news about the latest viral outbreak? Why are we waylaid by criticism or unable to get past a minor snub from our best friend?

That’s our negativity bias. We humans have a propensity to give more weight in our minds to things that go wrong than to things that go right—so much so that just one negative event can hijack our minds in ways that can be detrimental to our work, relationships, health, and happiness.

Overcoming our negativity bias is not easy to do. But a new book, The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It, coauthored by social psychologist Roy Baumeister and New York Times writer John Tierney, inspires hope. The book not only covers the fascinating science behind this stubborn bias, but also gives readers practical tips to work around it in effective—and sometimes counterintuitive—ways. If we know that “bad” is stronger than “good,” the authors argue, we can use that knowledge to improve not only our own lives, but society at large.

Recently, I spoke with the authors about their book and what we can learn from it. Below is an edited version of our interview.

Jill Suttie: Why did you want to write about the power of the negativity bias?

Roy Baumeister: To me, it was fascinating, because it’s one of the most basic psychological principles and seems to be true everywhere. It’s a key fact about how the mind works. But there are also plenty of practical applications in everyday life that people need to understand—how it works in their relationships, in their reactions to political and religious speakers, and so on. A mind is prone to overreact to negative things relative to positive things; so people can use this to manipulate us, or we can use this to manipulate other people. If we understand this, we can prevent some of the negative effects and improve the quality of our social life.

JS: What was one of the most surprising findings from the research on negativity bias?

John Tierney: There are lots of little surprising things to me—like the fact that you get almost no credit for doing more than you promised to do, for going beyond and doing extra, but you get penalized severely for what you don’t do.

Researchers did experiments where students were given tickets by a ticket broker, and if the seats were better than expected, the students didn’t express any gratitude; but they were very upset if the seats were worse. In another experiment, someone came in to help participants do a task that involved solving puzzles, and if that person did 50 percent more than promised, participants gave him the same rating as if he’d just done the basic job. If he fell short, they really faulted him. We’re very upset when someone doesn’t fulfill a promise, but if they do extra, we’re not grateful enough for it.

RB: If I had to pick one finding, in particular, it would be that people learn more and faster from punishment and reward. I’ve heard educators say that we shouldn’t criticize students or shouldn’t give bad marks; but giving both reward and punishment—both praise and criticism—is best, for informational purposes. If you have to pick just one, the negative feedback stimulates learning faster than the positive. That was the biggest surprise to me.

For example, say you give children a jar, and, in one condition, every time they got a right answer, they’d get a marble to put in a jar that they could keep. In the other condition, the jar was full of marbles, and every time they got one wrong, they’d lose a marble. It’s the same contingency, one marble per answer. But the kids learned faster when they were losing marbles than gaining marbles.

There was also a nice field study with teachers, where they were given a bonus if enough of their kids improved or reached grade-level-appropriate scores at the end of the year. To make it interesting, half the teachers got the bonus in advance—but if their students didn’t make it, they’d have to pay it back. The others were told they would get their bonus at the end of the year if students advanced. The result? Students learn better when the teacher might be punished by having money taken away, instead of rewarded by getting money in the end.

JS: In your book, you refer to the “Negative Golden Rule.” Can you explain what that is and why it’s important in relationships?

RB: Well, the standard Golden Rule that we learned as a child is “Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.” But given that bad is stronger than good, the priority should be “Do not do unto others what you do not want done unto you.” It’s about focusing on eliminating the negative rather than cultivating the positive. Both are good, but eliminating the negative should get priority.

There’s abundant evidence from multiple sources that relationships are far more strongly affected by negative things than positive things. I sometimes ask my students, “Why do you think someone should marry you? Why would you be a great husband or wife?” They list all the positive things that they do—being a good listener, provider, good in bed, or whatever—that they think will make the relationship a success.

But what’s more important is to not do the bad things—can you hold your tongue when you’re angry or refrain from saying that something is his or her fault; or, when the family budget is stretched, can I refrain from an impulsive splurge? Negative things matter way more than positive things; so rather than reciprocating when your partner is being difficult or unpleasant, it’s especially important for you to ride it out and be positive and not fall into the trap of turning negative yourself.

JS: Is there a good way to provide criticism, given how much we hate receiving it?

JT: One of the big mistakes people have learned is that, when giving criticism, you should start off saying a lot of good things about the other person, then throw in some criticism, and wrap it up with some nice words. But most people would rather just get the bad news out of the way. Also, once you give people the bad news, they respond so strongly to criticism that the brain basically forgets the first part—people will walk out of the evaluation focusing on that criticism, with all the good stuff forgotten.

It’s better to give the bad news early; then the good news can sink in after that. People have got to hear the criticism to know what the problem is, but then you can tell them what they’re good at and let them know how they can improve.

JS: When it comes to news and media, you write that we tend to focus more immediately on the negative news, but we’re more likely to share positive news with others. What’s the reason for this, and how should it guide our consumption of the news?

JT: This is something that interested me in my media career—just seeing how eagerly we journalists will turn anything into bad news. So many things are going right in the world, and yet journalists can take what’s basically a good news trend and find one person doing badly and focus on that. The reason for this is probably that mass media aims at a mass audience, and the things that affect everyone tend to be negative—we’re all afraid of dying; we’re all afraid of being hurt. Focusing on those shared concerns is the easiest way to reach a mass audience.

It means we all need to work on going on a “low-bad” diet—basically, not allowing yourself to constantly watch mass media news. When there’s a terrible event—a school shooting or a terrorist attack—don’t just wallow in the coverage. These are awful events, but they’re also pretty isolated events.

Social media often gets a bad rap, but, in fact, people on social media tend to share stories that are more positive than mass media. That’s because the positive things we’re interested in—our hobbies, our cultural interests, the books we read—are more idiosyncratic. If you go on Facebook or you go on social media, you’ll find all these wonderful groups that are just devoted to shared passions—for certain authors, certain branches of science, Civil War history. Curating your news feed so that you’re not seeing so many negative stories can be good.

JS: You mentioned manipulation earlier. Do you ever worry that helping people understand the power of the negativity bias could lead them to misuse it in a way?

JT: I do think that the negativity effect is used for bad purposes all the time. The “merchants of bad,” as we call them—in the media and politics and advertising—are continually scaring us and they don’t need our book to figure this out. Market research shows that it’s the way to get people’s attention. So, in that sense, I don’t think we’re going to be giving people a weapon they’re not already using.

We’re hoping that people who consume the news or hear politicians trying to scare them, though, will realize how they’re being manipulated and start using their rational brain to overcome their negativity bias. Understanding how it works can help people see that what they hear or read is not necessarily an accurate view of the situation or even representative, and they’re just overreacting to the bad.

JS: Most people think that being a “Pollyanna” is a pejorative. But you actually make a case that there’s something to be said for being a little bit more Pollyannaish. Why?

RB: OK, the original Pollyanna movie was not a critical success. But the idea of taking a positive attitude is very appealing, which is probably why it was a commercial success.

The mind evolved to overreact to negative things so, to compensate for that, it’s good to take a moment to stop and consider the positive side. You don’t have to be as extreme as the Pollyanna character. But, in general, the indicators of human well-being are all moving up—life is getting better and is really good in many ways, despite the constant predictions of doom. So just to be accurate in how you see the world, you need to put a bit of a correction on the negativity bias.

Most of the research shows that bad things have about two, three, or four times as much impact as good things. If you want to have a good relationship, go for at least a five-to-one ratio of good things to bad things. I’ve heard people say, “Oh, I did this to annoy my wife or husband; I’d better do something nice to make it up to him or her.” But one nice thing doesn’t make up for one bad thing—you’ve got to do four things just to get back to even.

JS: You make a case for using rational thought to overcome the negativity bias. What about the role of cultivating positive emotions? Is that useful, too?

JT: Yes! We recommended keeping a gratitude diary in the book, for example. But that’s still a case of using your rational brain—you decide you’re going to keep a diary because the research shows that this will help you, thinking about the good things in your life. And that does indeed produce a wonderful emotional response; it’s one of the best ways to lift your spirits. So, in that sense, you’re using your rational brain to bring out those good emotions.

JS: What lesson do you hope most people will take away from your book?

RB: Despite the title, we want it to be a positive, upbeat book. We want people to recognize that things are almost never as bad as they’re thinking and hearing and fearing. We want people to understand that the mind naturally leans toward noticing and attending to and processing the negative stuff, but that will be an overreaction. So, it’s important to take some time and balance it out and recognize the immense amount of good that is all around us. Like I sometimes say, I think anyone born in America after the middle of the 20th century should never complain about anything. Compared to most other places in the history of the world, it’s really like winning the lottery.

JT: The basic message of our book is that bad is stronger than good, but good can prevail. We end the book very optimistically because we think that life has gotten so much better for the average person in the world in the last three centuries. It’s astonishing—we’re the luckiest people in history to be alive now. And things just keep getting better.

We’re hopeful that as we understand our inner nature, this negativity effect, we can use our rational brain to override that when it gets in our way and can use it for positive purposes. The more we can get our rational brain involved in overriding these gut reactions, the more things will keep getting better. And we think people can become happier, too.

9 Ways to Cope When Bad Things Happen

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.”

Have you ever experienced times when you go through just one bad thing after another? When it seems like the world is out to get you? When things go wrong no matter what you do?

You are not alone. Bad things happen to all of us too, including me. I experienced a small set back recently which I want to share with you.

Not too long ago, I was working on my upcoming eBook. It was my #1 priority project at that time and I had been working on it tirelessly, day and night. After lots of hard work, I was 90 percent done. At that time, it was 630 pages. (The final book was almost 800 pages.)

I was happy with the progress. Cover done, foreword written, articles in place, right order, formatting done, layout completed—it was on track to launch in a week’s time.

Unfortunate Turn of Events

One evening after I got home, I sat at my computer and opened my document, ready to start work. Imagine my horrified look when I looked at the document and saw the cover design was an older version.

Bewildered, I checked the page count. It was 430 pages, 200 pages lesser than my latest version! This was an old version I was working on a few days ago. I was flabbergasted.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. I had always been careful with my documents, especially having experienced painful reworks before from document crashes and what not. It seemed there was a software error which caused an older version of my file to save over the new version, even though I had saved the latest version.

I was almost done with the book, ready to launch and my latest file disappeared. It was disheartening and honestly, somewhat depressing.

After fiddling around for fifteen minutes, I came to terms that the latest version was gone. Two hundred pages of material and endless hours of hard work—all gone.

Focusing on What Could Be Done

Interestingly, while I felt bummed, I wasn’t hung up about it. Almost immediately after I realized the document was really gone, I got right to work.

I listed down what changes were lost in the old version so I could redo them. I added them on my to-do list and mapped out my schedule so I could still meet the original launch date. I was determined to meet my launch timing and I was not about to let this hiccup throw me off.

Was I frustrated? Sure I was. There were thoughts of “Aw shucks, I should have backed it up manually” and “How did this even happen?” but those thoughts were fleeting. They didn’t bog me down. If anything, I felt more charged up than anything.

While a good chunk of work was gone, I was focused on how I could get back on track, since lamenting what happened wouldn’t accomplish anything.

Our Negative Coping Behaviors

There are many possible negative things that can happen to us in a day—from the little things like coffee spilling, being caught in a traffic jam, losing our keys, having people criticize you, to the bigger mishaps like getting into a car accident, losing our valuables, breaking up from relationships, or losing our jobs.

Whenever something bad happens to us, it’s easy for us to slip into one of the following behaviors:

9 Tips to Cope With Negative Situations

The thing is, as long as you live in this world, you are subjected to the same chaos, the ups and downs, the good and bad, the positives and the negatives of life. You are not the only person facing this.

What sets you apart from others though, is how you choose to deal with this situation. Here are my personal steps to cope with bad situations and create something good out of them:

1. Release your frustrations.

Don’t bottle them up because you might just implode. Talk to a friend about it. A listening ear does wonders. Go exercise and release the tension. Journal it out.

2. Realize you are not alone.

No matter what you may think, you’re not alone in this. Somewhere around the world, someone else is thinking the exact same thing as you. Someone out there is feeling down and out too, wondering why she is experiencing this. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

3. Being frustrated isn’t going to solve anything.

The problem will still remain whether you go berserk at it or whether you think about it calmly. The former will create more problems as your agitation prevents you from making good decisions. I knew remaining frustrated was not going to help me get my 200 pages back, so I focused on what could be done instead (#6).

4. Know you always have a choice.

Realize no matter what happens, you always have a choice in how you react. While you may not be able to control what happens to you, you can most certainly control your behaviors. You can face the worst things in the world, but if you make the choice not to let yourself be affected by them, you won’t be.

5. Objectify it.

An incident is an incident; we’re responsible for the feelings attached. Remove the feelings and look at the situation objectively. This will help us cope a lot better.

6. Focus on what you can do.

Action creates empowerment. It brings possibilities. It creates results. By taking action, you are no longer a passive recipient. You are a conscious creator.

7. Ask for help if you need to.

It’s okay to ask for help if it makes the situation easier. Remember, you are not alone in this (#2).

8. See it as an obstacle to be overcome.

Life is a journey of learning and growth, and everything happens for a reason. Obstacles are the things stopping you from getting your goals, and if you keep overcoming these obstacles, you’ll eventually get what you want.

9. Identify the lesson learned.

There are always things to be learned from every situation. For me, I learned to rigorously back-up everything I’m doing now—even saving files in different versions so I can still recover the last version if the latest version ever gets destroyed.

No matter what bad stuff life throws your way, as long as you cope with it constructively, nothing can get you down.

What has been useful for you? Feel free to share with everyone in the comments area below.

About Celestine Chua

Celestine Chua writes at Personal Excellence on how to achieve personal excellence and live your best life. Get her free ebook 101 Things To Do Before You Die now by signing up for her newsletter (100% free, unsubscribe whenever you want). Get her RSS feed directly and add her on Twitter @celestinechua.

How To Stop Caring About Things You Can’t Control

It’s often hard not to care about things you can’t control-whether your partner will do well on a work presentation, what the weather will be like for our flight, and so on. The problem is that caring about things you can’t control takes your time, zaps your energy, and keeps you from working on the things you can control. To reduce your stress and start leading a happier life, you need to let go and stop caring about those things you can’t control. It might be easier said than done, but all you need are the right tools. We’ll discuss these later in the article.

Where to Start?

The first step is to recognize what you can and cannot control. From there you can start to take steps to stop caring about them.

Recognizing Things You Can’t Control

There are certain situations you simply cannot change. This doesn’t mean you should just give up on everything and drift along, allowing anything to happen to you and your life. Believing you control nothing is just as unhelpful as believing you control everything. It takes an understanding of that balance to find a place of true happiness in your life. Here are some of the things you cannot control:

How to Stop Caring in Healthy Ways

There are many strategies for learning to stop caring about so many things you can’t control, and as a result, reduce your stress.

Look Inward

Of course, we can influence others. And one of our best opportunities to do so is to ensure that we are being who we want to be. Often, the characteristics that are the most frustrating and offensive to us, are those which we are guilty of ourselves. So it is always a good practice to turn our attention to ourselves as soon as we realize we are annoyed with someone else. Awareness is critical to making changes in ourselves. That about which we are unaware, we cannot control. Stated another way, that about which we are unaware of in ourselves, will control us. Sometimes, just gaining awareness of a tendency in ourselves is all we need to choose to think or act differently.

Change Your Perspective

Another helpful concept is that while it is impossible to simply change our feelings, we do have a much greater capacity to change our thoughts, perspectives, the meaning we attach to specific events, our conclusions, expectations, etc. It may be safe to conclude that much of the disappointment, hurt, offense, sadness, anger, etc. we experience is a result of unmet expectations. So if we can change our expectations, we will be able to dramatically decrease the negative feelings that result from experiencing unmet expectations, right?

Track Your Feelings

You may have heard it said that thoughts are rational and feelings are irrational. I understand why people say this, but I submit that it is the opposite. While there are some biochemical exceptions to this rule, the majority of the time, you must have ‘cognition’ (thought, interpretation, evaluation, perception, expectation, belief, etc.) before you experience any feeling. So while you, and certainly others, may not initially understand why you feel the way you do, if you track the feeling back to the cognition, the feeling will make total sense! However, the same cannot be said about the cognition that informed the feeling. Our thoughts, impressions, conclusions, etc. can be astoundingly inaccurate, illogical, or based upon incomplete or flat out wrong information. Thoughts inform feelings, which lead to actions. Therefore, there is a logical progression from what we are thinking, or telling ourselves, to how we feel, to the behavior we choose.

This is actually great news because while it is impossible to simply tell ourselves to not feel the way we feel, we can absolutely change the way we think and how we talk to ourselves. We have a far greater ability to dramatically impact our own internal reality than we usually realize. A s we raise awareness of what we are telling ourselves, we should work to ensure that it is accurate, reasonable, rational, and optimistic. That process will automatically change how we feel, which then changes how we behave.

Accept That Life Is Uncertain

Another option, which is related to our ability to control how we interpret a given situation, is accepting that life is uncertain and recognizing that some surprises are actually positive. In truth, you’re just as likely to be surprised by a positive outcome as a negative one. You just have to learn to recognize the positive when it happens instead of focusing on the negative. Accepting a situation does not mean that you have to like it, rather it means that you stop fighting it. And that releases you from the suffering.

Sometimes you’ll run into a problem that’s simply out of your control. It can be easy to think, «This isn’t fair,» or, «I shouldn’t have this problem,» even though those ways of thinking only make the pain worse. Radical acceptance refers to a healthier way of thinking during these situations. Instead of focusing on how you would like something to be different, you will recognize and accept the problem or situation as it is. Remember, accepting is not the same as liking or condoning something. Learning to accept the problems that are out of your control will lead to less anxiety, anger, and sadness when dealing with them.

Try Keeping a Worry Box

The ‘Worry Box’ strategy can be quite helpful in effectively addressing ruminating thoughts about something over which you have no control.

First, clarify whether you have control over the issue you are worrying about. For instance, you have an important assignment due for work tomorrow you have not completed, so are feeling anxious. It would not be appropriate or helpful to try to stop feeling anxious. Rather, you need to complete the assignment, right? So these sources of anxiety might be entered on a to-do list and completed.

But when you identify that you are worrying about something you have no control over, or should not take action on, then you have confirmed that your anxiety or worry is unproductive and unhealthy. For these types of worry, you might try an activity called the «worry box.» These are the steps for this activity:

Exercise

Meditate

Taking a break to focus and control your breathing can help you relax and instill a sense of peace in you. It can also help you remember there are things you can control and minimize your focus on the things you cannot.

Journal

Writing out your thoughts can help you process them and understand them better. As you are writing down your thoughts you may realize that the things you can’t control are less important and that other things are worrying you that you can control and address.

Get Quality Sleep

Practice Gratitude

Being thankful for the things that are going well in your life can help you find more to be grateful for every day. Practicing gratitude regularly can help you feel more in control of your life and the things that you can’t control will begin feeling less overwhelming.

How BetterHelp Can Support You

No matter how much effort you put into not caring, sometimes we just need that extra bit of help from someone trained and experienced. This is where talking to a professional can be helpful. BetterHelp has licensed, certified counselors that have helped others with this same issue in the past. They will help you understand what it is you are feeling and help you discover why you are feeling this way. There’s been a lot of discussion about the veracity of online counseling, particularly with the advent of the COVID-19 outbreak. A recent publication considered the effectiveness of online counseling over the last two decades, reiterating that studies have found that for most psychological issues, virtual counseling is just as effective as face-to-face counseling. They also noted that many people feel safer and more comfortable in their own space and, when writing, may get to their issues in a more concise way.

The study pointed out some practical issues that may seem obvious as well: attending a session online takes out what might be a lengthy commute to an office and removes the potential stigma of someone finding out you’re going to said office. Plenty of people have already given BetterHelp a try for similar issues:

“Christine is a great listener and helps me keep things in per[s]pective. If I get overwhelmed, stressed, or feel out of control, she opens my eyes to the source and offers couping stratigies to deal with it. I enjoy our conversations and she helps me reme[m]ber to be grateful for the good in my life and in the world instead of me always focusing on the negatives and what ifs. She has been a God sent and I appreciate her guid[a]nce and support.”

“Irene has always been attentive, intuitive, and creative in her efforts to help me better understand my-self, and deal with both the trauma of the past and the future! I have enjoyed every moment we speak and she helps elucidate on the things I do not notice, and helped me to have better control of sinking feelings! Absolutely a life changing experience.”

Concluding Thoughts

As frustrating as it can be dealing with things that are out of your control, know that there is at least one thing within your control-the way you respond.

Other Commonly Asked Questions

How do I stop caring about things I can’t control?

Is it normal to worry about things you can’t control?

How do you stop thinking about things you cant change?

How do I train my brain to stop worrying?

Why do I feel like I need to control everything?

What is rumination anxiety?

Is overthinking a mental illness?

What is the 3 3 3 rule for anxiety?

Is there a pill for overthinking?

What personality disorder is a control freak?

How do you stop caring about things you can’t control?

When it comes to worries, one of the problems you should stop worrying about is something you can’t control. The idea is to put your energy into something you can control, but for many, this is hard. Here are some ways you can stop worrying or caring.

They can help identify your fears concerning what you can’t control. For example, if you’re always predicting a catastrophic outcome, why do you do that? The people and circumstances you’ve faced can be one reason why you feel this way. Learning to spend less time with catastrophic predictions and endless rumination may require some therapy.

What are things you can’t control?

Here are some things you’re unable to control.

How do you accept things you Cannot control?

It’s hard to acknowledge that there are some aspects of your life that you have no control over. Here are some ways that you can accept it.

What can we control?

It’s important that you focus on what you can control. Without getting too deep about freewill and whatnot, here are a few things that you’re able to control.

Why do I worry about things I can’t control?

Worrying about things, even what we can’t control, is natural. It may come from an evolutionary leftover, where people were always worried about an enemy attacking or the weather making it hard to get water. Another reason is that we don’t like to feel powerless. We would like to believe you can change the world, change people’s minds, or even change the weather, but we can’t.

For example, you may believe that you can change someone’s ways when they are set in what they believe. Even your family may not listen. For example, a parent can give their child advice, but it may be the child’s choice in the end, especially if they’re an adult.

In the end, when it comes to people’s choices, share your opinion, but realize that the opinion might not matter much.

How do I stop worrying about everything?

While there are some things you should worry about, worrying about everything, especially what you can’t control, isn’t good for you. Your brains likes to micromanage, refuse to delegate, and stay on thoughts for far too long. A little bit of worrying is good, but you usually let worrying take a minute of your life, and then soon it’s taking over. People’s worries keep them occupied in a self-destructive cycle that is hard to break. Here are some ways you can stop worrying.

How do you let go of something you can’t change?

The best way for you to let go of something you’re unable to change is instead focus on what you can change. Look to you and the parts of your life you have control over. This can help you.

What’s a well-known quote about control?”

This quote, which is by an unknown source, goes as follow:

«When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control how you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.»

How can I stop stressing?

Stress is natural and can be good for you in small doses. However, too much stress can have negative health effects. Here are some ways to stop stressing when it feels like a channel in your brain that won’t turn off.

How do I accept reality and move on?

It can be hard to accept reality. Reality can be unpredictable and beyond your control. People who don’t accept this truth become control freaks, which can make life worse. Here are some ways to accept reality.

How do you take things less personally?

Some people take everything personally, even if it isn’t about them. Here are some ways that you can stop taking things so personally.

What is the only thing we can control?

The only thing you can control is yourself, and even that’s up for debate. However, if you say «I need to take control of my actions,» and make a mindful effort toward taking that goal, then you’re able to make some incredible changes in your life.

What you can control? Can we control our happiness? How do you clear your mind? How Do I Stop

How can I worry less and enjoy life more?

Learning to stop wasting your time ruminating over thoughts you can’t control is the first step. Using mindfulness to stop the worrying conversations in your head is a good first step. If you doubt your ability to solve a problem, find ways to improve it. With that said, how can you enjoy your life more? Here are a few ways.

What is overthinking disorder?

Overthinking is not a disorder, but instead tends to be a part of anxiety disorder. People who overthink may pick through their worrying thoughts with a fine-toothed comb, using all they can to worry and over-analyze their thoughts. While critically thinking about your life is important, overthinking tends to involve making a mountain out of a molehill, and it’s important to learn ways to stop worrying and overthinking if you want to have peace of mind.

What the Bible says about worrying?

The Bible has various quotes about worrying. For example, in Matthew 6:25-27, Jesus has an entire speech about avoiding worry. The message the Bible sends tends to be to stop worrying and instead let God be there for you. If you’re a Christian, these words can be a source of comfort for you when you find yourself worrying.

What are things I can control?

In life, we like to have control over everything. We are the protagonists of our life, after all. Obviously, most people believe there are things you can’t control, such as the weather. You can’t stop a storm from coming, or change the time of the day. However, there are many things we think we can control when we can’t. For instance, you don’t have control over other people. Here are some things in life you can control.

How do you control a situation?

There are some situations you can control, and some you can’t. Sometimes, you can’t stop bad things from happening. Other times, there are healthy boundaries and healthy mantras you can take to have some control over it. Let’s take a look.

What are things you can’t control?

There are so many things you can’t control in your life, from disasters to deadly diseases. While we want to believe we are strong people who can control everything, we need to remind you that there are some things in life you cannot control. Let’s look at them.

Why do I worry about things I can’t control?

We know that mentally strong people don’t let things that are beyond their control bring them down, but it’s hard. It’s the busying thinking about what you can’t control that can ruin your life, yet so many people spend their time on it.

One reason is that we don’t like to feel powerless. We would like to believe you can change the world, change people’s minds, or even change the weather, but we can’t. If you say you hope it doesn’t rain, it still will despite your hopes. From natural disasters to deadly diseases, we can’t control life.

Another reason why is because we’re programmed to focus on the past. Even mentally strong people may spend their time thinking about their regrets and what they could have done differently.

Changing this mindset is complex, and you have to pay attention to your thoughts. Therapy can help.

How do you stop caring about things you can’t control?

Future predictions and endless rumination about the past are two examples of us caring about things we can’t control. Ideally, you’ll want to think about what you can control, but it’s difficult. Let’s help by listing a few ways you can change your way of thinking.

How do you not worry about things?

When someone tells you to stop worrying about things, it’s easier said than done. There are a lot of things in life to worry about, after all. Your brains likes to micromanage, refuse to delegate, and stay on thoughts for far too long. A little bit of worrying is good, but you usually let worrying take a minute of your life, and then soon it’s taking over. People’s worries keep them occupied in a self-destructive cycle that is hard to break.

Here’s how you can stop worrying so much.

Why do I always think about the past?

The past is quite easy to think about for people, and you are not the only one who may be thinking about the past a little too much.

Many people spend their mental strength in the past because of nostalgia. They think about the good old days, when everything seemed better. This especially happens when someone is not in a good position like they used to be.

Another reason someone may think about the past is they regret something. When someone looks back at a regret or embarrassment, they may not be able to get it out of their head, despite the brutal truth in life being that the past cannot be changed. You may have conversations in your head about what you should have done differently. You may cope with disappointment you’ve faced in the past, or may cope with distress by thinking about what may have been, but you can’t change it. You

can only learn from it.

Trauma may be a reason why you’re always thinking about the past. In that case, you may need to seek help from a therapist or someone else who can help you.

How do I stop worrying about the past?

The past can be our worst enemy. We grow as people and learn, and we regret what we’ve did in the past or what others have done to you. There’s a chance you’re stronger by miles compared to your past, yet you’re still focused on the past. Learning to change the channel of your thoughts and think about the present more is difficult, but it is possible. Here are some ways.

Overall, it’s important to acknowledge that your thoughts are in the past, but you need to find ways to return to the present.

How do you let go of something you can’t change?

There are many things in life we can’t change. For example, if a potentially good party got ruined due to the weather, you can’t change that. However, you may find yourself worrying about the next party.

Everyone thinks about what they can’t change, but there are times where it gets toxic. You may try to force other people to change and scare them away. You may handle the worst case scenario of something you can’t change by always thinking about it, while ignoring the better cases.

Here’s how you can gain enough control of your mind to stop worrying about what you can’t change.

How do you clear your mind?

Clearing your mind is sometimes needed when you’re having unhelpful thoughts in your head or imagining catastrophic outcomes. Not only that, clearing your mind is a great way to calm down and get some rest. Here are some ways that you can clear your mind with style.

Psychology Today has a good article for this. In the Psychology Today post, they list some proven ways to clear your mind. These include:

We say to check out that Psychology Today article and see it for yourself.

How do I let my thoughts come and go?

No matter how hard you try, you are going to have thoughts that enter your mind and seemingly refuse to leave. How can you let them come and go? It can take some time to combat self-doubt, catastrophic predictions, and other problematic thoughts when your brain seems to refuse to delegate tasks that are helpful and instead focuses on the bad. However, there are some ways.

How do you take things less personally?

It can be hard to take things so personally. When something does or says something, you may have a worst case scenario in your mind. This worst case scenario tends to involve you believing that everything they have said is the worst crime against you, and thinking about this worst-case scenario can hurt your mental health. Alternatively, the worst-case scenario can cause you to lash out on someone who may be innocent.

For example, someone you know makes a vague Facebook status about someone. They may say they hate people who are selfish, or they will describe another toxic trait that is a little vague, and you think this applies to you. When that happens, not only should you think about why you feel this way and if working on solutions can help, but you should not go off on the person.

In order to think about things less personally, find other hobbies or habits to spend your energy, because worrying about how people will perceive you can end up damaging your mind. Perhaps find ways to increase your confidence or use mindfulness to improve your thinking. Alternatively, you can find healthy stress relievers.

Worrying too much about what others think and taking it personally can be due to many things. You may doubt your ability and want validation from others, which ends up wasting time. It may have been due to something that happened in your past, such as friends who backstabbed you. In some cases, seeking help from support groups and therapists can help. Plenty of strong people need help, and changing your mental effort and your attitude towards taking things personally may be the answer.

In addition, eating healthy and exercising are always ways to help you stop wasting time worrying what others think.

How do I stop thinking about someone?

Whether it’s your ex or someone you don’t want to think about anymore, they can invade your mind. It can feel like a finger trap, where the more you try to stop thinking about them, the more your mind will think about them. You may say, “I find myself thinking about this person, even when I can spend my time and energy doing so much more.”

It’s not easy to stop thinking about someone. Even strong people can end up trapped in these thoughts. Here are some ways you can stop putting so much mental time and energy into someone.

How do I shut my brain off after work?

When you get off work, you should relax, unwind, and get some sleep. However, it can sometimes feel hard. You may have endless rumination about the workday, with you spending time worrying about tomorrow. And the thoughts aren’t helpful, either, with you ending up thinking about the same things over and over.

Here are some ways to train your brain to shut off.

How to Break a Bad Habit and Replace It With a Good One

Bad habits interrupt your life and prevent you from accomplishing your goals. They jeopardize your health — both mentally and physically. And they waste your time and energy.

So why do we still do them? And most importantly, is there anything you can do about it?

I’ve previously written about the science of how habits start, so now let’s focus on the practice of making changes in the real world. How can you delete your bad behaviors and stick to good ones instead?

I certainly don’t have all of the answers, but keep reading and I’ll share what I’ve learned about how to break a bad habit.

What causes bad habits?

Most of your bad habits are caused by two things…

Stress and boredom.

Most of the time, bad habits are simply a way of dealing with stress and boredom. Everything from biting your nails to overspending on a shopping spree to drinking every weekend to wasting time on the internet can be a simple response to stress and boredom.1

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can teach yourself new and healthy ways to deal with stress and boredom, which you can then substitute in place of your bad habits.

Of course, sometimes the stress or boredom that is on the surface is actually caused by deeper issues. These issues can be tough to think about, but if you’re serious about making changes then you have to be honest with yourself.

Are there certain beliefs or reasons that are behind the bad habits? Is there something deeper — a fear, an event, or a limiting belief — that is causing you to hold on to something that is bad for you?

Recognizing the causes of your bad habits is crucial to overcoming them.

You don’t eliminate a bad habit, you replace it.

All of the habits that you have right now — good or bad — are in your life for a reason. In some way, these behaviors provide a benefit to you, even if they are bad for you in other ways.

Sometimes the benefit is biological like it is with smoking or drugs. Sometimes it’s emotional like it is when you stay in a relationship that is bad for you. And in many cases, your bad habit is a simple way to cope with stress. For example, biting your nails, pulling your hair, tapping your foot, or clenching your jaw.

These “benefits” or reasons extend to smaller bad habits as well.

For example, opening your email inbox as soon as you turn on your computer might make you feel connected. At the same time looking at all of those emails destroys your productivity, divides your attention, and overwhelms you with stress. But, it prevents you from feeling like you’re “missing out” … and so you do it again.

Because bad habits provide some type of benefit in your life, it’s very difficult to simply eliminate them. (This is why simplistic advice like “just stop doing it” rarely works.)

Instead, you need to replace a bad habit with a new habit that provides a similar benefit.

For example, if you smoke when you get stressed, then it’s a bad plan to “just stop smoking” when that happens. Instead, you should come up with a different way to deal with stress and insert that new behavior instead of having a cigarette.

In other words, bad habits address certain needs in your life. And for that reason, it’s better to replace your bad habits with a healthier behavior that addresses that same need. If you expect yourself to simply cut out bad habits without replacing them, then you’ll have certain needs that will be unmet and it’s going to be hard to stick to a routine of “just don’t do it” for very long.

How to break a bad habit

Here are some additional ideas for breaking your bad habits and thinking about the process in a new way.

Choose a substitute for your bad habit. You need to have a plan ahead of time for how you will respond when you face the stress or boredom that prompts your bad habit. What are you going to do when you get the urge to smoke? (Example: breathing exercises instead.) What are you going to do when Facebook is calling to you to procrastinate? (Example: write one sentence for work.) Whatever it is and whatever you’re dealing with, you need to have a plan for what you will do instead of your bad habit.

Cut out as many triggers as possible. If you smoke when you drink, then don’t go to the bar. If you eat cookies when they are in the house, then throw them all away. If the first thing you do when you sit on the couch is pick up the TV remote, then hide the remote in a closet in a different room. Make it easier on yourself to break bad habits by avoiding the things that cause them.

Right now, your environment makes your bad habit easier and good habits harder. Change your environment and you can change the outcome.

Join forces with somebody. How often do you try to diet in private? Or maybe you “quit smoking” … but you kept it to yourself? (That way no one will see you fail, right?)

Instead, pair up with someone and quit together. The two of you can hold each other accountable and celebrate your victories together. Knowing that someone else expects you to be better is a powerful motivator.

Surround yourself with people who live the way you want to live. You don’t need to ditch your old friends, but don’t underestimate the power of finding some new ones.

Visualize yourself succeeding. See yourself throwing away the cigarettes or buying healthy food or waking up early. Whatever the bad habit is that you are looking to break, visualize yourself crushing it, smiling, and enjoying your success. See yourself building a new identity.

You don’t need to be someone else, you just need to return to the old you. So often we think that to break bad habits, we need to become an entirely new person. The truth is that you already have it in you to be someone without your bad habits. In fact, it’s very unlikely that you had these bad habits all of your life. You don’t need to quit smoking, you just need to return to being a non–smoker. You don’t need to transform into a healthy person, you just need to return to being healthy. Even if it was years ago, you have already lived without this bad habit, which means you can most definitely do it again.

Use the word “but” to overcome negative self–talk. One thing about battling bad habits is that it’s easy to judge yourself for not acting better. Every time you slip up or make a mistake, it’s easy to tell yourself how much you suck. 2

Whenever that happens, finish the sentence with “but”…

Plan for failure. We all slip up every now and then.

As my main man Steve Kamb says, “When you screw up, skip a workout, eat bad foods, or sleep in, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Welcome to the club.”

So rather than beating yourself up over a mistake, plan for it. We all get off track, what separates top performers from everyone else is that they get back on track very quickly. For a handful of strategies that can help you bounce back when you make a mistake, read this article.

Where to go from here

If you’re looking for the first step to breaking bad habits, I’d suggest starting with awareness.

It’s easy to get caught up in how you feel about your bad habits. You can make yourself feel guilty or spend your time dreaming about how you wish things were … but these thoughts take you away from what’s actually happening.

Instead, it’s awareness that will show you how to actually make change.

Simply tracking these issues will make you more aware of the behavior and give you dozens of ideas for stopping it.

Here’s a simple way to start: just track how many times per day your bad habit happens. Put a piece of paper in your pocket and a pen. Each time your bad habit happens, mark it down on your paper. At the end of the day, count up all of the tally marks and see what your total is.

In the beginning your goal isn’t to judge yourself or feel guilty about doing something unhealthy or unproductive. The only goal is to be aware of when it happens and how often it happens. Wrap your head around the problem by being aware of it. Then, you can start to implement the ideas in this article and break your bad habit.

Breaking bad habits takes time and effort, but mostly it takes perseverance. Most people who end up breaking bad habits try and fail multiple times before they make it work. You might not have success right away, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have it at all.

P.S. If you want more practical ideas for how to build new habits (and break bad habits), check out my book Atomic Habits, which will show you how small changes in habits can lead to remarkable results.

Hat tip to Leo Babauta for originally talking about stress and boredom driving bad habits.

Hat tip to Scott Young for sharing the great idea about using the word “but” to overcome negative self–talk.

Thanks for reading. You can get more actionable ideas in my popular email newsletter. Each week, I share 3 short ideas from me, 2 quotes from others, and 1 question to think about. Over 1,000,000 people subscribe. Enter your email now and join us.

KickVick

Have you ever thought, what is the mean of your existence? It’s true you exist. We all exist. Do more than just exist. The question is: Do you live?

Most of us has a dream of living happy forever. No one can live happy forever, but it’s highly possible to live the most of your life happily the way you wanted. Good days and bad days are the part of life, but it’s up to you how you consume the positivity in bad days. You need to understand the fact that except your own thought you have nothing that’s absolutely in your power.

When you give up doing the bad things, you make more space for the things that make you happy. Here are 30 bad things you need to stop doing to yourself that will give you more room to convert your life and your needs. Try your best to get rid of these bad things to let go before the new year.

#1. Stop running from your problems.

Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Image credits: Shutterstock

#2. Stop spending time with the wrong people.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends. Smstrackers.com will help you to find out who is being a loyal friend and who isn’t worth being in your life.

#3. Stop trying to hold onto the past.

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

#4. Stop lying to yourself.

You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

Image credits: Craig Johnston

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not.

One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

#6. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.

The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

#7. Stop being scared to make a mistake.

Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Image credits: Jeff

#8. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.

Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

#9. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.

If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

#10. Stop holding grudges.

Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Image credits: Shutterstock

#11. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.

Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

#12. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen.

Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

#13. Stop worrying so much.

Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Image credits: wulfpak05

#14. Stop being idle.

Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

#15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else.

Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

#16. Stop trying to buy happiness.

Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

#17. Stop being jealous of others.

Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Image credits: Shutterstock

#18. Stop letting others bring you down to their level.

Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

#19. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.

Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

#20. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.

Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

#21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.

The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Image credits: Bigstock

#22. Stop trying to make things perfect.

The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.

#23. Stop following the path of least resistance.

Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

#24. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.

We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Image credits: Jonathan racionero martin

#25. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work.

In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

#26. Stop blaming others for your troubles.

The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

#27. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t.

It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Image credits: Shutterstock

#28. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.

Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

#29. Stop being ungrateful.

No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

#30. Stop thinking you’re not ready.

Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Image credits: Shutterstock

Can you think of more things you can stop doing to yourself to make your lives better? Comment below and SHARE it with your friends.